Dear Katrine,

It was his idea to take the romance off the table (after Venice when he told me he would be there over the summer)

Oh so he told you in April, after your trip to Venice, that romance is off the table? Meaning, that he isn’t interested in a LDR with you, right? Because he doesn’t believe such relationships ever work.

Okay… well it puts things into a different perspective. So he basically told you, and you accepted it, to go back to being friends and not have any commitments or anything, but just let things unfold on their own. You would talk once per week – that was his only “commitment”, right? He also mentioned you would visit him, but never made any efforts to make it happen, not even for his birthday.

So basically, he let go of you as a girlfriend, and he wasn’t making any effort to keep you as a close friend either. You accepted to not have him as boyfriend. It wasn’t so painful for you. What was more painful is that he didn’t keep you as a close friend:

But I would never be flaky with my friends. Like telling them I’m gonna call and then not do it etc. Feeling invisble is one of my triggers. If I make plans with my friends then I’ll stick to it. I’m really hurt because he was supposed to be my best friend and he wasn’t the type but man people really do disapoint you.

I see. You thought he would be your best friend. And he stood you up. It seems he works well in person, but forgets about people when they are far away. He told you he is like that in romantic relationships (he told you he doesn’t believe in LDRs). And now you’re realizing he is like that in friendships too. Out of sight, out of mind, it seems.

I am sorry, Katrine. I didn’t know you’re not in a gf-bf relationship with him, so I assumed you were anxious because he’s not behaving like a boyfriend. But actually, he was behaving like a friend, only not such a close friend. And you wanted him to be a close friend, to include you in things, to invite you to his birthday, even if he is in another country. Which unfortunately is hard.

It’s doable, of course, if it matters to both people. It’s doable in a romantic relationship, where both parties are eager to meet and visit each other regularly. But it usually doesn’t work in normal friendships. You can’t have that level of closeness if you live in different countries and if the other party isn’t super bonded to you. And it seems he wasn’t. If he was bonded, he wouldn’t have rejected a romantic relationship. He would have stayed with you in a LDR.

So what you expected from him – a close bond and commitment in spite of physical distance – is what people typically expect in a romantic relationship. Since you weren’t in one, I must say I am not surprised by his behavior. I do understand how painful it is for you, though, because of your abandonment wound. You say you are triggered by being excluded, and you felt the same with him. But unfortunately, it’s hard to be included in someone’s life if they live far away and you’re not their girlfriend.

I hope you can keep working on that wound, Katrine. So that you don’t expect much from arrangements like this one. I am glad you do have a few good friends that you can count on. You’ve come a long way since last year, when you felt rejected and unwanted. Now you know you are wanted and people like your company, which is a great progress. And I hope you can enjoy those relationships and have fun with them.

But it seems this guy isn’t that kind of friend, and he only can keep in touch with people near him. So it’s good you can let him go and stop expecting a close friendship or a relationship with him.

Hi Freddie,

good to hear from you again, although I am sorry you’re still suffering 🙁

It seems to me there is an internal conflict in you: on one hand you’re aware that there were issues with your ex, due to which you were very anxious to proceed to marry her, even though you had a great compatibility in many areas and enjoyed each other and the relationship.

The main issue you had with her was her unwillingness to open up about her (almost non-existing) relationship with her daughter. It was a legitimate concern, and your rational part was ringing an alarm bell, because you doubted that she could be a good and caring mother to your future child if she treats her daughter like that. You still have that same concern, and I want to reiterate that it’s a valid concern.

There is also another part of you, who feels guilty for “abandoning” her, even though you haven’t actually abandoned her, but rather you stopped abandoning yourself. You stopped brushing aside your need for honest answers and clarity in this super important issue.

One of the reasons you’re now blaming yourself is your supposed lacked of openness about what’s bothering you:

Through the off and on obviously I kept pushing my ex away and wasn’t really explaining my reasons for doing so all too clear but she knew I loved her and missed her.

However, I got the impression that you actually did explain what was bothering you. This is what you said on your previous thread:

About 6 months later I started feeling like there were issues in the relationship that needed addressing, mainly to do with money and having children. We talked stuff out and said we would work on things but a few days later we argued about things and I left.

It seems to me she knew what were your biggest pain points, but refused to address them. You said she would accuse you of being insensitive when you brought up the topic of her daughter. She even tried to blame you for her lack of contact with her daughter – even thought it was you who tried to initiate contact on a few occasions, and she was the one who let things fizzle out.

So unfortunately you’re blaming yourself for something you’re absolutely not guilty of. That’s the second part of your personality: the self-blaming part. One is the rational part, which sees the truth. And the other is the irrational, who believes he is guilty for driving her away.

And it seems the guilty party is winning at the moment…

Because you can’t let her go, even though she wasn’t going to change her stance and open up about her daughter. When you got together in May and she told you she couldn’t love anyone else – did she actually open up about her daughter? Did she show any signs of change, or she kept brushing away the issue?

Being my own worst enemy I told her I still had to deal with my anxiety which again pushed her away.

You told her you need to deal with your anxiety, because indeed, you still can’t (rightfully) accept to marry her without those important issues being addressed. Your anxiety is caused not by your irrationality or weakness, but actually it is a legitimate fear for your future. It is caused by her unwillingness to address the issues that are important to you.

Can you see that? Your anxiety in this case is a self-protective reaction. It’s not something you should get rid of and suppress, but something you should listen to. It’s a signal.

And no wonder it pushed her away, because it told her that you still can’t drop the issue. That you still can’t just bury your head in the sand and pretend like it’s not there. So she knows she is back to square 1 with you – cannot hope you would just drop it.

And that’s why I think it was so easy for her to let you go, finally. Maybe she met someone who is willing to keep a blind eye, or isn’t interested in having children and doesn’t make an issue out of it. Someone who won’t demand her to open that black box she is keeping so tightly closed…

maybe I need give her some time, I don’t know

Dear Freddie, I wish you wouldn’t pine for her anymore, since she isn’t going to change. And I guess you wouldn’t want to end up with someone who is keeping such important secrets from you and whom you can’t trust to be a good, loving mother to your child? Can you see how it is actually self-destructive for you to chase her and want to get together? How it is absolutely not in your best interest?

Hi Beni,

yes, I had a difficult upbringing, with an emotionally cold, strict and very criticizing mother. And it left many scars on me, which lasted for many years. But with the help of therapy and increasing self-awareness, I’ve managed to heal gradually, basically to heal my inner child. I swear by this method of healing, because it helped me the most, after some other modalities didn’t help.

The way I do it makes it more difficult for some people to say no and in the long therm creates tension. It’s difficult to say no to me

There is this hole which cry’s out: “I’m soo poor”. I started addressing it in other people. I started rubbing their heads and saying “ooh, you so poor”. That’s propably why it’s harder to say no to someone like that. When someone has that look.

Oh I see… so you’re kind of pitying yourself, telling yourself and other people “I am so poor”. Or “poor me, nobody loves me”. And then people might feel guilty if they reject you, right? And they start resenting you and the tension starts building. Is that what’s happening?

If so, that’s your inner child crying and whining, because he really feels unloved. He really didn’t receive the proper love and nurturance from his mother (or father), and he is lacking. He is still trying to receive it, only not from your mother or father, but from the people around you. So you feeling pity for yourself is actually your inner child feeling pity for himself, because he indeed didn’t have his basic emotional needs met.

The way to heal is to heal your inner child, to give him the love and care he craves. To be a good parent to him. That’s how you’ll stop pitying yourself and “manipulating” people to give you love. Because you’ll have it in you, your heart will be full and nourished.

Wow, Tee. It’s amazing how you put things together and your sence of timing. It’s so nourishing to read these lines. I read this and then I had to sleep for 2h and now I’m finishing the reply.

I am so glad that the idea of the inner child resonated with you. And that hearing those words felt calming and nourishing to you.

I belief this is the struggle.. I’ve given up on telling little Beni what to do because he does not listen. Not doing seems to be harder than doing. It’s good to know for both of us that there is a way to be in harmony together.

Yes, there is a way to be in harmony with your inner child. You would need to first acknowledge and validate his needs. Tell him that he is lovable and precious and special. And that you’ll be there for him.

I don’t know how it would feel if you would simply give yourself a hug (at the same time giving your inner child a hug)? Does it feel soothing or it perhaps brings up more sadness?

Perhaps experiment with that a little bit and see if you can give yourself some self-soothing. If not, it’s not a big deal, there are therapists for that. They provide a safe environment and the unconditional positive regard, so that we can start feeling seen and accepted and appreciated. They give us the first “boost” of acceptance and validation, and from then on, we learn to love ourselves (and our inner child) more and more.

It must have been very painful to get rejected this way. We’re so vulnerable as childs. Did you learn to overcome this?

Yes, we are very vulnerable. We depend on our parents to meet all our needs. And if they don’t know how to do it, we get wounded and carry those scars into our adulthood. But luckily, there is help. And yes, I’ve managed to heal those wounds over time, and as I said, healing the inner child is what helped me most.

I belief for me it was the other way around. I’d reject my mothers kisses and hugs. I think my dad wasn’t very available for her.

Oh I see. So she maybe used you to meet her emotional needs, because her husband was emotionally unavailable? (Perhaps she complained to you about your father or other problems in her life?) That can put a big stress on the child, because the roles are reversed, and instead of meeting our emotional needs, the parent expects us to meet their emotional needs, which we as a child are totally unable to.

Hi SereneWolf,

because they don’t want anything new

so they don’t want any new development then? Perhaps they believe they’ve got a hit product and they don’t need anything new for at least a year or so?

I mean yeah financal pressure is a real deal and I’m feeling it, but my other persona is rebeling against it like no just get what you want don’t compromise you’re gonna get what you want.

I get you. You want to live your dream, which is being a sort of a digital nomad, right? Because you said you want to explore the world (I already feel like I’m getting old, and I haven’t seen this beautiful world enough). I only wouldn’t agree that you’re getting old, but if you have a clear goal in mind (to work remotely and travel as you please), then by all means, go for it.

If you’re short on money, you can still send applications to some of those less appealing places, and once you get the job at a place you like better, you can simply switch. How do you feel about that?

Oh and Beni,

thank you for sending me prayers and good wishes yesterday. I do appreciate it!

Hi Beni, I can’t answer at the moment because I am at the ER, with a possible appendix inflammation. It might be a few days before I return to the computer.

Hi Beni,

you are very welcome, I am happy to be a part of your process.

I feel alot when I answer you.

I hope my remarks didn’t cause you too much distress? I hope some things resonated, but not to the point of being overwhelming?

yes, and when I do it I often do it like a child. I say, I want this, I want that.

You know, you actually have the right to express your needs clearly, without beating around the bush too much. I mean, you can say “I would like this” instead of “I want this”. And you can learn to say it in a calm but decisive manner (i.e. assertively). So you can learn to modify your request to sound more polite and mature, however, you have the right to express your needs. You’re not bad or faulty for having needs, or for expressing them.

Yes, I just want to be accepted. I’m when I think of it even afraid of that when I give selfless/love that it might be received that way.

Let me just check if I got it well: so you are afraid that even your selfless love would be rejected?

I think my mom does have a similar pattern. I still do not trust her (do not open up) and make shure to keep her on distance. When there’s I problem I call my dad.

Okay, so you’re saying that your mother is also very much stuck in the care-taker role and doesn’t want to ask anything for herself, right? But you don’t trust her, you want to keep her on a distance.

When I put these 2 pieces of information together, one possibility occurs to me: that perhaps your mother was in a martyr role, where she served everybody, but was resentful about it, and yet she kept doing it? You wanted her to be happy, not to suffer, but no matter what you did and how much you helped her, it was never good enough?

I am asking because my mother was like that. I could never help her, could never ease her “suffering”, although I tried and tried. And I too am in a better relationship with my father today.

I’m actually working on finding a therapis/mentor. I was thinking of it for one year and finally it started changing.

Good, I am glad you’re starting to consider it. Because it’s hard to pull ourselves by our own bootstraps. We do need external help. Another reason why I think it would be beneficial for you to work with someone is that you should learn to accept that you are worthy of help, and that you don’t need to do everything on your own.

Yes it’s kinda risky doing it at work. It might work dough as the guy’s seem to take me as I am.

That’s precious if you have such accepting colleagues. Working in such a positive, non-judgmental environment can also have a healing effect. So perhaps you can open up a little about your insecurities. Is there a specific situation in which you feel insecure, and then you freeze and don’t know what to do?

Dear Katrine,

I too hope his dad will be fine. Two years is quite a lot. It will be hard to keep the tempo that he’s been in for quite some time: working non-stop and in addition studying. He’ll give himself burnout. Plus, he is worrying about his father, which is understandable.

I hope he’ll be able to either find a more peaceful job (even if less paid) till his graduation. Or that his current job will allow him some more free time, once the peak season is over.