Dear Katrine,

you know, when I read that old post from April 2021, I thought to myself that it might be your sister who was spreading lies to your friend, because this friend accused you of the same things as your sister accused you of after not attending to her son’s christening (that you’re doing it on purpose to deliberately hurt her). It was the same accusation, so I thought it might have been actually her.

I understand why you didn’t want to admit it back then – because you were still so much gaslighted by her that it was a taboo to even think that she might be abusive to you. You were also conditioned by your parents to see her as the victim, and yourself as bad if you didn’t comply with her demands. So in your mind, you were the abuser and she was the victim. And then your friend (the one suffering from BPD) accused you of the same – and you totally believed it.

I can imagine how hard it was for you, and how it contributed to you feeling really badly about yourself and blaming yourself. The only positive role in all of this is your other friend, who saw things much more clearly and warned you that your sister might be faking a lot of things, and that she’s out of line for treating you like that. That’s a good and trustworthy friend! I hope you’re still in touch with her!

They became best friends due to this lie. My sister would even bring her gifts from helping her with her computer but never said a simple thanks to me or my parents for putting aside our lives helping her out. It still hurts thinking about it.

Yes I can imagine… as I was studying narcissism a bit more intensely these days, I’ve learned that it’s actually a typical behavior that narcissists are double faced: They show a fake kind face to the outside world, to get praise and admiration. And they show their true, selfish face to their immediate family. Your sister was/is doing the same: kind to other people, and rude and exploitative/ungrateful with her immediate family.

I think the best way to feel less hurt by her is that you see her as she is, and to stop expecting her to be kind to you. To stop expecting her to change. And also, as I’ve said before, to stop believing the accusations she hurls at you. If she tells you you’re a bad person, you don’t believe it, you know it’s a lie.

So those two things are crucial: 1) don’t trust her, and 2) stop expecting anything from her. And then third, spend as little time as possible with her, specially with her alone. I’d spend zero time with her alone, if possible. Instead, spend as much time as possible with people who genuinely support you and have your best interests in mind, such as your other friend.

And of course, make new friends outside of your sister’s circle – which is what you’ve been already doing. Far from her reach, you are free to be yourself and free to be seen as you are, not as your sister sees you.

I am so happy that X and Y have invited to you to their New Year’s Eve party. There might be even a benefit to coming late – you can just sneak in, similarly to how you used to sneak out 🙂 With not much pomp, you just show up and let X and Y know that you’re there. I guess there will be a lot of people there, with music etc, so they probably won’t all sit around a table looking at the door 🙂 But even if you get some attention, remember that you’re OKAY, that people like you, and that there’s nothing wrong with you!

Happy New Year to you too, Katrine! I wish you a fun, pleasant, as relaxed as possible New Year’s Eve!

Dear SereneWolf,

yes, hypothyrodism and Hashimoto have similar symptoms and the same treatment (hormone supplementation), but it’s still good to know what exactly the diagnosis is, and how your thyroid looks like. For example, an acquaintance of mine has hypothyroidism because his thyroid is physically too small. He doesn’t have Hashimo (i.e. the structure of the gland is fine), but it is simply too small to produce enough hormone. And so he needs to take supplementation.

Yes so I’m trying to erase that engraved thing. I literally had a dream like a week ago before my parents planning to visit, and I was anxious what’s going to happen. But thankfully everything went well.

 Yes [you fear you’d disappoint them]. Like even for little things sometimes

It seems to me you’re still trying to meet their expectations, and you might still fear their judgment. You said earlier that they approve of the field of work you’ve chosen (IT industry). But had you chosen something else, they might not approve of it, because you said they do make comments about other young people from your place of origin choosing the “wrong” path.

So their judgmental attitude hasn’t disappeared, it seems to me, but it’s not currently pointed against you, because you’re meeting their expectations (finishing your bachelor’s degree and planning to enroll an MBA). But should you fail, or do things slower than expected, perhaps you fear they would judge you again?

Another option is that they really stopped being judgmental (which in my opinion is a less probable option), and your fear of not meeting their expectations stems only from the past.

But even if they aren’t judgmental any more, it is your inner critic that is judging you for not being good enough, for not meeting your own expectations as quickly as possible. Here is an example from your other thread, where you said that you fear you’re not learning fast enough:

I’m in competitive environment like where all people like, Grow this metrics, learn this, learn that skill we’re fast pacing company and etc.. so all this fast learning maybe making me feel very competitive and that’s why inside my head I be like I do have to be better otherwise I’d be behind like before.. so it’s that fear

It’s a pressure – coming from your inner critic – to perform better, quicker, faster… not only in the technical skills but also in the soft skills. You’ve asked me in your latest post how to learn the soft skills methodically (how you’re noting things down? For Learning in general. I’m thinking about creating the new framework for learning for kind of the soft skills and things I have to work on…). You also said that this pressure to learn new things as quickly as possible overwhelms you (I do feel overwhelmed sometimes).

It’s really commendable that you’re so enthusiastic about learning, and specially learning the soft skills and being as good a leader as possible. And I am impressed by your willingness to learn and implement new things. However, I think that a part of your motivation comes from the feeling of not being good enough, i.e. the inner critical voice is pushing you to master all these skills as soon as possible. Which is making you feel overwhelmed and lagging behind.

So there’s a healthy drive for learning, it seems to me, and an unhealthy drive as well. The latter stems from a feeling of lack, not being good enough, and not wanting to be a failure. In other words, it seems to me that a part of your motivation for learning stems from not wanting to disappoint your parents. Would you say that’s true?

Dear Hello,

you’re welcome and thank you for your blessings!

I am so glad that he hasn’t managed to fool you or distract you in the meanwhile, and that you’re on track with packing and moving!

Also, I am very glad that your daughters took the announcement very well, and are actually excited about starting a new chapter away from him. I imagine they don’t particularly like him?

I can tell you that yesterday was the happiest I’ve felt in a few years.

No wonder, since you have finally seen through him and decided to free yourself from his abuse (manipulation, guilting me, projection, love bombing… when I’m around him I feel like I’m being poisoned.).

But Im not affected by them

His abuse and manipulation don’t have power over you any longer. You saw through him and his words lost power. You don’t believe him when he says you’re a bad person. His words have zero, or almost zero weight to you, and that’s why you feel free!

I’ve realized fully now that he’s been an abuser all this time and I know I’ll have to heal from that.

Yes, you’ll need some healing, but it might not be such an arduous task for you like it was for his first wife, because you have done a lot of personal growth during your marriage, and you’ve grown a lot. At the beginning of this thread you were already willing to let him go because you said you’ve tried everything but nothing worked (I pretty much don’t have anything left and am ready to move forward with my life in peace.).

So it seems to me you’ve come a long way in the last 3 years. You’ve made yourself strong enough to leave. And when you’ve realized that he has a NPD, everything fell into place and it only confirmed what you already suspected: that he isn’t willing to change. This only strengthened your resolve to leave ASAP.

So I think you might be well prepared – mentally, emotionally and also from a practical point of view – to start a new chapter. But of course, you can’t just press the switch and forget all about him and his abuse. It will take time till you process it all.

Dr. Ramani is a great resource on all things narcissism. She has a youtube channel “DoctorRamani”, with hundreds of videos. So if you need an expert opinion, I highly recommend her videos.

Wishing you further success with moving in the following days!

Dear Dan,

glad you have family around and can spend time with them. Also that you can talk to your mother… is she supportive?

I am very glad that your suicidal thoughts didn’t last, and that you’re feeling a bit better now. Also, that you’re thinking about taking up martial arts again! I guess it’s a good way to build up not only your physical strength, but also mental power, i.e. the feeling of power in your own life. At least that’s what I associate martial arts with… perhaps it’s different for you?

If you have a full-time job, perhaps having a part-time job on the weekends would be too much? I mean it would leave you little time for resting and doing the things you enjoy. But if that part-time job is something you enjoy, then it seems like a good idea.

Yes, I had a pleasant and peaceful Christmas, and an extraordinarily warm one. Very far from white Christmas 🙂 Thank you for asking!

Dear Katrine,

merry Christmas! How are you holding up?

Dear SereneWolf,

good you went to check your TSH level. My advice is to do an ultrasound too, just to make sure there is no autoimmune disease. Although if your TSH is within limits, I guess the chance of autoimmune disease is lower too.

I’d say more in private life but it’s lot better than before

Alright, so you’re better at accepting people’s No, it doesn’t make you so angry any more. If you want to talk about it more, you’re welcome.

Yes definitely. And the thing is that I think after getting an MBA degree I’d be even more confident because right now without bachelor’s or master’s I’m on Manager position. So it does feel inadequate to other people. Because there are some people who finished their Masters and working under me so…

I understand…. yes I guess it’s beneficial to have a university degree if you’re a boss in a tech company. And having an MBA is an additional big plus!

I started taking care of my inner child… with my childhood photo also I talk to my inner child and try to compassionate with him

Excellent! You said that your inner child is trying to get your parents’ approval (Yes exactly and that’s what my inner child is trying as well.). Can you recognize when what happens? And do you have a way to soothe yourself (your inner child), tell him he is good enough etc?

Yes the marketing manager. He’s super persuasive. Definitely like a wall street sells guys. With sweet talkin’ he just makes you say Yes… But what I do now is that I don’t schedule lot of meeting with him. Instead, just make him deal with my assistant and then later I answer him via email. In email writings he can’t win against me

Smart! Reducing face-to-face contact, when he might “sweet talk” you into accepting some unfavorable things for you and your team…  and instead, communicating via email. Cool! And so he’s not too pushy with you in emails?

Hmm I see nowadays social media algorithms are very strict. So you have to be consistent with your content otherwise algorithms just put you way out from the platform.

Yes, that’s a great advice. I know, consistency is one of the key things. If you’re not active all the time, you get forgotten and the algorithm skips you…

And thank you for those two links. I love what it says in one of the articles: “You’ll see that the real project is the best teacher. … In a long run, one mediocre project is worth a few books and online courses. Learn from your own mistakes.”

Yes, I’ve realized that in the meanwhile…

Dear Katrine,

she called my mom and got really angry that we didn’t drive the two hours down to celebrate. But we had already celebrated her birthday so we didn’t see any need for us to do it again.

Well yes, earlier she said she didn’t invite you to the party at her place because she would celebrate separately within the family circle. And then she got angry at you and your parents because you didn’t come to a party to which you weren’t invited in the first place?? Wow, that’s something! That’s some serious manipulation. It cannot be explained away by her being in pain or anything like that. It’s pure manipulation, if you ask me. It’s abusive.

How did your parents react to  it? Have they still tried to excuse her behavior?

I have to deal with a lot of feelings around betrayal when it comes to her. She even tried talking my parents into having my cat put down (I’m a huge animal lover) she has allergy so the couple of times the would come to visit we had to clean the entire house and keep my cat in another room. But she didn’t like that.

That’s quite heartless in fact. Because you did clean the house before she arrived and put the cat in another room. But it wasn’t enough – she wanted your cat to be put down. It shows she has no empathy for you (or the cat). Very selfish and cruel.

All this tells me, Katrine, that your sister has strong narcissistic tendencies. Whatever the cause is (whether her illness or something else), it seems to me that you were subject to narcissistic abuse by your sister, and your parents were her enablers. They excused her narcissistic abuse and accused you if you protested. You were put between the rock and the hard place – nowhere to go, nowhere to get compassion and understanding.

She [your mother] is still in denial about a lot of her behaviour (exactly like I was) making excusses for her behaviour.

Your parents excused her behavior, and they conditioned you to excuse it to this day. They didn’t defend you, and that’s why you believe that nobody cares about you. Because the two most important people in your life didn’t care about you (I mean, they behaved like they didn’t care about you – that was the net effect of their behavior, even if they didn’t mean to hurt you).

And the third most important person in your life – your sister – was abusing you. And you had a mean grandmother too, who told you that having a bird pet constitutes animal abuse! So there was no one in your family to protect you.

No wonder you have such a strong anxiety and believe that no one cares about you. Because it was unfortunately true for your immediate family. You were a collateral victim of your sister’s illness and her narcissism. The problem is that your parents didn’t recognize the narcissism, and attributed her behavior to her illness. And so they became her enablers.

Your father seems to be still enabling your sister, i.e. accusing you and excusing her. Whereas your mother is now at least willing to hear you out:

My mom is listening way more to me now. She is still in denial about a lot of her behaviour (exactly like I was) making excusses for her behaviour. But she has started showing more understanding to my situation

So your mother is still in denial about your sister’s manipulative behavior – she is still excusing it. But at least she shows some empathy towards you, unlike your father. That’s good. You can tell her (when you’re alone with her) that you find your sister’s behavior manipulative. As a glaring example you can mention your sister’s birthday: that first she didn’t invite you and then was angry when you didn’t show up.

So you may try to talk to your mother and help her see how your sister’s behavior is very selfish and manipulative (regardless of what caused it). And you can tell her it has hurt you a lot over the years, and that you don’t want to excuse it any longer. And that’s why you’re keeping your distance. You can then see how she will react to that – whether she will keep defending your sister, or will realize some things.

I’m gonna take your advise about dealing with my sister. I am only going home for a few days and I don’t want to spend them dysregulated and anxious

Yes, try to not take your sister’s comments to heart – be like teflon. Don’t feel bad about yourself, even if she tries to make you feel bad or provokes you. It won’t be easy, since you still have some healing to do, but make the first steps. Try not to be upset by her nastiness and her sense of entitlement – rather, expect it, be prepared for it, and don’t react to it. Stay calm as much as possible.

You can post here and tell us how it is going. I am rooting for you, Katrine. And I too wish you pleasant, as calm as possible holidays, centered in yourself, in the knowing that you are a good and loving person, and that your worth doesn’t depend on what your sister thinks and says about you. If it helps you, you may repeat to yourself “I am free from her influence”, or simply “I am lovable, I am free”.

Dear Katrine,

I think I understand the events now, just this bit I don’t get:

No I wasn’t invited to her birthday everybody from my region was invited down to her place (they moved in together before this) but she excluded me under the pretext that we celebrate both her and my dads birthday together. So my parents didn’t see it as me being excluded but rather a practical thing. My sister never wanted to share her birthday party with him before.

Does it mean that she celebrated her birthday twice: once with her friends and her boyfriend (an event to which she didn’t invite you), and another time with your father, when you were there too?

It seems she didn’t really want you on her birthday, and to be honest, I think it’s better if you don’t have too much contact, since she tends to accuse you and blame you for the things you haven’t done, and you get bad anxiety around her. So it’s best you stay away, although it’s painful, I know. Specially since, as you say, she has a child now and it would be nice to be close to your nephew and spend time with him, and them as a family.

But I wouldn’t want to be around her either, if all I get is guilt-tripping and accusations. That being said, I think it would be important for you to process through some stuff so you don’t get so anxious around her any more, i.e. that her words can’t hurt you so much any more. Because right now, you get very easily triggered around her and your anxiety spikes (you had a panic attack when she accused you of not coming to your nephew’s christening on purpose), or you react with anger and resentment, and then people judge you for your reactions.

So you’d need to learn how to better self-regulate when around her. I think the key thing would be not to believe what she is saying about you. Not to believe her when she says that you are a bad, selfish person. You would need to know that you’re a good, well-meaning person, so that when she starts spilling her accusations, you can just ignore it. That would be Number 1.

Also, I think you should accept that your sister might never change her opinion of you (she might even have some narcissistic tendencies, or her illness made her very self-centered). So when she tries to guilt-trip you into doing what she wants, that you don’t give in. You don’t try to please her so she would think better of you. Perhaps you’re already doing this part – you have stopped trying to please her and you’re paying more attention to your own needs and your own health.

If you know her character and her opinion of you, you can be better prepared and better shield yourself from her toxic remarks. You can take them more calmly, because you know they’re not true. You don’t need to quarrel with her and try to prove that she is wrong. It’s being like teflon (non-stick pan) – her remarks just fall off of you, they don’t stick. You don’t take them to heart, you don’t believe them. They go in one ear and out the other. It’s not easy to achieve, but I think this should be your goal.

The more self-love you have, the less will her words hurt you. Her opinion of you won’t matter to you so much. You’ll be free.

And then perhaps you’ll be able to be around her at certain family events, and it will cause you less anxiety. You’ll be able to behave more naturally with other people, such as your brother-in-law. If he still doesn’t like you, well then it’s his problem. But you will be more relaxed and won’t feel in such danger any more.

Of course, it’s easier said than done, but that’s something to aim for, I think. Maybe before going home for Christmas this year, try to do affirmations (I am lovable, I am worthy), and also try to practice being like teflon. For example, you can imagine that she accuses you of something – how would you react? Can you remain calm, knowing that her words are not true?