Dear Michelle,

I am sorry about the loss of your baby. I can imagine that pregnancy gave you meaning and intensified your hopes and dreams about the future: “everything was vibrant and hopeful and purposeful”. He too was sad about the loss. He opened up about his feelings, and it eventually brought you closer together:

He was surprised at how much loss he felt, and during this time became open about all of his feelings surrounding the pregnancy. There is never really a silver lining when pregnancy loss is involved, but in this case, we have grown closer, even just in the last few weeks.

I feel that it created a sense in him as well, that there is more to life than himself. It expanded his view of connection.

He is now considering moving in with you. He has given you a timeline for when you should expect this move and “it isn’t years out”. The reason he is reluctant to move in with you is his OCD, he says. You believe it’s not such a big problem and that you could work around it.

Well, I believe OCD is a legitimate reason for someone not to be willing to live with another person. If your habits – which are different than his – make him anxious, as you said earlier, then no wonder he would be terrified to live with you because his anxiety levels would be up all the time. I don’t think you could really work around his OCD unless he is willing to work on it in therapy. So far you’ve said he isn’t really willing to go to therapy – has that changed in the meanwhile?

To be honest, I believe raising a child with someone with OCD would be very challenging too. I believe a needy, crying child would trigger him a lot, and he would probably need to escape to his own space, away from you and the baby. And this would likely be traumatic for the child.

You say about your pregnancy:

At the same time I felt like it was all too good to be true and that it wasn’t really meant for me at the time.

Maybe this will sound rude, but I don’t really think it was too good to be true, because it would have been very hard for you to raise a child together with him. Maybe you would have ended up raising the child alone… Do you think you would have been up to it? How would such a scenario make you feel?

So maybe you are romanticizing things a little bit, while your boyfriend seems to be more down to earth, knowing his own limitations. Perhaps that’s why he was in shock and terror when he heard the news of your pregnancy (even though there was “an undercurrent of happiness at the same time”). Maybe he knows he isn’t capable of caring for a child, and that it would have been a huge challenge for him?

Dear Isabel,

I definitely need to sort things out with my husband and change the dynamics in our relationship. I just struggle when I am in this headspace where I feel guilty for what I have done. In my head what I have done is worse than the way he treats me and I guess society would also see it that way.

I just need to find my strength to get over this pit of the stomach feeling and awful anxiety.

When you are blaming yourself relentlessly and feeling awful anxiety about what you have done, it’s like you go back to your childhood and you are completely identified with the little Isabel, who felt horribly guilty and bad and a disappointment to her parents. You are taken over by that old guilt, and aren’t able to see a bigger picture, which is this:

That being said what I did was wrong but what I am feeling now is that I need to learn from this and find a way to forgive myself. I am going to gain nothing from telling my husband other than hurting him and my daughter.

I definitely need to sort things out with my husband and change the dynamics in our relationship.

I also think my inner critic has also come from my husband as he is also very critical. He is a very clean and tidy person and has high standards (which I don’t meet) he is the one who does the house work, he will always get to it before me and then if I do do it, my efforts are not good enough. He seems to be able to do things in a very neat way and Iam just not like that, so he is very critical of me. Unfortunately my daughter has also taken after me and she is not neat and tidy, and he is critical of her.

Your husband reminds you of your parents, who used to be very strict and judgmental. You love him and are trying to conform to his expectations, so that you can feel loved and accepted. It is the inner child in you, who needs your husband’s approval, same as you needed your parents’ approval.

I imagine you often feel guilty when you don’t meet his expectations regarding smaller things, such as tidiness and money spending. And now, you feel extremely guilty, in a bigger thing such as having had a semi-affair with a co-worker. The core of that guilt is the same: you believe you are a bad person, deserving judgment, and that what you did is unforgivable. That’s what the little Isabel believed about herself too, due to having been raised like that.

What you would need is to strengthen your adult self. Your adult self sees the bigger picture and is able to have compassion and understanding for the little Isabel, who is so completely overwhelmed by self-loathing and self-blame. You need to soothe your own inner child… Perhaps you aren’t able to do it on your own, and that’s where counseling can help – to have someone to serve as a good, compassionate parent, to help you through this experience.

And one more thing: perhaps the fact that you fell in love with an older man isn’t a coincidence. It might reflect your longing for a kind, loving parent vs.  a strict, judgmental one.

Dear Isabel,

you are welcome.

I think this situation has made me realise that I do love my husband but perhaps there is some work to do in our marriage.

There probably is some work in your marriage, since you earlier said that he is very controlling around money and has high expectations of you. You haven’t said anything else about your marriage, but it seems to me you are blaming yourself excessively for everything that happened, and freeing him from any responsibility.

I have also realised that I need to look for happiness from him and not from someone else.

What if he cannot give you happiness and joy, at least the way he is now?

I just feel like he deserves better than me

This is the problem: your lack of self-worth. You believe you are bad and worthy of judgment, and probably he is quite judgmental (“has high expectations of you”), and this is the dynamic you are in. Maybe he is blaming you for spending too much, or for not being good enough in this or that way. And you believe him, because that’s what you believe about yourself (and this, as you said, stems from your childhood).

He would never forgive me though I no that for 100% certain. Truth and honesty is what he is about.

If he would never forgive you, that tells something about him, doesn’t it? It’s all fine and good that he is about truth and honesty, but what about other qualities, such as compassion, understanding and forgiveness?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Tee.

Dear S,

you’ve touched upon something very important, which anita suggested: your fear of failure.

anita said:

My best guess as to why you why didn’t want to pursue college, and/ or aim at a more demanding and higher paying job than your current, is your fear of failure, fear of not performing well-enough.

You replied:

I think that’s a fair assessment, yeah! It does feel like attending school would be very overwhelming, especially going back so late in life and maybe that’s where I’m afraid to fail. And yes I do like to keep my life simple too.

Fear of failure can stem from having been criticized a lot as children and as a result, not feeling good enough. You mentioned you don’t feel good enough at any of your hobbies (I have a lot of hobbies I really enjoy doing but I wouldn’t say I’m particularly good at them), so perhaps that mirrors your overall impression of yourself: that of not being good enough.

Has this been your experience?

Dear Javier,

I am happy to hear from you. And I want to let you know that I am here, rooting for you.

The saddest part is that I need and want help, but my mind won’t let me.

As both Peter and Sarah said, our mind is often our enemy, telling us lies, distorting things, even giving us distorted images. It happened to me once, when I tried to meditate on Jesus, all I got was some distorted images coming from my subconscious or I don’t know where from. I was desperate.

What helped me was to call Jesus into my heart. I told him to please circumvent my mind, because my mind is polluted, and come into my heart. I begged him because I couldn’t bear living without love any more. I was desperate. And he did – I felt warmth descending into the upper part of my body, into my heart, and I felt loved. It changed my entire life. It gave me hope.

You may try something similar, Javier. Ask Jesus or Mother Mary to circumvent your mind and come to your heart, so you can feel their love.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Tee.

Dear Dougaldog,

you are welcome. Wishing you well!

Dear Sam,

I’m emotionally tired and really needing a place to vent, but if anyone has any advice about how I should handle them, that would be great.

I don’t know if you’re reading this, since you haven’t responded to anita, but I understand your frustration. You’re trying to help your family members, but they refuse help, they refuse your advice, even though just days earlier they were complaining to you, even raging, about somebody mistreating them.

I know the feeling: my mother complains a lot about having so many chores, and she is already elderly and gets tired easily. But when I suggest she could hire someone to help her occasionally (she can afford it financially), she refuses. She rather complains, portraying herself as the victim. This is just a small example, but she has been doing that forever, always finding reasons to be unhappy, and yet never doing anything to help herself.

I’ve learned to let go of trying to make her happy and help her, because it’s in vain. She’d rather be miserable.

With you, I believe you too would need to learn to let go of trying to help, because it seems like your family members prefer to remain in their anger and rage, portraying themselves as victims, rather than do something to help themselves. You’d need to let go of the urge to help them, even though it’s a normal urge – to help the people we love and care about. But sometimes it’s just impossible, and the only thing we can do is to disengage – for our own good.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Tee.

Dear Rachal,

Yes, we are only happy and content because we are living in US and tend to forget about this problem but we have planned to tackle it once B is done with his therapy that he has just started. I dont know after all this how do I leave him but if not that then probably we will have to take couple therapy because I am still disgusted and dont know how ro feel about and what to do.

It’s great that your boyfriend has started therapy, to deal with his issues related to his parents. Is he clear on the goal of therapy? What would he like to achieve? Is it to be able to better cope and eventually resist his parents’ pressure, and feel free to enjoy his relationship with you?

Also, what about your plans after graduation? Do you want to stay in the US or return to India? Do you both wish the same?

I think these are all questions to consider. Perhaps at this point it would make sense to give it some time and see how his therapy is progressing. His sexual fantasies might lessen too, once he resolves the core issues with his parents.