Dear Andi,

I dont know really, a bad case of bridezilla?!

It’s more than bridezilla, since she refused to listen to you and accused you of lying even earlier, in the case of revenge porn. That’s pretty severe. It appears you had a toxic relationship with her for quite a while, where you allowed yourself to be abused and put down by her. She needed to be the center of attention, and things needed to be her way – or else she turned really mean.

How could I spend 20 years of my life with somebody who just behaved this way. I am so confused!

Perhaps a part of you believed you deserved to be treated like that? It usually happens because we lack self-esteem, and this goes back to how we were treated in our family of origin…

Hi Murtaza,

Also just so you know, i wanted to do online therapy yesterday, i liked the idea that someone could listen to me, but there were some external problems, too expensive to solve, i still wanna do it, if there were easier option.

Good! I am glad you wanted to give it a try. Don’t give up – I hope you’ll find a way to make it happen!

Hi Murtaza,

There is no hope is there?

It is what you are telling yourself. Because you say “it’s my way or no way”. And your way isn’t working for you… so you’re clinging to something that’s not working.

why the only love i can get is from my own mind,

Your mind is both good and bad for you. I’ve already explained it here: https://tinybuddha.com/topic/its-funny-how-life-works/page/2/#post-384611

You don’t blame or condemn yourself, you harbor no shame, so from that point of you, you love yourself. But at the same time, your view of life is very destructive, and as I said, it blocks you from having loving relationships. So you became a prisoner of your own mind, of your own philosophy, because it leaves you bitter and hating your life.

Hi Murtaza,

though you’d need to do it from a different mindset.

How do i do that? Im not gonna argue anymore, im just gonna listen, i feel like sh*t teak, i don’t know what to do, i hate life so much

You’ve asked me that several times before, and every time I tried to give you an answer, you said it was “bullshit” and that it’s not applicable to you. If you still feel the same about the things I’ve said (related to the possibility of healing and changing one’s attitude about life), I can’t help you unfortunately because my advice would be the same as before.

Dear canary,

I am very sorry you’re struggling so much. I believe there are 2 main problems that you’re struggling with: 1) feeling a lack of support by others (I have no one to talk to about this… I just need someone to empathize with me and understand me.), and 2) feeling that you are “less than” because of your anxiety (Having such horrible anxiety is exhausting. I don’t feel like a human being sometimes because of it.)

I believe both of those problems stem from your childhood. You were afraid to even share your fears and anxiety with your father, and your mother was afraid to share it too – so you’ve learned that your anxiety is a big no-no, something aberrant and to be ashamed of, something that makes you abnormal. That’s where I believe your problem No2 stems from – that you sometimes feel like you’re less than human because of your anxiety. Feeling worthless and that there’s something fundamentally wrong with you.

The other problem is lack of support. Your parents are now saying “when you cry, we cry“, which isn’t helpful because it makes you feel guilty about your feelings. And they don’t want to really know about your problems, they minimize them (but you look better! You’re doing better.).

In your childhood, maybe your mother had a similar attitude: “when you cry, I cry”? She lived in fear of your father and it was probably a burden for her to deal with your fears alone. And she didn’t know how to. Whereas your father’s attitude was something like: “if you cry and show weakness, you’re weak, you’re defective, and I’ll be very disappointed in you”. Would you agree?

You didn’t reply to my previous post, but it seems to me your father had quite a damaging effect on your self-esteem. And in combination with your mother’s fear of him, you were mostly left alone to struggle with your fears, which then grew bigger and bigger, leading to anxiety.

It seems to me you are still living with that same wound of 1) not receiving proper support and 2) feeling “damaged” due to your anxiety. Would you agree?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Tee.

Dear Peace,

i dint showed any symptoms of Anxiety infront of doctor but maybe he recognised me as i was very reserved ?? I have no idea ..

Probably he noticed your anxiety… anyway, I think it’s good that you stopped taking the medicine if it made you feel sick.

i dint really get your question here .. seeing which kind of things ??

I meant if you see the situation like I was suggesting: that a part of you wants to follow your own heart and desires and wants to marry your boyfriend. But another part (your inner child) is seeking validation from your family and this is what causes you internal conflict and anxiety. I thought if simply seeing that there is an internal conflict, and then trying to soothe your inner child, might help you deal with the situation better.

I wish you a safe trip to Germany!

Dear Ryan,

you are welcome, and I am looking forward to your reply.

Dear Felix,

I guess it gonna took a while till i can heal from this situation….

I just hope i can recover soon….usually as time passes, i’ll eventually recover sooner or later…

You might stop thinking about this particular situation eventually, but there will be another one, and another one, and you will start thinking about those new situations and new photos…  so until you heal the core problem, it will never go away unfortunately.

One of the reasons why i like camouflaging my height is because it did work… like some of my friends used to state that i’m slightly taller than her.. whereas im actually more or less the same than her, i know that they know im short… but they still think that im taller than most girls (i dont know how to explain it clearly)…

And what if your friends would realize you are as tall as the girls, and not even slightly taller? Your usual anxiety would get triggered, because it makes you feel worthless and not good enough… so again, you’d need to deal with your core problem before you can really let go of obsessing about who thinks what about your height.