Dear Felix,

As for the camouflaging my height, do u think sooner or late there’ll be moment i failed doing it? Because i’ve been trying to do it careful all these years but in the end still did some mistakes.

You’ve already failed, e.g. in the recent photo that you freaked about:

in that pic i look so short, more shorter than usual… because in most pics i always find a good angle for me to look taller but in yesterday’s situation i failed. I look really really short, and the girl beside me was the same height as me and the boy beside me was 15cm taller than me

I guess you did have tall shoes, and yet, at that angle, and standing near a really tall guy, you looked shorter than usual. And there will be moments like that in the future as well, no doubt. That’s why I said you need to heal the core wound, if you want to be free from such extreme reactions.

I wouldn’t like to talk about this topic any more, and answering the same questions over and over again. Please do seek professional help next time you encounter a similar, triggering situation.

Dear Felix,

Can i really get ride of the core problem if i still wanna wear tall shoes/sandals? Or i can wear it, but i must accept if my friends find out how tall i am when im barefoot?

You can wear tall shoes – it’s similar to women wearing make-up to look better. What’s unhealthy is when you start freaking out if you appear short in a photo. In this recent situation, you started having an extreme reaction – you hit the wall, screamed and couldn’t calm yourself down.

If a woman would start panicking if people saw her without her make-up, you would probably agree that it’s an overreaction. Same as you: if you wear tall shoes to camouflage your height – fine. But if you freak out when the camouflage doesn’t succeed – that’s what’s not healthy.

Dear Ryan,

I tend to date women who have had poor relationships in their past. “Poor” meaning either abuse or infidelity.

At the same time, I tend to date accomplished, stable, college-educated women–nurses, law enforcement, Ph.D., etc

Are those the same women? The accomplished, college-educated women, who had poor relationships in the past?

I’m not settled in my own soul and cannot feel settled with another.

I always feel like I need to get myself right before I meet another,

That’s largely true. If you aren’t happy with yourself, you won’t be able to be happy with another. The question is why you aren’t happy with yourself, and this is what I’ve been trying to explore here with you.

My theory is lack of self-esteem: on one hand, you believe you are inadequate and you need to change first, before you meet the right woman (I always feel like I need to get myself right before I meet another). But a part of you hopes you aren’t inadequate. This part craves the validation and praise he is receiving from women who are head over heels for him. This part is going from one relationship to another, staying 6-8 months at most, and basking in their love and adoration. He feels good about himself for a while.

But the inadequate part doesn’t really buy it – he “knows” you aren’t good enough, and sooner or later, you start withdrawing from the relationship. You blame it both on yourself and the woman (I am highly self-critical–and critical). You feel you aren’t good enough (I’m not settled in my own soul), but the woman isn’t quite to your taste either. The latter is mostly an excuse – you simply want out, you know you can’t stay. As I said, I believe you want out because you believe you would prove to be inadequate in the long run.

But you don’t want to stop dating completely, until you “get settled in your soul”, because you crave love and validation you are receiving from the women you are with. That’s why, after each breakup, you start thinking: there has to be something more (or better) than this. I hold onto hope that the next girl will be different.

You seem to forget your own principle: I always thought I’d get a grasp on things in my life, and then I’d meet that one person who was right for me. You forget that it’s largely due to your own issues that you can’t keep the relationship. You start believing that this time, you’ll come across the right person – before you solve your own issues. This is how your mind tricks you into pursuing new relationships, without really solving the underlying problem, which is in you.

Anyway, that’s one possible theory. The question is how to heal yourself… You say you did CBT on and off for more than a decade. Have you worked with your inner child? Because you seem to be very intellectual, but your emotions aren’t very involved.

It could be that those emotions are stored in your inner child – all the anger and hurt and pain… Your inner child believes he is inadequate and unlovable. You, the adult Ryan, would need to get in touch with that little boy and show him you love and appreciate him. You’d need to become a good parent to that little boy… How does that sound to you?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Tee.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Tee.

Dear TheNovaStarr,

I’ve heard of a term “twin flames” and at some point believed it was a very important concept. But over time, I’ve realized that it’s an overrated concept. Because often time it’s a distraction for people to believe that once they find their twin flame, they will be finally happy and fulfilled. It will solve all their problems. You seem to believe similarly:

So my main driving factor of keeping myself from quite literally ending it all this past year has been the ‘promise’ from guides that I would meet them [my twin flame] within the first month of arriving on campus. It has not happened yet, and every time I ask via tarot card, It keeps telling me ‘oh yes it will happen soon’, but it just keeps getting delayed and it makes me feel like this whole reunion is just being dangled in front of my face as a mockery. Especially since my life is already going to shit and is beyond my literal control.

This whole situation has been making me slowly lose hope in life because I am no longer seeing the point in hoping when it is proven with nothing.

Going on top of all this, this week I had major major signs that the whole reunion was going to happen, and up until last night it really did seem like it was going to. I started to regain hope in life, and I was genuinely happy. But then for whatever reason, this morning all signs just pointed towards no it won’t. I am just so lost and I do not know what to do anymore beside just completely give up on everything.

You feel your life is pointless and “going to shit”, and you are hoping that meeting your twin flame would make it better. That it would give you meaning and hope. The truth is that nobody can “save” us, not even our twin flame. We need to first save ourselves. And you can do that by working on yourself and your issues..

What sticks out to me as a potential problem, which causes you pain and hopelessness is this:

• My step mother died
• Because of my step mothers death, most of my family completely dropped me

If you would like to share some more about your family and how come that after your stepmother’s death, “they completely dropped you”, please do so…

Dear Ryan,

you are welcome. I still have a few things to add…

I dated several women with emotional issues–one attempted suicide and another, sadly, was successful. Married the girl who had attempted suicide near the end of our marriage (She attempted suicide after we separated but did not pin her attempt on me). After her, I tried to be more…selective, which may have contributed to my unwillingness to connect on a deeper level with them.

It reads to me you are attracted to women with emotional issues. In the past those were severe issues, which lead to two of your relationships ending with the woman either committing or attempting suicide. Since then, you are probably attracted to women with less severe issues, however they still have self-esteem issues and you said the nurse is also suffering from depression (Like me, she too battles with self-esteem issues and depression.).

I believe you are attracted to such women because you feel you can be a “positive influence” in their lives and “save them”. Which makes you feel better about yourself. Secretly, you feel better/superior than the woman you are with. You even believed that staying with the woman, even though you knew you’d be leaving her eventually – would be beneficial to her. So this is your superiority streak, which causes you to choose women you can feel superior to.

At the same time, you’d be probably terrified to be with a woman who is strong and self-confident, because she would find out how “inferior” you actually are. With such a woman, your worst fear would be confirmed: that you are a failure and a disappointment. You don’t want to be with such a woman, lest your greatest fear gets confirmed. That’s how you are protecting yourself from getting a “definite proof” that you are not good enough – which would be devastating for you.

When you run away from a relationship, you are protecting yourself in the same way. Because if you stay, it might turn out that you are really inadequate, which would be devastating for you. If you leave on time though, this never gets confirmed because these women always praise you. They do resent you for leaving them, but still, they praise you and want you to stay. You are loved and wanted, not discarded and humiliated.

This is I believe the dynamic behind your romantic relationships. What do you think?

Dear Ryan,

I guess I cannot expect anyone to see and accept my flaws when I truly cannot accept them myself.

Right, you said you are both critical and self-critical. You feel flawed. I still believe this is the main motivation why you don’t want to go deeper into a relationship. But then your rational mind finds excuses why the woman is unsuitable. With your previous ex, who had a young son, you said it was her anger outbursts. With the nurse, it’s her looks and political views. While it could be that they aren’t/weren’t a perfect fit for you, it seems to me you are finding excuses to leave them, because of a deeper fear. And this fear includes you feeling inadequate, not good enough. Fear of being a disappointment.

This is what you wrote back in April:

I think my issue is more that I feel a sense of guilt/shame when I hurt or disappoint women. It feels as though women see me as something that I may not always be: A good man or a better man than most. I try to live up to their expectancies but often don’t.

You yourself confirmed that this is one of your main issues. So when you say: “I don’t think that I’m leaving before the nurse sees my inadequacies“, I actually believe you are, but you are suppressing that from your conscious awareness and convincing yourself that it’s because of her inadequacies.

When she asked you why you don’t want to be with her, you said you don’t know:

She wanted to know why I did not want to maintain the relationship: “Is it my dogs? My looks? I’m too needy? Not fun? My politics? Or you just want to check out the dating pool there? Just why you don’t want a relationship?” I did not respond, because I simply do not know. And she is vulnerable and any criticism I would have offered would have stuck and she would carry it on to future relationships.

A part of the reason is her inadequacies (which you didn’t want to share with her, not to offend her), but a part of it is your deeper fear, which you aren’t aware of. That’s why you didn’t really know the reason. At least this is how I see it…

Dear Umaz,

Also, I don’t find it useful to continuously relive my past. It’s emotionally exhausting and takes away from my present.

Good psychotherapy helps us heal the emotional wounds and deficiencies from the past – it’s not meant to last forever, reliving the painful experience again and again.

Based on what you’ve shared so far, you have a wound of rejection, which you’d need to heal. If you find psychotherapy too expensive, you may try to do some self-healing, i.e. the inner child healing.

You as a little girl have been rejected by your family. As anita said, maybe it happened not in your early 20s, but much earlier? This girl feels hurt and reacts whenever she feels a semblance of rejection. Your main pain point seems to be rejection by the family – this time not your own family, but your boyfriend’s family:

i feel like a liability and not really a part of the family which he claims I am.

I just said something like ‘oh so you invited your ex’s family but not me when you say I’m supposed to be your family? Dont ever say that I’m your family because you don’t treat me like family, I’m not family, I’m just your girlfriend. And don’t ever make me speak to your mum and sister either, I’m done playing nice with them’.

You feel excluded from your boyfriend’s family, same as you felt excluded from your own family. Until you heal your childhood wound, this or a similar issue will keep coming up in your relationship.

So I encourage you to start working on healing that wound, healing your inner child, telling her that she is loved and cherished.

But I really am alone, I don’t have any people in my life I can rely on. I don’t have family or friends. I don’t have very good self esteem to make new friends.

The little girl in you feels very alone, and probably unworthy of love. You – the adult Umaz – would need to reassure her that she is not alone, because you are with her and will never abandon her…