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Thomas168ParticipantHello Figuringitout,
I am sorry for all your loss. People become important in our life then they move on in one way or another. All things change thru time. Stress is generated thru our reaction to events. How you handle this determines your well being. You are in a stage of life when friends and family begin to leave you behind. Whether you can accept this or not will not change the events. My advice, which has never helped anyone, is to live life evenly. Move forward from one day to the next. Keep your mind focused on your goals. If you have no goals then find one. Learn Buddhism for example. Good luck to you and your future.
Tommy
Thomas168ParticipantHello Alessa,
My wife liked Backstreet boys “AS Long As You Love Me” or Roxette “It Must Have Been Love”. But, she goes back to Chinese songs. And she loves those Chinese serial dramas. Sometimes she get caught up and can’t stop watching them.
Daughter is taking Calculus and Child development and other classes. Some of the math I never had. Like “Interval notation of domain and range”. Watching a few YouTube videos on that to help explain it to her. I was much happier helping her with simplify The fifth root of some number with a few variables. Or rationalize a denominator. Remember the polynomials. Determining if something is a function. Math today has gotten much more complicated than when I took Calculus or differential equations. Changing the domains to make solving the differential equation easier. I guess I must seem stupid next to her now. Can only encourage.
How is your son doing? Pre-school? They grow up so fast. From beginning to walk to getting their high school diploma. Learning to drive. Enjoy the voyage. Did you get the dishwasher installed? Such a time saver but I still do them by hand.
Not to forget this Thread is about Zen stories.
A tired and worn out soldier asks a Zen master to show him heaven and hell. The Zen master severely insults him, and as the old soldier pulls his sword out with rage in his heart. Ready to strike down the Zen master. The Zen master then says, “Open are the gates of hell.”. This causes the soldier to suddenly awaken and bow.Note: This isn’t something a Zen master would do to all people cause not all are ready to receive the nudge to see the truth of one’s nature. Stops the rational mind for the spirit to understand.
Thomas168ParticipantI did not report Anita’s post. And, I have apologized for my post. It was merely to point out her wishing for one thing in one moment. Then wishing for the opposite the next moment. This is suffering. The constant wanting for something else. Seems to me that you read quite a bit more into my post than what was actually said. No matter, I accept your criticism. I bow my head to your wisdom.
Thomas168ParticipantAnita said, “Thomas said: “I am sorry I brought this up”-
Well, why then did you submit the message where you brought it up, right after feeling sorry that you brought it up?
Thomas said: “I don’t mean to make light of the feelings you have.”-
If you didn’t mean to make light of Annie’s feelings, why did you make light of her feelings?
Annie shared that her family had “a TON of trauma”- she didn’t have a Garden of Eden kind of life.
🌿 Anita”Truth unspoken remains hidden. I know how my posts sounds. So, I apologized.
But not one thing was a lie. So, not to speak would be to let the suffering to go on.
This is the second arrow. But, I am sorry. And let you be the judge.
Cause you obviously know more than me.
No sarcasm. Truth.
I will let you condemn me as you always have.Thomas168ParticipantAnnie7 said, “Ironically if I am around people for too long I start to feel resentful, or even mildly panicky, or worse, like they are siphoning off my energy. I have one online friend who takes forever to get off the phone, and likes to play therapist with me. She means well, but I feel resentful about it. Another person I talk to would be happy to sit silently on the phone with me forever, but I start to feel weird about it and like I just want my independence back. I do a tug of war between wanting to be alone and needing desperately to be around people. I don’t talk to either of these people every day and in fact my closest friend is now dying, which has set off a lot of suffering for me.”
Wanting community but start to feel panicky or worse. Have online friends but feel resentful. Maybe just want her independence back. Tug of war between wanting to be alone and needing desperately to be around people. What does that say? Like the old joke, … Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. Adams says isn’t wonderful that we can live forever and never age. Have all we can eat. Just marveling at the blessings of God. Eve replies Yeah, it just isn’t enough. Can’t seem to find happiness???
I am sorry I brought this up. I do not mean to make light of the feelings you have. Just that it sounds to me that one is finding it hard to find happiness within one’s life. I wish you well and hope things get better.
Thomas168ParticipantHello SereneWolf,
Are you religious or follow a spiritual path? Do you follow Buddhism or any other religion?
Just curious. I have found that belief in something helps one to get thru the rough times and uncertain times.
Rebuilding oneself requires break the old self down.
Usually, it should be a transformation from a weaker self to a stronger self.
But, one never knows how it will turn out.
Just keep trying. Wish you well.Tommy
August 20, 2026 at 6:07 pm in reply to: Realizing the ways my recent ex hurt me–how do I avoid growing resentment? #460525Thomas168ParticipantResentment means they are living rent free in your head. You are holding onto the emotions that the relationship had brought about. To be free from the resentment or being afraid of the next relationship then you must free yourself of the emotions that hold your memories. Once you are free from the emotions then letting go becomes easier. Soon after, you can forgive and forget. But, it is the holding onto the emotions that keep the memories coming back. Then they run rampant. The more you stay on this emotional trigger then the more it hardens solid. Making it more difficult to release. You can even call it ptsd. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Well, I hope you find your way out of this hole and live a good life which is the best revenge.
Thomas168ParticipantHey Alessa,
All is well. Daughter is getting ready to go to College. Orientation is on Friday. Then classes start the following week. She is fearful of the next few days. Different school and bigger school and confusion as where classes are. So far, I just give her the ideas of what she needs to do and she finds a way to get it done. Very proud of her. Have to keep in mind that she is mentally disabled. Has been since she was diagnosed in preschool. She has to get the college to acknowledge her disability and get more time for testing. She has to work harder to keep up with the class.
My life? It is to keep everyone happy. Cook, clean. And whatever else so things go well. My wife is the bread winner since I retired. Social Security isn’t so secure. And no pension. She is also the reference to any medical or health issues. Yeah, got a family structure. Being poor sucks.
Got another song. “y outube.com/watch?v=nsHfeiGrFqo&list=RDMM&index=5”
The Sad Pacific. Came from a movie about two guys who grew up together.
If you haven’t realized, my wife came from China. That is why I listen to so many Chinese songs. When my wife asked me for American music, the only thing that could think of .. was Fleetwood Mac Rumours album which I heard in my youth. She wasn’t thrilled. Guess I got weird taste.Thomas168ParticipantLiked, …
“Its funny how reflection can be two things at once: a tool for processing, and a Zen mirror simply noticing. It’s amazing that both can happen at the exact same time, as you noted earlier.”
August 10, 2026 at 7:54 pm in reply to: When family dynamics you grew up with become unacceptable in adulthood #459998Thomas168ParticipantDon’t know the dynamic. But, being older has taught me that when people stop respecting you then it is time to find space between you and them. It doesn’t mean to end things. Just to find space to reduce the drama or trauma that comes from being together. Hold the space as a way of being respectful and not battling (physical or otherwise). Later when things cool down, just begin again as human beings.
I have siblings who are always right no matter the subject or whether they know anything about the subject. I just shut up and let them believe they have won. Winning is not important to me. I am grateful for things they might have done for me. And am willing to help them as much as I can. So, I just shut up. Peace is more important to me.
Thomas168ParticipantHello Peter,
Sometimes the mind needs a moment to reflect and just come to terms with what happened. One can call that suffering the second arrow or the third arrow. Still, the mind needs to process. If after practice and all that training then maybe we can be free from the Karma that binds us to the rebirth. IDK. Just trying to live in the moment. That is why I think I was drowning in love songs. Now, it has passed and the next chapter comes alive.
I hope to see you in the stream entry someday. Where we might meet and be silent in our understanding of our lives. To know that we are made of one and the same cloth.
Thomas168ParticipantHello Alessa,
This is strange that you should like these Chinese songs. But, that song is just off the mark for me.
Guessing it is missing that emotional draw for me.
Try this one, “y outube.com/watch?v=3P6uuUvEhAs”
It is called Norwegian Forest. It has a weird blues flavor to it.
And, it tends to stick in my head. Even though it is in Chinese and I don’t know what they are singing.Oh, I liked your post to Peter. Umm, not really bilingual. Just know a few phrases.
Enough to ask where the bathroom is. Otherwise, I use the international indicator.
My index finger to point at what I need. Shake my head when I mean no. LOL.What drew me to Buddhism? Wasn’t so much Buddhism as it was Zen Buddhism.
The Zen stories which highlight the mind’s understanding.
The way they illustrate the way we think and live our lives.
Meditation brings about a peace not found elsewhere in life.
Well, other than when one is immersed deeply in a single activityWhat drew you to Buddhism?
Thomas168ParticipantHello Alessa,
You actually listened to them?? Most people would just let it go since it is in a different language. When I first heard them, I did not understand the words but felt the emotion from the songs. When I went to listen to the music by the nun, at first, it was not to my taste. Then gave it a second chance and it reflects a different mood.
One which I wasn’t ready for. I learned Cantonese first and you would think it would help in learning Mandarin but it doesn’t really. My mind just doesn’t want to process Mandarin. I tried learning Spanish in High School. Didn’t take. I spent about a month in Puerto Rico but didn’t interact with the people there. To learn a language, it really takes using it daily. My niece learned Spanish. Cantonese, not so much. Weird?
No one else in my family is into Buddhism as I am. Strange how one can live in similar surroundings and still grow up with different views??
Thomas168ParticipantHello Alessa,
Another song that I drown myself in is Starwish By Cecilia Cheung. Here is the YouTube video.
“y o utube.com/watch?v=qKb8oKwZMHI” it has the English translation. For me, I just listen to the song
And get the feelings from the melody. I don’t understand Mandarin. And not especially in songs.Thomas168ParticipantHello Alessa,
“In My Song” is a little too new for me.
心太軟 (Heart Too Soft) is closer to the time which I courted my wife.
YouTube video with translation “y o utube.com/watch?v=xgKCRLS9ZS8”
I put in spaces to keep the system from detecting a URL.
And even then the song was a little old.
Richard Marx’s “Right Here Waiting For You” was a good one.
Cause we started a long distance relationship.
I would see her once a year. Finally married her in 1996
And she came to the states in 1999. Yeah, I am still in a mood. -
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