She felt like I wasn’t there to support her and that is also her reason for having the affair. She thought the other guy was very understanding and she felt he was the only person at that time she can confide to.

I haven’t all of read the rest of the posts yet so I don’t know if any of this has been said, but these two lines you wrote to Anita are important. She was feeling unsupported and not understood, so that’s some of what she needs to feel from you in order to repair things… as well as trusted and not tracked (you also pointed out to me how she lied to you several times, but you lied to her as well when you were tracking her).  I completely understand why you don’t trust her as she’s definitely proven herself untrustworthy, but if you two somehow do decide to repair things, you’re either going to have to just blindly trust her or be open to an open marriage and then hope that she’d regain her feelings/attraction toward you over time. You’re also going to have to somehow let go of everything that’s happened so far. I would also highly suggest marriage counseling. Also remember to pay close attention to what you’ve done in all of this, especially before the affair. I’m not at all saying that her cheating is your fault, but if she’s saying she felt unsupported before then, that’s something you need to pay close attention to because that’s behavior of yours that will need to change. I’d talk to her as Mark said and find out what other issues she was having with your behavior (not to point fingers, again, but those issues are part of what turned her away if your relationship had been good beforehand) and see if they are changeable.  If she knows you will work to fix those things and try to reconnect and redevelop the relationship slowly over time, maybe it can be fixed.

If you two didn’t originally live in two different countries, I’d say this woman’s behavior toward you is unacceptable and I’d move on being that she’s cheated multiple times and seems to have checked out already, but if you went back to Canada without your daughter, it’d probably be hard for you to see her after that. I doubt the mom will let you take her out of the country without her unless she decides she’d rather not be a mom, so until your daughter turns 18, it’d probably be best for you to stay in Japan. I think in this case, because of your child, it’s worth doing everything you can to try to stay together… unless you’re willing to stay in Japan with being married to her.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Valora.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Valora.

Valora:

Mindset, yes! That is what I am struggling with. I am trying to focus on happiness, because what I realized is that when he is not talking to me and out of my life, even for a few days…I feel more at peace and good things are brought my way. It saddens me that I have this attachment to someone who consistently hurts me and disrespects me. I have set boundaries, but sadly, let him cross this, disrespecting myself and showing him that it is “okay”, when it is not…

The thing about attachments is they take a while to break, so that’s something that should be expected. It is completely normal that you have this attachment, so your job now is to just simply accept that it’s there and that it will take time to dissolve… but after time apart, it WILL dissolve. If you feel better and more at peace when you are apart, that is your biggest sign that he is toxic to your life and that you need to distance yourself for your own mental health, no matter how your mind tries to rationalize your current feelings. The attachment feels comfortable to your mind, so that’s why it’s hard to let those go at first, but stay strong. You will feel better over time and your mind will change once it feels comfortable without that attachment.

What makes me feel guilty are the “what ifs”, and I know should not live for the what ifs, but i do…the last time we broke up, he got into a car accident, got sent to jail, and got a DUI…he called me from jail. He told me that if it wasn’t for me leaving him, he would not have been in jail. I feel since I left that one time, I caused that… he always brings it up to say i was not there for him. What if I leave and he goes more heavily into drugs? His family kicks him out? What if he CAN change and I made a mistake leaving possibly the only person I can have this bond with? I sound crazy…it has been a cycle.

Another thing to realize that may help you change your mindset is that you are not responsible for what happens to him. HE is. He is telling you these things to manipulate you into staying… to make you feel bad for him, like you are responsible for him. You aren’t, and that kind of manipulation is emotional abuse. Again, another reason why he is toxic and why you need to stand firm in a decision to leave, no matter what your mind tries to tell you (and I realize I keep talking like the mind is a separate entity, but it kind of is in these cases. It’s in protection mode and only wants to maintain comfort but lots of times it’s counterproductive to what’s actually best for us).

Yes, it’s possible for your ex to change, but it won’t be because of anything you do or don’t do. It’s a decision he has to make for himself. And until he DOES change and for an extended period of time, he will be toxic to you. You are not responsible for his change or his lack thereof. He is. He is responsible for the car accident, the DUI, and the jail time. You did not make him react the way he did. He chose to react that way. So when you mind starts in with the “what if’s,” always counter those thoughts with “HE is responsible for HIMSELF,” and remember that him telling you that you are responsible for his actions is a manipulation… emotional abuse. I may not know you but you seem like someone who deserves far better than that. Please remember those things.

Yeah, shingles is more common than you’d think. It’s sort of a reactivation of the chicken pox. Stress tends to activate it, I think.

But I’m glad you finally did it, now it’s important to stay strong with it so that you don’t have to do it again. So if she texts you she’s confused on whether or not you’re together, simply text back “we are not together.” Eventually she will get the point.  I think she knew it was coming given the way she was so accusatory about you going to your friend’s house, so it will be good for her once she accepts that it’s over and she will probably feel a lot less stressed overall once she accepts it. She is just in the denial stage right now, so stand firm and keep acknowledging that you are broken up whenever she seems to want to act like you aren’t.

I also feel like she’s wrong that it’s normal to fight all the time. It’s normal to argue SOMETIMES, but not as much as you guys seem to. She’s saying that because she doesn’t want to break up and WANTS it to be normal. but it isn’t.

And remember…. as horrible as you feel about this, you are doing her a favor.  You giving in will only hurt her more. It’s actually the meaner thing to do. It’s been almost a year since I came onto this site and you wanted to break up with her then. So these feelings you’re having aren’t just temporary. She isn’t your match… which means you aren’t hers either. Setting her free gives her the ability to find the guy that she will be happy with… and for you to find your true match after you spend some time getting to know yourself again and can be happy on your own for a bit.

I agree with Inky. This is a pretty big incompatibility. A huge one, in fact, and should definitely be seen as a deal breaker. You may be willing to compromise now to be with him, but there will come a time when the spark in your relationship wears off a bit, and your desire to have kids will come back again if it was always there before you met him. Your boyfriend is right. You two should just save yourself the pain in the future (which would be MUCH, MUCH bigger as you’ve had years to grow closer rather than just months) and separate now.

Inky’s also right that, in the future, he might have kids… but he also might not. I have quite a few friends in their 30s, both men and women, who haven’t had kids and have absolutely no desire to have them for various reasons. So you definitely can’t bank on the “what if he changes his mind” thoughts either.

You’re welcome! If it helps, I know exactly how you feel. haha. My ex and I had planned on getting married this year. It can be tough around those special dates, and I think that’s understandable. It’s going to hurt sometimes and I don’t think there’s a way to make it NOT hurt until it just doesn’t anymore, but the important thing is to try not to linger in the thoughts. Feel the feelings and just let them pass without judgment on how you’re feeling at the time. It’s okay and understandable that these things still hurt.

I guess I had a similar weekend as you did. I went out to watch a friend’s band play, and people kept asking about my ex, which is weird because we’ve been broken up for a year and a half, but it definitely does make you think about them more when people bring up their name.  I’ve also gone 5 months without contact with him and it’s also been the longest we’ve ever been not in contact (the longest before was only a month), so that’s kind of weird that we’re both sort of on the same timeline right now, but at least I get how you’re feeling. It comes in waves, right? You’re okay and then you’re not, then you’re okay and then you’re not. I experienced that the most last year when I was grieving the hardest. It’s back a little bit now, too, because I’m going through a custody battle and he was there for me at the beginning of it, and I’d really like to talk to him about it but I’m refraining. Anyway, you just have to ride out the waves.

I do hope you feel better soon. Try not to fight the feelings when they come (you’re having them for a reason and fighting them is like telling yourself you shouldn’t be having them), but keep trying not to let yourself dwell on them either. They’ll pass and hopefully get fewer and farther between over time.

I think Anita said it all and said it well. I’m sorry to hear about what your girlfriend has been going through lately, but I agree that your plan is a good one and that you should stick to it.

My ex broke up with me during a rough time in my life, too. Everything was exploding around me at the time, including a custody battle that was beginning with my daughter’s father. My ex leaving right then, though, allowed me to build a strength that I feel I wouldn’t have built if I’d had him to lean on rather than leaning on myself, and I have NEEDED that strength to get through this. Meanwhile, he likely wouldn’t have been able to handle this battle well and it likely would’ve made us both even more miserable. So sometimes even leaving during difficult times really does end up benefiting the person more than staying would have. I’m telling you this because I hope it eases any guilt you may be feeling about leaving during a struggle, but you still won’t be leaving her high and dry anyway as she will have time to find a place and she will truly understand that the relationship is over. I think this is a good thing for both of you. Good luck and stay strong!

I think I see four explanations for you still being blocked here and it could be a combination of any of them (or something else that I’m not thinking of):

1. She forgot she blocked you, so she doesn’t realized you’re still blocked.

2. She could be still mad and just doesn’t want to unblock you but also doesn’t want to talk to you about it. As you said, you insulted her baby’s name. She’s likely to harbor resentment over that because that baby will have that name for his or her entire life so that’s a pretty big insult when it comes to new moms. So this most likely did some damage.

3. She has a newborn. This makes her very, very busy and also very, very tired, so your friendship is probably not a focus..

4. You are far more invested in the friendship than she is at this point and she isn’t concerned with remaining in contact, especially given the fact that she didn’t tell you she was pregnant.

So…. if it were me, I would just let it go and give her some time. It’s likely she’s exhausted, which means she isn’t going to want to deal with repair of a friendship with someone she never sees, and if you push her about being friends right now, it’s likely to just push her further away. If you give it some time, though, and maybe message her in a month or two after the baby gets a little older and starts sleeping through the night, she may be more responsive. I wouldn’t mention the fight or apologize again (because you already apologized so just leave it at that). Instead, just check in and see how she and her baby are doing. Then you can talk about unblocking if she seems responsive or if the conversation goes well… or maybe she will even unblock you in the meantime.