Hi Dreaming715,

What if you just learn more about the band and it’s culture and why that would be funny so you can feel a little more included? Sometimes jokes really are just jokes and aren’t meant to be mean in any way, and it can only be to your benefit to learn how to be okay with being the butt of an originally well-intended joke (meaning he wasn’t trying to hurt you with it), even maybe poke back a little bit. Being able to take a joke, especially when it’s directed at you, is a very attractive thing to most people.

I understand how this upset you initially, but he clearly intended no harm and I think it’s a positive thing that he deleted it right away because that shows that he cares about your feelings. A lot of guys would just tell you to get over it. You’ve got yourself a good one.

JC… can you answer my question, please? Does “available to someone else” mean available for sex, dating, or just hanging out?  Did she invite you to the concert or are you just unable to go?

It’s one thing if she’s saying she’s available for dates, sex, and things like that with other people or didn’t even invite you to go with her to that concert but it’s another thing if she’s just wanting to take a friend to a concert since you aren’t able to go with her. So those details are kind of important.

I would absolutely talk to her mother, if it were me. I might not go into that much detail unless her mom asks you to explain, but I’d just say that things are not working out but there is an issue with her having someplace to go once she moves out of your house, and then simply ask if it would be okay for her and her kids to move back home with her until they find a place. If her mother says that she can move back, then that means you will know for sure that she has a place to go and she can’t tell you otherwise. Then it becomes she doesn’t WANT to go rather than she CAN’T go, and, honestly, that’s not your problem. As long as she lives with you and wants to be with you, she will have absolutely no motivation to actually leave or find a place… but if she lives with her mom and doesn’t want to live there, it’ll give her the motivation to find a place, which will be much more helpful to her in the long run (she’ll be growing and moving forward rather than staying in a relationship with someone who isn’t happy). Know what I mean?

I agree that it would be great for you to just be alone for a while and get back to being yourself and doing the things you like to do. I’m sure your daughters would love that, too. If you fall very quickly when you date, though, I would hold off on that for a bit. Just hang with friends and do some new fun things with them instead.

Did he break up with you 2 years ago, you with him, or was it mutual?

I think you should just maybe give it some time and see if your head clears. Keep getting to know the guy you’ve been seeing since that could potentially go somewhere or develop into something, and if that isn’t an exclusive relationship and you are still wondering if you should give your ex another chance, I don’t think it would hurt to get to know him on a friend level, just to see if he has grown and changed in a similar way that you have or you may not even be compatible now. I’d think your decision would become more clear over some time.

How long were you together?

Since you are okay with not having your own children, I think the biggest barrier in your relationship seems to be that he didn’t want to live with you (or anyone else). Would that have been okay with you or would you eventually want to move the relationship forward to living together and maybe eventually marriage?

If you want to live together eventually and he doesn’t, the relationship was bound to break down sooner or later, and given you want children, it’s better to happen sooner than later so that hopefully you can meet someone who wants the same things as you, but take time to get over this relationship first. You’ve only been out of contact for a week so it’s completely reasonable that you’re still feeling a pull toward him because you still hold that attachment to him and that takes time to release.

So maybe think about it… especially if not living together was going to eventually be a deal breaker for you, then it’s better you broke up and it’s better to just allow yourself to gradually detach from him as you’re able and move on. I wouldn’t advise staying friends with him or talking to him though until you feel you’ve let go of him.

Dear Valora , thank you for your reply

Yes i want a man whose words line up with actions, i want him to be affectionate. You are right i was the wrong one by continuing with him after he ghost me, the guy is just words not actions and that’s a complete deal breaker for me.

But i am afraid to be alone, i am unemployed it will be difficult for me to find new hobbies without money, all i do is just watch TV which later drains my energy, i feel useless and like an embarrassment since i never had any relationship that i can say was good , i feel like a failure in life in general, like the worst was only made for me, nothing best, the only blessing i have is my son, the other things are worst, worst things that always happen to me.

I’m so glad you realized that’s a dealbreaker from you and hopefully you can move on from this guy and find one who will treat you in a more respectful and caring way.

As for being alone and without a lot of money, there are plenty of hobbies that don’t require a ton of money. I’m a single mom with 2 kids, so I get how it feels to not have extra money for things.  Hobbies can be anything from reading books (do you have a local library that allows free membership?), writing blogs, taking walks in nature (trails in the woods or a local park, whatever is outdoors and available for you). I’m not sure how old your son is, but I used to love to kick a soccer ball around with my daughter at the park or climb the slides and swing with her, too.

If you aren’t sure where to start, just Google something like “low-cost hobbies” or “free hobbies” and see what you can come up with for ideas. Try new things. This is EXACTLY why you should stay single right now, because now is the time for you to figure these things out… because it’s also important when you’re in a relationship that you have your own separate hobbies that you can do so that you don’t become codependent in a relationship (which sets a relationship up for failure, basically, even when your partner is also codependent).

If you feel like a failure right now… the good news is that you can change that, but it’s going to take effort. You just have to start trying different things until you find the things you really enjoy… and you’ll know it when you find them because you’ll feel lighthearted and happy and time will just fly by when you do those things. Your mood and feelings about yourself will naturally start to improve as you find and do more of the things you really enjoy.

I’d also definitely spend less time watching TV. That’s been shown to make people feel exactly the way you do, even when watching interesting shows.  Even just finding a book series is a better way to pass time and feel good afterwards.  I love the young adult dystopian ones, like the Hunger Games, as well as self-help books. My mom and sister like the romance novels. Maybe you can find a series you really enjoy, too. There’s a book called “Girl, Wash Your Face” by Rachel Hollis that people rave over and that one might be helpful for you, too, and you might be able to find it in a free library because it’s been out for a while.

I agree with Anita, and 3 years is quite a long time to “get yourself together and heal.”  Is he even actively working on it? Or is he young and just doesn’t want to be tied down?

Two things might happen here:

1. He might finally decide that he wants to be in a relationship with you…. which, after 3 years, probably isn’t likely unless something changes, like if you start dating other people and he realizes he’s afraid to lose you. Right now, he’s comfortable with things as they are and you’re just there waiting and there’s no real risk of losing you, so why change anything, right? You waiting around for him is keeping you in limbo.

2. He might find someone he really wants to be in a relationship with, will get into a relationship with that person right away, and you will be left there feeling stunned and rejected. And I know it probably sucks to even hear that, but if you wait and he doesn’t end up doing what he keeps telling you he will, it’s going to make rejection feel sooooo much worse.

So my advice is, like Anita said, definitely stop sleeping with him. Then go out and actively date other people or try to find someone else you connect with. You might find someone you like even better OR it could jolt him into committing because he’ll realize you’re not just going to wait around forever.

I really think what you’ve all said about me meeting the right person will kill any thoughts or feelings I have for her.  I do think you all are right.  How am I supposed to meet that right person though.  Someone who is just like her.  She is the one I want… the one i need.  I wish things were simple and you could just tell someone these things without it coming across needy or clingy.  I wish so many things.  I feel like i’m stuck in this fantasy land or love story that isn’t over, even thought it is.

That’s the thing, though, John. Your mind is telling you that you need someone exactly like her, but that’s not true. You two didn’t work. That’s why you broke up. Something needed to change for you two to be able to work, so you don’t need someone just like her (or who she was when you dated)… you need someone that really fits you… either her changed into someone more mature or someone else entirely, but if you get someone exactly like she was when you were dating, you’ll have the same problems and break up like before. Our minds think we know what we need but we only know what we want. We DON’T always know what’s best for us, no matter how strongly we feel about it.

Your ex gave you a taste of what a real great relationship was like, but only a temporary one. That’s what you’re desperately clinging onto now, but it’s only making you suffer and potentially keeping you from someone who is truly long-term great. And remember…. the way she left wasn’t great. The fact that she started dating someone else so quickly wasn’t great. The way you’ve felt for the past year and a half hasn’t been great… so she is not as great as your mind and heart want to believe. She needed to change, too, and based on your interactions with her in January, she still had some maturing to do, even then.

You just have to do whatever you can to get yourself to the point where you will LET yourself let go. You’re not to that point yet, which is why you’re still thinking about it so strongly and suffering so much.  I know it’s possible because I am finally to that point.  I haven’t let go of my ex completely (and that’s okay. You don’t have to either) because I still think of him probably daily but I don’t get emotional about it anymore, and I’m able to just let those thoughts pass and remind myself that there is still someone out there, but now isn’t a great time for him to come into my life anyway because I have so much going on. And it would be a TERRIBLE time for yours to come into your life now, too. Your life isn’t open to it because you’re still attached to 2 people, your girlfriend and your ex.

That tells me I need to be done.  that I need to end this now, no matter the hurt or consequences.  I just have such a hard time hurting someone like this.

Absolutely. And I get that it’s hard but think of it this way…. you have been dragging this out since AT LEAST October… so that’s 6 months. If you’d broken up with your girlfriend back then, which still would’ve been terrible timing, just like it is now, she would’ve had the last 6 months to grieve, get situated, and maybe even meet someone who would be a better fit for her. Your prolonging the relationship is keeping her from that. And just like then and now, there isn’t going to be a perfect time for a breakup, so you just have to do it now. Get on with it so you can both move on and stop feeling so terrible. Especially with you getting so frustrated with your life that you don’t want to live it. You need to change your situation for yourself and your kids more than anything.

Good luck! And definitely keep us posted.