Dear Valora , thank you for your reply

Yes i want a man whose words line up with actions, i want him to be affectionate. You are right i was the wrong one by continuing with him after he ghost me, the guy is just words not actions and that’s a complete deal breaker for me.

But i am afraid to be alone, i am unemployed it will be difficult for me to find new hobbies without money, all i do is just watch TV which later drains my energy, i feel useless and like an embarrassment since i never had any relationship that i can say was good , i feel like a failure in life in general, like the worst was only made for me, nothing best, the only blessing i have is my son, the other things are worst, worst things that always happen to me.

I’m so glad you realized that’s a dealbreaker from you and hopefully you can move on from this guy and find one who will treat you in a more respectful and caring way.

As for being alone and without a lot of money, there are plenty of hobbies that don’t require a ton of money. I’m a single mom with 2 kids, so I get how it feels to not have extra money for things.  Hobbies can be anything from reading books (do you have a local library that allows free membership?), writing blogs, taking walks in nature (trails in the woods or a local park, whatever is outdoors and available for you). I’m not sure how old your son is, but I used to love to kick a soccer ball around with my daughter at the park or climb the slides and swing with her, too.

If you aren’t sure where to start, just Google something like “low-cost hobbies” or “free hobbies” and see what you can come up with for ideas. Try new things. This is EXACTLY why you should stay single right now, because now is the time for you to figure these things out… because it’s also important when you’re in a relationship that you have your own separate hobbies that you can do so that you don’t become codependent in a relationship (which sets a relationship up for failure, basically, even when your partner is also codependent).

If you feel like a failure right now… the good news is that you can change that, but it’s going to take effort. You just have to start trying different things until you find the things you really enjoy… and you’ll know it when you find them because you’ll feel lighthearted and happy and time will just fly by when you do those things. Your mood and feelings about yourself will naturally start to improve as you find and do more of the things you really enjoy.

I’d also definitely spend less time watching TV. That’s been shown to make people feel exactly the way you do, even when watching interesting shows.  Even just finding a book series is a better way to pass time and feel good afterwards.  I love the young adult dystopian ones, like the Hunger Games, as well as self-help books. My mom and sister like the romance novels. Maybe you can find a series you really enjoy, too. There’s a book called “Girl, Wash Your Face” by Rachel Hollis that people rave over and that one might be helpful for you, too, and you might be able to find it in a free library because it’s been out for a while.

I agree with Anita, and 3 years is quite a long time to “get yourself together and heal.”  Is he even actively working on it? Or is he young and just doesn’t want to be tied down?

Two things might happen here:

1. He might finally decide that he wants to be in a relationship with you…. which, after 3 years, probably isn’t likely unless something changes, like if you start dating other people and he realizes he’s afraid to lose you. Right now, he’s comfortable with things as they are and you’re just there waiting and there’s no real risk of losing you, so why change anything, right? You waiting around for him is keeping you in limbo.

2. He might find someone he really wants to be in a relationship with, will get into a relationship with that person right away, and you will be left there feeling stunned and rejected. And I know it probably sucks to even hear that, but if you wait and he doesn’t end up doing what he keeps telling you he will, it’s going to make rejection feel sooooo much worse.

So my advice is, like Anita said, definitely stop sleeping with him. Then go out and actively date other people or try to find someone else you connect with. You might find someone you like even better OR it could jolt him into committing because he’ll realize you’re not just going to wait around forever.

I really think what you’ve all said about me meeting the right person will kill any thoughts or feelings I have for her.  I do think you all are right.  How am I supposed to meet that right person though.  Someone who is just like her.  She is the one I want… the one i need.  I wish things were simple and you could just tell someone these things without it coming across needy or clingy.  I wish so many things.  I feel like i’m stuck in this fantasy land or love story that isn’t over, even thought it is.

That’s the thing, though, John. Your mind is telling you that you need someone exactly like her, but that’s not true. You two didn’t work. That’s why you broke up. Something needed to change for you two to be able to work, so you don’t need someone just like her (or who she was when you dated)… you need someone that really fits you… either her changed into someone more mature or someone else entirely, but if you get someone exactly like she was when you were dating, you’ll have the same problems and break up like before. Our minds think we know what we need but we only know what we want. We DON’T always know what’s best for us, no matter how strongly we feel about it.

Your ex gave you a taste of what a real great relationship was like, but only a temporary one. That’s what you’re desperately clinging onto now, but it’s only making you suffer and potentially keeping you from someone who is truly long-term great. And remember…. the way she left wasn’t great. The fact that she started dating someone else so quickly wasn’t great. The way you’ve felt for the past year and a half hasn’t been great… so she is not as great as your mind and heart want to believe. She needed to change, too, and based on your interactions with her in January, she still had some maturing to do, even then.

You just have to do whatever you can to get yourself to the point where you will LET yourself let go. You’re not to that point yet, which is why you’re still thinking about it so strongly and suffering so much.  I know it’s possible because I am finally to that point.  I haven’t let go of my ex completely (and that’s okay. You don’t have to either) because I still think of him probably daily but I don’t get emotional about it anymore, and I’m able to just let those thoughts pass and remind myself that there is still someone out there, but now isn’t a great time for him to come into my life anyway because I have so much going on. And it would be a TERRIBLE time for yours to come into your life now, too. Your life isn’t open to it because you’re still attached to 2 people, your girlfriend and your ex.

That tells me I need to be done.  that I need to end this now, no matter the hurt or consequences.  I just have such a hard time hurting someone like this.

Absolutely. And I get that it’s hard but think of it this way…. you have been dragging this out since AT LEAST October… so that’s 6 months. If you’d broken up with your girlfriend back then, which still would’ve been terrible timing, just like it is now, she would’ve had the last 6 months to grieve, get situated, and maybe even meet someone who would be a better fit for her. Your prolonging the relationship is keeping her from that. And just like then and now, there isn’t going to be a perfect time for a breakup, so you just have to do it now. Get on with it so you can both move on and stop feeling so terrible. Especially with you getting so frustrated with your life that you don’t want to live it. You need to change your situation for yourself and your kids more than anything.

Good luck! And definitely keep us posted.

Yeah, there is NEVER going to be a good time for a breakup. There’s always something… next week, next month, etc. That’s kind of why you have to forget about finding a good time and just rip the band-aid off.

I definitely agree with Mark. Have you started any counseling yet?

You may feel guilty, but, again, she is just as much at fault in this situation as you are, and I still think you’re doing a disservice to her by keeping this going, especially when you know it’s eventually going to have to end because you aren’t going to want to do this for the rest of your life.  The longer this takes you, the more she’s going to cry…. rather than just crying through her feelings of the breakup until she gets over it, she’ll cry every time you guys fight and then end up crying through her feelings of the breakup anyway when you’ve finally had enough. What you are doing now is just prolonging both of your suffering, so if you haven’t started counseling yet, I’d really, really suggest you do so and work on developing the strength to do what you know you need to do.

I really really want to just say “screw it” and just go for itt. I guess the fact that we’re practically strangers makes it very hard!

Right, I can totally understand that, but you might be interested in him for good reason, right? With what you’ve described, you feel some sort of intuitive connection there, so that may be worth exploring even though you don’t know him well yet. You don’t have to go into it expecting a long-term relationship, but rather just a “maybe or maybe not… we’ll see” kind of expectation.

 

But yes I do see your point, if someone takes interest in you and wants to get to know you, why wouldn’t they just do it, especially if we’ve already spoken.

Here’s the question I’d ask….. you have spoken with him as much as he has spoken with you, correct? And you are here, still thinking about him, interested, and wondering if you should ask him out. Who is to say he is not doing the same thing? If this is the case, nothing will happen until one of you makes a move, and the notion that it HAS to be the guy or that if the guy doesn’t make a move, that must mean they aren’t interested is very outdated, in my opinion. Sometimes the guys are just as shy or afraid of being rejected as girls are, sometimes even more so.

So… you can either wait for him to make a move, which he may or may not do, and risk wondering “what if” if he never gets the nerve…. OR… you can make the move yourself so that you can know for sure the “what if” and risk possible rejection. It’s up to you to figure out which risk you’re willing to take.

I guess I’m just trying to figure out if it’s even worth putting myself out there to someone I barely know, or if I should forget and move on!

What are the negatives that you see to putting yourself out there that might make it not worth it to you or how do you think it might effect you afterwards if it turns out he isn’t interested?

With the way you’ve described things, I agree with your friends, it sort of sounds like he might like you too (given the way his friends are acting) but is too shy to make a move OR he could be feeling a little intimidated by you and thinking he’d get shot down.

What if you just walked up and asked him if he’d like to go to a movie this weekend or maybe check out a new restaurant or something?  or if you know you both enjoy or have been meaning to try some activity in particular (like one of those painting classes for example), ask if he’d like to go do that with you?

I think it’s definitely worth a shot. You’re right, it’s 2019 and perfectly acceptable for girls to ask guys out and I know plenty of guys who loooooove it when that happens (it takes the pressure off of them. lol). The worst that can happen is he will say no, and then he will be going to another school next semester anyway, so I’d say go ahead, build up some nerve, and go for it. At least that way you won’t always wonder “what if?”

My advice to you would be to Google “letting go” and read anything that pops up that sounds interesting to you.  The things you might want to delve into are letting go of the end result… for example, if you don’t care about the end result one way or the other and know that if it doesn’t work out, then it wasn’t meant for you, that helps take the anxiety away and you can care less about the frequency of texts, too, because if this guy isn’t right for you, there’s always the next one. Letting go of control is another one, even if you don’t feel like you have a controlling nature, we all like to have a bit of control over our own lives, and sometimes that need for control over one thing or another can cause us to act a bit desperate because we’re trying to gain control over the outcome… even when it’s one we can’t control, and then all of that trying tends to push the thing we want away instead of it drifting effortlessly towards us.   So that’s where I would start. It’s great that you’re feeling like getting out there and dating again but be careful not to rush yourself either.