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ValoraParticipant
Hi Capricornus!
The reason I think I may need to (sadly) end the relationship is that he would see any ultimatum as a restriction on his freedom and I don’t want to do that.
This behavior is something I would not like in a relationship either, so I can see how you’re uncomfortable with it. As GL explained above, setting boundaries is necessary and healthy. And as Anita explained, asking your boyfriend to not touch/tickle other women or pull them onto his lap is not an unreasonable boundary to set. Just as you want to be understanding of his culture and upbringing, he also needs to be understanding of yours. Relationships are about compromise, especially when it comes to ending another partner’s reasonable discomfort, and that includes the men having to make changes just as much as the women, even if it restricts their freedom. The only relationships that don’t have at least some form of restriction of freedom are open relationships, so that’s likely something he’s just going to have to learn to deal with or stay single (or perhaps find a doormat for a girlfriend/wife, but he will end up having a very unhappy girlfriend/wife).
If you’re considering ending the relationship anyway, it would be better and make more sense to just ask him to stop doing that beforehand, and if he refuses, then end the relationship. You never know, he might understand and be willing to compromise. And if not, it won’t matter if he sees the boundary as a restriction on his freedom, because you will be ending the relationship with him anyway.
February 22, 2020 at 9:58 am in reply to: Why am i still single? Could it be that there’s isnt really the one for me? #339458ValoraParticipantBoth of the girls that didnt reply to my texts are both im attracted to, but ended up making me feeling down. Im just confused if there is something wrong with me or maybe im a bad luck person…
Hi Felix!
I’ve singled these two sentences out, because they’re important. You are basing that second statement on the rejection of TWO girls. What were your expectations when you messaged them?
I would also suggest you continue to work on loving yourself. It’s an ongoing process, and you should definitely keep going at least until you get to the point that you realize that someone’s rejection doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you or that you have bad luck. It just means they aren’t a match for you. Not everyone will be a match, and so far, from what you’ve posted here, you’re sort of beating yourself up over the fact that three girls haven’t been a match for you, but that number is very, very low. This doesn’t mean you should be going after girls you’re not attracted to… just alter your expectations a bit when you do talk to girls or when you message them… just because you’re interested in dating them does not mean they’ll be interested in dating you. This does not mean anything is wrong with you or that you should change anything about yourself to make them interested (because that would not be genuine). This is true for literally everyone on the planet. One person’s interest will never guarantee the other person’s interest… and dating is hard. It’s sort of a number’s game. The more people you get to know, the more likely you’ll find someone who is just as interested in you as you are of them.
ValoraParticipantHi Eskimo:
You were basically blindsided with a revelation of infidelity. Your mind wants to leave because of you don’t feel like you can trust her, your heart wants to stay because you love her and have built a life with her. You’re being pulled in two different directions. Is it really any wonder that you’re inconsistent? I think it IS fair that you are in this case. You’re experiencing what is called cognitive dissonance and you’re going to keep going back and forth until you’re able to reconcile your thoughts and feelings back together…. and that might take some time.
I agree with you that if she wanted to work things out, she should have completely cut off contact with the guy she cheated with, whether you’re saying it’s completely over or not. If I were in your position, thinking of her still dating this guy would NOT make me want to go back. How are you supposed to regain trust in her when she’s still choosing to date this guy? She is the one that should be trying to make things up to you, but it sounds like you feel like you’re the one being unfair. Well, in my opinion, you aren’t being unfair and you aren’t the one in the wrong here.
What I think you should do is just take some time to yourself, without talking to her. If you two have kids, then ONLY talk about the kids when you must co-parent and not about the relationship. You need time alone to work through your feelings on what has happened. If you don’t talk to her about it, you won’t have to worry about seemingly going back and forth with her. Once you reach some clarity, then I’d have a conversation with her.
If you don’t already, I would start meditating in the morning and the evening. Meditation generally helps with moving through feelings and gaining clarity. And also please give yourself a break and some credit. You have been through a traumatic thing. Infidelity is traumatic. You are not a terrible person for feeling inconsistent because of it… like I said, you’re being pulled in two directions.. by no fault of your own, I might add. You wouldn’t be feeling like this if she had remained faithful, so you have every right to be inconsistent until you can reconcile your thoughts and feelings, however long that takes.
ValoraParticipantHi Sarah!
I think you have to be careful with those articles on narcissistic personality disorder. The way some of them are written makes practically anyone who is immature, selfish, and ruled by their own ego seem like they have the disorder… when they don’t. And it’s unfortunate that that word is thrown around so much lately, just as much as “empath” seems to be. So many bloggers these days appear to be experts on both, but are they really?
Narcissism exists on a scale, and although someone can be a little further up the scale toward the narcissism side than others, very few actually have the personality disorder. It also takes a specifically-designed psychological eval test and an interview by a licensed psychologist to actually diagnose this disorder. Because it’s tricky.
This guy you’re talking about just sounds really immature. From what you say, he needs attention and validation (which is actually pretty common with social media culture). He likely needs his ego fed externally because he’s missing something internally. He needs to do some growing. You also said he likes drama, which is another sign of immaturity. Immaturity is different than narcissism, even though narcissists also do tend to be immature.
I’m pointing this out, because I want you to know that he may actually have cared about you as a person but just handled things really poorly, as an immature person often does. There are a lot of reasons people don’t let others in emotionally, and his childhood experiences with his dad are likely a big one.
With that said, I think you have a right to feel hurt and upset by this. Rejection feels bad, and you seem to be comparing yourself with his past relationships, but what happened between you and him says nothing about your worth as a person. He clearly has some issues to work through, and there was likely something going on with him in his relationship of 6 months that made him suddenly chase after you so intensely. Given that you started up right after that, he wouldn’t have had a chance to work through whatever those feelings were from that previous relationship (especially if he was bringing up ex-girlfriends… he’s caught up in feelings there still), and that could’ve made him stall out or act distant with you, which, of course, flared up your insecurities. I’m pretty sure emotional distance makes most people feel insecure, so go easy on yourself and just try to find the lesson in this so that it doesn’t repeat.
Do you get paid when you play in the band with him? If so, I would consider it just a job rather than him using you, just for the sake of your own feelings. You play an instrument that is needed in that band, so they asked you if you were available… the same way people are hired in companies who have needed skills. Maybe framing it that way will help you to feel better about playing the gig, but I would probably say no to future gigs as long as your feelings are wrapped up in him. Do you know of anyone else who plays your instrument that could fill in for you?
ValoraParticipantI don’t think it was unreasonable to expect a yes or a no, but that doesn’t mean you were going to get one. Lots of times expectations aren’t met, which is the biggest problem with expecting things in the first place.
I think he was probably letting you down gently or possibly trying to keep you on the backburner. I don’t like that he told you not to rush something, because I don’t think you were, and saying it like that makes it sound like you were doing something wrong… and you weren’t. It was perfectly okay for you to write and say it was nice to see him and ask to meet up again. He could’ve simply let you know that he’ll let you know when he was free instead of adding that last part.
At any rate, if he was excited to see you again, he likely would have made a date with you instead of saying he’d let you know, but I don’t think this guy is a big loss.
February 14, 2020 at 11:31 am in reply to: I cant stand being single and always being rejected #338314ValoraParticipantDear valora
Yes i can relate to your advices as i realize i do a mistake by trying to get close to her by texting, in which there is a friend of me who can help me get to know her as he know im interested in her. I should have waited for him to help me get to know her, but i’m impatient and text her first and this is what happen. Do u think i still have a chance with her? (I’m not good looking so maybe this is also a cons when meeting her for the first time later on, even though that she has saw my face in my ig)
Do u think she’ll be disgusted/turn off when we meet for the first time later on? Or do u think she’ll feel like nothing happen?
Honestly, I have no idea what will happen when you guys meet for the first time or how she’ll feel because that depends entirely on her as a person. None of us here know her… but I don’t think you should expect anything one way or another. Just leave things open. Sometimes even when you get to know someone well, that doesn’t mean they will want to date you, and it doesn’t mean anything bad about you. If someone doesn’t have feelings for you, it just means you two aren’t a match.
So what I’m saying is don’t get your sights set on one woman, thinking if you get to know her well she’ll fall for you, because that won’t happen if you two aren’t a match for each other. Just be open to connections with the girls you meet, and if there isn’t a connection with both of you, be ready to accept that for what it is (not a match, and that’s okay!) and keep moving on until you find a good match (you’ll know when you do because you’ll feel the same about each other and a lot of your values/wants for the future will line up).
Also… confidence plays a big role in whether someone looks good or not. Confidence and a good sense of humor can make anyone more attractive. And those guys that are really traditionally attractive… if they have a terrible personality or are full of themselves, they become less attractive. Attraction really isn’t just about what someone looks like.
February 14, 2020 at 10:40 am in reply to: I cant stand being single and always being rejected #338298ValoraParticipantWhy is it girls always do this to me? I have already take every advice in improving myself and try to love myself (i have accept my short height) to improve me in being confident to chase a girl. But when i try to get close they immediately go away like that. I feel so sad right now i dont know what to do, i really wanna cry and now i also feel scared that most of the girls that im attracted to will most likely ignore me. I dont know if its just me being unattractive or im wrong in the way im approaching them through texts. I feel being treated unfair for my relationship life.
Hi Felix!
You might feel better if you manage your expectations a little bit. Instagram isn’t really a dating site. Some people might be on there hoping to meet new people, but most are on there to just share their lives. So the fact that the girls didn’t seem interested in continuing a conversation with you might not actually have anything at all to do with you. They might not like private messaging with people they aren’t good friends with. They might have been busy and unable to talk at that time or just didn’t feel like chatting. There could be any number of reasons why they stopped responding, but you will only get hurt if you keep expecting that getting close to someone should make them fall for you, because they might not…. even if they do find you attractive. I’ve had a lot of guys message me on social media sites like Instagram and Facebook, trying to make small talk, but I’m not interested in dating that way (I’m not on any dating sites or apps) and small talk doesn’t really make me feel interested in someone, even if I think they’re good looking. I’m sure a lot of other girls feel the same. So again, it’s probably not about you.
So if you’re looking to date, instead of trying to chat with new girls on Instagram, join some dating sites or see if there are any fun group activities in your town where you might meet new people and get to know them in person (which is SO much better than trying to gain interest through text message)…. BUT keep in mind that you will not be everyone’s cup of tea, just like not everyone will be yours. That’s how it is with everyone, no matter who they are or what they look like. As the saying goes…. “You may be the ripest, juiciest peach, but there will always be someone who doesn’t like peaches.”
- This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Valora.
ValoraParticipantchildren’s mother doesn’t love them unconditionally, she continuously threatens to leave them if they engage in any positive way in dad’s relationship so they leave in constant fear of mother’s rejection…
This is absolutely, 100% emotional/psychological child abuse, and I would make sure the mother knows that. She should NOT be using her love as a bargaining chip against her kids. ever.
bf is a fantastic dad so I fully understand that he doesn’t want to cause the children any distress. The older child now starts behaving like mum, giving dad silent treatment at any mention of our relationship. I feel there’s nothing I can do other than wait for a change in my bf’s management of this situation but my worry is that there’s no clear timeline on the horizon….unless there’s a solution I don’t see? (Apart from leaving)
I agree that all you can do is wait or leave. Those are really your only options that you, yourself, can do. However, I think your boyfriend should put pressure on the mom to stop behaving this way because it’s not at all healthy for the kids… even just the idea of them thinking she’ll leave them if they don’t do what she says is abusive and unhealthy for them. So for his kids’ sake, if he hasn’t already, he should somehow attempt to get the mom to understand what this is doing to the kids… although I know sometimes that’s easier said than done and some people just don’t “get” it. But that might be where counseling/mediation comes in. It’s not fair for him to have to hide who he dates while she dates freely…. but if he were to just start bringing you around, he would become the “bad guy” to them, and if the mom is already practicing that type of emotional abuse, she may try to use you to alienate the kids from the father. So his only real options here are to push to change the mother’s behavior or just let it go….. which I do think will bite her in the butt later on, but at the expense of her kids, because this has to be messing them up emotionally, too.
One more piece of advice though… if he does end up talking to her, he should make it about the abusive nature of the comments she’s making to the kids and not about him being able to bring you around them. If she stops saying those things and chills out for the sake of her kids’ emotional health, you will be able to come around as a result either way. If he makes it about you, though, she’s likely to not listen at all, I’m guessing.
ValoraParticipantI agree with asking him about his past, BUT keep in mind that some people don’t feel comfortable talking about certain traumas with anyone, so if he doesn’t want to share certain things, it may be nothing to do with you, how comfortable he feels with your, or how much he trusts you… it may just be that he cannot talk about it. This is why art, music, dance, and drama therapies are gaining in popularity because they are allowing people to express and release past traumas that they cannot express verbally through other means.
Can you say what exactly it is that your parents are worried about when it comes to him or why they don’t like him? What reasons have they given you? Do they have any expectations for you to date a certain type of person that you know of?
For one thing, though, he’s going to have to change that believe he has on relationships being based on “irrational passions, lies, and seduction” or he’s setting himself up for failure already. SOME relationships might be, but definitely not all. That’s something you two can talk about though and if you decide to stay with him long-term, your actions together as a couple can prove to him otherwise.
ValoraParticipantHonestly, as a parent myself, I’m on board with your boyfriend. The kids come before anyone I date, and I would do the same thing if my kids weren’t comfortable with someone I’m dating just yet…. but there are things your boyfriend can do besides forcing the kids to be in an uncomfortable situation, especially when they’re worried they’d risk the love of a caregiver.
Most importantly, the mother needs to get over it, and she needs to have a talk with her kids that she will NOT reject them. I would suggest that your boyfriend have a talk with her, help her to see that it’s not good for the kids to be living in fear of their mother rejecting them for any reason, and that it would be better for everyone, mostly the kids, if their mother’s love is unconditional. If they can get that resolved, then the kids should feel much better about being around you, and your boyfriend shouldn’t have an issue with you all being together. Sometimes talking together with a psychologist/mediator can help a ton with these discussions. I know that’s what it took for my daughter’s father to finally stop acting like a jerk, and he even apologized!
Otherwise, if he won’t stand up to the mom and make sure they both as parents let their kids know that their love is unconditional and they won’t ever reject them, he’s going to have to not bring anyone over until both kids are grown and moved out, and in that case, you might be wasting your time unless you don’t mind the possibility of things staying the way they are for the next 7 years or so.
ValoraParticipantHi Laden,
It doesn’t really change anything as far as my advice goes. I’d just wait a while but still keep your options open (don’t turn anyone down who you are genuinely interested in if they happen to come along). Hopefully he will start feeling better soon and you two will be able to pick back up where you left off.
January 30, 2020 at 7:13 am in reply to: He cheated on his ex with me and now got back to her #335824ValoraParticipantHi Chloe,
I think it’s totally understandable how you feel hurt and betrayed by this guy. It’s a very good thing you found out about this now, though, before you got even deeper into it, because if he’s cheated on his to his girlfriend a bunch, he would do it to you, too. Just know it has nothing to do with you or your worth as a person. At all. Or even his girlfriend or anything about her. This is all him. It might take you a bit of time to stop feeling hurt and angry, but you just have to be patient and let yourself feel and work through those feelings so that you’re able to fully let them go. But as far as the feelings of insecurity go, just try to remind yourself that his behavior says nothing about you as a person. He’s a jerk and gooood riddance.
ValoraParticipantYou had only been seeing each other for a month and weren’t actually girlfriend/boyfriend so I don’t think it can really be considered a breakup so much as just not spending as much time together, and the “break” part of it is just putting a hold on the expectation of building a relationship. I would just back off for a bit, not try to hang out unless he asks you to, maybe not message him every day, but I would definitely still check in on him once in a while just to ask how he is and how he’s feeling, because that’ll show him that you care about him. Keep the lines of communication open.
ValoraParticipantI think your feelings of hurt and betrayal are completely normal, and you’re going to have to just give yourself time to feel them as they come up and then let them pass. Eventually, it won’t sting as much, and it sounds like you realize you’re not losing a great friendship here, so once you get past these feelings of betrayal, you should feel much better and also won’t be friends with someone who would be involved with your husband… that was a huge betrayal in my book. A friend should NEVER do that, let alone a best friend.
Is it possible that part of you could also be mad at yourself for trying to forgive her and move on despite what you know she did, only to have her turn around and act like you are the one in the wrong? I had someone do something similar to me a few years ago (not involving cheating, but still betrayal) and when I dug deep, I realize part of my anger was coming from me feeling foolish at myself. I was mad at me, too. If that’s the case for you, as well, again, it’s natural… it’s just something worth recognizing, feeling, and then forgiving yourself for trying to do what you felt was the right thing to do at the time, and letting it go.
ValoraParticipantIt sounds like he is really sort of emotionally available and commitment phobic. He can behave in the way people do in relationships, loving, attentive, etc… but his beliefs aren’t going to allow him to accept a long-term relationship, and something will have to change those beliefs before he will see himself with anyone long-term. This really is something he should mention to people up front, especially if he knows the person he’s dating is looking for something long-term.
He seems to be blaming his parents’ relationship on marriage itself, as if they wouldn’t be fighting just the same without it, which is misguided, but he has to figure that out for himself. I also know some people don’t believe in life-long relationships because they think everyone gets sick of each other eventually so they want to leave themselves free to break up whenever they’re sick of the person (even if it’s 8 years later) rather than commit to marriage…. which is fine if they believe that way, but they really need to make sure the person they’re dating has the same belief and is NOT looking to eventually marry.
I agree with your friends that it’s better you found out now. The belief he has is a strong one, and it’s not likely to change by dating longer. He would’ve just found more and more things to nitpick you over (looking for basically any excuse to end things once he felt your relationship was getting a little too long-term for him) and eventually would’ve broken up with you the same way, but your feelings would’ve been deeper and it would’ve hurt you much, much more. The one for you will have the same beliefs about marriage that you do.
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