As time’s gone on he’s stated he dislikes my friend [especially after that dinner, obviously, which my friend still doesn’t believe my fiance doesn’t want his friendship. I’ve told him to his face twice and my friend still acts like they’re best buddies and nothing happened] and while he won’t tell me to stop being friends with him, my fiance does hope I walk away from my friend.

First, I want to say that I think it’s awesome that you and your fiance are so trusting of each other. That’s so rare these days and just really, really special. You two sound like you have a wonderful relationship. With that said, you know that your fiance ultimately doesn’t like your friendship with this guy, and even though he won’t tell you that you cannot be friends with him (which he shouldn’t do, so that’s good of him), wouldn’t it be better to distance yourself from this guy for your fiance’s comfort, given how he feels about him and that his feelings are certainly justified? I know things seem all good and he’s very understanding, but I feel like things like this have a way of chipping away at relationships… no matter how understanding your fiance is, it doesn’t stop underlying resentment from building (not that he will ever resent you over it intentionally, but sometimes those feelings sneak up on you). So I think you may need to factor that into your decision.

I also have to ask… why do you want to attend a party that your fiance is banned from attending?

Very fair point about the girlfriend, though I should point out we’ve been friends for over a year and have always acted this way. His girlfriend hasn’t been dating him long, she was one of the friends we hung around with for the same amount of time, and she’s seen [and commented on] our friendship.

Right, BUT he was single during that time and your fiance said he was okay with it, so as far as you both knew, it wasn’t hurting anyone. Now it IS hurting someone, and most people he dates are not going to be okay with the flirtation you two have, even though it’s your dynamic with him. When one friend starts dating, things have to change for the comfort of the new person in the relationship. And HE should have been the one that changed it, especially if you didn’t even know he had a girlfriend. He should stop flirting with other girls out of respect for his new girlfriend since it does make her uncomfortable. And no matter how comfortable your fiance says he is with your flirtation because he trusts you, I’m willing to bet he’d be relieved if it stopped, too.

We still sit together when we go out places. I’ve deliberately waited for his girlfriend to take the seat next to him, and he’ll get all confused. Twice since we found out they were dating he’s looked at me all sad and asked why I didn’t sit next to him, and once [at her house I should add] when everyone else got up for food [I stayed in my seat because I wasn’t hungry] he took our friends seat next to mine and moved it so close to me he was practically in my lap. [no joke, I asked the person sitting across from us at the table if there was no room and she replied “oh no, there was enough room to put another chair between your friend and the person next to him] I know I’m not defending his actions very well, I’m mostly trying to say it’s a very new relationship and he’s acting like they’re not dating outside of walking beside her when we’re in a group.

I think this is my point, he’s acting like they’re not dating outside of walking beside her, and that is SO disrespectful. All of his behavior towards you is disrespectful towards her and speaks VOLUMES about his character (negatively). Is it possible that you don’t want to really see that and instead defend him because you like the attention he’s still giving you? These are actions that really shouldn’t be defended. He’s dating someone else while treating you like he’s dating you while you have a fiance. There are blurred lines all over the place, and usually when relationships are new is when couples are all over each other, so this whole thing really is quite weird, and it really feels like it’s some sort of game (and I know you likely don’t want to hear that, but something feels off).

Reading your above post, I’ve met a number of narcissists and while you make a good point, he is different from them, which is why I hesitate to conclude he is one.

I can tell you, I’ve met narcissists that are what you have described. I’ve dated one. I defended him fiercely too because I believed him and then found out I was wrong, so this is why I’m saying just proceed with caution because sometimes our feelings can cloud our intuition, and I’m not entirely sure you’re being honest with yourself about your feelings, even though I DO think you’re trying to be. You seem very aware, but these guys can fool even the most self-aware women sometimes and you’ve admitted you like the attention he gives you so there might be some part of your mind that is blocking yourself from seeing just how bad the bad is (even though you do see the faults) because your mind and self-esteem are benefiting from the way he’s acting, even though it’s ultimately hurting other people.

I think the most telling thing will be how he reacts when you tell him you want to back off. I’d tell him you want to be friends but don’t want to be touchy/flirty at all any more out of respect for your significant others (even though your fiance says it’s okay with it) and see how he reacts to that. If he flips out… red flag.

 I don’t get that “bad person” vibe off him like other toxic people I’ve met.  He has said he knows he’s not perfect [despite always joking he’s never made a mistake] and he wants us to tell him when he can improve.

I have heard from a lot of people, including my fiance, they suspect he’s trying to break us up. I highly doubt that mostly because I have such a low sense of self-worth I doubt anyone as attractive and charming as him [because he is, there’s a lot of girls who have crushes on him, but he’s convinced he’s ugly and nobody likes him] would actively pursue someone like me.

I’m quoting these two things you said above because they’re important and relevant with each other. Do you think the fact that this attractive and charming man paying so much attention to you may be clouding your judgment a bit?  I don’t like to throw the word “narcissist” around, mainly because I think it’s vastly overused this day and age, but from what you’ve described so far, he is sounding pretty textbook narcissist, which means he knows what to say and how to say it to get you to trust him, even when his actions should be speaking louder than his words. It’s a deception but people constantly fall for it because of the charm. That’s why I definitely think it’s important to pay very close attention to how he treats others because he WILL treat you that way sooner or later, now matter how he treats you right now.

while I’m the only one he’s given back rubs and played footsies with [I’ve asked them] if he knows you’re comfortable hugging him, he’ll hold your hand or accidentally brush against you a little more than coincidentally.

How does your fiance feel about him doing these things to you, and how would you feel if another woman were doing this to your fiance? It’s important to note this because it’s a gray area when it comes to infidelity with some people, although some people are okay with these kinds of things, many will find it inappropriate and leaning toward disloyalty. If either one of you would not be okay with the other receiving this kind of treatment for someone else, that’s another red flag toward your friendship with this man. It could be damaging to what I assume is a relationship that is very important to you (I’m assuming so because you’ve agreed to marry your fiance). If your fiance would be bothered by it, is it worth the damage? Also, how does HIS girlfriend feel about it?

I feel it’s all his perception of himself and I’m hoping to talk to him [but I’m not sure how to word it] so we can work together to improve his “alpha” persona when he’s in public. He tells me frequently how he’s the master of perfect first impressions and he’s terrified he’ll never live up to that first impression so he goes extra with everything. I can’t tell you the number of times we’re in a group and when the two of us leave to head home you can see him physically drop and breathe a sigh of relief and he turns into this completely different person who is anxious and sweet and tranquil.

Do you think the fact that he appears to act differently ONLY around you might be helping you make excuses for his behavior, thinking he’s misunderstood and only reacting that way because he’s insecure, so if only he could feel more secure he’d act differently and everyone would see what you see and that you can help “fix” him? That can be a trick, too. It’s a way to get you to let your guard down. Narcissists tend to build people up, make them feel special, like a million bucks, until they know they have them and then they flip. I’m not saying he’s definitely a narcissistic person or even that he’s being calculating for sure, because there’s no way for me to know that, I just want you to make sure you keep your eyes wide open. Read up on narcissistic abuse, how those relationships start (even friendships), what happens during, and what happens after things start changing (which usually happens so gradually that you don’t notice it happening until suddenly you feel terrible about yourself and you’re isolated from all of your loved ones and yet can’t understand why you feel so badly).  I’ve been through it in way, so just read up on it so you’re aware of what goes on so that you can see the signs if they’re there, and don’t let his charming nature cloud any judgment (we as people in general tend to make excuses for charming and attractive people for behavior that shouldn’t be excused, because their charm blinds us and makes us think they must really have good intentions. That’s how narcissists are able to do what they do to people. My daughter’s father is that way and it’s hell trying to coparent with him sometimes. lol).  So just read up, stay educated on that kind of a person, and pay close attention for annnnyyyy red flags without excusing behavior… and that will help you protect yourself from falling into narcissistic abuse. From what you’ve described of the advice your friends have given you, I’m pretty sure that’s what they’re worried about, too.

I’ve been blindsided with a breakup of a long-term relationship with right before a holiday, and I’m not going to lie. It’s devastating. It completely ruins the joy of the holiday. BUT… you said what you said and he pulled it out of you, and that’s at least partially on him for making you spit it out. I think you’re just going to have to ride it out and deal with the guilty feelings you have because nothing is going to stop you from having them, even if he stops talking to you or you block him.  If you do block him, it’s likely to hurt him worse. You might feel a little better, but he’s going to feel like you don’t care at all and you’re still going to know he’s in pain, so you’ll still feel guilty.

If you really want to ease it for him, just let him vent. He may not be actually intending to guilt trip you, no matter how much it seems, but just may be in a lot of pain and cannot understand where this is coming from and is just saying whatever he feels he needs to say to you. It’s also quite a shock to the system when you go from talking to someone every day for years to feeling like you can’t or they won’t be there for you.  You have had months to sort of start detaching from him emotionally, while he’s only had literally days, so while his reaction might be showing emotional immaturity, it’s understandable in this case.  A blindsiding breakup (and yes, it is blindsiding if he didn’t think you were going to tell him you wanted to break up when he asked you to spit it out) after years together really can be traumatic, and it’s going to take him some time to settle down from the emotions that it brought up, and while his reaction is taking it’s toll on you, I can guarantee it’s likely taking more of one on him.  I’m not saying this to make you feel any more guilty because this situation just is what it is and both of your reactions are normal, especially with the awful timing, but maybe it will help you to be able to put up with this while he vents a little easier… and if you know that you can help him get through it by letting him vent or talk to you, being honest, remaining friendly (but not romantic, which was a good idea on your part so as to not give him the wrong idea)… maybe that could actually ease your guilt a little.

I love Anita’s idea of seeing a counselor together, too.  It is a LOOOTTT easier to get over a breakup when you understand what happened, and a counselor can help mediate a discussion to sort of hash things out, and a counselor would also likely agree that you guys are young with a lot of life left to experience and heading in different directions, so a relationship isn’t going to work long-term in this case, and maybe hearing that from someone else with you all in a room together would help it sink in and ease his pain, as well.

Is there anything that has been going on lately with your husband, extreme stress? Depression? Anything like that?

Aside from that… definitely join some groups. Find some hobby groups in the area that you might enjoy, painting, sewing, even a bowling league or something. It will be a good way to both take your mind off of what’s going on for a bit and meet new people while doing something fun and enjoyable. I think you will start to feel at least a little better if you are able to make some new friends and have some social support.  I also agree with counseling groups with people who have been through similar experiences. That common ground will really help too, and you’ll likely develop friendships with those people, as well.

My mom was almost 40 when she started dating my stepdad, and they are happily married. I mean they have their annoyances with each other, of course… they’re both retired so they spend most of their time together and any couple would get annoyed at times, but they have a great relationship, are very considerate and respectful of each other, and do lots of fun things together.

I found and dated who I thought was the love of my life in my mid 30s. We didn’t end up working out, likely due to a slew of separate personal things that bombarded each of us, but I’m sharing to say my age didn’t stop me from finding love, and our relationship was really good during the time we were together.

I know quite a few people who have found their husbands and wives in the 30s and 40s and some even older than that, so I say just take this time to enjoy your freedom.  There are so many benefits to being single that I think get overlooked because society in general is so pushy about having a relationship, so take this time to really get into some good hobbies, do fun things, etc., while you’re in a period of your life where you really don’t have to worry about anyone else. And I believe you’ll know it when you meet the right person, especially if you’re happy being single and are in no rush to get coupled up. That’s when you can afford to be more choosy so that you DO end up in a relationship with a good match for you so that you may be happy together.

My issue now, as petty as it sounds, is I can’t stop feeling this hatred towards him for lying, and getting away with lying. He’s become the perfect boyfriend, to show everyone that he couldn’t possibly be a liar, and that I am the deranged one. I’m not as shocked by his behaviour as I am about how disgusted I am. I want to go back to a place where his lies- or any of his actions- don’t affect me.

I think your anger/hatred/disgust is justified in this case, as he has definitely done things to deserve that reaction. I’ve learned, though, that it helps to get rid of anger by looking at all of the possible sources.  For instance, I was really mad at my ex for a long time because of the things he did after he ended our relationship, and, like you, I didn’t want to waste the energy on being mad at him and couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t just let it go. So I started digging deeper for other reasons why I may be so angry and realized I was actually more angry with myself. Sometimes we can get mad at ourselves without realizing it when someone makes us feel like a fool or drags us into drama that we don’t want to be involved in, and our anger for the other person can sort of hide this anger we have for ourselves, so if you dig deeper and realize you’re angry with yourself for your part in getting into the drama… and we can even be mad at ourselves for irrational things we couldn’t possibly have known the result of beforehand, like being mad at yourself for ever dating him in the first place… if you figure out exactly what you’re angry about when it comes to your part in things and you can forgive yourself, especially if there is a lesson there you can learn so you don’t find yourself in that situation again if possible… I’ve found that lessens quite a bit of the anger.

The rest of the anger you feel for him will lessen over time. You just have to sort of feel it when it comes and let it pass on through. As time passes, thinking of it will upset you less and less.

As for him and his girlfriend, I would do your best to just detach from them and their situation completely. You did your part in telling her what he did, and I think it was a good thing for you to tell her because she deserved to know, especially since it had been an ongoing thing of him saying he missed you while he was with her. She is the one who then chose to eventually disregard when you said. That will likely blow up in her face later on, and that will be her fault and something she’ll need to come to terms with then. He may be acting perfect now, but he is very clearly not perfect, so he will only be able to keep up the act for so long. Please rest assured of that.

So in order to get back to that place where his lies and actions don’t affect you, cut him (and her) out of your life completely, don’t let them back in, and then just give yourself time to heal, be patient with your feelings, and the anger will eventually dissipate.

I feel like 17 is awful young for people to be shocked that you’ve never been in a relationship, but I also know how people are so it’s not surprising. My niece turned 16 several months ago and just recently got her first boyfriend, and many of her friends have never dated anyone, so you’re really not too far behind. There’s definitely nothing wrong with you for not having dated yet.

Do you feel comfortable talking to new people or do you tend to be shy or not know what to say? Are there a lot of people your age that you haven’t met in your area?

thank you marge, What did you do to ease your emotions and feelings when you went through your break up? I really feel crazy at times like nothing calms me. i dont want to sound weak are crazy but its a awful feeling. i know i need to push forward but going through the process is not easy.

Hi Chantel,

I think you just need to give yourself time. You’re attached to this man and you need to give yourself time to detach… detaching is painful so we tend to want to DO something to feel better immediately. So, like Anita said above, your mind thinks you made the wrong decision because being with him felt better than you feel right now, even though being with him felt bad, too…. BUT… if you give yourself time, as long as you need, to sit with your feelings and let them pass, they WILL pass, and then you’ll feel better than you even did when you were with him.

I understand the fear of being alone, but there are soooo many people out there. You’re bound to meet a good one who will give you a full relationship rather than a secret one, if that’s what you want. I really think you’ll feel better over time, it’s just not something you can really rush. It will also come in waves, where you feel bad and then good and then bad again, and then good again… but the bad waves become fewer and farther between, and if you expect them to come at some point, it doesn’t feel so bad when they do.

In the meantime, focus on doing things you know you enjoy and that make you feel happy. Do you like doing any arts? Crafts? Going to music shows or plays? Lots of times those things have huge therapeutic value and aid a ton in feeling better.