Hi Yarina,

I don’t think he’s playing with you. I do think it sounds like this man is emotionally unavailable but it’s likely because of fear. He’s afraid of being hurt again. He is one that is going to have to probably move at a snaaaiiillls pace, which means he is going to have to find someone who is comfortable moving that slow, and it doesn’t sound like you are. You are also expecting him to show certain feelings and do certain gestures fairly early on, so you seem to want to move at a faster (and possibly more regular) pace, which is completely understandable, but it means you two aren’t a match.  Neither one of you are wrong, you’re just different. Some people have to start off as a friendly relationship that builds as intimacy grows, so he will be able to develop feelings, but it’s going to take some time for him and he’s not going to be able to fall into romantic gestures and anything beyond casual until he’s really ready for that, so you stating your feelings of him not doing that probably did make him back off a bit because that stuff is scary for him in new relationships, even if he won’t even admit that to himself.

In other words, he’s not a bad guy for not being able to open up. He’s been hurt and he’s likely afraid of getting close to someone only to end up feeling that again. Think of it as fear of intimacy and fear of abandonment… it takes people a long time to open up and REALLY let someone in when they have those fears. You’ve already told him you can’t handle that baggage, which likely closed him off to you more, and I think you’re right in that you want to move faster than he does and you don’t like how slow he’s moving, so I think it’s a good idea to just move on and find someone who maybe doesn’t have such strong fears in these areas and will move as fast as you’d like to. That’d be a better match for you.  This doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you or him or that one of you didn’t care, you just don’t match up on the relationship progress speed.

Maybe she is just feeling like all of her children are going off and starting their own lives, and she is worried they will forget about her, (which obviously would never happen). I’m just going to try to keep that in mind when I see her, and try not to take it so personally…

I can toootally see that being the problem here. My kids are 8 and 14, and with my 14-year-old, I recently had to let go of the “little girl” aspects and the expectations that come with that and sort of recognize her transition into becoming a young lady and all of the changes that come with that, and that alone was a hard transition for me. It really is hard to let go and let them have more independence. I can’t imagine how I’m going to feel when both kids grow up and start moving on with their own families. I think changes can be hard on parents as you kind of have this natural want to hold onto them as being your babies and always having them there, and there’s this fear there, like you said, that they’ll just move on and forget about you… even though that’s usually an irrational fear. The thought of him not coming to Thanksgiving after having him there every year and that being one more change probably just sent her over the edge for a bit. I do hope she apologizes to you guys, though, as she was definitely harsh and I can see why her words upset you, but she might not realize where her feelings are coming from either.

I hope you enjoy your holidays!

Yeah, it sounds like it’s an ego thing for her. You may have dodged a bullet by not being with her, and she may have done you a favor, even though it didn’t seem like it at the time. She seems immature and egotistical, needing attention on her and getting upset when it’s directed toward someone else, even when you aren’t together and that attention is directed toward the person you ARE with. It’s so extremely selfish for her to seemingly prefer you (or her ex-husband) be alone than with someone else, especially when SHE did the dumping, don’t you think?

I think you’re always going to feel for her. You had a connection and that doesn’t really turn off, but at least you’re starting to be able to see her with better clarity now. Just because a strong connection is there doesn’t mean it’s right. Just take from this that you can FEEL that type of connection, but she’s not the only one you can feel that with.

So in the meantime, just keep trying to allow yourself to detach. I think that’s the hardest part. A big part of us WANTS to detach and move on, but with connections like that, an even bigger part of us wants to hold on because it felt so good and there’s a fear that we’ll never find that again. You have to just get yourself to allow that shift, of making the part of you that wants to detach and move on stronger than the part of you that wants to hold on. Allow the desire to detach to come through… every time you feel it, like you’re ready to let go… resonate with it, allow it, and let that desire go stronger. Reinforce it in your mind as the right and most beneficial decision for you.  Then when you feel the need to hold on, acknowledge those thoughts without trying to fight them, but then let them go. Picture them in a boat, traveling down the river… oh, there are those thoughts again, floating past in their boat, and there they go down the river, and you unemotionally let them pass. I think that’s the key.

She’s an amazing woman, in the process of getting her degree and building a successful career and and he’s a blue collar worker but unemployed at the moment. He’s also somewhat of a party guy that drinks a lot.

I told her that I’ll be happy as long as she is but I can’t really be happy for her as I think she’ll have to deal with a lot of challenges (raising the child, putting a wait on her career development, being attached to this guy forever, maybe being a single mom and so on).

Hi Marge!

I singled out a couple quotes from your post because those are what I want to touch on specifically. I think it’s okay to be happy for your friend, because she is going to be fine, either way.  You say she’s amazing, in the process of getting her degree (so she’s smart) and building her career (resourceful, driven), which are all great qualities that will help her raise her child, even as a single mom who may have to co-parent with a not-so-great guy.

I say she will be fine because I’m in the situation you are worried about your friend being in, and my kids make it so worth it. I started into school right after I got pregnant with my daughter, continued on through school and began and built a career, all while being a single parent (the father left me when I was pregnant and wasn’t involved at all during the first year). Meanwhile, people told me I’d never make it, they told me I wouldn’t be able to finish school (which I did), wouldn’t be able to buy my own home (which I have), etc. Yes, it’s not easy and sometimes it requires accepting help from others (like friends or grandparents who are dying to babysit), but it’s definitely doable, she’ll still be able to achieve her goals as long as she still wants to, and it isn’t going to ruin her life, especially if she’s smart, driven, and resourceful. A baby to love will likely enrich her life, especially since it’s wanted. If this is her first child, she’s about to feel a love she didn’t know existed, and that’s awesome.

As for the guy…. just let that ride for now since there isn’t much you can do. It’s likely her hormones that are making her feel super in love with him, and those will wear off after the pregnancy. Hopefully, he either gets himself together once the baby gets here (sometimes things like that can wake people up and make them want to change for the better) or if he doesn’t get his act together, hopefully she will recognize the red flags and leave, just as she would without having a child with him. Just because you have a child with someone doesn’t mean you should stay with them, and I can tell you that I am SO. GLAD. I didn’t end up staying with my daughter’s father. He was not a good partner to me, and we get along much better apart. Sometimes it’s not the right decision to stay together for the kids, and that’s okay, too.

So anyway… your job as her friend is to just be supportive of the baby (you don’t have to be supportive of the guy… I would just redirect conversation away from him when she talks about him for now)… be happy WITH her… don’t talk about how hard this is going to make her life (because it’ll just make her resent you, it won’t change her mind, and the worries may not actually end up being a problem at all)… and just enjoy this experience with her. She may be backing off because she doesn’t feel supported, doesn’t want to be around people who aren’t happy for her or who might talk negatively about the situation, and pregnancy is a time when you definitely want support of people who are happy and excited right along with you and who will make it a fun experience. Go shopping for baby clothes! <3 haha

• This reply was modified 5 years ago by Valora.

 he’s said it was pure strange & weird and feels pure awkward being friendly with me now. I asked what he wants to do and he said he doesn’t know but he won’t be rushing for a night out with me and he doesn’t need this right now.

I think you should just take what he’s said here to heart and leave him alone completely until he contacts you. If he never contacts you, consider it a friendship that has ran its course.  I read above that this is a different guy  from last time, so it just seems like you get really attached to people, so that might be something for you to work on about yourself: allowing people to come and go from your life without getting too upset when the friendship has run its course and they move on.  I’ve had many friendships that come and go and come back again later and then go again and come back and some that stay gone, and that’s just sort of what happens with adult friendships and even romantic relationships.  You have to learn to be okay with going with the flow of relationships because when you try to hold on, it pushes people away and decreases the chance that they’ll ever come back again, and some people really are just meant to be temporary friends.

It’s eating you alive because you’re overthinking it. It doesn’t matter if she hated her 2 years ago. People change. Some of my best friends are people I did not get along with well at all in the past but when people grow, that allows them to get along better in the future. They likely just reconnected somehow, maybe ran into each other somewhere, and started talking again and realized they get along better now.  Like I said before, just think of it as a stepping stone. You could ask your friend’s wife about it to see how they started being FB friends but I wouldn’t “confront” her.

And yes, I do know how bad you want to see your ex’s FB page. I’ve thought many times about looking at my ex’s, wondering if seeing him with someone else would help me move on 100%, but it’s a bad idea for me. I know that it wouldn’t do anything for me because my ex was lovey dovey with me right up until he broke up with me, so his show of affection means nothing of his feelings for whatever relationship he’s in and that wouldn’t prove anything to me, and if he’s single, I’d wonder why he never started talking to me again. So nothing good will come of me looking, but if you think it will help you by seeing that stuff and that you won’t dwell on it by constantly wondering why she does that stuff with him and didn’t with you, then go for it. BUT if you DO look and then you start overthinking and dwelling more, that’s an obvious sign to never look again.

It’s possible you were a rebound with the lack of lovey dovey posts for you, especially if she’s done that with her current boyfriend. Literally everyone enters relationships because they are finding something they need in that relationship. If that relationship is only filling a temporary need (like a bandaid for feelings or a distraction), then they no longer feel a need to be in that relationship once that need has passed (i.e., they are feeling better about whatever they were upset about before). You may be still hooked on your ex because she filled a need in you that you now need to figure out how to fill for yourself.  This is why I think you’ll feel better about that whole situation once you start really getting into taking care of yourself and doing things you enjoy. Right now, everything about your recent situation is still reminding you of your breakup with her, but that stuff will get better too as long as you cut contact with your recent ex. Give it time.

 And honestly if she was to come back to me, i would have a hard time standing up for myself.  She really is my kryptonite.

This means she’s toxic to you. I hope you know that.  That’s probably why you aren’t together.

Anita, I LOVE that analogy. It’s a great visual, and it really is true for a lot of people who feel overwhelmed. With that kind of analogy, you can see why relationships are often the first thing to go in those cases, because often they’re the easiest thing to let go of compared to the other “rocks.”