Katrina,

I just recently went through an identical situation with my boyfriend of 9 months. The whole situation has turned into a complete mess now, but that’s besides the point.

Do not take this the wrong way…but the age gap could be a part of the problem. You have just begun your 20’s–a time where young adults begin to figure out their aspirations and life goals. You may find yourself wanting independence and trying to figure yourself out. The man that you have been dating is already in a completely different phase of his life now; he’s already accomplished his 20’s and went through all of that. He’s going to want to settle down, meanwhile, you’re still trying to “live it up”, for a lack of a better word. That could definitely become a conflict in the relationship.

I also know that sometimes when you break up with someone you love (like I did), you question if you did the right thing because you still love them and have feelings for them. Do not let this distract you from your decision to end things with him. You broke up with him because you did not feel the same way. Why get back and put him through more torture when you know it’s not mutual? I know oftentimes it can hurt ourselves when we hurt someone else, and breakups generally do cause one or two of the parties some emotional pain, but he will eventually move on from that pain when there is space between you with limited to no contact. If you felt in your heart that breaking up with him was the right thing to do, continue to follow that gut feeling because you will have other people/things try to persuade you otherwise.

Good luck sweetie, I know you will do the right thing for your own happiness.

I think writing to her mother is a wonderful idea, honestly. You have nothing to lose by doing so. I’ve always felt strongly about expressing my gratitude to the people I love; you never know…they may be here one day and gone the next. It’s slightly pessimistic to view it that way but it conditions you to not take anyone for granted.

Anyway, you have a great opportunity to write to her and I would take advantage of it. I think she’ll be extremely happy to hear from you and it shows that you are a mature and thoughtful being for wishing happiness and good health upon the family. There’s no need to address the breakup or the guilt you feel–deep down they know you mean well.

You will feel a great weight lifted off of your chest once you do this, I can assure you. Unspoken words have a way of gnawing at us until we voice them. And then suddenly…we feel light again. We feel rejuvenated and refreshed. I say go for it!

Best of luck 🙂

It’s perfectly normal to linger on after a breakup, have your thoughts consumed by your ex and cling onto whatever last shred of hope there is. Is it healthy? No, I wouldn’t say so, particularly if it becomes an unhealthy obsession. But this is a part of grieving, and sometimes this process can take awhile. Embrace this pain (I know that sounds a little weird), but you have every right to feel the way that you do. A lot of times when we go through emotional pain, we do anything we can to avoid it and that doesn’t allow us to fully heal the proper way. Take all the time you need to get him out of your system; whether it be crying, eating chocolate, venting to friends. It seriously helps when we can understand and feel this pain but acknowledge that it’s only temporary. When we feel emotionally and mentally stable again, that is when we learn to let go.

Start doing yoga or meditation. This fosters mindfulness and helps us become in tune with our soul and inner needs. You’ll find that the things you were stressing about over your ex are becoming more insignificant as time goes by. Or perhaps write in a journal each day and thoroughly explain the emotions you are going through…write it all down and don’t skip a detail! While spending time with these journal entries, consider writing what you are grateful for, or what made you happy/smile that day. This will shift your attention to a more positive outlook on things.

In the end, time is your only solution to moving on. Trust the journey you are going through and the emotional pain you are going through, and you will come out of it as a more evolved person who grew through the pain rather than avoiding it.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Kelsi.

If you feel that a psychologist would help, there is no shame in looking for one and making appointments. I do agree that we become stronger and grow more as humans when we can overcome our adversities on our own, but there is never shame in seeking help from others if you get stuck.

When we are with someone we love and adore and someone that makes us happy, we have natural chemicals released in the body such as dopamine and serotonin, along with others. It gives us this natural high and of course with any high we feel, it can become addicting and delicious. So maybe looking back onto his profile releases some of these chemicals you have been familiarized with when you were with him. And maybe in some ways, you don’t want that feeling to go away.

Ultimately you are in control of your happiness and you have to realize this. Your friends and family are there to comfort you, but they can’t make your decisions for you. You are the only one who can decide whether this habit of yours is benefiting you or not (which you’ve made it clear that you do not wish to continue what you’ve been doing because you feel you are wasting your life). So now you need to find ways to overcome this, with or without help.

Also, did you find closure with your ex when you two broke up? Because often times we obsess over finding answers and clarity when a relationship ends unexpectedly. Maybe what you need is closure? Just tossing some ideas out there.

Hi Cyd,

I’ve been in your position on more than one occasion; I just recently dealt with having to let someone go (and still in the process) because they could not reciprocate mutual feelings & desires.

These experiences have taught me to walk away. I feel that holding on to something so tightly can actually make you lose grip of it all together. If you are truly meant to be with someone, both individuals would make an effort to grow and learn together. You can certainly wait and see how everything turns out in the end, but by doing so you are also missing out on other opportunities (other women) right in front of you.

If someone can not see your worth and value and all that you have to offer, that is about the time you should walk away. It’s okay to remain as friends with a platonic relationship as long as it doesn’t hurt you by remaining in contact with her, but if she does not wish to have an intimate or romantic relationship, respect her wishes.

You deserve to be as happy as anyone else so go out there and keep looking!

The only reason I say this is because in my past I was infatuated with this guy who just couldn’t see us together after awhile. I held onto hope, thinking maybe we could have another chance in the future. He ended up dating someone for 3 years after me, and within that 3 year span I was desperate for his affection and love again. I wanted to be with him so badly because I had this illusion that some day we would get together again. Expectations are not good to hold onto. Sometimes you need to be realistic.

But who knows, maybe somewhere down the road she will change her mind about you and fate will bring you two together. But for now, focus on other things, getting to know other women, and just be content with yourself and life!

Hi Zoey,

I’m actually very happy that I came across your post as I just experienced a very similar situation of my own a few months back. Let me give you my story first & provide you with a different perspective and insight.

I’m a soon-to-be 21 year old college student who happened to meet a very charming 24 year old around a time that I probably was better off staying off the market. I went to a school 2 1/2 hours away from home, but made the decision to transfer back home a few months before I met this wonderful guy. He lived about 30-45 minutes away from my school so we lived in different towns, but the distance was not too terrible as I had my car with me and could easily find ways to see him. And that was my problem…I made too much of an effort to see him by driving back and forth to his apartment from my school; he never once came to see me. He was aware that I would not be living around that area much longer, but I felt blinded by the emotions I was feeling towards him and ignored the fact that if we became serious, our relationship was inevitably going to be long distance and probably more stressful. I felt that I was more emotionally invested in him, and it appeared that I was because he told me before school ended that he didn’t want anything serious (even though he gave me mixed signals and the impression that he wanted the same thing as me). That week when I moved back home I felt heart broken, hung up on him and wondering if I made all the wrong moves in trying too hard to gain his affection. It too made me feel very insecure about myself, almost as if I wasn’t worth holding onto or keeping. I made it obvious that I cared deeply about him, but it just somehow never felt like we were on the same page. There were days where he was attentive and was interested in how I was doing, and other days he was so distant (emotionally and literally physically). But I have to tell you, the 3-4 months that we saw each other, I ALWAYS had a gut feeling that what we had was wrong. And I ignored it.

Have you ever heard the quote, “Never chase love, affection or attention. If it isn’t given freely by another person, it isn’t worth having”?

That’s basically the moral of both of our stories, and for many others out there who care & love just a little bit more than the other person. If someone wants to be with you, they will surely show you and they will make the effort and time to be with you. It is unfortunate that you met him around a time that he wouldn’t be around to foster any type of relationship with you, but you know what? It’s probably for the best. I think as humans we’re prone to following what our minds tell us and ignore what our heart is warning us. When a person starts to distance themselves from you, it’s usually a good indicator that they are losing interest or are just emotionally unavailable. But this does not make them a bad person (so long as they don’t lead you on or hurt you). And it also does not make you undesirable, either.

I completely empathize and understand how you are feeling. You probably feel vulnerable right now that you opened yourself up to the idea of seeing where things could go with him, and then he turns around and gives you the exact opposite of what you wanted. And now you are wondering where things went wrong, how you could have fixed it or if you should’ve just steered clear of him. You tried your best and that is all that matters in the long run. I also think that you are a very smart girl for taking the initiative to stop talking to him after you came to the realization that you were beginning to do all the chasing. Many people do not when to stop themselves from getting hurt and usually by then, it’s too late.

The biggest point that I want to make is that you are worthy of love, and affection. I have no doubt that you will find the right man willing to give you that. I think everything happens for a reason so I truly feel that what you experienced with this guy was a lesson. It teaches you to never go out of your way for someone who won’t do the same for you. I would advice to focus on loving yourself first (many people lack in this area, I being one of them). That’s usually where our biggest insecurities come from and affect our relationships with others. Only after you learn to love yourself, will you be able to love someone equally. It also helps us and teaches us about self-respect; knowing when to walk away from someone or something that isn’t going to help you grow as a person.

It will get better, as it always does but sitting around and constantly thinking about him will only make it worse. Find things you enjoy doing, read a book, hang out with friends, etc. You can vent about your situation with others as long as it doesn’t become an obsession. I believe that we are all entitled to a grieving period, but at some point we do need to accept that things no longer can be and then we move on.

You are a beautiful, intelligent woman who only deserves the best and you should never settle for less. It’s completely cliche, but it’s also so undeniably true. Demand for the respect and love that you deserve. Things get better.

I promise.

Much love!

• This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Kelsi.