Dear Tom:

Thanks for asking! I’m doing well, and I hope you are too.

I’m glad to hear you’ve settled back in at work. It’s great that you’re using journaling, gratitude, and the Calm app to maintain a positive perspective.

You’re in a difficult position, weighing the financial benefits of the job against your long-term happiness and well-being. It’s understandable to have mixed feelings about staying in a role that doesn’t feel like the right fit for you in the long run.

I think that it’d be beneficial to give more space to your feelings of discontent at work, meaning, to express these feelings, rather than suppress them: this can help prevent these feelings from building up and becoming overwhelming over time. Whether it’s through talking with a trusted friend, therapist, and/ or continuing to journal here, on your thread or elsewhere, continuing to express your feelings and thoughts on the matter can provide relief and clarity.

Your well-being is incredibly important, and finding healthy ways to express your feelings can make a significant difference.

Take care, anita

Hi Peter

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and the quote! You certainly read a lot of interesting books. Journals are fascinating, like a time capsule.

It is so true, sometimes you have to go through the pain to get to the other side.

I’m not sure what kind of feedback you are looking for, since it seems like you have an idea of types of feedback you don’t want? I don’t want to say the wrong thing.

I keep journals too, just the notes app on my phone really. But I tend to delete them after a time. The earliest entry I can find is 2019. Looking back is a reflection of what I was going through at the time.

In some ways I’m the same, in other ways I’m different. Similar pains but a different intensity. I was trying to prove myself. I’m at a different stage in life now. In some ways, I was kinder to myself back then.

As a parent, everything is a rush with very little time for myself. Very little time to feel or think even. Everything is for my son now.

Also, I found an entry where I was telling the stories of all of the amazing people I’ve met that have helped me over the years. I do believe that who we spend time with becomes a part of us. I think it was my way of showing gratitude for everything they’d taught me.

Love, peace and forgiveness! ❤️🙏

Dear Calm Moon:

You are very welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation!

“I feel so drained after family holidays, for example. Because I do so many things to make everyone comfortable that I never sit to breathe. I remember that during university holidays, I came back to studies all exhausted and looking desperate instead of feeling energized after a break. My best friend noticed that and asked whether everything was ok at home. Because I looked really tired and miserable”-

– Isn’t it interesting that your best friend noticed and cared to tell you that you looked tired and miserable, but your family members didn’t notice? It’s a significant and telling contrast.

Seems to me that your family members are so used to you taking on responsibilities and handling things, doing so many things to make everyone comfortable during holidays, never sitting to breathe, that they’ve normalized your stress and exhaustion, seeing it as part of the usual-you.

Also, they may be so preoccupied with their own needs and problems, that they have little to no room to notice or address your struggles. Their focus on themselves makes them less aware of you.

They may see you as the strong caretaker (the leader) who can handle anything, leading them to overlook your need for support and rest. Some family members might be emotionally blind, lacking the emotional awareness or sensitivity to recognize signs of distress in others.

“I guess. I am half introverted and half extroverted. I always thought that because of my introverted side I always wanted to stay alone and not speak. But now I think that’s because unconsciously I felt that it drains my energy”- it’s the energy drain from constant caregiving that makes you seek isolation

I asked you earlier: “By saying that they are supportive, you mean that they thank you for helping them, praising you, saying that they wish good things for you, anything like that?”, and you answered: “Yes, you described how it really is. Also, now I remember how they made comments after celebrating my birthday. After a few days passed, they said that because of my birthday they spent some money, and they were irritated because of that. It hurt me deeply”-

– When you said earlier that your family is supportive, you meant that they thank you for helping and offer praise. These expressions of gratitude are nice, but they do not address your deeper emotional and practical needs. Their verbal praise does not translate into meaningful actions that actually help reduce the load you’ve been carrying.

Genuine emotional support goes beyond praise and would include actively listening to your concerns, offering advice, and being there for you during tough times. Genuine support involves recognizing your needs and actively working to meet them.

Your family’s expressions of thanks and praise are superficial because they don’t result in actual changes that make your life easier. While these words might provide temporary emotional relief, they don’t address the root issues or reduce your responsibilities. Genuine support would involve concrete actions that lighten your load, such as helping with tasks (even if you initially reject their offers to help), providing emotional comfort, and respecting your boundaries (even if you don’t respect those yourself).

Despite the verbal praise, you still carry the same burdens without any real assistance or relief.

After celebrating your birthday, your family made comments about the money they spent, expressing irritation. This reaction suggests a lack of genuine appreciation and support. The irritation expressed by your family hurt you deeply. Your reaction shows that their comments had a significant emotional impact, making you feel unappreciated and burdened.

“What’s strange is they would never do that to their spouses, children, etc.”- this discrepancy in treatment highlights a lack of fairness and recognition of your efforts. The reason is in the principle of Scarcity in social psychology:

The principle of scarcity suggests that people tend to value and notice things that are rare or limited more than those that are abundant or always available. When applied to social interactions and help, this means that when someone frequently offers help, it becomes taken for granted, while occasional help from others stands out and is more appreciated.

Because you have been consistently helpful over many years, your family has become accustomed to your assistance. Your help has become a background constant (like background noise), an expected part of the family dynamic. Over time, the constant availability of your help led to it being taken for granted (from one point on, a person does not notice background noise), they see it as a given.

When your family members, who typically do not contribute as much, offer help or make an effort, it stands out more (like a new sound that wasn’t there before, it is noticeable). The help from others is seen as more valuable because it is less frequent, whereas your constant support is less valued because it is always there. The constant burden without adequate recognition or support contributes to your emotional exhaustion and frustration.

“Sometimes I just want to live in a very remote place and enjoy only my company”- this indicates a strong need to escape from the overwhelming responsibilities and emotional burdens you have been carrying.

“Also, I do not believe that there are men out there who can be stronger than me. I sense how most of them could not provide the emotional support I need, and I will just burden myself with another person”-

– This reflects a deep-seated belief in your own self-reliance and strength which developed from your role as a caretaker. Over time, you adapted to being the emotional and practical backbone of your family. This adaptation required you to develop a strong sense of self-sufficiency, as you couldn’t depend on others for support. As a result, you find it challenging to trust others to provide the emotional support you need.

You fear that entering into a relationship would mean burdening yourself with another person’s needs. This perception is rooted in your experiences of always being the caretaker, leading you to believe that you would end up taking on additional responsibilities in a relationship.

Your identity as a caretaker and leader has contributed to your belief that you are stronger than others, and that others are not strong enough to support you.

“I don’t know how to break those beliefs.”-seeing reality more as it-is than how we prefer to see it is a starting point to meaningful, significant change. I will share a bit about my own experience with my mother as an example:

My mother expressed SO MUCH misery (telling me about her miserable life at length, crying, expressing suicidal ideation, etc.) that I figured- in my young child mind- that I am (or must be) her Rescuer (sounds familiar?). I set myself aside and my focus was: my mother. All I cared about was that she’d be okay. I was deathly afraid that she’d kill herself.

So far, the above, was indeed reality as-is (as it was): she really was miserable.

Here is where I didn’t see reality as-is: I mistakenly thought (part of me thought) that she loved me, as in valuing me as something or someone of value. So, in my mind, I thought that it is possible for me to help her, or for her to be helped by me. Therefore, I kept trying and trying, way into adulthood.

It helped me to finally see reality as-is: as much as I wished she valued me, she didn’t, and therefore, even if it was possible for her to be helped by someone, it couldn’t have been me, because to be helped, a person has to value the helper. When I realized this, I stopped trying to help her, I stopped my Focus on her. At that point, I was able to turn my focus to myself (that was a long process because my emotions were repressed and suppressed and I felt guilty, etc.).

And until recently, I didn’t even know what it meant to value myself. Valuing myself is no longer attached to my role as My Mother’s Rescuer (a role I failed at, a role that was impossible for me to be successful at). Valuing myself is.. difficult for me to explain. Maybe next time.

anita

Dear Agathe

So the honeymoon period has worn off. Love is more than the heady excitement of the initial period.
Grasping & attachment bring suffering & so does aversion.
Stress releases chemicals into your body & brain and these effects can last longer than one thinks, so although the source of your stress has departed, the side effects have not.

So what good qualities does your boyfriend have? Remembering them & having gratitude will help refresh your heart.
Thinking and implementing doing something nice for him without worrying about the outcome.
I am sure the rest of the group will come up with something.
Kind regards
Roberta

Dear Tom:

It’s great to read that you’re still maintaining your gratitude practice and using the Calm app daily, that you’re finding it helpful and that it’s making a positive impact on your well-being.

Having some time off from Christmas Eve until January 2nd sounds like a valuable opportunity to relax and recharge. It’s always good to have a goal to look forward to, and it sounds like a great time to reset and prepare for the new year.

Keep up the fantastic work with your mindfulness practices. Your dedication and positive mindset are truly inspiring!

anita

Dear Danny:

I appreciate you sharing your thoughts on Ryan Holiday and Stoic philosophy. The idea of reminding ourselves of our mortality, or memento mori, is indeed powerful. It’s a reminder to cherish each moment and focus on what truly matters in life.

* memento mori is a  Latin phrase that translates to “remember you must die.” It serves as a reminder of the inevitability of death and encourages people to live their lives with purpose and mindfulness.

I agree that contemplating our mortality isn’t morbid but rather a wake-up call to live intentionally and purposefully. When we realize that life is fragile and finite, it becomes easier to let go of trivial worries and concentrate on our values and goals.

In terms of universal truths, here are a few that I find helpful during difficult times:

Impermanence: Everything in life is temporary. Both good and bad times will pass, and this can bring comfort during challenging moments.

Resilience: Human beings are incredibly resilient. We have the innate ability to adapt and overcome adversity.

Gratitude: Focusing on what we are grateful for, no matter how small, can shift our perspective and bring a sense of peace and contentment.

Connection: We are all connected. Seeking and nurturing relationships with others can provide support and remind us that we are not alone in our struggles.

Other undisputed, universal truths: (1) Change is a constant in the universe, (2) Each individual experiences and interprets the world differently based on their perceptions, beliefs, and past experiences, (3) Every action has a corresponding reaction/ consequence (cause and effect). (4) Free will and Responsibility: humans have the capacity to make choices and are responsible for their actions. (5) Love, compassion, and connection are fundamental human needs. Building meaningful relationships is essential for emotional well-being.

*  The Stoic philosophy, or Stoicism, is an ancient Greek school of thought that teaches the development of self-control and fortitude: the strength of mind that enables a person to endure pain or adversity with courage, encompassing resilience and determination in facing difficult situations.

The 4 Cardinal Virtues of Stoicism are wisdom, courage, justice, and temperance (moderation, self-restraint). These virtues are to guide one’s actions and decisions. Stoics emphasize understanding and accepting what is within our control (our thoughts, actions, and attitudes) and what is not (external events, other people’s actions). By focusing on what we can control and accepting what we cannot, Stoics aim to maintain tranquility and avoid unnecessary suffering.

Stoicism teaches that living in harmony with nature, including human nature, leads to a fulfilling life. Humans are rational beings, and living in accordance with reason is central to Stoic practice. Stoics strive to overcome emotions that can lead to destruction within and without, emotions like anger, fear, and envy, by using reason and reflection, and aim to cultivate positive emotions such as joy, love, and a sense of peace through virtuous living.

Stoicism is not just a theoretical philosophy but a practical guide to living well. Stoics use various practices, such as daily reflections, meditation, and mindful living, to incorporate Stoic principles into their daily lives. The focus on resilience, mindfulness, and ethical living resonates with many seeking personal growth and mental well-being.

Thank you for opening up this discussion, Danny It’s always enlightening to explore how different philosophies can guide us through life’s ups and downs.

Last we talked was on Marc 21 this year. You wrote to me back then: “You are right, my best is rarely good enough, although I do believe I have achieved self satisfaction from my efforts many times. If my best is never good enough, what should I aspire to be each day, if not the best version of myself?“- how are you doing these days, if I may ask, in regard to your sense of self-satisfaction and being your best version? Are the Stoic principles and concepts helpful to you in these regards?

Looking forward to reading more from you, Danny, and to reading others’ thoughts and insights!

anita

Dear Arie:

Thank you for sharing this update with us. It’s completely understandable that you couldn’t respond to each of us individually, but your gratitude means a lot. It’s truly heartwarming to hear that you have a better understanding now and are happy for him.

Your message radiates so much warmth and acceptance. It’s wonderful to hear that you’re supporting him with such an open heart. Knowing that he came out to you and feels much happier is such a positive step. Your pride in his bravery and your unconditional support for him when he meets that special someone speaks volumes about the kind of person you are. It’s beautiful to see that kind of acceptance and love.

anita

Dear Kane:

You are welcome, good to read from you again!

“Removing the gift and abilities I have because of this damnable situation, its maddening”– reads like you feel that your family is stifling your talents and abilities, holding you back, and that is causing you significant distress and frustration.

“I can be so happy, I can even settle for a lesser happiness if I were to leave”– reads like you believe that your current environment/ family is the primary barrier to your happiness, and that leaving your family could lead to happiness.

“What they mean to me despite it all, and my need for a ‘family’ in my life is too much to sacrifice”– you acknowledge the importance of family and the emotional need for familial connections. But this need is preventing you from leaving, despite the negative impact on your well-being.

“I have sacrificed enough”– you express a profound sense of exhaustion and a feeling that you have already given up too much for the sake of connection to your family.

“They had lived unconsciously”–  you perceive your family as living without awareness/ intentionality, accepting societal norms and expectations without question.

“My family has adapted to the lifestyle of being okay with how they are cause they know no better”-you feel that your family has settled into a way of life that they have accepted because they are unaware of better alternatives. There’s a lack of aspiration for improvement.

“My mother knows no better, and can’t do no better, not only out of the little time she has supporting us, but of her energy and ability to”– you acknowledge that your mother is limited by her circumstances. She lacks the knowledge, time, energy, and ability to make significant changes,  due to the demands of supporting the family.

“My siblings are still lost in their search of finding what they want in life”– your siblings are struggling to find their direction and purpose in life. This search is ongoing and unresolved.

“In their search that is hurting those around them, each other, mom, and me”– your siblings’ quest for meaning is causing harm to those around them, including their mother,  their actions and behaviors are negatively affecting family dynamics.

“As they aren’t aware or choose to think enough to be aware enough”– you believe that your siblings either lack self-awareness or choose not to reflect deeply on their actions and their impact on others. This lack of awareness exacerbates the family’s struggles.

You are expressing frustration with your family’s acceptance of their current situation, which you view as stagnant and unaspiring. You recognizes that your mother is overburdened and limited by her circumstances, and your siblings are causing harm in their pursuit of direction due to their lack of self-awareness.

“My nature as a learner and curious kid saved and doomed me… I am so different”– your curiosity and desire to learn were both a source of salvation and suffering, making you different from your family, leading to feelings of isolation and conflict.

“I chose to take it at a conscious level every day”– you made a deliberate decision to live with awareness and intentionality, contrasting with what you see as your family’s unconscious way of living.

“Which was stomped on every day till I got in line like them“- despite your efforts to live consciously, you faced constant pressure and suppression from your family who wanted you to conform to their ways.

“As the damage prevented my wisdom and knowledge to have any effect outside of myself”– the psychological and emotional damage inflicted by your family’s suppression limited your ability to apply your wisdom and knowledge in the world, feeling frustrated about wasted potential, and not being able to make a difference.

You express a common, widespread conflict, a conflicts between Authenticity/ Individual Fulfilment and Conformity/ family Obligations.

How to solve this conflict? First, I suggest the following: identify your core values and shift your loyalty from loyalty to your family to => loyalty to your core values.

Prioritize Principles over Personalities.

Second, decide whether to leave your family. This decision is a deeply personal and complex decision that requires careful consideration. If staying is causing you significant emotional and psychological harm, and preventing you from pursuing your own growth, it might be necessary to leave.

Consider whether there is any possibility for improving the family dynamic through communication and setting boundaries. If efforts to create a healthier environment have been exhausted, leaving might be a viable option.

For the purpose of leaving, if that would be your decision, you’d need to ensure that you have a support network outside the family that can offer emotional and practical assistance during the transition.

If you decides to leave, it’s important to do so thoughtfully and respectfully: (1) Ensure this decision is made with clear understanding and not in the heat of emotion, (2) Have a practical plan in place for where you will go, how you will support yourself, and what steps to take for personal growth and well-being,

(3) Have an open and honest conversation with your family about your decision. Explain your feelings and reasons calmly and respectfully, (4) Acknowledge the positive aspects  of your family, and express gratitude for the support and love you have received. This can help preserve relationships and prevent feelings of animosity, (5) Let your family know what kind of contact you are comfortable with moving forward.

I will close this post with a poem I found online. It’s called: ” A Journey to Be Free

In the heart where dreams reside,                      A spirit waits to soar,

Through shadows dark and wide,                       To find an open door.

The weight of chains unspoken,                          Has held you long in place,

But now your heart, awoken,                               Seeks a new and boundless space.

With courage in your stride,                                And hope within your eyes,

You step beyond the tide,                                     To where your true self lies.

Though the path may twist and wind,               And fear may call you back,

In the strength of heart and mind,                     You’ll stay upon your track.

For in the journey lies your truth,                       In every step you take,

You’ll find the wisdom of your youth,                And dreams that will not break.

So go, with grace and fervor,                               Embrace the light ahead,

For in your quest for freedom,                            A vibrant life is spread.

And know, in every heartbeat,                             You carry all you need,

A spirit strong and steadfast,                               In every word and deed.”

anita

Hi Beni

Please don’t beat yourself up over this. At any point in life we are just trying our best to survive. It is wonderful to hear that you are now in a place emotionally where you want to protect yourself and make healthier choices. That is great progress!

Consistently protecting yourself and making healthy choices will re-establish that trust in yourself.

You are definitely not the only person who has failed themselves. I have too.

It took me years of therapy to learn how to identify abuse and how to develop boundaries and protect myself from people who might hurt me. I started choosing slightly healthier after slightly healthier relationships. Things got a bit healthier each time.

I think that working on our own behaviours is important too.

For my relationship, I have realized that we should not discuss things when we are tired. It causes arguments. And we need to keep stressful conversations to 30 minutes.

In the past, I was probably not ready for a relationship because of my trauma. I put my husband through quite a bit of stress early on in our relationship and I worked hard to eliminate those behaviours.

I am learning about the four horsemen which are difficulties in relationships. Criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. And the healthy behaviours to avoid doing these things. Express a positive need when talking about feelings, practice gratitude, take responsibility and apologize, take a break and self-soothe when upset.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Dear John:

John: “Years ago, I came across a very simple way of living called ‘Gassho’. It is practiced, or more correctly ‘lived by’, most Jodo Shinshu followers; who live in a state gratefulness for what they have“-

– I read that Jodo Shinshu, also known as Shin Buddhism or True Pure Land Buddhism is the most widely practiced branch of Buddhism in Japan and among Japanese ethnic communities worldwide. It is known for its simplicity of practice and emphasis on faith and gratitude.

The Pure Land is considered a celestial realm free from suffering, filled with beautiful landscapes, serene waters, and celestial music. In the Pure Land, beings do not experience the distractions and obstacles found in the human world. The conditions are perfect for meditation, learning, and spiritual development. Beings reborn in the Pure Land have the unique opportunity to attain enlightenment more easily. The Pure Land therefore serves as a stepping stone to Buddhahood.

Amitabha Buddha resides in the Pure Land. His infinite compassion and wisdom are central to the experience of the Pure Land.  Amitabha’s 18th vow, known as the Primal Vow, promises that anyone who sincerely wishes to be reborn in the Pure Land and calls upon his name (Namu Amida Butsu) with faith will be granted rebirth there. This vow is foundational to Jodo Shinshu teachings.

Achieving Buddhahood is considered the ultimate goal in Buddhism. A Buddha has a complete and profound understanding of the true nature of reality, often described as seeing things as they truly are, beyond illusions and misconceptions. A Buddha embodies boundless compassion for all sentient beings, striving to alleviate their suffering. A Buddha has transcended the cycle of birth, death, and rebirth, achieving a state of nirvana where there is no suffering, desire, or attachment. A Buddha adheres to the highest ethical and moral standards, living a life of virtue and integrity. A Buddha often takes on the role of a teacher, sharing the path to enlightenment with others and helping them achieve liberation from suffering.

John: “Without that practice, it’s simply another good idea, a revelation, which will eventually fade from memory, lost in time; as so many revelations have.“-

– thank you, John, for reminding me of revelations I once had regarding Buddhism, revelations that indeed faded from my memory. I need to practice the principles of Buddhism every day.. all day, everywhere, with everyone:

Right Mindfulness (Practicing awareness of thoughts, feelings, and actions), Right Intention (Cultivating intentions of goodwill and harmlessness), Right Speech (Speaking truthfully and kindly), Right Action (Acting ethically: refraining from taking life, from stealing, from harmful speech, speech that deceives or otherwise hurts, unsettles or harms others..).

Again, thank you John and I am glad to read your posts in the forums!

anita

Dear John/ Everyone:

The quotes you offered, John,  on another thread: “Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced”, “Life is NOT about seeking shelter from the storms; life is about learning to dance in the rain”,

Right above: “Gassho… The premise of the practice is that, as humans, we constantly desire: something more, somewhere else, to be with someone else, to be thinking something else, to be someone else, to be feeling something else, to be doing something else. It seems to be our nature, as humans, to be discontent“- very well said, John, if you don’t mind me saying so.

Dear Tom:

You are very welcome and thank you for keeping me posted. On the topic of gratitude (online) : “In the quiet moments of dawn’s early light,  Gratitude whispers, softening the night. With each breath we take and every step we tread, A heart filled with thanks, where happiness is bred.

“In the dance of the leaves on a cool autumn breeze, Or the warmth of the sun through the canopy of trees, Gratitude blooms in the simplest of sights, Turning mundane moments into pure delights”.

anita