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Posts tagged with “expectations”

When “Nothing Is Wrong” Keeps You in the Wrong Life

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“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” ~Carl Jung

I was twenty-eight years old, standing in front of a mirror, reaching for my lipstick.

I couldn’t put it on.

I was engaged. A wedding was ahead of me. The invitations, expectations, and imagined future were already gathering momentum.

Nothing was visibly wrong.

That was the problem.

As I looked at my reflection, I could not find myself inside the life I was preparing to enter.

There had been no betrayal, no dramatic confrontation, and no single moment I could point to and say, “There. That …

Why I Stopped Expecting People to Love Me Like I Love Them

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“Expectation is the root of all heartache.” ~Unknown

I turned forty this year. And I am only now figuring out something I wish someone had told me at twenty.

Most of my pain—the kind that sat in my chest for days, the kind that made me replay conversations at 2 a.m., the kind that made me wonder what was wrong with me—was not really coming from other people.

It was coming from what I expected them to do.

I know. That is not an easy thing to hear. It wasn’t easy for me either.

My Mother Never Knew She Taught

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The Cult of People and What It Means to Be Free

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“Sometimes walking away is the only way to stop walking away from yourself.” ~Unknown

I was between sessions. My TV was on in the background—something I’d half-started watching called The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives on Hulu—as I walked into the kitchen to make myself some lunch.

It’s about a group of Mormon wives who became TikTok famous and got into what they call “soft swing.” In one scene, a young woman argues with her mother, who has a long list of rules about how her daughter should behave. The daughter has been avoiding church, tiptoeing around the threat of …

The Betrayal of Expectations: Coping When Life Doesn’t Go to Plan

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“What will mess you up most in life is the picture in your head of how it is supposed to be.” ~Unknown

I expected to get into college. I expected to have a career after a lot of hard work, and that one day I’d meet a nice man and we would get married. We would buy our first house together and start a family, picking out a crib and the baby’s “going home” outfit and organizing a drawer full of diapers. We’d have more babies and go on vacations and grow old together.

I expected that one day I’d …

Staying Present in a Life That Isn’t What You Expected

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“To live without arriving is to learn how to stay.” ~attributed to the Buddha

For most of my life, I assumed that arriving was the point. Like many people, I believed adulthood would eventually deliver a clear role, a measure of security, and a sense of belonging I could point to and say, This is it. This is who I am. I trusted that if I worked honestly, followed what mattered, and stayed true to my values, that moment would come.

Now, much later, I’m facing the possibility that it never will.

I know I’m not alone in this, even …

From Pain to Peace: How to Grieve and Release Unmet Expectations

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“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ~Rumi

Before 2011, I had heard many spiritual teachers talk about “accepting what is.” It sounded nice in theory, like good mental information to chew on. But it didn’t feel embodied. I understood it intellectually, but I wasn’t living it.

Then I attended a weekend intensive with a teacher I deeply respected, and something in the way he explained it hit deeper. It wasn’t just talk. The essence of his words turned a spiritual idea into something I could start to live.

In that talk, he shared a …

What Happened When I Stopped Saying Yes to Everything

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“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” ~Brené Brown 

I used to believe that if someone was in need and I had the ability to help, it was my duty to step in. Whether it was managing caregiving responsibilities for family, fielding crisis calls from friends, or stepping up at work when no one else would, I said yes without hesitation. For me, helping seemed to be the measure of a “good person.”

But what I didn’t realize is that many of us confuse obligation with responsibility.

Obligation feels …

How to Embrace the Glorious Mess of Everyday Life

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“Embrace the glorious mess that you are.” ~Elizabeth Gilbert

Let’s begin with a simple fact: life is inherently messy. Despite our best efforts to organize, control, and perfect, life has a way of surprising us and tossing our neatly folded plans into disarray. I used to think that if I worked hard enough, if I was good enough, if I did everything right, I could keep the chaos at bay. But life, as it turns out, doesn’t work that way.

My kitchen, for instance, is a testament to the beautiful chaos of daily living. There are dishes in the sink, …

You Can’t Change People

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Why I Give Without Expectations (and Don’t Think It’s a “Toxic Trait”)

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“Some of the kindest souls I know have lived in a world that was not so kind to them. Some of the best human beings I know have been through so much at the hands of others, and they still love deeply, they still care. Sometimes, it’s the people who have been hurt the most who refuse to be hardened in this world, because they would never want to make another person feel the same way they have felt. If that isn’t something to be in awe of, I don’t know what is.” ~Bianca Sparacino  

I recently came across a …

4 Things to Try When You Want Change but Don’t Know What to Do

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“If you get stuck, draw with a different pen. Change your tools; it may free your thinking.” ~Paul Arden

For a year and a half, I could feel a career shift coming. I had worked hard to cultivate a career I loved, but I began feeling disconnected from my work. The meaning I had originally felt from it was no longer there. Each time I started a new project, I felt tired and unmotivated.

At first, I thought it might be burnout. So I took a few weeks off to see if I could reset myself into feeling excited about …

Trust Restored: Why I’m Letting Go of Preconceived Ideas About People

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“The problems around us are only compounding. We will need to rediscover our trust in other people, to restore some of our lost faith—all that’s been shaken out of us in recent years. None of it gets done alone. Little of it will happen if we isolate inside our pockets of sameness, communing only with others who share our exact views, talking more than we listen.” ~Michelle Obama

I’m up at the American River, one of my favorite summertime spots. I have a ritual of floating down it, then hiking back up the hill to my clothes. I love how …

How I Learned the Power of Letting Go After My Father Developed Dementia

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“There is beauty in everything, even in silence and darkness.” ~Helen Keller

When I was eleven years old, I would force myself to stay awake until the wee hours of the morning.

I was severely anorexic at a time when eating disorders were considered an “inconvenience” you brought on yourself. Anorexia was dismissed as a rich, white girl’s disease (although we were certainly not rich)—a disease that was easily curable with a prescription for a chocolate cake.

Although my emaciated body was a dead giveaway of my condition, it was school that noticed the change in me first. My once …

Stop Waiting for Perfection and Fall in Love with Your Life Now

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I know, so cliché, right? I can practically hear your eyes roll. But hear me out.

In a society driven by results, achievements, and ideals of perfection, there is a huge pitfall that I am becoming increasingly aware of—that we can be so focused on trying to achieve our “best life” that life itself could pass us by and we would have missed it. Missed the beauty of just being here.

We’ve all heard the sayings “Slow down and smell the roses” and “Life is a journey, not a destination.” We hear these sayings and pass them off as embroidery …

Unbecoming the Old Me: How I’m Finally Discovering That Life Can Be Fun

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“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.” ~Albert Einstein

I woke up one morning and realized that I had no idea who I was. I realized that over the past thirty-something years I had been everyone but myself.

I was like a chameleon molding into the people that surrounded me. Not wanting to make noise or cause disturbance to others or trigger my own inner wounds.

My goal was being whoever I thought the person around me wanted me to be. To be accepted, loved, and liked by others. I realize …

How I Stopped Feeling Embarrassed and Ashamed of Being Single

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“Be proud of who you are, not ashamed of how someone else sees you.” ~Unknown

“When was your last relationship?” my hairdresser asked as she twisted the curling wand into my freshly blow-dried hair.

“Erm, around two years ago.” I lied.

“Why did you break up?” she asked.

“Oh, he had a lot of issues. It wasn’t really working out.” I lied again.

I had gotten quite good at this, lying to hide my shame over being in my early thirties and never having been in a serious relationship. I had learned to think on my feet; that way, no …

Why I Didn’t Trust Myself to Make Decisions (and What If It’s All Okay?)

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“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” ~Mary Oliver

Lately, I’ve been taking time to think about what I actually want. Not what I “should” want or what other people want for me.

One thing I have learned is that mistakes happen when you choose not to follow your inner guidance system. The problem is that, for many years, I chose not to listen to mine.

Whenever it screamed and pulled at me, desperate to get my attention (“Don’t purchase a car from that shady car dealership! Don’t go out with …

How I’ve Redefined Success Since ‘Failing’ by Traditional Standards

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“Once you choose hope, anything is possible.” ~Christopher Reeve

When I was a child, I wanted to save the world. My mom found me crying in my bedroom one day. She asked what was wrong, and I said, “I haven’t done anything yet!” I couldn’t wait to grow up so I could try to make a difference.

At fourteen, I joined a youth group that supported adults with disabilities. We hosted dances and ran a buddy program. I helped with projects at state institutions and left saddened by the conditions for the residents. I planned to work at a state …

A Gentle Reminder to Anyone Who’s Struggling This Holiday Season

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“It’s okay to want to be alone. It’s okay to take time for yourself.” ~Kate Allan

It’s the holiday season, the most wonderful time of the year, they say, but it’s not for all of us. For those of us coping with the loss of a loved one, family estrangement, loneliness, financial difficulties, or health struggles, the holidays can be one of the hardest times of the year.

For some of us the holidays can feel as if we have been cast out in the cold. As if we are forced to look through a window of a happy, …

The Best Way to Deal with Dissatisfaction (It’s Not What You Think)

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“Trying to change ourselves does not work in the long run because we are resisting our own energy. Self-improvement can have temporary results, but lasting transformation occurs only when we honor ourselves as the source of wisdom and compassion.” ~Pema Chodron, The Places That Scare You

In my late thirties, I was a yoga teacher and an avid practitioner. I lived by myself in a small but beautiful studio apartment in Tel Aviv, Israel, right next to the beach.

Every morning I woke up in my large bed with a majestic white canopy and said a morning prayer. I …