Hello Javier, i read your most recent post, from what im seeing, from this post only, it seems that you have a desire for something > you don’t fulfill it> you get depressed and say whats the point?> you blame yourself,  adding fuel to the fire (im not blaming here, im just stating what i understood)

“My therapists claim that my urge of getting kids, the desire, the deep longing stems from my vulnerable inner child”

Maybe, but i say it doesn’t matter where it came from, the desire won’t change, unless you are curious about the reason, the thing is, all you can know is speculation, if it was from a therapist or yourself, the past, is merely a creation of your mind, you simply can’t capture the full truth, so why bother? I see the efficient way is to work with the current desires, only if you wanna change them, you should dig the reason (if its inside your control, by changing the reason you might be able to change the desire)

“I know this doesn’t make sense”

It make sense, i think i understand.

but I’ve been grieving for my “loss” for decades and the wound will never heal

So even if you fulfill the desire and do exactly what your “inner child” want?

The older I get, the more painful are the longings. I’m scared of living, scared of the passage of time

From my observation, it seems that the longer ones lives with unmet desire, the less care the person gets about such desire.

They say that the most feared things is death and the unknown, funny they never mention how scary life can be.

I’m fading and my memories are fading

I understand, though don’t worry about memories, memories shouldn’t be the main motivation we do things, we should do things because we enjoy them, memories is the extra things, maybe you have them, maybe you don’t, why worry about something so outside of your control?

The distance between myself and my “good old days” and positive memories are increasing with every year that goes by

The good old days that you remember had bad days in between, one thing about remembering is we make it all sound good, when in reality it was mediocre, we can’t capture the true feeling of the past, thus we create a new version of it, a better one because the present is too painful, and then we get twice as sad, because we had “good days”.

The more time passes, the more self-hate, regrets and anger I feel

I wish i could help you Javier, words just isn’t enough, i feel even in reality there would be little to offer.

Maybe the thing that causing anger/regret/self hatred, is a thought, a changable thought, something like “its my falut i don’t have what i need” im not saying to dismiss such thought, just think, “is this Objectively true?”, i will give you an example to help you with this thought.

Person X, had childhood+teenage+adult life+genes, they shaped his life, the result of him, the result sadly was not as expected, the result were bad, now person X blames himself for the result, regret the result, make the result personal, as if the result is him, not something happen to him, one thing though, he blames himself also because of those factors, i believe if i change few things in X  life, and he had the same result, he would feel differently, think differently, and maybe not feeling guilt and shame so much.

Its ok to not satisfy your need, its ok to not do anything, its ok to be “dead”, if you can’t fix a problem, maybe you should accept it…

Dear Javier,

I will be happy even if I can heal 5%, as this situation is unbearable.

This is a good attitude – aim at just a slight relief of your pain, just one tiny step in the right direction.

What I notice is two voices inside of you: one would like to heal and give yourself a chance (I will go back and start from scratch, I need to do it, I want to do it. I am working with myself daily), and the other feels defeated and wants to give up (the wound will never heal… no medication, no treatment is working. I tried ACT, CBT and DBT, but none of them is working.)

I have a tendency to slip every other day

This is likely caused by this internal battle, where you’re swaying between the voice that wants to try, and the other one that wants to give up and believes that nothing can help you. You say you’ve been exposed to sensorimotor psychotherapy and somatic therapy – how did you like it? Do you feel it might be helpful, over time?

Dear Javier,

I am glad that sensorimotor therapy gave you a small hope and a sense of inner peace, even though it was a little overwhelming at first. But your therapists seem to know what they are doing:

The psychiatrists have urged me to be patient, as I need to get a deeper awareness of physical symptoms and sensations and how these relate to my traumas and emotional response.

Acceptance is the first step, and forgiveness the next. There is no quick fix, so I would try everything to heal myself.

This is also very true: self-acceptance is the first precondition for healing. It was Carl Rogers who said: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” So you’re completely right. And self-forgiveness is the next step. I am really glad you’re giving yourself a chance and doing all you can to heal.

I still need to work on getting stuck in my past. Are there any mind activities or books that address that?

One tool is to focus your awareness on the present moment: on your breath and your five senses (there is an exercise to name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste). The goal is to pay attention to the here and  now, while you are repeating to yourself that right now, you are safe. This helps you not to slip so easily into the old trauma. There are many such exercises in the book I mentioned (by Arielle Schwartz) and the accompanying workbook, by the same author.

During my last session, my psychiatrist said I was mourning not only the death of my unborn child but also my own. He was surprised that I could hold so much pain and sorrow for so long time. I’ve been mourning my “death” since my father left my mother and rejected me and my brothers.

That’s interesting. It could be that you were mourning your “death” because your mother was mourning her own “death” after your father abandoned her. Although he was a bully and abused you all, I got the impression that she, due to her own weaknesses, felt lost and devastated when he left. And I can only assume that she transferred this feeling to you. She collapsed and couldn’t properly take care of you, and you collapsed too. That’s why recently when she broke down and started crying, you too were crying uncontrollably with her. You were still that child who felt completely abandoned and helpless, because his mother felt abandoned and helpless too.

He was surprised that I could hold so much pain and sorrow for so long time.

Because it’s probably not just your own pain and sorrow, but your mother’s too. On top of that, you’re blaming yourself for your mother’s misery, when it wasn’t your fault at all.

Dear Javier,

Is having kids the ultimate goal of life? Will they fulfil my needs and emptiness?

No, I don’t think it’s the ultimate goal of life. I myself don’t have children, due to various circumstances, but mostly because for a long time I didn’t feel ready to be a mother (because my upbringing left me incapacitated and with very low self-esteem and no self-love). Due to all that, I didn’t have a desire to have a child, and I still don’t. But I don’t feel less worthy because of that, or that my life doesn’t have a meaning. In any case, I don’t believe having children is the ultimate goal of life, although for many people it’s incredibly rewarding and gives meaning and purpose to their lives. It’s very individual.

What’s for sure is that children cannot fulfill our needs – it is the parents who need to fulfill the children’s needs, not vice versa. If you feel empty, you won’t have anything to give to your children either. If you feel depressed, your children will be depressed too. They may spend their whole lives trying to cheer you up and then feel bad about themselves for never succeeding. And so on.

If you have children to feel better about yourself, it’s a lost case from the start and will also have a bad effect on your children. If we use children for our own unmet needs, we will see them as functions, instead of unique individuals that they really are.