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May 20, 2021 at 10:15 am #380123
TeeParticipantDear Javier,
I am glad you posted. It’s better to express yourself, even if all you feel is pain. It’s hard for you, I know. But you know what I noticed as a positive moment in this recent experience of yours? That you could gather some strength to walk. Because it was only recently that you couldn’t even make 2 steps. Now you could walk for a while. I see that as progress, and something to be grateful for. It was one bright thing in the darkness and despair that you felt.
I know it can’t bring back your smile, but it’s still a big thing. Try to see it as something positive. And next time you walk, try to walk some more, only not up the suicide hill, but to the opposite direction, to the Tree of Life. Is there’s something that symbolizes New Life for you? Is there a place that makes you feel good? If there’s such a place in your vicinity, go there, walk there if you can. Would you be up for something like that?
As for having a bipolar or borderline personality disorder, what makes you think that? Bipolar is characterized by alternating episodes of mania and depression. For borderline, I know that those who suffer from it can have very black-and-white thinking, sort of “If you’re not with me, you’re against me”, they make enemies easily, and can be paranoid too.
When you say suicide watch – how does it look like? Do you mean they might keep you in hospital and force you to take antidepressants?
May 20, 2021 at 10:37 am #380125
Sarah Jeanne BrowneParticipantDear Javier,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It does sound like you are having suicidal ideations and need to ask for help though, even if you fear the outcome. If you fear being put on watch, just say you are having ideations without intent. You are feeling depressed. You need to reach out to a therapist or crisis. They can talk you through your feelings and you can decide together what to do about it.
I wish I could tell you everything is going to be okay. The truth is none of us know that. I don’t have any answers. I know my life has been full of twists and turns and mostly hardships. Yet somehow… I am happy. I am happy because I did good along the way. I am happy because I lived for the right reasons. I am happy happy that I got to experience life at all- just being alive itself is a gift not to waste.
There will be times throughout your life where you want to give up. I understand you’re there now. You’re doing the right thing by talking to us, but please contact a professional. There’s no shame in needing help. I urge you to do this because you’re losing control of yourself. You can do this. Our support is with you. Ask for help.
You can spend your life hating yourself or you can open yourself up to the good inside you. Love yourself through this. Love yourself through the mistakes and hard moments. Love yourself even when you are tempted to quit. Love yourself. It’s the bravest thing you can do and it is not a remedy that all will pursue. But it’s worth it. Love yourself.
Self-compassion exercises are on Kristin Neff’s website or you can look them up on Youtube.
This is my favorite meditation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZEdkZsaUQ8
Stay with us. Stay here. Don’t leave us. You matter. Your story matters. Ask for help. Tell someone. It’s time to reach out for help. Don’t give up on yourself. We won’t either.
You are loved. You are worth it. You are enough. You are good. You are meant to be here. You have a purpose.
Instead of looking at all the bad in your life (i.e. we have a negativity bias that leads us to do that), start seeing the good. What do you have right now that is working for you? List it out.
And…what are you grateful for? What little things have made you smile lately?
Those are the things we live for. That’s what makes it all worth it.
Stay.
Stay.
Stay.
Ask for help. It’s time to ask for help. You can do this.
May 20, 2021 at 10:25 pm #380144
JavierParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you, I guess it was a step in the right direction. But at the moment, nothing makes sense. I have so many fears and negative thoughts. I’m afraid of the future, afraid of living, afraid of losing my loved ones, afraid of losing my senses. It’s a really awful feeling, I feel useless and a burden to everyone. I have enlisted the help of mental health professional. It’s my last hope. I’m losing my grip. I’m sorry, I’m really sorry for being so negative.
May 20, 2021 at 10:56 pm #380145JavierParticipantDear TeaK,
I want to heal, but I don’t have any strength left. I’m so confused, afraid, and unstable that I’m literally grieving for the loss of the loved ones as if they were actually dead. It feels like I’m living in a thick fog that leaves me feeling empty, exhausted, and entirely unlike myself. I feel detachment, from both my body and my sense of self. I feel alienated from their own reflection, I don’t recognize and feel any connection with myself. I’m so tired and exhausted, but my fears and anxiety, regrets, and remorses are torturing me. I’ve realized that I’m a lost soul, I wish I was never born. I have so much poison in my mind. I’m going to a mental health professional for counseling today. It’s my last hope!
May 20, 2021 at 11:15 pm #380146JavierParticipantDear Sarah,
Thank you for your loving and caring words.
I have tried to ignore my suicidal thoughts for a while, but now they get more intense. I’m struggling every day to find a reason to live. Most of the time, It feels impossible to go on. I can’t see past the pain. I just want the pain to stop, the anguish to go away. I know it’s all in my head. But it feels like the whole world is collapsing on me.
May 20, 2021 at 11:50 pm #380147TeeParticipantDear Javier,
you’re making a very good decision to see a mental health professional, because you do need someone to help you, you can’t pull yourself up by your own bootstraps.
Please know one thing: you’re not a lost soul and you were meant to be born. You got born into a very difficult environment that caused so much damage to you. Now is the time to start repairing that damage. You’re 42, years and years are ahead of you, you can heal the wound and write a new script. You said you would like that. You said “I will and want to do every thing to “wake up” and start living.” Indeed, it is possible to start living again, even after the kind of trauma you’ve been through. So don’t give up hope, seek help, make that first step to your new life.
And let us know how the appointment with the mental health professional went. Wish you luck!
May 21, 2021 at 12:37 am #380148JavierParticipantTeaK,
Every second is painful. I’m conflicted. I get more and more depressed, and the feeling of hopelessness is torturing. To be honest, at the moment, the feeling of ending everything is more tempting than anything else. I’m afraid I will never heal, and relapses are right around the corners. I’m so heartbroken and devastated. This is the worst feeling ever.
May 21, 2021 at 12:44 am #380149TeeParticipantDear Javier,
help is just around the corner. You have nothing to lose to seek help – it can only be better. Give yourself a chance. Trust me and trust all of us here telling you the same: you can heal, just give yourself a chance!
My prayers are with you, Javier. I pray that you get some relief from those dark thoughts, and that you go to your appointment, where it can only be better. Please have faith!
May 21, 2021 at 3:01 am #380153JavierParticipantThank you TeaK,
It’s a battle every day. I fight for survival. I have to come to the terms of not having my own kids, not having my own family, not having anyone of my own to create memories with. Every time I see, hear or get reminded of kids, my heart breaks. It’s the biggest loss in my life. I have to realize that there will be no one at my deathbed. I have to realize that I will be alone, miserable, and forgotten. I wish I could go back in time and change things.
I don’t know what to do if the therapy doesn’t work. I’m so terrified of the unknown. 8th of May was supposed to be the end for me. If it wasn’t for all the support and kind words and guidance from all of you, I wouldn’t be here now. How to bounce back, to “heal” myself seems impossible.
May 21, 2021 at 5:03 am #380155TeeParticipantDear Javier,
I hear you, I know it’s hard. You’re at the lowest point in your life, but remember – it’s always darkest before the dawn! Please trust that the dawn is coming, the first rays of light are going to show up soon for you. Have faith. You’re not an old man, you can still have children of your own, or adopt – there are more ways to be a father or a caretaker for a child. But first, you need to be a father to your own inner child. That’s the child that now needs you more than anything. And if you tend to that child (e.g. with the help of somatic therapy), he will heal and your life will transform before your eyes. Just give it a try.
May 21, 2021 at 5:23 am #380156Sarah Jeanne BrowneParticipantJavier,
It’s very important that you listen to me and really take this in.
If you tell us you have a plan to commit suicide, we HAVE To alert the authorities.
I am praying and hoping it doesn’t come to that but you have to let us know if it does.
Please seek professional help, call a hotline or admit yourself to a psych ward for suicidal feelings. There is not much we can do to save your life except offer emotional support.
It’s okay if you’re put on suicide watch or you take antidepressants or you admit you need help. You need to let these fears go and ask for help. It’s time to ask for help. There can be no playing around. You are losing control.
We are still here for you but I need you to tell someone how you are feeling. A professional. Right now.
May 21, 2021 at 6:30 am #380162JavierParticipantDear Sarah,
I called my neighbor and he’s taking me to the Psych ward. Please pray for me!
May 21, 2021 at 6:45 am #380163TeeParticipantDear Javier,
My prayers and thoughts are with you. Please let us know what’s up when you get the chance.
May 21, 2021 at 8:48 am #380167Sarah Jeanne BrowneParticipantJavier,
I’m proud of you for taking this step.
I am praying for you.
We will be here when you get back!
Sarah
May 31, 2021 at 2:23 am #380747JavierParticipantThis is really hard for me. I have never been so low, never experienced the dark side as I have over the last week. The emptiness, the loneliness, the feeling of being useless, unwanted, and unloved is unbearable to cope with. During my first psychological evaluation/mental health assessment, I felt exposed, excessively guilty, and numb. I have so many demons inside me. The regrets and pain of neglecting my mother, my brothers, my family, and my relatives. The feeling of not being able to redeem for the “lost” time. The unbearable pain of not being able to mend and rebuilt broken hearts and relationships. Not being able to “heal” my mothers pain.
My therapist says I suffer from strong feelings of abandonment, and will often have a sense of being abandoned, hence trigging the fear that I will abandon and lonely. Even in the company of family members, I experience feelings of loneliness. As a result, I will always feel isolated as if I’m were cut off from the rest of the world. I’m struggling with strong codependency, and emotional deprivation.
I have realized, I have always been broken, ever since a young age. No self-esteem, no personality, just a broken record. I have always “run” away from my problems, not being commited to rectify things and hide every time things get messy.
I’m struggling with living in the past, stuck in the past, stuck with only awful feelings and bad memories. I have managed to program my subconscious mind to only think negative things. To keep nagging about the past, not being able to live in the present.
I have no future. No desire, urge, or motivation to even think about the future. My fears and anxieties are rooted deep in my mind.
Now I have distanced myself from my nieces(the only relationship I haven’t neglected). I’m afraid my depression, my negative thoughts, will “infect” them. I’m scared that I won’t be able to be there for them, to protect them, to be in their good and bad days. I want to shield them from everything that can hurt them- I want them to be happy, and never experience the darkness I’m living in.
I apologize for sharing my negative thoughts and feelings. I wish I could give some positive feedback or positive affirmations. I just feel lost, empty, and have no motivation.
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