Dear  Javier,

it’s very good to hear from you! I was thinking about you and how you are…

During my first psychological evaluation/mental health assessment, I felt exposed, excessively guilty, and numb.

Are you referring to this psychological evaluation that happened now? You say your first, so I’m not sure…

My therapist says I suffer from strong feelings of abandonment, and will often have a sense of being abandoned,

Have you shared with them that you’ve suffered from domestic violence?

First of all, I’m proud of you for reaching out for help. Since wed is your follow up, try to find some ways of coping til you get the answers. I had something happen to me today that made me want to give up. I was very drowsy, and it’s been like this for two weeks. I thought I wasn’t eating healthy enough so I kept trying different things. Then I told my mother who said the same thing happens to her a lot. She told me it was sinuses. I took a sinus med and felt all better. The point of this? The whole time my brain was telling me to give up. I was filled with negative thoughts, worries, ruminations and catastrophizing. My own bran was using my fears against me. And it turned out to be fixable.

That’s not unlike your situation. There are solutions, you just don’t see them. One thought that helped me through this time was thinking “I’m just going to be curious about what is happening next.” My brain wanted to just quit. I was done. I was like, I can’t function or live this way so why do it? And it turned out to just be my sinuses! I used this thought of just being curious for how things to resolve themselves to fight back persistent negative thought patterns. It worked.

You don’t have to have all the answers now. I hope you get on Lexapro and if not, they find another med which will work for you. Your evaluation uncovered many helpful things and it’s all coming together! There is a way through this which is to keep going, to just be curious about how things will turn out.

I’ve had suicidal ideations most of my life. I always wanted to just give up. So I know how you feel. I kept going because I wanted to help others. What is your “Why?” Do you feel you have one? You need it to be strong enough to hold onto through this. It could be a dream, a way to help others through similar things, a relationship, a faith or religion…anything that gives you meaning. I recommend the book Man’s Search for Meaning by holocaust survivor, Viktor Frankl. You are not the first to feel despair and hopelessness. So many feel it. But there are people who have written great things about it. He is one of them.

I’ll be praying for you. Please keep telling a professional how you are feeling, and if you are suicidal, call a hotline or go to a psych ward or call local authorities. It’s okay to need help right now. But you’re life isn’t over. You have so much more to give and experience. No one can take that away from you- not your past, not your mind etc. No one can take away the goodness that your life has to offer. You just need to remind what’s worth holding onto.

For journaling, there are many different types. If you are exploring negative feelings, it could bring up trauma. I would self advocate and ask for other journaling methods. Maybe try gratitude journaling. See how that feels.

All my best,

Sarah

Dear Javier,

We are currently trying cognitive processing therapy, and the main focus on acceptance and “letting” go. At the moment, it’s too daunting for me, as I have to relive all memories and all the pain, fears, and insecurities.

I hope cognitive processing therapy helps you. I’ve looked it up and it’s a form of CBT aimed at trauma survivors, including childhood trauma survivors. So it should be fine, although I am a little cautious because you say there’s a lot of talking and reliving of the painful memories, which makes you feel overwhelmed. I still think you’d benefit from somatic therapy, to give you some basic stability and calm down your nervous system (which is in a state of constant excitation – the fire alarm ON all the time).

For my next session, I have been instructed to write a letter to my “inner child” to address all the pain, incidents, and all neglect. To assess each situation, to express all my feelings, and finally let things go.

That’s a good idea to address your inner child. Do you feel you can get in touch with your inner child?

I’m also writing a “letter” to my mother, apologizing for all the hurt and pain I caused her, and asking for her forgiveness.

As I can’t get any sleep, and to keep my mind busy, I’m writing to my siblings, their kids, my relatives, my friends, my ex, and to my unborn child.

How do you feel after writing those letters? Do you feel some relief, or you feel more guilt? I think it would be important that whatever exercise you do, it doesn’t produce more guilt.

Javier,

I’m so proud of you again for getting help. I know it’s tough. But you’re almost through this! You just have to hold on. 🙂 We are here for you. I’m not going anywhere. You can check in as much as you like. I will answer as soon as I can.

Once you get the answers, you can take control of your life. That is the goal. You have that to look forward to.

Try gratitude journaling. It seems too like you have negative thought patterns which you have not yet learned to positively reframed. This is an article I wrote today for Forbes on this very issue: HERE

So you have a why. You want to see what will happen once you get the answers and take control. You want to not cause those you love the suffering of you ending it. But you need to dig a little deeper and find more whys.

Here’s some suggestions:

1) To help others go through what you are going through

2) To advocate for causes related to your issues

3) To find happiness and purpose

4) To know yourself so you can be vulnerable and open in a relationship without leaning too hard on the other person

5) To establish boundaries so you stay safe in your relationships or know when to walk away

6) To love yourself unconditionally. I want you to start working on this one right now.

7) To forgive yourself and others.

8) To follow something bigger than yourself- maybe an organization, cause or even a faith

9) To make meaning out of the mess. Your mess is your message.

10) And to be mindful in the moment. I suggest starting to meditate. Try Insight Timer for free ones.

Can you think of anymore?