I found some journaling prompts for you that are more positive:

33 Prompts to Promote Optimism and Health on Positive Thinking Day

1. What is something that always puts you in a good mood?
2. What is the best way to lift someone else’s spirits?
3. Do you consider yourself to be an optimist? Why or why not?
4. Create a morning mantra for yourself that you could use to start each day off right. Write about what it means to you.
5. Do you believe that setting a good intention for your day can help you have a better day? Why or why not?
6. Imagine your perfect day and write about what it would look like.
7. Write about a time when a situation that seemed bad turned out okay in the end.
8. Make a gratitude list of everything you’re thankful for this week. Then, choose one thing to write about in detail.
9. Who is the most positive person you know? How do you feel when you are around him or her?
10. What are a few small things you could do to have a more positive attitude?
11. What is your favorite thing about yourself? Write about how it impacts your life.
12. Did you know that positive thinking can be good for your physical health? Why do you think this is?
13. What is the nicest thing someone has ever said about you? How did it make you feel?
14. What would you do if your best friend needed to be cheered up?
15. It’s only human to make mistakes! Write about a time when you could have used this reminder.
16. Try to keep a smile on your face for as much of the day as possible. Then, write about your experience.
17. Do you find it easy to express your feelings? Why or why not?
18. What can you do today to make someone else’s day a little better?
19. Make a list of positive “I am…” statements that you can read to yourself when you’re feeling sad.
20. When you’re in a bad mood or feeling tired, do you prefer to be left alone or spend time with others? Why?
21. People say, “Every cloud has a silver lining.” What does this phrase mean to you?
22. What do you like to do to make yourself feel better when you’re feeling down? Why?
23. What inspires you to be a better person? Why?
24. Who can you turn to when you need advice or support? How will that person help you?
25. Does your home feel like a positive environment to you? Why or why not?
26. What is one negative thing you could easily eliminate from your life?
27. Think of one nice thing you can do for a stranger today. Then, write about what you will do.
28. Write about a time when you used positive thinking to reframe a negative situation.
29. Spend a day doing things more slowly. Then, write about your experience and any changes to your mood that you noticed.
30. Think of something that scares you. Then, consider a reason you don’t need to be scared of it and write about your thoughts.
31. What is one healthy habit you could maintain each day that would have a positive effect on your life?
32. People say, “Laughter is the best medicine.” What is something that always makes you laugh?  Does it make you feel better when you are upset?
33. Think of something that has bothered you lately. Do you think you will still care about it in a month?  Or in a year?  Why or why not?

Dear Javier,

I am sorry that the stay in the clinic didn’t seem to have helped much.

How was your medical checkup? And the neurotransmitter measurement? What are the conclusions?

After my last session, I’m stuck in my past. I miss everything and everyone from when I was a kid. My family, my friends, my classmates, my teachers, my relatives, the good times. I miss being young and full of life.

What did you do in the session? It appears you went back to your childhood, but somehow remember it only in positive terms, even though you suffered pretty much as a child. But it seems you remember only the good times, and forget about the bad times, and this exacerbates your sense of loss…

What I think is one of the main problems is that you’re completely identified with the part that is helpless and feels guilty for everything. There are more parts of our personality, but you’re completely identified with that one part. In order for therapy and healing to work, you’d need to “unblend” from that part. You’d need to step back and realize that this helpless and guilty part is not the entirety of who you are. You’d need to access your true self, which is beyond this helpless, guilty part that you’re stuck in.

One quality of our true self is the ability to witness and observe all of our thoughts and feelings, and all of our parts – without judgment. So if you can observe the helpless and guilty part, but not identify with it, that would be an important step in your healing.

One of the ways to develop and strengthen the witnessing part is to stay in the present moment, breathe slowly and follow your breath as it goes in and out of your nostrils – in short, methods used in mindfulness meditation. Would you be willing to explore that more?

Also watch The Secret. I’m watching it too now https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=i7GmSg8vmcg

Dear Javier,

the neurotransmitter examination has basically proven that your stress level is very high, while the “feel good” hormones are very low. It’s good that you’ve been prescribed a medication and a dietary supplement to improve that. What about liver inflammation – will you be getting some medication for that?

I like how you sound in your reply to Sarah – much more positive than before:

But first and foremost, I’m working on myself, because I have felt dead inside for a long while, and it’s unbearable

You have felt dead inside, but it seems you’re open to changing that, to start on the healing journey, step by step.

I need to “heal” myself, I need to conquer all my fears and get rid of my demons. I’m not responsible for my mother’s pain and sorrows, but I can try to ease it.

Just take it slowly, you don’t need to conquer all your fears, at least not immediately. But you can be aware that some of your fears (of dying, of your mother dying) have to do with your childhood trauma, and so as you work on that, your fears will subside too.

Also, as I said, try to “unblend” from the helpless and desperate part (it seems you’ve managed to do it in your last two posts). Whenever your mind wants to go into the old program of “I feel dead inside. I feel useless and full of fears. Nothing makes sense. It’s all my fault.” — tell yourself that this is just one part of you. But it’s not the entirety of who you are. The other part wants to heal and get unstuck, wants to experience more than the dark hole that you’ve suffered from so far. And most importantly – this other part is capable of healing, of filling the dark hole with love, of feeling joy in life again!

We had a “coping” session, where all incidents from my childhood were addressed and all thoughts and feelings were noted down and listed. For each negative incident, I had to note down a positive incident. This session was to remind me that not everything from my past was negative and awful and to remind and feed my subconscious mind with positive memories.

It’s good that you remembered that not everything in your childhood was negative. Last time you posted, you said that because of that session (I believe you meant that one?), you’re stuck in the past and are missing everyone from the past – basically, that remembering good moments from your childhood only caused you more pain. But I hope that was just temporary, and that you can cherish those positive experiences without them causing an even bigger pain. Try to remember the positive experiences as truly positive and be grateful for them, rather than regretting that you’re not young any more, thereby annulling the positive experience and adding it to the negative “bunch”.

By this week, I will start doing breathing exercises and mindfullness.

That’s great. Start gently, don’t force yourself. And please post how it is going, or whenever you feel you need some encouragement. I too am praying and rooting for you.

I am praying for your mother. You can only do so much. If she is suffering mentally, she needs to seek help too. You are not her therapist or caregiver. If it’s true she can’t handle your breakdown, then remember now to have boundaries in discussing it with her. Focusing on yourself will actually ease her suffering. If she sees you doing better, she may feel better too. I don’t mean for you to become codependent, but it sounds like she is codependent on you. release it to God. This is rock bottom but it’s not the end. I praying for you both. Don’t give up. I believe in you both. She just needs time to process everything and life.