Dear Addy:

I am fine, thank you; no special plans for this weekend. “If I just stop permitting my father criticize me. My inner child would be better emotionally?“- yes, definitely (over time, not immediately).

“Isn’t it important who I really listen or to put focus on? e.g. I know I don’t like the criticism of my father, so I simply don’t focus on it and my focus on my things because I know he isn’t right“- yes, it is important what you focus on. You say that you don’t focus on your father’s criticisms… but your father’s voice is still criticizing you outside his presence, robbing you of much needed energy: “There’s this critical negative voice.. Like you haven’t succeeded for this in the past, So you wouldn’t be successful in the future either so it just loses my energy” (Sept 22, 2022).

Your father’s current in-real-life criticism (aka outer critic) is maintaining that critical negative voice (aka inner critic), a critical, negative voice that your father is largely responsible for. If you block the outer critic, it will be the first step to weaken the inner critic.

“He wouldn’t stop sticking to his old thought and values. so why waste that energy?“- He may change his behavior if he understands that there are real-life significant and negative consequences to his behavior. No significant consequences for him= no change. Regarding your energy: your inner critic is causing you to lose your energy (see your own words in the quote, 2nd paragraph). Following the initial and unpleasant expenditure of energy asserting yourself with your father, and following the resulting weakening of the inner critic, you will regain much needed lost energy.

“He’s mostly like do whatever you think is right for you“- do you mean that your father mostly does not criticize you, but from time to time he does? Does he say “do whatever you think is right for you” in a sincere tone or in an insincere, dismissive tone… a slightly angry tone?

anita

Dear Addy:

You are welcome. “How do you even remember this much?” – I often go back and re-read what a member shared days, months and even years earlier. As I re-read, I repeat what I read in my own words. This is how I process information.

“But as I’ve said I’m mostly blocking the outer critics…  I’m trying to be very rational and not just dwell in what everyone’s opinions about me. Because only I know What I’m capable of and What I’ve been through I decide my limits, not other people“- you are doing very well then, congratulations!

“He mostly doesn’t criticize me now. I wouldn’t even say time to time but like rarely. He’s actually saying that in sincere tone. Because he does know I’m doing what I can”– seems like the relationship between you and your father has much improved and … problems resolved. I am pleased, Addy!

anita

Dear Addy/ Ajay:

You are welcome. Since you feel that my insights are helping you immensely, you are welcome to re-read our communication at any time and you are welcome to add to it: whatever you need help with, if I can possibly help, let  me know.

anita

Dear Addy:

I too do some of my better thinking while walking. “My relationship start with me giving good attention”- normal, so far. “I feel so much attracted, I do the extra caring, writing letters and poems, etc.“- normal. “When they finally start to get even closer with me, I just feel.. trapped.. more distant… fear to be committed“- this is common and it is a problem, being that it is a pattern. I can relate. From my experience what it is about (and I will get straight to the core of it) is this: as a child, you grow up trapped with a problematic parent, a parent who you felt close to (at least in the beginning) => as an adult, you feel trapped and distressed once a romantic interest reciprocates your closeness (making the closeness a 2-way thing, and therefore, real).

“What should I do about that?“- start with letting the boy in the photo (other thread) tell you about his experience of growing up trapped. You can type his words here, if you want).

anita

Dear Addy:

“So why putting everything on past childhood traumas to heal instead of trying to recognize our selves now in the present and try to find solution based on the present moment?“- do both, not one or the other; not one instead of the other. Childhood emotional trauma does not go away by itself. Healing needs to be done. Healing includes attending to the present moment: mindfulness (attending to the present moment) is a huge factor in healing. Again, it is both, not one or the other.

But if you believe that you do not need healing from a difficult childhood, and that you can evolve into the person you want to become without looking into your past, please proceed to do so (haven’t you tried already?), and let me/ us know how it works for you!

anita

Dear Addy,

I’d like to chip in and put in my 2 cents. I’ve read through your posts and excellent insights and advice anita gave you.

One thing occurred to me: that you don’t want to change and educate your father and you accept him as he is, however you seem to be trying to change and educate your girlfriends.

About your father, you said (answering to anita’s question):

[anita] Or did you already educate him but he didn’t care to be educated by… whom he perceives to be inferior to him?

[Addy] Okay so I haven’t tried that because I be like He wouldn’t stop sticking to his old thought and values. so why waste that energy?

About your current girlfriend, you said:

Sometimes I also put that pressure to being better on my girlfriend as well eg. for eating, and sleeping healthy by being strict with her. … I feel like sometimes I force them to be better which isn’t good.

She’s mostly complaining that I’m being hard on her. Even though I’m trying to take this patiently.

Whatever I suggest she be like it’s easy to tell, hard to do. Even though I tried being patience she’s just doesn’t want to get out of her comfort zone.

This seems you have certain expectations from your girlfriend and you behave like a strict, demanding parent with her. You say you try to be patient (unlike your father was with you), but still, the tendency is to criticize and try to “improve” the other person. Because you can’t accept them as they are. You need them to be better. Would you say that’s true?

I believe these two dynamics are related: on one hand you’re accepting your father as he is, not trying to fix anything about that relationship. And at the same time, you’re quite strict with your girlfriend, trying to fix her, being critical of her small “imperfections” or certain personality traits…. In short, shifting your focus (and perhaps your anger too?) away from your father and towards your girlfriend, it seems to me.

What do you think?

Dear Addy,

you’re welcome.

“He wouldn’t stop sticking to his old thought and values. so why waste that energy?”
I’ve said that for a reason. like he’s old and grew up in different environment much different than my girlfriends. That’s why I said sticking to old thought and values. and as his kid I can’t tell him how to be improve himself. That’s not in our culture.

I can understand that, and in fact, I don’t think you should try to change your father, because some people don’t want to change (my mother is one of them).

Girlfriends are also friends. and I’m very caring person. so as same age and advising them to improve when they complain about like “uugh I feel so tired I should’ve slept on time last night” is fixing?

It depends on your attitude, i.e. how attached you are to them changing and becoming a “better” person. It seems you are quite attached because you yourself said you’re putting a pressure on her, and she too sees it as you being hard on her. You say you’re “trying to be patient”, but this includes having an expectation that she should change, sooner or later. And since there is not just an expectation, but also pressure that you put on her, that’s not really kind and caring. I think it’s closer to controlling.

Whatever I suggest she be like it’s easy to tell, hard to do.

Maybe she is a complaining type, but doesn’t want to do anything to help herself? Maybe you don’t like her complaining and would like to help her, but in doing that, it seems you take on the role of a strict parent who tells her what to do and how she should improve. You may think you want the best for her, but that’s a slippery slope. I mean, your father also wanted the best for you, at least in theory, but the way he went about it was wrong.

I am not saying you’re like your father – far from that – because you have more patience and seem much more considerate in the way you treat your girlfriend. But even so, I think the urge to change her (instead of changing your attitude towards her, and either accept her as she is or leave her) is still what’s driving you.