Dear Leaagain:

You shared that you deleted your account because, as I understand it, you felt that (1) you felt guilty for ranting and for talking about people (your parents, sister, a friend.. your former bully) behind their backs, (2) you were scared of becoming dependent on me, on other members who replied to you, and/ or on the thread itself, afraid that the people you depend on will leave you, or that the thread you depend on will be taken away from you.

“In regard to the message you left for me on Tuesday, I did not intentionally mean to ignore you, so if that is how it came off I apologize. I will be honest that what you said in that post ‘Dear Lea: You are a hard worker: in the field and in the farm. I do hope that you sleep in this morning‘ made me uncomfortable. I’m not sure why but I felt uncomfortable with the praise I guess” – I appreciate and encourage your honesty. I will not punish your honesty no matter what.

“I am completely devastated, broken and in pain from the loss of my sweet dog and my cow” – I am sorry for your losses: Rosemary and your little coker spaniel.

“And honestly I feel really alone, but I think if in real life I was surrounded by support, ‘friends’, etc it would be even more uncomfortable and ‘isolating’ in a way” – you put quotation marks around friends, as to indicate fake friends, friends who are not real friends.. unreliable, inconsistet friends? If so, then I can understand why you’d feel uncomfortable around fake support by fake friends.

“My honest question Anita is: What could I possibly have done to… my old ‘friends’, my ‘family members’? Because whatever I did must have been pretty bad. Am I missing something? I must be” – I think that what you are missing, in regard to your parents and bullies, is that it is not you who has done something pretty bad to them; it is the other way around, they did something pretty bad to you.

anita

Dear Leaagain:

I am glad that you are back, Lea… Lea Again, I like that. I have to get away from the computer and be back to read and reply in a few hours.

anita

Hi Anita and any other who may read this,It’s Lea again, Just a bit of a thing it’s random but something I’ve always thought about:

I’ve always kinda believed that some people are blessed in different areas of their lives, and because of that blessing are doomed to suck in other areas of their lives forever.

-Some people are blessed with harmonious relationships and a big family with lots of love- but maybe they are unemployed if have trouble at work.

-some people are blessed with an amazing partner who they can rely and depend on. But maybe they don’t have very many skills/gifts or hobbies.

-some might have an extremely successful career and name lots of money but be married to someone they don’t love or never be at home because they work too much.

-some people might have a lot of skills like singing or dance or art but they are doomed to never make a profit off of such skills

-I like to think that I have skills (in addition to having my pets,  training them, taking care of my cows, working, doing school I have a ton of hobbies that I haven’t done in ages) , all through high school and middle school I competitively danced contemporary for years (haven’t had time lately), I also knit, water color paint, play guitar, play the bass, play the drums and I play piano. All of which I like to think I can do quite well.
All of my relationships have been well… s&!t. With everyone in my life, my friendships, my casual coworker relationships suck, etc. I used to try so so hard and it did nothing. I tried everything I tried learning whole skills to get people to like me. (There was a girl who played the bass in my 6th grade class and I learnt the bass just so I could talk to her about it. She ended up not liking me for one reason or another) I tried dressing different, I tried acting different, no matter what ‘part’ I played no one ever stuck around family and friends included. I started ‘playing’ myself again and I made friends. Then they started bullying me (I was fat shamed by one) (and I was completely harassed by another) then they abandoned me. I had my childhood best friend who up out of the blue abandoned me. My grandparents… gone.
i am starting to believe that maybe I was blessed in the skills department and because of that  I’m doomed to forever be alone with my animals skills and eventual success. (I love animals so not the worst issue) but as a kid I always dreamed of falling in love and having a rich close social circle- lol like that’s gonna happen- I used to daydream about it. This concept has kinda proven itself to me over and over in different people too. What do you all think?

Hello Anita!!

Thank you for accepting my apology. No problem! I’d be happy to summarize it was a big long chunk of text anyway haha.
I stated at the start of my post:

“I’ve always kinda believed that some people are blessed in different areas of their lives, and because of that blessing are doomed to suck in other areas of their lives forever.”

I then have a few examples of this, here are two from the post:

“

Some people are blessed with harmonious relationships and a big family with lots of love- but maybe they are unemployed if have trouble at work.

-some people are blessed with an amazing partner who they can rely and depend on. But maybe they don’t have very many skills/gifts or hobbies.”

I then stated how I have several skills and horrible relationships:

My skills part of the post:

”I like to think that I have skills (in addition to having my pets,  training them, taking care of my cows, working, doing school I have a ton of hobbies that I haven’t done in ages) , all through high school and middle school I competitively danced contemporary for years (haven’t had time lately), I also knit, water color paint, play guitar, play the bass, play the drums and I play piano. All of which I like to think I can do quite well.”

my relationships part of the post:

”All of my relationships have been well… s&!t. With everyone in my life, my friendships, my casual coworker relationships suck, etc. I used to try so so hard and it did nothing. I tried everything I tried learning whole skills to get people to like me. (There was a girl who played the bass in my 6th grade class and I learnt the bass just so I could talk to her about it. She ended up not liking me for one reason or another) I tried dressing different, I tried acting different, no matter what ‘part’ I played no one ever stuck around family and friends included. I started ‘playing’ myself again and I made friends. Then they started bullying me (I was fat shamed by one) (and I was completely harassed by another) then they abandoned me. I had my childhood best friend who up out of the blue abandoned me. My grandparents… gone.”

then I stated what I believed:

”i am starting to believe that maybe I was blessed in the skills department and because of that  I’m doomed to forever be alone with my animals skills and eventual success. (I love animals so not the worst issue)”

then lastly I mentioned a childhood fantasy I always had:

”as a kid I always dreamed of falling in love and having a rich close social circle- lol like that’s gonna happen- I used to daydream about it.”

my question kinda was, what do you think of this Anita?
I hope you have a wonderful night.

Thank you Anita for your empathy and kindness, how do you think one would go about learning those skills/overcoming fear of abandonment on their own? Thank you so much, I appreciate you.

Sounds Good Anita, it will be difficult not to thank you all the time haha. I look forward to talking with you more and working on my people skills!! I have another longer post coming later on a few things that I think are intriguing.
have a great day Anita,

Sincerely, Lea

I posted a new thread with this post on it but I wanted to post it here because it’s a really raw honest view of what I’m feeling lately:

Hi, I’m lea, I’m 19, I’m a student, I live with my parents and I have a massive problem. I cannot focus-I don’t have the motivation to pursue my studies. I’m a second year university student and I spent a lot of money to be here. Except I get one assignment done a week and am months behind on my work.

I am excited for my career but right now I’m an undergrad- meaning I don’t get to do the fun stuff for another 2 or so years. I’m pulling out my hair (figuratively) and I just sit here paralyzed. It’s a habit- I don’t sit at my desk until 12 pm (I usually skip breakfast) I’m super slow, it takes me 35 minute to get dressed then another 30 to brush my hair, teeth etc. then like 2 hours to feed my cows and pets. I skip breakfast to save time to do school but then I end up watching YouTube or something then maybe I’ll actually do something uselful at 3 then get distracted then I’ll end up doing nothing anyway. It’s the usual at this point.

it’s a habit- and it’s quite frankly frickin scary. I hate myself everyday for it. I cannot express the hatred I feel towards myself.  I have a part time job, I raise animals, I am paying for my education, I’m trying to do my education, my dog died this week, one of my dear cows died this week (a pet cow), I think I have adhd, I have ocd, I have social anxiety, I have no friends, my family is a mess, my sister bullies me, I have missed deadlines, I’m two months behind on all my work and only have 3 weeks left, I’m figuring out my sexuality, im studying to get my drivers license, I’m volunteering at an animal shelter, I’m trying to read, im breeding and selling cows, I’m dealing with parental pressure, I’m doing chores, I’m taking a language course-  and I’m on the verge of a full on hysterical mental breakdown. I haven’t done anything lately- like ANYTHING- in a month and a half. I’m stuck and devastated about my dog who passed.

I have a music addiction- so I always have headphones on and I end up daydreaming and the daydreaming ends up being more interesting than my school work. I literally haven’t done more than 2 essays in almost a month. I feel lazy, stupid and like garbage- once again I frickin hate myself- yeah I know practice ‘self love’ lol I used to but no one else in my life respects me so why the frick should I? I roll out of bed at nine am after smashing my alarm repeatedly because I can’t sleep at night- I cannot fall asleep, because my mind races all night. I feel so out of control I stay up late thinking about it and I wake up- thinking about it- I get maybe 6 hours a night. Im underwhelmed and overwhelmed at the same time.

Sometimes I just want to end it. if I can’t do anything- like do my god damn school work to get my dream job wtf is the point of even continuing. The only reason I’m still here is because I need to care for my pets. Or I’d be gone already- trust me. I thought about selling my pets to good homes then- you know- but I’m too selfish to sell them because they mean too much to me and I love them. I don’t really want to die but I want to be normal, I don’t want to have all these god damn issues, I don’t want to be unlikeable, I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to sit there and be useless all day. I can’t heal my emotional problems in a day. I can’t.
I have tried every tip in the book to focus. Except therapy because I cannot afford it. Too expensive and my parents don’t believe in therapy. I honestly think I can do a lot in this world but I feel so powerless and stuck. I’m suck on a highway of my own emotional problems. I’m standing in the middle of the highway and I keep getting hit with these cars- and the cars are my emotional problems they keep piling up on top of each other and there’s nothing I can do about them-  without paying someone $300 an hour to tell me I have problems. I wish I could say I’m trying my best but I know I’m just a lazy pathetic butt who just needs to get her self together and do her goddamn work.

I wanted therapy all through high school and middle school- but after reading stories of how long therapy takes to work and how it doesn’t help everyone- I don’t even know if I believe in it anymore.

I used to see the school counselor weekly- for my anxiety-as a 13 year old and it helped me but then one day she told me that in order to make friends I need to find other passions besides my animals. I did- it didn’t help. I learned to play guitar, the bass, the drums, I’ve danced my whole life, I knitted, I did watercolor, I took Spanish, French and Italian and still am. No friends magically appeared after that. Then she told me that I needed to tell my parents to actually take me to a therapist and pay for one. Mom said ‘sure but we’ll have to sell your animals to do that to pay for it’ I said no. My pets are my everything. I told the school counselor what my mom said hoping she’d help me out and she agreed with my mom saying I need to make choices for my wellbeing. Never talked to her again.

I feel so alone. My mom was like ‘don’t be so hard on yourself’ and I was like oh gee thanks. She told me I need to work on controlling my anxiety because it affects my performance under pressure. YEAH MOM THATS WHAT ANXIETY DOES. I told her ‘that’s what therapy helps you do’ but even I know it’s too expensive- and I am NOT giving up my pets to pay for therapy. I’d be even more miserable- every ounce of joy gone- If I had no pets. I have no help- and my moms solution to everything is independence- solve your own problems, it’s your feelings, it’s your choice, FIX IT LEA ITS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. I have no one to help me (except for this forum) , no mentors, no guides, I do online school (I teach myself all my subjects I don’t even have teachers) because my sister has health issues that make her very susceptible to COVID. I have no one to even talk to, or rant to, I didn’t have any ‘friends’ to text when my dog passed away, I didn’t have anyone to tell about how great she was or how much I loved her. My family is seemingly over it, ‘she wouldn’t want you to be sad’ ugh f**k me. I am sad but I am not really allowed to be sad because it makes my poor little sister sad.

I have so many problems and none of them seem like anything I can fix or control. I feel completely powerless. I mean come on what kind of pathetic loser can’t even make themselves do their schoolwork?- something they are supposed to be passionate about and have been for their entire life until this point. It genuinely is the most pathetic situation ever. Once again I hate myself.

today I had been horrible. I am in withering muscle pain. My neck is so cramped I can’t turn my head, my back is so tight I have to walk like crippled up or it hurts. my hands have been shaking all day. I have a screaming headache, I’m exhausted and I haven’t done a single f***king thing today of use. Not a single thing- except feed my pets.

I’m stuck, I’m paralyzed, I’m fed up, I’m loosing hope for my sanity and I’m so close to my breaking point. One of these days I am going to snap and every little piece of composure I gave is going to be gone, My perfect little spool of emotions is going to come undone, my perfectly packed box is going to explode. I know with certainty I won’t hurt myself or end it- I promise. Sooner or later I am going to frickin loose it.

Hugs Lea.  I hope your day gets better. Give lots of hugs to your dogs and vows.  They give us a type of unconditional love and acceptance that people just can’t.  I don’t mean that as singling you out.  I mean the opposite. The love of a dog is just so different to love from humans which mostly seems to have a lot of conditions.