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I Feel So Rejected By Men

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  • #393800
    Peter
    Participant

    HoneyBlossom

    Honeyblossom just came into my head not so much because I feel it represents me – more that it is something I like- a flower which sustains life and healing – although I have been told I have honey blonde hair!

    I believe that such things arise from our depths, like dreams, to revival something, a truth, a direction.. about our true Self that we are not yet conscious of or fully integrated.

    You asked about meditation and their is a practice of focusing on breath as you repeat a mantra.

    I tried it using the words honey and blossom and was surprised that the word Honey felt more natural on the inhale while Blossom on the exhale. Breathing in honey, exhaling Blossom…

    Bees make honey by drinking in the nectar of the flowers blossom so one might imagine that the more natural rhythm would be of breathing in blossom and exhaling honey. So what might this seeming opposite, inhaling honey exhaling blossoms point to?

    Perhaps a time for all things, a time to be honey and a time to be the flower, A time to give and a time to receive..  begs the question when does honey give and when does it receive, when does the blossom give when does it receive? The blossom giving of itself to make honey, the honey giving of itself to give the blossom meaning…  The opposites begin to fade, giving and receiving existing together in the same moment.

    Perhaps joined in this paradox the blossom can revel in the joy of being a blossom? (I loved the book ‘A Dogs Purpose’. many mistake all the things the dog does through its many lives as its purpose but the reality was the Dogs’ purpose was being a Dog all the things it did it did because is was it embraced being true to its Dog nature)

    The above is a example of meditation and contemplation on what arises, at least my version of it.  Or perhaps its active imagination.. All good.

    Even that little exercise above left me feeling calmer some how. Perhaps I too could be a blossom? Perhaps that is enough in this moment when the world seems so dark… so I thank you for that.

     

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by Peter.
    #393838
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    Oh Peter, that is beautiful.  Thank you.

    #393839
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    Hugs Anita. The surgeon’s off once called not long ago to say he has been called away for an emergency so they have overbooked me for Wednesday afternoon.  I’m going to head home soon.  Feeling pretty tired from working the weekend. I finished 9.30 this morning. Work was good though. Definitely the best job I have had.

    Maybe sounds trivial, but in trying to have with some grace, I have slightly changed my appearance and way of dressing. The perfumes I was using recently seemed way too heavy so I found a nice scent I have liked for a long time which is much more gentle.  Do you know it?  It is popular and is called MOR and is a blend of rose with a hint of marshmallow and vanilla. Soothing to me.  I’m going to have a long shower when I get home and bought some Dove Vanilla Body Wash.

    I bought some very natural colored eye shadows. I had neglected my skin for these last 2 months, and that and the sadness and not looking after myself aged me many more years than just 2 years.  Not my imagination as my dear friend said  something to me about it months ago.  Im starting to look better now.

    Dog has had x-rays and I’m hoping to find out the results soon.

    Who knows what could h as open in the near future, buttons morning when I woke, I read that Ukranian diplomats will be having discussions with Russian diplomats at the border soon.  I pray for everyone’s safety.

    #393840
    anita
    Participant

    Dear HoneyBlossom:

    Hugs back to you! I can’t imagine a better fragrance than a blend of rose with a hint of marshmallow and vanilla! And a vanilla body wash… vanilla is my favorite.  I was not familiar with MOR until I just googled it and I see that it is an Australian company of beauty and bath products. One of their perfumes is cherry blossom, another is marshmallow, another is Moroccan. I probably came across MOR products but didn’t pay attention to the name. As far as eye shadows, I didn’t apply any for years, nor any makeup other than a concealer at times for a couple of dark spots on my face. I live a country lifestyle, since 2014, far from being a city life. (I was curious to see if there is a perfume with your screen name, and there is one, at least one, Honey Blossom, an Aftelier perfume for men and women).

    Good to read that you are starting to look and feel better, and that your job is the best you ever had!

    You’ll find the results of your dog’s x-rays soon and see your doctor Wednesday. As far as Ukraine, such unnecessary violence and suffering. There really are bad people in the world, many do lots of harm to a few. Other bad people who are in powerful positions harm thousands and millions of people.  Such a shame. I wish we lived in a different world.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.
    #393842
    anita
    Participant

    Dear HoneyBlossom:

    Two hours after my last post to you, I am watching news on the Ukraine/ evil-Putin situation. It is making me sick: how is it possible, in our modern times, that  ONE MAN has  SO MUCH POWER over the lives of  millions. How is it allowed (by whom… no one is in charge over right and wrong, is there) that one person, a corrupt person,  has so much power to destroy?

    anita

    #393846
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I hope you had a nice walk.  It’s 7.30pm here.  I’m very tired right now.

    My dog has pneumonia and vet has prescribed 2 types of antibiotics and an increased dose of his fluid tablets. He has seemed improved this evening, and I have another appointment for him next Monday.  It’s so nice to be back home with them.

    I’m working 12-7pm tomorrow then a day off and travel again to see the surgeon.

    The universe sent me a reminder of something important today. My manager (male) was a telling us that his wife has been repeatedly asking him if She can get a little dog, but he has said no. I was reminded that I don’t have to ask permission for what I want to do in my own home.  I remember too that when I was married, a close friend was a music teacher and wanted to give m e lessons for free.  My husband informed that I wouldn’t be h saving them because he wasn’t going to put up with hearing me practice. I told him how much I wanted to learn. Son was very young at the time and we were living in an iso played community.  Im shocked at myself  that I didn’t just do it.  I seemed to think I needed his permission. Seems bizarre now, but things like that make me grateful to have my own space.

    A few months ago, I bought myself a piano/pianola. I think in the USA, they are sometimes referred to as player pianos.  I have started slowly collecting rolls.  I have an Elton John song, Peter Allen and my favourite – “I Say A Little Prayer for You” (Aretha Franklin).  I would like the to get more rolls of 70s onwards.  Eventually when I have more time, I will learn piano.

    #393850
    anita
    Participant

    Dear HoneyBlossom:

    I hope that you are asleep right now, it being 2:27 am your time, having a restful sleep, and that your dog is asleep too and will continue to improve. You have a busy week ahead of you, vet appt, work, appt with the surgeon.

    I like Aretha Franklin’s I Say a Little Prayer for You: The moment I wake up, Before I put on my makeup, I say a little prayer for you… Forever and ever, you’ll stay in my heart, And I will love you, Forever and ever, we never will part… Together, forever, that’s how it must be, To live without you, Would only mean heartbreak for me”. I can almost hear it coming from your player piano.

    The lyrics, that’s how a young child feels about his/ her primary caretaker, usually the mother, then fast forward, these same feelings are projected to a romantic interest, with the addition of the sexual factor.

    In my news feed 50 minutes ago: “There is growing evidence that Ukraine is managing to inflict significant casualties on Russian forces as they try to advance deeper into the country — and that the swift strike Russia hoped to carry out on the capital, Kyiv, has been slowed by intense and popular resistance”- courage and resistance in the face of autocratic aggression!

    anita

    #393949
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    I feel that the situation in Ukraine is likely to de-escalate, and in one way or another, Putin will be gotten rid of. I believe, likely he has gone the way of many autocr a tic leaders. They surround themselves with people who will follow them blindly.  He go rt rid of many people, especially journalists who disagreed of him. I believe Trump was doing the same. There are various strategies in Australia which could end them being criticised. Current govt here has brought in legislation against people defaming them. They want got to fund “defamation” cases against politicians.  I’m not an anti-vaxers- fully vaccinated myself, but I am not opposed to people choosing whether or not to be vaccinated.  I wore masks tight through pandemic though that has eased for now.

    From what I can make out, there were previous submissions to the International Criminal Courts f o r crimes committed by Putin. I think he will go the way of Pinochet – maybe die of natural causes before it goes to trial. Otherwise, I think he could possibly suicide.

    What a brave leader Zelinski has shown himself to be. The welcoming  actions oof polish govt and people towards fleeing Ukranians has warmed my heart and restores my faith in humanity.

    Oh I do live that song. Haha, I don’t feel that way about a person – but I do pray for my dogs while I’m away from home.  I’m wanting to get pianola role for Carol King “You’ve Got A Friend.”

    There are serious floods in some parts of Australi A resulting in deaths. I’m watching footage of army helicopters and soldiers air-listing people off proves. It looks like a movie. Sydney has been predicted to receive 200mm in one downpour and people advised not to go to work tomorrow if they need to commute. I think this we Say her is predicted to go out to see before reaching where I am.  I hope so.

    What crazy times we live in!

    #393959
    anita
    Participant

    Dear HoneyBlossom:

    Crazy times indeed. Last night I said something similar: the world has gone mad!

    I read about the floods in East Australia yesterday and thought about you, but knowing how big Australia is, I figured it’s likely not where you are, similar to severe weather events on the US east coast, not being anywhere close to where I am, on the west coast. Here, the next threat is severe mud slides following lots of rain.

    Zelinsky is a breath of fresh air, it makes me feel better to know that there is such a thing as a leader who is also a decent person, displaying integrity, courage and care for his fellow human beings. I sure hope that your optimism regarding the situation in Ukraine deescalating and Putin being out of power soon comes true!

    This is what Trump said about Putin last week: “I went in yesterday and there was a television screen, and I said, ‘This is genius.’ Putin declares a big portion of the Ukraine — of Ukraine — Putin declares it as independent. Oh, that’s wonderful… You gotta say that’s pretty savvy.” The next day, he said: “he’s taken over a country for $2 worth of sanctions. I’d say that’s pretty smart. He’s taking over a country, really a vast, vast location, a great piece of land with a lot of people and just walking right in.”

    So, a US former president who suggested that he wants to be president again in 2 years and who has enough supporters to make it a possibility, referred to Putin AFTER PUTIN INVADED UKRAINE as genius, wonderful, savvy and pretty smart. As I read, one of Putin’s calculations in regard to invading Ukraine was that too many Americans, including the former and likely perhaps, next president- support him. I hope that worldwide, a stronger, decent democracy wins over autocracy.

    I hope you are sleeping well and that your appointment with the surgeon today goes well!

    anita

    #394076
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Trump is a lunatic, and Zelinski is so different to both Trump and Putin and Morrison.  I really like Jacinda Adern of New Zealand.  Yes, it was disheartening to read of more casualties.  I still have hope. Putin will go but obviously the sooner better.  I read more about the submissions to send Putin for trial for war crimes, and that is going through processes.  He has now enraged Jews all over the world by bombing very close to a holocaust memorial.

    Yes flooding not near mebut in cities where family live but they are all okay and not in the places where it is the worst.

    I went to surgeon today and all is good. I haven’t seen him for a couple of years, but I do like him.  He is at the top of his field, was very friendly and remembered me. I then went to the hospital and submitted all of the paperwork. He tells me probably be in about one month.  Good news is that I shouldn’t have to stay on hospital long at all.  May be a month.

     

    He said he will take a sample of what he called “a nodule” then burn the rest away. He said that is most likely all he will have to do but it depends on the pathology results.  He said some types have roots, and if it does, I will then go back in and he will take out more.  He says I am “on a watch list for 5-10 years”. He was very positive, and I feel in good safe hands.

     

    #394078
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    I am feeling right now that I am becoming well.  I have had tomes of feeling this in the last, but I think it was always when I was in a new relationship with a man.

    Despite the medical issues and not being in relationship, and knowing that I may never be, I feel happy right now – a type of contented happiness.

    I know that it’s largely because I have been able to share my true self here and experience acceptance, and receive sound advice.

     

    Through our the days, I have been envisaging a warm green light healing my heart, and I v want to learn to do more meditations.

    I knowcIm way too busy with work, and hope at some time to be able to take a holiday, and not have to work so many 12 hour shifts and sleepovers, but it’s a what I have to to do right now for financial reasons.

    I am aware that I have felt resentment and indignation towards G, the wealthy farmer I was involved with because he could not live me.  He didn’t offer mn e anything teal or worthwhile.  It was definitely in my interests to move on from me.  After I told him I was done, and blocked him, he was texted me months later asking if we were still friends.  I didn’t reply.  I wasn’t going down that or any other oath with him – I had done that before, and each time I got more hurt until I just couldn’t t a me it any more and I just went numb.  I heard recently that he is “going out with somebody knew”. I felt my ego responding inside, and thats all it was.

    I was so desperate for love that I “fell in love” more than once without getting to know people well enough, and finding out if we indeed were compatible and if there were worthwhile relationship qualities possible. I really don’t ever want to do that again.

    I’m at home tonight.  Dogs are on the bed with me.  I’m having a facial and massage at a salon in the morning. Then I have a vet appointment and back to work Friday.  I’m so appreciative of the time to be able to sleep and relax.  I’m so grateful for my dogs, my friend Rosemarie, for you and this forum, my home and SO many more things.

    I hope it will be okay for me to continue v to post and ask questions even though I’m feeling so much better.

    Thank you Anita, for all you give – your kindness and intelligence and empathy.  I hope your day has been good.  Thank you also Pink and Peter. 🙂

    #394106
    anita
    Participant

    Dear HoneyBlossom:

    So good to read that you are becoming well, and that you were feeling happy when you last posted, “a type of contented happiness” – that’s the kind of happiness that I trust, the contented kind.

    I know that it’s largely because I have been able to share my true self here and experience acceptance and receive sound advice” – reading this pleases me and motivates me to continue to accept and encourage your true self to post here again and again, for as long as you need to and want to. And to give you sound advice, of course.

    I have been envisaging a warm green light healing my heart” – I am having this image in my mind right now, of a warm, green light continuing to heal your heart.

    I am aware that I have felt resentment and indignation towards G, the wealthy farmer I was involved with because he… didn’t offer me anything real or worthwhile… I heard recently that he is ‘going out with somebody knew’. I felt my ego responding inside, and that’s all it was” – yes, that’s all it was. My understanding of his wealth is that it was limited to money and property, and that it did not extend to the context of human decency.

    I was so desperate for love that I “fell in love” more than once without getting to know people well enough… I really don’t ever want to do that again” – a meaningful, excellent insight and resolution!

    I hope it will be okay for me to continue to post and ask questions even though I’m feeling so much better” – of course it is! I will not punish feeling-so-much-better!

    Thank you Anita, for all you give – your kindness and intelligence and empathy” – you are welcome, and thank you, HoneyBlossom, for the same!

    anita

    #394261
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, HoneyBlossom?

    anita

    #394266
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    I had thought I was doing okay at work, but I am burning out.  I had to sleep over at work last night.  I had a very interrupted sleep with one client burning and another up at 4.30am.  I accidentally gave w people their evening meds instead of morning meds at around 6am – working on my own. I can see how the mistake was made also as those 2 clients both crowd around you in the morning. One of them is obsessed with my hair and kept touching it.

     

    I hope I dont lose my job over this.  It’s possible.  I was going to go back to work to fill in for somebody who has a sick child, but I had to c small back and say I can’t come.  I have a cold sore on my mouth and feeling very run down.

    I don’t have the date yet to go into hospital.  I have leave owing to me and feels like forever since I h ad a holiday.

    I even woke through t he night dreaming that a client had come into my room.

    The facility had requested a roster review some time ago, as we have to do more 12 hour shifts and sleepovers than most places. There is young lady who works there too, and she has told me she is burning out. She has a baby who is sick at the moment.

    The majority of the staff are very nice except for one guy who is so rude and smug.  He was taking over from me this morning and very rude. When I had to call back to say I can’t do the fill in, he told me about the medication error..this is a serious mistake to make. It means they had sleeping pills in the morning.  Though they both normally are up at 5.2pam, don’t know if they will sleep much.

    There is a thunderstorm about to hit here today, and I’m glad I won’t be driving the 35kms each way in bad weather for that shift.

    I have become aware too that I need to curtail my checking up of the Ukraine situation because of the feelings of illnesses right now. News this morning that Australia’s most famous ex-cricketer died overnight in Thailand while holidaying.  He had a heart attack and was only 52 years old. I would think he will be given a state funeral. So hard to believe.  Male friend only 48 years old died from a heart attack in his sleep last year.

    I think it’s because of so much stress we live under. I have known I couldn’t work these hours forever, but I’m upset to have made this mistake, and I will have to front up to authority on it. I hope I dont lose my job. I may have to go to other facility – if I don’t get sacked from the organisation.

    #394295
    anita
    Participant

    Dear HoneyBlossom:

    I will read and reply in a few hours.

    anita

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