* Dear Lisa: I hope you get replies on this thread. If you want my reply (and maybe others’ as well), you can start your own thread (Click FORUMS above, scroll down to relationship, click that, scroll down to the empty boxes. You can copy your post above and paste it there, and add to it if you want  to.

anita

Dear beinghuman1:

You shared that you are Malaysian-American and your boyfriend is Indian-American. He and his parents have been living in the US for over 14 years, you and him live separately in one state while his parents live in a different state. He told his parents positive things about you and that he loves you, but they have “high reservations” about the relationship because you are not Indian, right from the beginning of when he told them about you.

You were hoping for their change of hearts after your boyfriend sent to them a photo of you cooking and after having briefly met his mother through Skype, but the other day your boyfriend talked to them about marrying you and “they were completely against it”, saying that you are not a right fit for him. And your boyfriend told you “that his mother had been physically ill this entire week as a result of worrying so much about us”.

You wrote about his parents: “they’re very caring of him and love him greatly. They want what’s best for their son”, and that he told you that “his happiness was their top priority”-

I don’t believe that the above two sentences are true;  I don’t think that his happiness is his parents’ top priority- not in the context of his future marriage. They are not thinking about his happiness in this context, but their happiness. They want him to marry an Indian woman of their liking (not his),  and that’s all there is to it.

In yet other words: they are willing to hurt him so to achieve what is convenient for them. His mother complaining that she’s been physically ill the entire week is most likely a lie and it is her attempt to make her son feel guilty and therefore, to cause him to break up with you (so that his mother will not be physically ill anymore). Mothers lying in order to guilt trip their children (of minor age and adult age) is very, very common.

It’s not about his parents being loving or strict, it’s about them being selfish, self centered and self serving, and willing to go about it dishonestly. Unfortunately, their son is not  likely to view them this way, but see them in the best possible way, attributing good motives to their actions.

It doesn’t look good to me, when (referring to your screen name), being Indian is way more important to his parents, than being human. Please post again if you would like to communicate with me further.

anita

Nevermind guys I created a new thread!!

If u guys can follow n advise it will b good.

Link:

my Bf of 16 years is being forced to get an arranged marriage

Dear covidshard:

Lots of Indian men do as their parents tell them to do when it comes to marriage. It is a custom that when an Indian man gets married, his parents move in with him and his new wife, being one extended family where the son’s mother often has lots of power over the son’s wife.

Are you okay with that likely, to “see how it goes” means that the relationship with you will be ending?

anita

wow you all are so brave. I have read your posts and it really hurt me so deep. how did you all moved on?  in my situation, my boyfriend for 2 years was arranged to his cousin. I wasn’t  aware of it. he just told me 3 weeks before they are signing the marriage contract (since he’s an arab)

I’m so in love with him and until now I’m still with him since he asked me to stay with him until I get married. I cant find ways to leave, he has been good with me in all aspects in life. and there will never be same guy like him the way he treat me. he takes care of me in everything.  should i leave now or i will wait for another man first to come and leave him?

I can’t believe how many posts there are here. And it is both disheartening to see that so many people have such a similar experience to me, and somehow a good feeling to know that I am not alone in this. It really really does make you feel crazy in these situations, and no one around me is able to understand, which just makes you feel even more crazy. the man I love got married last week. I found out because I saw a reel posted on instagram, despite the fact that we talk daily in an attempt to be ‘friends’. Don’t get me wrong, I understand why he didnt want to tell me or had a hard time getting the courage to tell me, especially since he is not happy with the marriage at all (she is an ex who cheated on him but he never told his parents what happened until he met me, when he tried and failed to convince them to not make him marry her). BUT, I also am so incredibly upset that he wasnt able to get the courage to tell me beforehand. And I know that the correct solution is to stop talking to him, to stop being friends, and I have tried this before a couple of times. And he is incredibly good about this, when I ask him to not contact me, he does listen, and he has apologized countless times for the hurt he caused, and takes responsibility for it. He has referred to his situation as bullshit, and said that sometimes he hates his parents for doing this, but he still is not able to stand up to them. I believe that if he did do what he wanted they would at the very least threaten to k*ll themselves, if not actually do it, so i can also understand his decision. If i truly believed my parents would do that because of a decision I made, I would probably not make that decision. but understanding all of this, and knowing that he doesnt want to be with her, knowing that he still loves me, knowing that he will do anything and I do mean anything else for me, does not do much for the feeling of being crazy or for how much it hurts.

there was never really a chance of his parents accepting me, since I am white and they are very orthodox gujarati parents. and never in my life did I ever think that I might be the type to be a part of an adulterous relationship, but I have considered it a few times now. I haven’t made a decision yet, and I know that it would make things worse, but sometimes it is hard to factor that in. everything else about our relationship has always been incredible, we are so so well matched personality wise, and we even have the same degree/career.

anyways, I know there is a good chance this won’t be read, but being able to share in a space with people who fully understand what I am going through is very therapeutic.

i have the same story about my ex-boyfriend and he is Muslim. ever since i met him he told me everything about this relationship that he could not marry me in the future because of his culture. but I take the risk. so the relationship runs for 2 years and a half. we decided to slowly separate and part ways because he will marry soon and it’s not gonna be hurt so much from my side. he came back to the country which we met and he came back to after he got married. after his marriage, he came back to me again and now he told me he will follow his heart after realizing I’m still the one for him even. and now he is asking me to do this relationship halal. and he wants to marry me.. what i need to do? my mind has been messed up because he is confusing me a lot. I am not in the stage of moving on and now he has come back to me again which is confusing me. please help me what to do.

he wants to marry me as well and be his second wife.. I am trying to understand too what is going on. he told me he just wants his family to be happy. and now he has given that happiness already is time to follow his heart. he will not gonna divorce his wife. he wants to have a second wife.. and yeah living with his wife as well.. I am a Christian and I am not used to it sharing with other people. i love him so much and he loves me too. i know this is sound crazy and stupid. I’m losing my mind. please help me what i need to do. and btw i am older than him.