Dear Anita,

Yes I do. And for the first time in a very long time I will be home on my comfortable couch with a nice cup of tea able to write to you. Stay tune for the list in the next post…

Dear Anita,

Sorry for the delay in reply.

I re-read your post, the concept of being strong, but not unrealistically strong.  Better yet, not unwisely strong.

Unwise.

What a term, I don’t think I have ever used the word.  I have used words such as foolish, stupid, silly, dumb, and most recently, petty and immature.  But unwise – that surely encompasses so much of it.  Unwise: foolish, immature, and not beneficial

Unwise, thank you for providing me this term.  I think of the way I have been trained to act – it is unwise.  I think of my expectations of myself – they are unwise.  Lastly, I think of my often negative treatment of my husband – very unwise.

So where do people learn to be wise from then? From experience.  Yes. But also from appropriate guidance.  By modeling wise behavior.  Something really random comes to mind, very random – but I’ll share it.  Years ago, N (the friend I mentioned that was all glitter) were at a wedding (of course!).  This was one of the first friends of mine getting married, I was perhaps 24.  I was enthused and ecstatic, and ready to be a great participant in it all.  I was getting ready in a hotel room with N and her parents (who were family friends with the bride).  The procession was starting (In Indian weddings it is a huge procession when the groom arrives, live band, music, dancing, and he arrives on a horse or something of the sort).  I was getting ready very fast as not to miss any part of it! I look over at N who is taking her sweet time.  I said, let’s go we will miss it..  She replies, oh its okay its only the beginning lets take our time.  I felt bad about this, wanting to be there for the whole thing.  But N took her sweet time, not getting worked up or out of her element for even one second.  And this is when we were young…

I have never thought about that inconsequential moment, until now again.  It came to mind because I see N was taught to do whatever the heck she wanted.  She wanted to go, she should – didn’t want to all of a sudden, go ahead cancel.  No worries, no nothing.  The world of N, revolved around well – N.  And I know this.  In the hotel room, her parents too weren’t rushing or rushing us – no one seemed to be stressed.  If it was my parents in the room they would be rushing us out the door, let’s go let’s go! We can’t miss this!

Point of my flashback – I don’t want to be N.  I don’t want to be someone who seems to act without repercussion, or someone who does simply whatever she wants (there’s more to that as you know on her end).  But what I do see – is that I was quite the opposite.

N had no repercussion, well CC had too many!!

CC had to make sure to do everything right!! And more.  And she didn’t even bat an eye, as of course she should do this! Oh I remember myself looking back, zipping around, this way and that.  Oh the abundance of energy, the always wanting to be involved, the never sitting, the always escaping as well.

Anyway – wanted to write that.. Next will be my list.

Dear Anita,

Good morning. I wanted to post this before I forgot.

Last night and this morning I was able to dream, to imagine, to believe something different.

It felt like I was a teenager immersed in the music and able to zone out and day dream.

Oh what a wonderful feeling – I didn’t know if I had it in me to do that anymore.

And first things first why this happened ..? My mind was not occupied by the lives of others

It was occupied by my life.

It felt new- different. It felt calming and freeing.

I will hold on to this feeling. Look forward to speaking more when you are awake, I hope that you have a pleasant waking up experience and ease into your day.

Dear Anita,

Given that this experience is so special. And given that “life” gets in the way, work, the hustle of NYC, small talk with others – I want to preserve this the best I can.  Therefore I will reflect on this some more with you.

I think of it as the-calling-of-the-wild emotional experience , that which precedes going out into the world and exploring, that wagging-of-the-tail, the desire and expectation of good things ahead of us.

You know, I don’t think I have ever felt this – well not in my registered memory.  I am sure as a child, that anticipation before going to a theme park the night before.  The anticipation before anything exciting as a child.  But as an adult – nope – just fear.

Fear before events, not worst case scenario fear, just vague dull – lack of joy.

Onto the next:

so if you want to help him, change your behavior with him and the atmosphere at home, just like you did that Friday evening. Do it on a regular basis, provide him a safe, calm home.

He says this so often, your words exactly.  If he says it, AND you say – well, it must be true…lol!

Jokes aside, this is it Anita.

So let me explain a little background about the potential relocation.  It is entirely based on his job opportunities (as my market is much more open).  My starting a business was never to make it so that he didn’t have to work – it was that I could be the owner of something down the line and become my own boss with my own flexibility in the next 5 years.  Of course that is only a plan if we see ourselves in NYC or the like longterm, and setting down roots here.  Which is not out of the picture.

BUT – there are currently no positions open in his field, or anywhere in the near future aside from where he is at.  He works where he does and manages to make the most of it, but I see it as a dismal option.  I have spent time with a few of his colleagues and their wives.  I see something clearly, his other 2 male colleagues, close to our age work there because they will never move out of this area. For example, person A already has 3 kids and his wife is a die hard NYC or nothing person – which leaves him no choice apparently. Person B has a wife with a flexible job, but they also have children and are happy with their suburban home and commute.

Point of the matter is, could it work? yes.  Is it ideal – no! Especially because we don’t have such constraints.  No children yet, 2 incomes, and in laws (his parents) who are entirely supportive.

So you say – so others say – run with the wind!!

But of course it is not that simple given the climate of his field – but there is apart of me that always believes, if the timing is right, it will work out IF it is meant to.  I always have believed this.  You can’t push it, but hey if it’s meant to be it will be.

With that said- I am not the type to sit around and wait for life to come to me, quite the contrary, to a fault often.  In this case I am going to re-contact my prior contacts in the Long Beach and San Diego area.  And then proceed to Austin and Denver.  We will take it from there and try our best to see whats out there.  Who knows, in the meantime a great opportunity may even open up around here, it isn’t always easy to predict.

So that’s that – and yes no business at all.  That feels good, go to work and come home, and make a positive environment. That’s my job – that’s the job of CC.

So NOW…

The relinquishing of SCC, the visual stepping out of her snazzy wonder woman costume into a slim nude colored dress: clean lines, simple silhouette, and natural.  That is my visual – I think you will like it, I wish I could show you exactly what I am visualizing.

Her birthday was so very long ago, but it is time for her to be – done.

What has helped me move away from SCC over the last 2 weeks?

First and foremost….limiting contact with others.  I beat this like a dead horse over and over.  But here I am saying for another time, it is not how much you talk to others per se, but also how much you absorb their life/dramas etc.

See Anita, since we last spoke about weddings before my London trip, I haven’t spoken to S at all.  Not because I am mad at her, not because of anything – but because I don’t want to.  I would have felt immensely guilty prior – knee jerk to check in, always keeping in touch, here and I have for over 10 years. Well – there’s a change in pattern.  CC is busy now.  Busy with building her own life, the rest can wait.

It feels good to not have an extra info that I don’t need swirling around my head.  Whether S has picked her photographer, what this person is doing for their birthday, what that.

WHO THE F CARES!

In a general sense this is normal friendship talk.  But in my context: as I said this morning – my life becomes occupied by the lives of others. The wedding of S, the relationship of Y, the new occurrences with Z.

So what happens to CC? She becomes an after thought – and then what about husband? After After thought…

In order for CC to be reborn, and relinquish SCC she must see what worked – it did!! So much happened in July, so many emotional disturbances with people who are unkind/strange/ or whatever – so much learning.  So much giving of CC to these unworthy people.

She learned from it.  It isn’t just about not giving to these people, it is about not giving her delicate energy away to ANYONE right now.

Yes, that’s right – it is hers to keep…