You are absolutely right Anita, and before my outburst yesterday I was going to approach it just the same. It’s that —what happened? The anger couldn’t be controlled- it came out. I validate this anger just like you said above. It is warranted. Even you felt it!

It’s just that sometimes it feels like it continues to happen back to back. But that’s just life. I do need to work on controlling my anger and letting things go. Not to invalidate my anger, but to cause less self harm. The more I get angry and focus on these other people who are going to treat me bad, as will happen in life, I will continue to give them power to hurt me more than just the words, beyond what it seems, for their actions to perseverate into my mind, and for me to not be able to deal with this anger and lash out to my husband. I must learn to deal with anger.

Dear Anita,

well it wasn’t that yesterday was a full on lash out in the sense of raising my voice. It was in fact saying the same thing over and over and perseverating over it. Yes frenzied tone and pace. Yes indeed. And then getting angry and saying something like, I can’t take these people treating me this way – and I know it will be of no use if you say something or telling your parents. But it is insane. In what world do you show up to say a thanksgiving and S has done this and her crazy sister in law has called me a whore. He understood completely Felt like I was projecting my anger at the situation out to him, it’s not like he made them act that way or didn’t support me. He had a terribly long day at work and it was the last thing he wanted to come home to, which made me feel bad, but at the same time made me say -something like its not my fault that your family members treated me this way. So then we talked about the concept of how you can’t change these people but learning to like you said be restrained and let things go in the sense of protecting myself.

He also said that once he found out that those cousins are going to come to the event on Saturday, he didn’t feel like there should be any reason that I should come. I said that this made me feel guilty, because I don’t want it to make it a weird thing that I don’t show up to events anymore if they are coming. He says that he totally understands, but he doesn’t expect me to come to something that’s not important that is acutely right after July when all this happened. That of course in a few months I will go to thanksgiving and all and more time has passed. He expected me to not even attend, it was me who went out of my way to try to approach the situation and think about going to a place I will be triggered. Who would actively involve myself.

All in all he was very supportive, but it cost him a huge headache that I was projecting my anger the situation to him. It’s true, no one asked me to go to Saturday, it was all self-induced, I guess that is super Cali Chica acting. And self sabotaging.

YesI think I also felt angry for him not getting angry himself, but realized by the end of the night that he’s learning to not dwell on it because it’s only going to cause him and myself more self harm, you can’t change people who do weird things like that, but if we allow it to consume our evening like we did yesterday then we are the victims and the sufferers. We are.  We were.

Dear Anita,

got it. I have to step away from the computer for about two hours, but when I come back I actually want to do some exercises in practicing communicating authentic emotions but in a calm way. Assertive communication as you say is this – speaking truth but not frenzied. Perhaps we can make some sort of exercise. I have something in mind. I think that if I practice this in writing for things that are happening currently etc, I will be able to do a better job in the future when it is spontaneous and unexpected as distress can be.

I know, I was thinking about how I wish it was over phone so we could do it with hearing. Maybe one day! Be back soon!

ALSO- yes I am not trying to show off or be elitist.. But I do believe there is jealousy involved with many of these women and that’s why they spit fire onto me. A shame.