Dear Anita,

it is 2 am and I am awake. I fell asleep at 8 Pm last night, likely from mental exhaustion! So of course waking up at a strange hour. Hopefully will be able to fall back asleep.

I woke up with some feelings I want to document. I’ve asked you in the past, or my feelings trustworthy, if I am feeling distressed does that mean that I actually have those true emotions, or is it that a lot of it is the trauma and they are out of proportion of reality.  I forgot how I worded  this question to you, but what I meant is, am I to trust my emotions?  Your answer is exactly what I believe is correct, yes and no. Yes in the sense that often our packed up emotions come up in many different ways. Also no, because so much of it is distress, and it isn’t that it is exactly a reality, but fear-based and anxiety.  So I’m not going to say everything that I feel at this exact moment is true, I will just share.

Right now I feel sad, uneasy, and not safe/secure. I do not feel calm and content, yet worried. It felt like I woke up to a worry – but of course a vague sensation. It all makes sense and is entirely my baseline.

I do not feel safe. I ask my 2 am self why? Perhaps because there feels like constant threats. Perhaps because I have been a warrior too long.

As I’ve said to you, I like to read certain things in the tiny Buddha website, but less and less over the years as I am finding our interactions and personal talks to be far more helpful than general writings. But when I logged onto the site right now I read this:

“Be selective with your battles. Sometimes peace is better than being right.”

Wow. Just wow.

This is what I am struggling with. I want to fight the “right” war. Good or evil, justice over injustice. But frankly it is not worth it most times, and look at the characters involved. A smart inner circle oriented Cali Chica would focus on the fact that both her and her husband are depleted, so fighting battles with inconsequential people will just take away from inner circle.

Yes take away from inner circle. I notice I constantly do this. It is so so not innate for me to stick to inner circle.

There will be women like this everywhere. And yes I need to be more selective with whom I let down my hair and am open and spontaneous with as you wrote. I must have more restraint. I will then perhaps make myself less vulnerable to hurt – or being a target. Not that I want to either in the background. But focusing on inner circle in essence makes me less motivated to be maybe less friendly with just anybody. Let’s see.

Choosing peace is out of my repertoire. It’s like a foreign language. I have never ever seen my mother do it. And my mother had never ever advised me to do so.

Whats more is that choosing peace

1) never even seems like an option as it appears foreign

2) if and when it does it seems like “giving in”

3) peace must be defined.

Peace is not settling or giving in, its equanimity. It’s not being shaken, and it is also maintaining your own – not giving away.

I of all people I know, maybe more than anyone so to speak, really really really needs to keep the peace these days, don’t you think. Learn that it is an option and in fact a great one. No harm no foul. Just peace.

I think what I wrote above is important because it feels important. I know we will discuss in the morning.

—-

so last night I RSVP no to the last wedding we have been invited to. She’s a colleague of mine from residency. She was very involved in my wedding. I get a passive aggressive answer back from her. I look at it for a few seconds. These are the thoughts that come to my head – she has no idea what My life is, and If I never talk to her again I would be fine.

Interesting. I have truly shed over 50 percent of my friends over the last year. I guess each person is one less person to keep in touch with, be obligated to, and that may potentially take away.

My favorite thing, or one of my favorite things that you say is: win-win scenario.

It is only recently that I really started understanding this. What I thought was win win prior was simply:

Pattern and guilt driven.

But choosing only what Cali chica truly wants to do often leads to win win. And you know- win win can change. I had a good conversation with a friend the other evening after my intervention with mean lady. (whom I’ll be working with today by the way in just 4 hours, I oh I hope I can get some sleep).

The old me would have told her all about the interaction and felt the need to vent. To anyone. I didn’t. That was a first. As I said, I kept it composed and smart. Non frenzied; so there was no uneasy frantic energy upon leaving the scenario. What a new feeling.

Now of course professional life is not the same as navigating personal. And at the end of the day professional life has code and conduct and common goals.

Personal life is a free for all.

I don’t think I would have been able to handle that same intervention with say a personal life individual the same. And then it occured to me— I don’t have to. Why am I even thinking about this? Because my brain is programmed to worry.

What if I just stopped. Stopped being involved. Stopped. Showed up to places like you said with some restraint with those who matter.

So I just thought of something Anita, I think you’ll appreciate it.

I liked what you wrote about earlier about the concept of not letting my hair down so to speak. It is a perfect saying. I had a flashback right now to the mother voice. My mother would often have incidents in which she would be going to an event or someone had done her wrong in the past or have been jealous of her, whatever she said, I’m not analyzing that right now. Just telling the story. So towards the end over the last few years, I recall her saying these things often, “well I’ll just show up there and not really talk to anyone, I guess I’ll just be mute.”

or “I guess I’ll bring my iPad and just beyond that, so I don’t have to interact too much with people.”  What she was trying to say is that she didn’t want to set herself up for more injury, she didn’t want to be involved in yet another conversation in which she may be taunted or target.

Now I’m not taking my mothers words for truth, we both know that half of what she said was a lie, and her version of the reality is not to be trusted. But I noticed that these words definitely head wait for my sister and I. Since we were older at this time her and I would laugh. We would dau to each other. oh god look at mom trying to act like she’s going to go there and be some sort of saint, you can’t show up to places and not be who you are.  I would even joke with my mother and tell her that it would be very awkward if she tried to do that, and she wouldn’t even be able to do so, she is naturally are friendly and talkative person. She would agree with us. I saw the pain in my mother’s face sometimes when we were talking about this, or wanting to change her in itself in a away.  Or not change but something.

Now, I can’t take this individual’s emotions or any words to be truth, or a learning point. But it does bring back this memory. The concept of if you are friendly and open and off exposing yourself to others by being that way and not being reserved and restrained, you also may be a target. Yes in my mother’s case she was off and Shelly and had a lot of other bad behaviors. But I do believe the success of coarse even if that’s not the case. Like the conversations we had yesterday. For someone like S, it would be important for me to be more reserved, have that reserve smile and make small talk, but not get involved in any personal way.  But see Anita this is something I am seeing after the fact. If I truly saw this as what it is, I would now know that there are many people like her in the world with whom I have no business letting my hair down so quickly. Remember I told you the concept of jumping into someone’s lap, this is what I am trying to say. What business do I have being open to mere strangers, who I don’t know anything about deeply, I don’t know how they see the world or how they’re going to react. I just know the surface. I don’t want to live in a way in which I am so distrustful of the fellow person that I will be extremely reserved it wouldn’t be possible for me anyway, as you know I’m not very good at being fake. But see it’s not fake. The reason I bring up the memory above of my mother’s comments, is that she would attribute people who did things like that as being smug and fake. My sister and I have not been taught the art of careful composure. It is like we only were taught to things.

Be extremely open and outward, or be reserved and fake. Of course the latter having a negative connotation.

Careful composure? What does it mean. It sounds nice doesn’t it.

It doesn’t seem innate to me, it also seems like a foreign concept like the above quote, choosing piece over being right. But I know I can do it, I did it with the main lady at work, and she is definitely a know very difficult, top five most difficult people sort of person. So I have the ability and skill. It’s just that emotion and anger and all of the above are laced  in with everything.

Perhaps given the above story about my mother, I am afraid of losing myself if I am restraint. Perhaps I quit being restrained and carefully selective as equal to losing my true nature of being a bubbly friendly person. Perhaps the mother voice tells me that this is me not being myself, and it is fake.  Perhaps I believe it is selling out, but if I have my whole life been able to be so gregarious and such a good people person, why would I stop now, I don’t think I could even stop it’s a part of who I am it is really my. Not Something I do as an act or a show or for anyone, it is how my nature is. It’s not even relevant and how people believe this to be a great quality of mine, because either way it is who I am  .

The mother voice might be telling me that it’s not possible, or it is not authentic. But choosing peaceful composure may not seem like my innate self at first, but who said that everything that is innate is actually working? Clearly not.

You said to me last month, that I have to change my behavior, so much that someone on the outside must notice. If the outside person does not notice or make a comment, I’m not doing it hard enough.

Perhaps I fear that outward person noticing, perhaps I fear there, and, I hear them saying something like: well that’s not like you, or Oh I’m disappointed I would expect you to do this or that.

But first of all no one is going to say this, second of all if they feel this, they probably don’t know me well enough and the state of my life right now. Third of all- yes. It isn’t like me, because I am changing. I must allow myself to grow and change. If I was giving this advice to me from the outside I would say, that you say back to the mother voice or whatever voice when they say: wow I’m surprised that you made that decision, that’s not like you. The response is nope that isn’t really like the old me, but it’s suitable for me right now. Of course this is obviously a conversation with your own self, because in reality the struggle is within my own self. Perhaps I am afraid of choosing piece because it seems like it’s letting the mother voice down. Perhaps I am afraid of restraint because of who the mother voice tells me I am. But I must show some change and growth, including restraint and choosing peace.

Ravp no to a wedding is easy. What’s much harder is to Be in front of someone and wanting to be open and friendly, but shutting your mouth and having a small smile, knowing that using excess words will only open you up to losing your energy and power

Dear Anita,

Thank you for taking the time to read all of my posts.  I am glad you were able to sum down your comments to a few lines, as I did not want you to spend too much energy this morning on my posts.

I guess I misworded it, I do not mean to say I think I am bubbly and friendly, or happy go lucky.  But I am a people person.  To the point that not being one would not be myself.  I function well in groups, and do well with socializing.  It feels natural to me.

I think the over socializing is the role I took on as SCC, the role given to me.  But regardless sociability and gregariousness is innate.  You are right I am not happy go lucky.  In fact I believe I am sensible and thought out and perhaps hardened.  Which is seemingly opposite.

It is hard to explain what I am saying to you unless you have met me in person, the type of vibe I give off as a person.  And, how that has harmed me of recent, as being too naive and “letting my hair down” with people who truly didn’t deserve that.  I learned a lot.

I personally don’t think that being open and outward necessarily equates to contentment and joy.  I think this because I see myself being open time and again, but continuing to get burnt – and finding the opposite of contentment.  It isn’t that I am not open, it is that being too open can lead to the opposite of contentment and joy.  Too open can go into the category of seeking, and straying away from inner circle.

I have always observed women who tend to me more smug and self oriented.  Admiring their ability to do so to a point, but not necessarily wanting to be that way – just observing.  I see from the outside that if they were too open, they would make themselves vulnerable to injury.  Just as I did with the cousin S.

I think that I am learning a good balance between giving up the role of SCC, and not acting out of guilt.  I thought of also how perhaps I over-glamourized how great my husband’s family is, since mine was so dysfunctional.  And perhaps was naive to over trust too quickly.  Each family has rifts and distances, and even if 8 cousins are great, there may be some bad eggs.  There may be a lot of bad eggs.  I am surprised with myself for not expecting this – as I don’t consider myself an innocent and naive person.  But perhaps I was thrown off, and perhaps I am naive and hopeful deep down.

Regardless, our talks yesterday helped me a lot.  Thank you very much.

oh and of note, the mean lady and I are working very well together today.  That assertive “code of conduct” I followed on Tuesday by having the intervention with her has led to a great outcome.  Congratulations to me!

Dear Anita,

Thank you for defining that for me.  Yes, I recall a year ago telling you that I didn’t want to invite this person to walk my dog with me, but I for some reason reached out as a knee jerk.  I know this past motivation of fearing being alone, or feeling someone else’s presence will quell my anxiety.  I learned over the year so much.  That indeed the presence of others does not “cure” this distress, and in fact can worsen it.  Yet, of course as you said I am extroverted, but that does not mean all consumed with SCC behaviors.  I know I will continue to work on this.  Sending the RSVP no yesterday, and getting the text response from the bride: OK.

Would have sent me into a guilt spiral.  Weird passive aggressive response.  But instead i said, who cares.  I don’t want to go, and in fact I am okay never seeing or talking to her again.  She is not a priority.

Work in progress.  This weekend will be no weddings, no call for my husband, and zero social obligations.  What a relief.  It will be good down time for my husband and i both.

Dear Anita,

i did indeed make this a priority this weekend, and oh what a success! Probably the best weekend in months!

without speaking about anything too heavy on A Sunday (I wonder if you were out this weekend in the woods)

i will say this:

the mean guy does not have much power as I think. not at all – only in my head.

Dear Anita,

Good morning.

What I meant about the mean guy is this:

The mean guy can be anyone, it can truly be a “mean” guy/gal – or what appears to be an aggressive or oppressive situation.

I did end up going to the even on Saturday night.  Why? Because it would be a nice night out with my husband and his cousins who I like (yes there are many of them, and 2 rotten eggs should not spoil the whole tray).  And needless to say I had a BLAST.  LIkely the best night I have had in maybe months or a year! Good quality time with girls (his cousins) singing, dancing, and just overall enjoyment – lighthearted and fun.

Now what about the “mean guy” – well Cousin S, came in and of course presented herself as the diva she is, I gave her a fake smile and continued my conversation with the cousin who the event is for/bride to be.  The old me would have felt so awkward about doing that – and the new me DID feel so akward about doing that, but I persisted.  As you said, if it doesn’t feel weird doing it, and if the other person doesn’t notice it, I am not doing it “hard” enough – it is not enough of a change.

It was, I can not say what she thought – but I could tell by the end of the night hours later, the thought must have went through her head: CC is avoiding me/ or  being weird/ or being a B****

Whatever she thought, that’s on her.

BUT I changed my behavior to adapt to the reality of the situation, the reality of how I felt, the reality of who she showed me she is, and I:

minimize distress and maximize calm and contentment

I did it, I truly did!

This is not to say each interaction with a person that may have hurt us in the past will be so simple.  Yes, if we were all cooped up in a living room and not in a vast NYC lounge, there may have been more of an awkwardness/feeling to interact.  But we will cross that bridge when we get there.  First steps are important and valid.

So back to what I wrote:

the mean guy does not have much power as I think. not at all – only in my head.

My sister and I refer to my mother as parrot.  For a few reasons. The visual of an annoying bobble head parrot continuing to peck on your shoulder, pecking and squawking.  It also reminds me of the visual you made for me, and the frenzied bird.  It fits. It also goes along with the omnipresent mother voice.  And lastly, it is a comical visual – and for my sister and I, humor is a large part of who we are – and healing, separately and perhaps together.

So parrot has taught us (me) that the “bad guy” is a large and almighty being.  A monster that takes over the room/a situation/ LIFE.  The monster takes over OUR life.

So in any scenario, the mean lady at work, this cousin – it is insinuated that my ENTIRE experience will be spoiled by this entity. And that NOTHING good can happen, and all that may be good (other cousins there, other good parts of the working day etc) are ENTIRELY overshadowed by this entity/and their energy.

Yes, it is possible…at times. But no – this is not reality.  Nope..

Ironically, who is that monster?! My mother – and yours.

parrot warned us about monsters, but she is the scariest and truest monster of all

An omnipresent being that indeed take over our ENTIRE lives and brains.  Yes, how ironic she scared my sister and I about these sort of beings making them these scary ghouls that haunt us – but in fact she is the biggest monster of all, hiding under the bed, in the close, everywhere and anywhere.

We give these people too much power.  I give these people too much power.

Not on purpose of course, but  because I was trained to give power AWAY.  Never knowing it could be any other way.

Here, take it.  It isn’t mine to keep anyway ….

But it is.  It is mine to keep.  It is the homeless person in front of times square to keep.  It is the president’s to keep.

Personal human power, we all have it – it’s just that some of us give it away more than others.  Some consciously, and many (lik myself) subconsciously.

Last week was an EXCELLENT example of this.  Not one but two examples

1) I utilized assertive and firm communication with an offender at work, and our air was cleared, and I believe here forward our interactions will be more peaceful.  And that is what it is about – finding peace and contentment.

2) The above scenario, I did NOT allow an “offender” to take away any joy from my night or the night of my husband and I. Which by the way, my good mood was contagious, and my husband had even more fun than he expected, good vibes all around.

I asserted myself (both scenarios differently) WITHOUT giving my power away.

See the person as who they really are once they show you, but do not believe them to be a big scary monster with all the power.

They are just another human, and you my dear, are a powerful young woman, don’t you ever forget that.

You have the will to believe, to breathe and live, and lastly to find peace and contentment.  Here is proof.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Thank you.

1) the ROAR is indeed a reaction, a fighting, screaming, annoyance, rebellion, disgruntled ROAR at giving power away.

It is saying ROAR I am angry that I don’t have power, but seemingly helpless about how to actually preserve it.  What a predicament for a person.

2) I see my mother from fragile puppy before – to monster now.  This shift is essential to healing.  Seeing reality as-it-is as you would say.  I am sure this will continue in many shapes and forms which I can not predict at this moment.  The path.

3) I didn’t put much emphasis on my husband in my last post.  And I see why – because if I am okay, he is okay.  It is that simple. Focus on myself being okay, content, and at peace – and all is well.

All is well.

Dear Anita,

I agree.  That is all for now on my end, as in for today. (enough problems last week right, start this week off fresh! lol)  I know it has been a tumultuous few weeks on my end, starting with July London trip, seeing how much my husband is suffering, and feeling a lot of difficulty holding onto that power – and seeing positive in things.  You have worked very hard all summer in helping me, going back and reviewing what we spoke about – and truly creating a real life working space for me.  Endless gratitude for: us.

I hope that I can continue to work on this as you say.  I also know that each day is different, and achievements in the past and successes does not always equal it will continue – but I am creating a good bank of proof and exercise that it works.

How have you been? Do you feel that now that you are a month or more out of that scare you had, that you feel different in some way – in any sort of lasting way? I wonder. If you want to share. If not, that is fine 🙂