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Viewing 15 posts - 571 through 585 (of 1,009 total)
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  • #313809
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I was thinking this part: “I have helped him”, that is, you helped your husband to express himself authentically, when I wrote to you last.

    Yes, I experienced it too, the lingering of the excitement after the party. It was a “high” and it was a “low” after the party. Part of me wanted it to keep going and going. Lots of people, the feeling of instant friendships, the desire for more.

    anita

    #313811
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I did help him express himself authentically, you are right, I did.  He does appreciate this.  It is a win-win all around.

    It does not “cure” the issue, but it is a step to realizing and understanding the reality of things, and how to proceed next.

    Yes, I recall feeling like I wanted to keep the “high.” I made a joking reference that evening to understanding how drug addicts are always chasing that high – as it feels like only highs and lows – that dimmer to neutral is often difficult.  Wanting more of that “feel good.” But of course in the scenarios it isn’t a drug per se, but that good feeling and like you mentioned the desire for more.

    In fact, after my nice evening with my friend last Tuesday I felt similar.  After the night, I went to have dinner with my husband.  I was on such an excited “high” from spending some quality time with my friend I was at risk of being frenzied.  In this scenario I did a great job of recognizing this, and the concept of “wanting more” of that feeling.  I snapped back to neutral so to speak in the sense of I had a good win-win dinner with my husband in which I listened and was not frenzied.  It must have worked as when my sister than joined us later – it is when my husband felt comfortable enough to open up to her about the sate of his job etc.

    I will recall this experience one in which the dimmer switch was not faulty.

    I think though, if I was alone after, say returning to my apartment, my husband still at work – home after an exciting evening, I would have much difficulty turning this off.  It would have been the same as after the event I described, coming home and this excitement “high energy” now feeling like it can’t shut off – and now feels uncomfortable and overly activating.

    Doing some slow yoga poses after an evening like that can be of some help – and I guess like anything else, discussing it, and being aware of it.  I am enjoying this conversation actually, because it is not something I would have thought to mention to you until you brought up your weekend.  How important it is to notice so many aspects about ourselves isn’t it.  Sometime exhausting, but always learning.

    #313819
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I am glad I brought up the party which lead to this exchange today.

    The term “emotional regulation” I learned in therapy comes to mind as you mention “that dimmer to neutral” and the snapping “back to neutral”. We feel excited, activated, high, frenzied.. and we have to lower that excitation so to function well in the next life-situation, after my party or your socialization with your friend.

    You needed your husband to be more aware of the negative aspects of reality, and to express that, and he is doing just that.

    anita

    #313821
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Emotional regulation – sums it up.  I am glad we had this exchange today as well.

    I often struggle with this after work on a Friday, having had a long day, no breaks, and having a mentally and physically draining day that involves a lot of activation by definition.  I notice that I used to feel quite irritated by the fact that I arrived home and didn’t feel relaxed.  I now recognize it is often “work” to wind down.  An active process.  Whether it be unplugging from the computer or phone.  Taking an extra long walk to get home.  Perhaps heading to a yoga class if possible.  Or if nothing more some stretching and breathing at home, taking more than just a few minutes.

    Often writing to you after a long day can also be helpful, as it sums up what really matters, or allows me to point out what actually may be bothering me – and if nothing – now, after this exchange, perhaps I can see – nothing is “wrong” I am just having trouble emotionally regulating, dimming the switch.  And that is okay, just takes some work and time.

    #313825
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    These are emotional regulation aka “dimming the switch” techniques:

    1. “unplugging from the computer or phone”.

    2. “Taking an extra long walk”.

    3. “a yoga class”.

    4. “stretching and breathing at home”.

    5. “writing to (me)”

    And there are more: listening to music, watching a comedy show on the computer with husband (have been doing that lately in the evenings), and so much more. It is about picking what/ when.

    anita

    #313931
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I like learning about your recent way of “dimming the switch” with the comedy show.  That is endearing to hear about!

    Today I am going to go home and do a deep cleaning, and I am actually looking forward to that being meditative.  Just me and the dog, some loud music, and get the cleansing going.  I will try to throw out all that is not needed in the meantime, as it is always easy to accumulate excess.  I will likely require a nice coffee prior to this experience!

    It is nice weather here these days mid 70s and breezy, I look forward to taking a stroll in the park after cleaning – breath of fresh air literally.  When my husband arrives home we can have a nice dinner, and hopefully he isn’t at work too late.

    How are you doing this morning?

    #313949
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I was under the impression that you don’t drink coffee, but you do- and you will in the afternoon before cleaning? I  still drink strong coffee every day but used to have it even stronger and more of it, don’t think it is possible to drink stronger coffee than I have and still can, bet I would win a competition if there was one. I had a disturbing dream in the morning, but I often forget my dreams.

    The weather here has been rainy, lots of clouds covering the sky as I type, no blue up there and no sun, which is often the case in Fall and Winter, there are days that the sun never shows up… eerie.

    I hope to read more from you (before or) after the deep cleaning and walk in the park and then time with husband.

    anita

    #313969
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I don’t drink coffee daily, as I tend to get headaches easily, and withdrawal headaches if I am on it daily.

    Wow, you are a strong coffee drinker!

    I won’t likely drink strong coffee before cleaning, I am SO sensitive to caffeine.  I used to drink caffeine daily throughout medical school and residency – but still very sensitive.  So perhaps a nice Early Grey tea before cleaning to give me a boost.

    Sometimes caffeine can make me very jittery and tense, emulating that activation/excitation that as we know is distressing.

    I thought a lot about our exchange from yesterday, great topic that was brought up.  Emotional regulation.

    I thought a lot about moments where I was unable to emotionally regulate.  Often looking back and thinking that the person triggering me was so severe that I could not let the concept go.  But now realizing that regardless, it is my own capability to regulate to the next neutral.  It is a must – not to say it is easy.

    To be able to dim the switch back down reduces distress, and creates a neutral peaceful environment.  I have an even greater appreciation for that now after what we spoke about.

    I also think about the concept of not allowing distress to boil over.  Containing it.  If someone was irritating at work, allowing it to brush off before say heading onto the subway.  If someone was irritating on the subway, allowing it to brush off before heading into the house — etc.

    How important these concepts are for controlling my OWN distress, not to mention not project onto my husband.

    I didn’t realize – as I have mentioned before- that I actually had CONTROL over these things.  I grew up believing that if i felt a certain way, that’s just how it was.  I hear the mother voice saying: “well of course I feel this way, look what happened!!!” roaring with agony and entitlement.

    So that’s how it went — Now, not to say that I haven’t been extremely resilient in my life.  But the rumination and inability to contain distress is quite a new thing for me. edit: as in the ability to control rumination and ability to have contain

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.
    #313983
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    (Earl Grey has been my favorite tea ever since I discovered it!)

    “to emotionally regulate.. To  be able to dim the switch.. not allowing distress to boil over. Containing it… controlling my OWN distress” instead of “saying: ‘well of  course I feel this way, look what happened!!!’ roaring with agony and entitlement”-

    – this is a Major Key for the well-being of you individually and of your marriage.

    When your mother roared at you, she felt entitled to you, so she robbed you of your well-being. You’ve been on the road of healing from what she did to you.

    Can’t heal though unless you successfully do what she didn’t do- emotionally regulate, dim the switch, contain and control your distress skillfully. And no longer roar. No more roaring-Cali Chica.

    anita

    #313991
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I love the lavender essence in Earl Grey! I am a huge fan of soothing smells like lavender, I even have some fresh lavender I add to earl grey as a special treat when I have time, like on a weekend. Do you have it with a splash of milk like the Brits do? I do! Maybe we can enjoy some Earl Grey tea together when we meet, no…Red wine with some orange slices – much better choice!

    Can’t heal though unless you successfully do what she didn’t do

    No more roaring Cali Chica.  Especially since we learned what a big root of the roar is from, the feeling of powerlessness.

    I see now that power doesn’t have to be aggressive.  Being assertive is not aggressive, it is effective communication.

    Having power doesn’t mean attempting to power OVER, it means harnessing my human-granted-self power that we all deserve.  Allowing myself to manifest this innate power that we all have and deserve.

    Speaking your truth, effectively, without guilt – watching how that makes you feel – rinse and repeat

    #313995
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Definitely milk with Earl grey- I grew up on the Moroccan fresh mint tea, no milk. But when I discovered the British way of drinking tea- I became a fan, ever since. Still like the mint tea though, a different experience. When we meet, depends on the time of the day, maybe both- morning tea and later, red wine (with orange slices, for me at least).

    “I see now that power doesn’t have to be aggressive… Having power doesn’t mean attempting to power OVER”- oh, if Hitler saw that in 1933 and 1939, many millions of deaths and unspeakable suffering would have been prevented. The world today would be very different if people in power saw this truth.. people in power in governments, in business, in the streets, and no less, inside many homes.

    Maybe Cali Chica will be able one day, on a bigger scale, showing and motivating lots of people to harness that “human-granted-self power”, to “manifest this innate power that we all have and deserve”.

    anita

    #313999
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Moroccan fresh mint tea is my ALL TIME favorite, oh how I miss it – haven’t been able to have the same type back in the states.

    I agree with your plan, and I will enjoy the orange slices as well – share your treat.

    I do think one day I will be able to help and show and motivate.  I used to have anxiety and pressure about this, why am I not doing more – why am I not building more? I should make more use of my ability to speak and help others.

    And now- I say no.  Right now is the time to learn to relax and heal.  To do less.

    when the time comes, and I know it will be right -as I will feel it – then and only then, will I do more…

    #314005
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Nothing like my aunt Susi Moroccan tea- her husband grew the mint in his garden and she made it for all the children in those beautiful mornings in her home, long ago.

    Regarding my comment about you motivating people on a greater scale (than currently)- that’s later, much later. Not now. I agree. Some time in the future. That Super CC- the role- when that role is long gone, the Super will be of a different experience for you, real and practical and doable… emotionally regulated- that will make it doable.

    anita

    #314205
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Good Morning!

    The reason I brought up something as mundane as deep cleaning my apartment to you – is that this has felt like an insurmountable task for me.  It is something that is obviously a basic task – but as I have mentioned to you – I have had trouble focusing on small things such as putting clothes away etc – my whole life.

    I used to say I have ADHD, being able to do something very large quite easily, say write and submit an essay – but go to the kitchen and have trouble putting away the water bottle where it belonged.  Small task avoidance in some ways.  This is not an unknown issue – as many people do write about this – but it sure is a pain.

    Over this past year I have tried to become more cognizant of it.  I notice, as always, the state of my mind is the state of my home.

    The more frenzied my brain is – the more frenzied my organization is.  All in all our home is always clean and tidy – I am talking about things such as allowing clothes to go unfolded in my drawers, and being frenzied about putting stuff away.

    So yesterday I tackled the large task of deep cleaning, dusting, scrubbing, very cathartic – also very tiring.   I was able to do this without any issue! I worked for about 3 hours, and was very pleased with myself and the result.  It sounds so silly even writing about this – but I am glad to know my attention was focused, and now I can go home to a nice squeaky clean apartment.  My husband was glad too when he arrived home.

    It is nice to see myself focus on inner tasks.  Tasks that promote my well being, and that of my husband.  I am trying to do a better job of focusing less on the lives of others, and more on my own life.

    Inner circle, as you said in July is key.  That wraps up everything.  I hope to continue to practice this.

    I want to work on focusing more on my own life, perhaps I will do some exercises in this regard today.

    I hope you are having a good morning when you wake up, and enjoy that extra strong coffee.

    #314211
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Not only is your apartment perfectly neat this morning (assuming you did make the bed and put things away this morning)- so is your post. Look at those nice paragraphs, what seems to me as perfect grammar, no typos, look at the punctuation- very “clean and tidy”.

    “I have had trouble focusing on small things such as putting clothes away etc- my whole life… being able to do something very large quite easily, say write and submit an essay…  The more frenzied my brain is- the more frenzied my organization is.. allowing clothes to go unfolded in my drawers, and being frenzied about putting stuff away”-

    – when the brain is agitated aka frenzied, overly excited, it doesn’t like to focus on detailed physical tasks such as folding clothes  before putting them away, or cleaning a kitchen counter when it requires moving items away first, then cleaning, then drying, then cleaning the items and placing them back.  The brain is too excited to stay in one step of a task before moving to the next. Each step of a physical task takes too long for the frenzied brain, it doesn’t have the patience to stay present for each one of the steps. It rushes through.

    When you have a thought, it takes a tenth of a second to experience the thought before the brain moves to the next thought or image. On the other hand, it takes ten seconds to fold a shirt (I am guessing here, about # of seconds), the frenzied brain doesn’t have those ten seconds for the task.

    The reason the essay  is easy is because it involves thoughts and typing that is congruent with the frenzied brain- it doesn’t take ten seconds between the typing of each letter, it takes a split of a second per letter.

    This is why slow yoga and tai chi- especially tai chi (when the teacher is right)- is amazing, for the frenzied brain. Tai Chi is about slow, exact movements. Even the cleaning you did yesterday is an excellent exercise for the frenzied brain- one movement at a time and the brain remaining with each movement before going to the next.

    The nature of the exercise to heal or re-establish that frenzied baseline is to intentionally force the brain to remain present with One Physical Movement/ Task at a Time before moving to the next.

    And yes, I am having a good morning, drinking strong coffee. There is a little blue in the sky in front of me as I sit facing the deck.

    anita

     

Viewing 15 posts - 571 through 585 (of 1,009 total)

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