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This topic contains 160 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 2 hours, 7 minutes ago.

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  • #302261

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Yesterday when I read your posts I was a bit frenzied so I didn’t read thoroughly, I am able to read thoroughly this Sunday morning. I want to look into .. The Anatomy of Frenzy:

    You are having dinner with your husband, his friend and his friend’s wife, a “horrific woman. Controlling, strange, passive aggressive.. bad energy”, your distress over living with your mother, a horrific woman, was activated (trigger 1) and it “made me act strange” (reaction 1). Next, your husband “started feeling irritated at me for my behavior” (trigger 2) and you “was angered by the fact that he was annoyed at my behavior” (reaction 2). Next, “I found myself angry at so many things.. that girl N” (trigger 3)… “this friend D.. didn’t have the decency to even give us a wedding present.. I’ve helped her endlessly.. no effort to ever visit (trigger 4). Next, you felt angry at yourself “as I felt I had undone so much of (recent progress)” (trigger 5). Next, you sent an angry email to D, “he (D’s ex boyfriend).. calls my husband.. then a huge paragraph text.. why the hell would Cali Chica send that.. Now my husband is stressed.. and feels embarrassed (reaction/attempted solution 6, and trigger 6).

    Here are the things you did to calm the frenzy:

    1. You had a conversation with your husband, it worked and you relaxed, no negative consequences.

    2. You sent D an email, maybe it made you feel better temporarily, not sure, but backfired.

    3. You “re read all of  our posts on this new thread.. in which I have done ‘groundbreaking work'”, you talked sense to yourself, (“you sent a Hasty email.. But so what. It’s not people in your inner circle…”) and you posted to me, receiving my replies.

    -The result: more healing, more learning and seeing what is next on your healing path: “You (anita) gave me permission and you didn’t judge me for the email.. so you helped me not judge myself.. I see this from above again. I was able to climb up as the squirrel did a week ago.. I was able to see the whole scenario piece by piece.. I noticed the benefit of  seeing squirrel life from below and above. That once you get a glimpse from above- you know you are capable of climbing there… It can be ugly and strange the way it’s released. But who said the path isn’t windy?… this will further my work of releasing anger at My mother that is  often redirected everywhere else”.

    Now, looking at the whole thing: I want to get the email out of the way first: it is a good idea to send her an email regarding your disappointment in her behavior, but better make it direct, quite short but detailed and clear enough to make your feelings known. It would be an assertive and fair reaction on your part to her rude behavior (her and her ex boyfriend not giving you a wedding present so long after the wedding and her ex coming up with .. we were thinking of taking you  out to dinner.. is bs. It angers me as I type this). I think that any socialization with her or her ex boyfriend following an assertive email (if you choose to send a follow up assertive email to her), is very unwise, it will harm your emotional health.

    Notice that having a conversation with your husband helped you, good thing. Notice how you did a few things to help yourself and you did help yourself.. and your husband. Excellent job.

    In the future, today, tomorrow, any day, catch the frenzy early, in the first or two trigger stage, notice the escalation of frenzy in its beginning stages and de-escalate it.

    anita

    #302281

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for taking the time to go back and re-evaluate and analyze my situation.

    1) I did think about sending a follow up assertive email. First to clear up the perhaps unclear first email. Second – to be direct and make sure this person knows she’s a disappointmentEtc.

    In the past I would have very much wanted to do this. But I have learned a lot – a lot about disappointing people – that they are in fact… disappointing.

    If you express yourself candidly to a disappointing person – you will “never” get the sort of response you want. If you want no response and are just getting it out –well why?

    Will explaining yourself to this person lead to any value. Maybe If you want to repair this relationship or give it another chance. But that’s not the case with myself (now) and such people. Whether it is my mother or someone as unimportant as D.

    First I should ask myself – do I even want this person in my life? If the answer is no – then do no more. In these scenarios it is a blessing the person is distanced from you (naturally in the case OF D). Actively of course in the case of my mother (of course by no means any comparison to any other person or situation by far).

    What you wrote about catching the frenzy or triggers in the early stages 1 or 2 is what a lot of my self directed anger was towards. I see that now as you outlined (so well) the scenario above. I feel annoyed that I can’t “stop” the frenzy until it reaches rock bottom sometimes. Not being able to catch it at stage 1 or 2 – or at point of trigger 1 or 2. That is an important goal forMe.  For not just myself but to lead to less potential future frenzy onto my husband.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by  Cali Chica.
    #302293

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I will read your recent post (and anything you may want to add to  it)when I am back to the computer Monday morning. I hope you have a relaxing rest of the weekend.

    anita

    #302363

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    “First I should ask myself- do I even want this person in my life? If the  answer is no- then do no more”- it has a nice rhyme to it, this sentence, “if the answer is no- then do no more”- I like it.

    Your anger toward yourself for not stopping the frenzy early on is not helpful. Empathy toward yourself will calm the frenzy, anger toward yourself will feed the frenzy.

    And by the way, when D’s ex boyfriend sent a message to your husband regarding an email you sent to D, your husband should have responded to the ex bf this way:

    -What is between CC and D is between the two, none of my business. If  D has a problem with CC, she should contact CC directly, not take the long, indirect route of contacting two people in between.

    Following that message, your husband should have said nothing at all to you because it is none of his business what you emailed D and the  indirect route D took.

    anita

    #302485

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Empathy toward yourself will calm the frenzy, anger toward yourself will feed the frenzy.

    This is so Incredibly foreign it’s like reading advanced calculus. You know it’s correct as it’s a fact, but it’s entirely not innate.  When I said thank you for not judging my email it was along that line – helping me not judge myself first of all. I notice how harsh I am with myself. I notice how I focus more energy on what I do wrong and now I approach things wrong – and less on empathy.

    I know this social “busyness” has been very detrimental for a long time. Not just for myself but also my husband. He doesn’t have the same background or upbringing as I, but he too is noticing the increasingly less and less “benefit” toaling yourself available to many friends.

    If you take away all the aspects of my background and mother — at simple baseline when we met we had this in common. We were both Incredibly social brings with large groups of friends each. We had gone through college and medical school valuing friendships and having a great time in this manner. Especially meeting and living in NYC in the late 20s it was a very special time when we met.

    Fast forward to now. I know what I know. He too has had Many examples of his own.  Like the friend that came over on the 4th – the one with the horrific wife. This man is a what my husband would call one of his best friends. And over the years he has become increasingly flakey, unreliable etc. I noticed this about 2 years ago first when I had a get together – then again at a mutual friends wedding. Point of the story is – we talk a lot recently, my husband and I about this.

    About the fact that people do what they want when they want how they want. They unlike us, don’t make themselves available when inconvenient to their own selves or life.

    We talk about now (led by me but he sees it too more and more especially after this past weekend) that instead of hating these people – we have to stop being foolish and must re prioritize our own lives. We can’t have fear. We too can do what we want and what we should.

    It’s time now to cut out all that nonsense. Now does that mean we live in a bubble and have no friends. Of course not. But it will take a shift in perspective. The idea that socializing is not beneficial for what we need – for our healing and personal restoration as a couple.

    I in my life have seen time and again the concept of being shown a certain “lesson ” over and over until I finally accept it. Many people can say the same.  With this friendship aspect I have been writing this to you for years now.

    This is the Pinnacle. The idea of each friends face on a dart – pop pop pop. Feeling anger and annoyance at even kind friends.

    The feeling of anger and annoyance at myself. Im going to tap into that more right now whatever comes to mind…

    I know that this is not a one and done easy lesson. Oh CC don’t you see how giving away your energy to friends is showing you time and again – your Demise. As in you feel so strung out and then what you have left you give away. Now you have even less left for yourself and husband. Or perhaps you feel down inside feel anger. How dare these people act how they want!! When they’re busy or occupied they never would take the time to accommodate myself or husband. But look at us – always making time for people in our most mutually busy lives. All for what!

    Well all for the fact that we value socialness. But aren’t we just idiots – or are we disappointed. Disappointed that the real world exists of many people who are self oriented. Or people who change as they get older becoming more selfish especially if they marry someone who is a certain way or controlling.

    Or perhaps these are all small details and the universe wants me to learn. I picture it taking a wooden rolling pin and beating me down with the lesson. Not violent just a smack. Smack see look at S and how she was able to enjoy her own engagement – look at the feelings it brought up in you about yours.

    Smack look at your fourth of July and how you “allowed” others to take all your precious energy. Attending to idiots who came and went as they pleased.  Look at 400 other examples. So many of which are outlined in this previous thread. Smack smack smack. Did you learn it yet?

    No – perhaps because you are too hopeful for humanity? Expecting people to not be so selfish and truly “show up.” Even people like D Or her ex when you know they aren’t that reliable – still seeing the good over the bad and expecting more. But then being smacked by the true reality of them.

    Maybe that is too hopeful. Or maybe it’s that it’s just outward. Sure we are social beings. But who else extends themselves this much? No one I know. Clearly others preserve their own first.

    So looping back around. The universe has shown me Time and again that I, CC (take my husband out of the convo now) do NOT want to give my energy away. I do it as a knee jerk reaction and habit – and then become resentful to that person and myself. It’s a pattern.

    Give it away when I am depleted and then resent the friend or person/ and my own self most importantly for allowing this. What a silly cycle.

    Over and over and over.

    Of course all of my problems do not lie in over extending myself.  Because then that would be only blaming one aspect. I have frenzy at baseline – even if I was to be in a box for 3 months. But I think this is a huge component of it.

    Back to July 2 when I was able to successfully complete my experiment of silence with the mean lady. I’ve been away from that for a few days and it sounds – well childish!

    I am thinking about it and read the post again. It reads as a child making a big deal of pouting and giving someone the silent treatment. I say this not to put myself down as a child..

    But I see this pattern same as I did with my mother. My mother would have so many stories. Oh finally I told that woman off! Oh finally I was able to not talk back – oh this and that. She would have so many scenarios where she was agitated by others and it affected her so much.

    I know my story isn’t the same and I don’t want to put down any progress of my own. But seeing it from far right now I see this young girl CC who is so sensitive. She’s small with wide eyes and so aware of her surroundings. She’s taking it all in at lightning speed – no filter. Taking all the stimuli trying to process it fast no shield.

    I guess after writing above – I took a small break – I see one thing. CC is SO affected by her surroundings.  She finds herself giving plenty of energy away to friends. She finds herself not having the patience to act with love and kindness to her husband. A person that Maintains this towards her although becoming increasingly resentful and impatient.

    She is working on it. But constantly gets pulled every which way. To the left to the right. Feeling pulled, but more importantly allowing herself to be pulled. She is starting to see how much of a role she has in this personally. She can’t learn lessons daily if she lets herself be pulled.

    She isn’t the average Joe with average needs. She needs to see herself as different. Okay she saw it. But she needs to give herself permission.

    You said something that really struck me the other day. Along the lines of: a person overlooking all of my actions, collecting every email etc and keeping tabs and judging so to speak.

    The concept of an over arching being that is saying oh look at CC doing this, saying that, no doing this.

    Perhaps it’s the mother voice – the mother looking over and judging. Saying oh how sad rhats not the CC I know. Holding onto a tight version of her  – maybe the S the super cali chica SCC

    So if CC relinquishes the role of Super Social. Then what’s more – is there still super? As in if one aspect is conquered (the silly social busy-ness as you call it, the giving energy away) then I am still left with the baseline frenzy

    Then I have no distractions away from being aware of triggers and baseline.

    So daily frenzy, the bird. Not the squirrel today the bird. Bird bobble head back and forth back and forth. Constant battle with himself.

    This bird hates himself for the frenzy and the fact that he spills it over to his bird friend – husband. Knows it. But feels unable to stop it. But the bird can’t sit still.  He must fend for himself and find food constantly. Day and night.

    But what is the bird was given an endless supply of food and nice shelter. Would he still bobble back and forth in frenzy. Well yes. He wouldn’t know how to accept this new “safe space.” He wouldn’t be used to it; and perhaps it would feel odd and uncomfortable. Too easy – something has to be missing!

    I think this is why I avoid sitting with My frenzy and task at hand. The task of focusing on my teammate. I have visuals of being on a mountain or island for a month all alone. Yet in real life I don’t create this scenario – when to a point I can.

    I feel easily distracted and burdened by this. And just like the bird. I can go to a safe space – retreat in it. The space where I only worry about myself and husband. But it doesn’t feel like a retreat at all. It feels wrong maybe or foreign.

    Well I would give the bird the advice of –sit in it longer.  The safe space. It is good for you in the long term. Don’t worry you won’t lose all your skills. You don’t have to be challenged daily, you’re allowed some rest. I give you permission.

    #302505

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    You can undo it. This understandable, valid, long term anger can be released, its repressed force expressed and that release will allow affection and love to be your natural state.

    I know my last post was lengthy. Yet after journaling all of that – this above quote is it. Back to it. Some regression over last few days on the windy road that is the path.

    Relinquishing the S from SSCC one at a time. First the super social – next the super (so much goes into the title of super and thats fodder for another post). Once the S’s are released it’s back to CC. Natural state. The renewed natural state of who I am now

    #302523

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    “I notice how harsh I am with myself. I notice how I focus more energy on what I do wrong”- your mother was harsh on you and was convincing when she focused on what you did wrong. Her mental rep keeps doing the same to you. Your father was visibly very angry at you at times, so no parent was gentle with you on an ongoing basis, focusing on what you do right and expressing empathy for you.

    The busyness, making “yourself available to many friends”- I thought about it earlier, it is as if you are paid let’s say 100 dollars per text sent to a friend, 1000 dollars per call made to a friend… and maybe 10,000 dollars per visit, I am making up the amounts, trying to match the high costs of living in nyc, lol (my first lol in my communication with you, and maybe the last, I want it noted).

    “We had gone through college and medical school valuing friendships and having a great time in this manner”- in school, from kindergarten all the way to college, friends are a very high priority, a focus that is later replaced with career and chosen family (spouse, children).

    Young people are just too needy for friends, it being a measure of success as well, but later in life, focus changes. When you don’t change your focus and remain stuck in adolescence in this regard, chasing friends, it is a dysfunction. As you and your husband realize, others “don’t make themselves available when inconvenient to their own selves or life”-

    – teenagers make themselves available this way, whenever, whatever… adults don’t.

    “We have to stop being foolish and must re prioritize our own lives”- yes, catch up with the times, you are no longer teenagers and your peers are not teenagers!

    “look at us- always making time for people in our most mutually busy lives. All for what!”- yes, for what..?!

    “but aren’t we just idiots”?  In this regard, if I may say so, the answer is: yes, you are.

    Again, young people, k- college, are very needy of friends, this is why it their high priority, often, #1 priority. Your husband and yourself need to adjust to the fact that you are no longer in school, no longer teenagers/ young adults and that time in nyc when you met, that was a bit extra time you got with friends being #1 priority, this time is gone.

    “Sure we are social beings. But who else extends themselves this much?”- teenagers.

    “I do it as a knee jerk reaction and habit”- after all, your mother gave you a treat of sorts, approval, every time you brought a friend home to play (before she complained about it), and she gave you a treat, that is, approval, when you found a friend to visit, so that is in that knee-jerk-reaction-and-habit.

    “She (your mother) would have so many scenarios where she was agitated by others”- having been that mental unit with her (“small with wide eyes.. taking it all in.. no filter”), those other people are still agitating you, that is, part of your agitation, at the least, is her agitation activated.

    “So if CC relinquishes the role of Super Social. Then what’s  more- is there still super?

    Closing input: you are no longer in contact with your mother, the most influential person by far, in your mind and life. But you didn’t process your emotions in regard to your experience of her being in your life. Those emotions are intense and repressed and they are creating that baseline anxiety.

    It is time to do just that, to express your anger at her, your anger at them (all the people who allegedly hurt her.. and those who really did hurt her long, long ago), anger and frustration about how hard you tried and failed to get what you needed from her and whatever is there, repressed and distressing to you. Those emotions will not go away unless and until expressed a whole lot. Try it, see how it feels. Here if you want, if you can.

    anita

    #302533

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I read each part of your post and understood it and processed it completely. That felt nice – like I was able to write to you earlier today In a way where I was not frenzied, and able to receive your input with full attention.

    Now to the most important aspect:

    It is time to do just that, to express your anger at her,

    your anger at them (all the people who allegedly hurt her.. and those who really did hurt her long, long ago),

    anger and frustration about how hard you tried and failed to get what you needed from her and

    whatever is there, repressed and distressing to you. Those emotions will not go away unless and until expressed a whole lot

    I’ll try to go one by one so it feels less jumbled or insurmountable. By the way- before I begin, I thoroughly enjoyed your use of lol! Made me smile!

    Oh and another thing. Thank you for explaining the focus on friends as you did. As you know I am a visual and analogy type person. The way you described it, the comparison of teenagers to grown adult / resonates quite well. As does the monetary example, in fact I have said many times how it feels it’s “my job to be a good friend.” Or “I should be paid for this.” Jokingly (and now not so much)  clearly I have been hinting at this for a long time – not having come to terms with it for a variety of different reasons.

    okay so back to the anger – the real stuff.

    I’ll type whatever comes to mind, without edit, but use the quote above as a guideline.

    Mothers choose to be mothers (except in certain circumstances they don’t or are forced) but in all cases that are relavent to our conversation this applies. So you choose to be a mother, whether you are mentally mature enough or not. Fine. Culturally married off young before you know yourself, to a stranger man, now shipped off into a stranger country.

    But see – you’re not a stranger to your own daughter. She is not a stranger to you. In fact – out of all the above, she’s all you actually have. That’s yours. Your own.

    And you treated this person worse than a stranger. Taking all of your insecurities and inadequateness onto this daughter. Your own child. Using the child as a puppet and mop. mopping up your own sorrow.

    But see you didn’t see wrong. As apparently you feel entitled to the fact that this is how children are supposed to be treated. How often you made me feel I should feel lucky to be born to her, yet what a silly thing to say to someone who has no choice. Pushing it onto culture – that in our culture children care about their parents. That in fact their sole purpose is to make their parents happy. And look how easy I have it.

    You know funny thing is. I don’t have any examples of you doing anything for your parents do I? Being the doting daughter. Oh okay it was a different time, and you were sent off to America so young. But what about when you moved here and your mother with severe depression was back home. You tried many times to have her move here to help her. She didn’t want to come. Fine.

    But did you dedicate the rest of your life to then be sad for her? To suffer on her behalf?! To give up all your happiness because your poor mother suffers daily – so how could you ever have joy. No. I never heard this out of your mouth. And if it was the case I would have heard it. Because you never shut up.

    So no. You had no guilt in regards to your mother. And she truly suffered , her mental health leading to her own demise – objectively.

    I never once heard any guilt or shame on your part – ever. Even after she passed away so trsgicly.

    Yet you stupid selfish uneducated idiot expect me to have that for you?! Not that it’s a game or competition. That If you didn’t do it why should I? No- because suffering on “behalf” of someone isn’t really a thing. It’s a bunch of BS that leads to dysfunctional generations to come.

    How interesting for you to want something from me that you never experienced onyour own. That guilt shame and empathy for a mother. How interesting.

     

    #302535

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    It is hard to say I hate you for what you did to my brain, because it feels odd to hate someone for something that wasn’t done intentionally. It feels analogous to saying “God I hate my mom for dying and leaving me an orphan.”

    But this is untrue. My mother didn’t die, and she wasn’t put into a circumstance against her own will In which her daughter’s life had to be miserable. It is entirely self induced. All of my teuama is directly from her. Not indirect. And that is why I cannot stand indirect people or action. Just fess up. Own it. Cowards.

    So I should say loud and clear – I hate you for ruining my brain. But it doesn’t feel natural.

    Maybe because I sometimes trick myself and don’t think my brain is “ruined” since I am so functional. Self trickery. Easy to overlook the damage when I’m not sitting here writing to you or talking about it directly.

    I should say I hate you for ruining my brain. Because it should be hate , or if not hate – anger. One has every reason to despise someone who emotionally abused them their whole life. I mean I definitely am disgusted when I hear such stories. Yet there is dissociation with this sort of sentiment towards my own life.

    Perhaps I am too busy still acting like everything is fine? The trickery. Perhaps I haven’t felt the horrible depths just yet. Just the surface. Surface level of dysfunction being seen. Not the true depth of horridness. Perhaps unable to fathom it all.

    I know I’m not holding back because I have hope or sympathy for her. But I also know I can’t gauge the full depth. Well that’s what this work is for.

    I look outside right now at a beautiful scene. A peaceful scene for once. And I know that my mother cursed my brain so much that no matter where I go or what I do – I am cursed with frenzy. She cursed me with the inability to be still and she robbed my joy.

    We know this. So what’s next. Well she not only did this but made me feel bad for it, or responsible. I believed it.

    I look at the events of this past weekend now and I see a child running around the house in panic and frenzy. Where should I go, what should I say?! And a mother who doesn’t console her at all. No she adds to the frenzy- she says oh God why did you have a horrible person over your house – are you stupid!!! Oh God why did you send such a humiliating email, God are you so stupid and foolish. Oh what did we teach you?!

    Yes what did you teach me. You taught me that frenzy is the way. That this life is suffering and that frenzy is our lot in life. You didn’t teach me about self guidance. You didn’t teach me self trust. You don’t trust your own self – how could you? But as I look back I also see that if you taught me all this – you wouldn’t have been a legal to control me. It’s beyond your inability- it goes into control manipulation and evil.

    Now as you know – I have trouble often understanding large intricate concepts without analogy or “small world examples.”

    I see my husband’s friends wife: Ni we will call her. Ni too is controlling. She has Insecurities and deep rooted anger from previous incidents in her life. Instead of processing them, she found a perfect innocent victim to control. To make into her puppet and mop. Dance puppet dance. He does. Move away from your family it will be a better life (so I can control you fully) he says okay. Be better look better – he says yes you’re right.

    Seeing it from the outside it seems surprising. Especially since Ni is nothing special or “powerful” in presence. But that’s just it. So many evil beings do this day in and day out. To their children, spouses, others. I don’t want to be abusive anymore. Not to my husband – not to anyone. I never want to be anything close To Ni.

    You, mother, brainwashed me about people like Ni. Those are the people who made you the most mad. Oh how you hated the power and control they had. Especially if it was invisible from the outside –

    Oh look how that ugly woman can control her husband! What a shame for him.

    Oh how that horrible man treats his sweet innocent wife.

    So many opinions constantly about other “evil” people. Day in and day out. To the point that this is all I see mostly.

    Yet I never saw the one right in front of my nose. Never. Even now as I type I know I’m just scratching the surface. Just a little dust off the surface.

    It feels utterly impossible for my life to not be controlled by others. By the thought of others, my thoughts about them, my opinions about them, anything. It rules my brain and it rules my life – like a disease – like a cancer.

    You gave your daughter a disease – but told her daily how lucky and privileged she is. She didn’t deal it, because she is in fact “diseased” so she suffered more. Gosh why cant I appreciate it. And so you would kick her more and more. What’s wrong with you ungrateful child.

    So she ran and ran and ran. Ran to find appreciation and freedom from distress.  Ran and ran and ran her way through life – still running.

     

    #302539

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I am trying or aiming at preparing you, Cali Chica, to do this anger exercise successfully. For that purpose, let’s look at your recent post at all that is blocking your anger at her:

    1. She was not mentally mature enough to be a mother (“whether you are mentally mature enough or not”) – can’t get angry at a woman who became a mother while not mature enough…

    2. She was “Culturally married off young.. to a stranger man”- can’t get angry at a woman who was forced into an arranged marriage and so forth.

    Then you bargain with her: you wanted me to dedicate my life to you… how come you didn’t dedicate your life to your parents? You wanted me to feel sad for you, how come you didn’t feel sad for your own mother? (“I don’t have any examples of you doing anything for your parents do I? … did you dedicate the rest of your life to then be sad for her?”)

    For this exercise to be effective, you have to not include in it reasons to not get angry at her (stating excuses for her behavior) and to not bargain with her, that is, to not refer  to her behavior regarding her parents.

    Let’s look at the good part for the exercise, in your recent post: “You treated this person worse than a stranger. Taking all of your insecurities and inadequateness onto this daughter. Your own child. Using the child as a puppet and mop, mopping up your own sorrow.. apparently you feel entitled.. How often you made me feel  I should feel lucky to be born  to her… dedicate the rest  of your life to then be sad.. To suffer on her behalf?! To give up all your happiness because your poor mother suffers daily… you never shut up… you stupid selfish uneducated idiot.. a bunch of BS”.

    Now rewrite this, make it personal and strong: “You treated this person worse”- should be, you treated me worse. Make it personal, no excuses, make it direct, you can use profane words but hidden, such as sh**. Don’t try to appear intelligent, educated, understanding, taking all factors into consideration. You don’t have to look at what you wrote and edit it. You can start anew.

    anita

     

     

     

    #302545

    anita
    Participant

    * I didn’t read your second post before I submitted the above. Please don’t post before I submit my second post to follow.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 6 days, 22 hours ago by  anita.
    #302549

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Don’t try to appear intelligent, educated, understanding, taking all factors into consideration. You don’t have to look at what you wrote and edit it. You can start anew

    Amazing. Yes I do try to do this. It’s a mask and shield. I will try again with your guidance thanks. To be continued…

    #302551

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    You started your recent post with a reason why you can’t or shouldn’t be angry at her: “it feels odd to hate someone for something that wasn’t done intentionally”. Then you continue with emotionally removed, analytical thinking (not angry).

    Let’s look at what you wrote about your husband’s friend’s wife: “she found a perfect innocent victim.. To make into her puppet and mop. Dance puppet dance. He does… “-

    – your husband’s friend, he was not and is not “a perfect innocent victim” because he was an adult when he met his wife. It is you who were the “perfect innocent victim” because you were a .. fetus when you came about, in her and through her. And it is you who were a puppet, dancing, literally, for your mother’s amusement.

    I suggest you do the exercise as I suggested in my previous post to you.

    anita

     

     

    #302563

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I have been told many times in my life that I would be a great lawyer. For many reasons Including that I am: well spoken (I know not always on here as typing what comes to mind), great at seeing both sides of the story, and able to expertly communicate a situation, difficulty, relationship etc. In addition just recently my landlord stated I was an “impressive expert negotiator” since we were handling and issue together.

    I see today – none of these qualities are beneficial to my healing. They keep me in a dissociative state where I explain and speak and educate – but don’t get true emotion out. Almost like a politician. But unlike the typical politician – I don’t actually feel any of this in my heart. I don’t actually have true ignorance for others and only value for myself and my needs.

    Seeing your repsonse to mysecond post I see that I have true ignorance to the reality of my situation. So used to paintings pictures and speaking – I have along the way not ever expressed true raw anger, curse words, whatever it may be to my own life. Ever!!!

    Never feeling composed but perhaps always seeming this way. Getting worked up over things like sending a Hasty email – but never saying FU you and your s*** behavior. Feeling entirely uncomfortable with this and it feeling unknown and foreign. Being perfect happy SCC for so long not knowing how to unravel and be angry.

    Able to spew and roar onto my husband – spit fire. Yet not true anger.

    Interesting.

    I will try again.

    #302571

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    If you are at work, and I am guessing you are, you can’t have a glass of wine. But a glass of wine (with oranges, the way I like it), helped me in doing this kind of exercise. Getting a bit tipsy loosens that lawyer/ politician type of communicating and getting in touch with emotion. I am not recommending becoming an alcoholic, and/ or harming one’s health, of course. But what can I say… worked for me, tipsy, not drunk.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 6 days, 21 hours ago by  anita.
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