July 9, 2019 at 10:18 am #302575
You (mother) never valued my emotions. You made me into this strong almighty being but you’re stupid and disgusting. A stupid prostitute that had an affair your disgusting outfits and make up – clown like!
How did you teach me anything! It’s like a dumb uneducated whore taking her daughter to Harvard Interviews and acting like she has a clue what she’s doing and what life is about. How disgusting.
I literally terrorize my mind daily 100000 times per day – yet you sleep soundly. You with your stupid body that you think is gods gift to men – just a mush of fat. The stretch marks you so “charmingly” remind my sister and I were the result of her sacrifice of motherhood. Shut the hell up you idiot. Your stretch marks aren’t unique. And the fact that you never lost the baby weight is because you’re an unmotivated shell of a person that can do absolutely nothing. You have e done nothing in your life, zero progress. Co tributed nothing to the world. Congratulations for terrorizing me – do you want a diploma?!
And how the hell do you dare not just put me down but an entire family (my husband’s) that is outside your own. Some nerve you have. Some nerve. You think you’re so innocent and unlucky and subdued. You’re a lion. Who the hell calls up strangers and barks orders at them like Donald Trump. Who do you think you are?!
I remember shortly after I got married you mentioned you wanted to go on a vacation. Of course you did – that’s all you know how to do. I was kind of to discuss with you. Like a puppet fool. And your response is, I would ask you to come but I know you’ll be to busy with HIM.
You f–ing idiot. That him is my husband. That person remember – that person you wanted me.to find my whole entire life. Would terrorize me about in my 20s and harass and threaten me about. Oh ya him. Oh yes the guy I met that you adored and went around town boasting about. Ya that’s him you idiot
Yes that same HIM that you beat down just like you beat me down.
So now you want to be envious of Ni?! Well look at you 4 foot nothing blob with no education, taking the livelihood from 2 young physicians that have their entire lives ahead of them. Making them both feel old and worn and hopeless. Are you happy now idiot parrot. Parrot pecking at me over and over stupid parrot voice – mother voice. Peck peck peck.July 9, 2019 at 10:22 am #302577
I read your response after I already posted above. It made me smile from deep down inside, makes me want to go to a wine store and buy the most citrus full wine and add a perfect sliver of orange. Take a big gulp and breathe and type feverishly! Oh how I love this. Oh and I’ve done this many times to you – not sure which and when. But a handful of times at least! When I can do this again (at home or at a wine bar etc) I will surely use the opportunity to express more loosely 🙂 I’ll continue after your response to the aboveJuly 9, 2019 at 10:41 am #302583
Dear Cali Chica:
Your second recent post brought the first smile of the day to my face, thank you!
Your first post, excellent job, I felt my anger rising as I read it. I sure did. Good job. Continue anytime you can or want to, there is a lot more of that anger that is there!
anitaJuly 9, 2019 at 10:44 am #302589
How dare you (parrot) take away my most precious moments. I was on the cliffs of one of the most spectacular beach scenes of my life. Getting proposed to. PROPOSED!!!
And I was not present. Where was my mind?! With you of course. You stole it and never gave it back. You don’t own me. You are a small stupid troll that takes and takes- and you never gave me back.
I always have said you wanted me to have wings, but clipped them so I could not fly.
I am so damn sick and tired of explaining this analogy to idiots. To idiots and friends who are like oh my. Shut the f up. I don’t want to hear your commentary. You’re all stupid. Stupid and inexperienced in my trauma. Does that make me better than you? No. But does it make me more experienced, Insightful, stronger, and smarter. Yes. Absolutely yes.
That’s why I only want to talk to a few people now who are equally strong and smart. Not dumb idiots who sit around pondering the weather.
So no S, I don’t care where you have your welcome party. When you ask me for reccs I don’t care to give you any. Do I know some. Yes. But your wedding is the last thing that i want to be Concerned about. I hate myself for even caring about it. I want to only care about me. I don’t want to be your right hand girl – friend and confidante. No. I don’t. Did I want you to be that for me. Yes. And were you? Yes.
But I am not obligated to do the same!!!! Make me want to scream. You never asked me to do anything – you never would. But it’s me!!! I put this pressure on me to give you attention and be Involved in this happy time in your life. But every time it comes up I cringe. You don’t do anything to involve me directly or annoy me extremely – but it’s still so damn annoying!!!
I don’t think you (S) have a clue about anything. You talk a big game. Oh you would never want to get married at a hotel, you much prefer a more unique venue. Oh and you want this and that.
And look what you chose for your May 2020 wedding. A place that’s none of that. So no you’re not different or special or unique.
Your stupid email almost a year in advance about how the hotel rooms are expensive and you want a rough headcount?! Umm who knows where they’re going to be staying for a wedding almost 12 months away. And if you’re so big on making your wedding chill and Fun – then why don’t you pick a chill fun hotel that’s not $350 a night. Ya unsubscribe to that email.
How cheap you are when it comes to your own life. And you expect US your guests to pay allthat for YOU just to attend YOUR wedding?! Get the hell out of here.
As each aspect of your wedding is told to me – the more I feel annoyed by you – when you called the other day I was filled with dread. Do you think I have time for you and your unawareness. How you’re on a budget but parents want to Invite 600 people to the wedding, fine I know our culture – but you expect guests to stay at a hotel that’s over $330 per night.</div>
<div>Yes I can afford it but I don’t want to. I DONT WANT TOOOOOOOO AAAAHHHHH</div>
July 9, 2019 at 10:52 am #302595
- This reply was modified 6 days, 21 hours ago by Cali Chica.
Dear Cali Chica:
Your recent post about S, for crying out loud, you don’t need that headache ! And the guests paying for her wedding, using the guests this way.. why would you be a part of that… (I feel angry).
anitaJuly 9, 2019 at 11:00 am #302599
Background of Indian weddings. Everyone has these huge elaborate weddings with over 400 people over 100k expense. When I say everyone I mean in the community I’m in which is middle to upper middle class.
It sounds horrible and pretentious but not always so. It’s just that the parents save up so they can throw their kids these grand events and the invite all their friends. In our culture the weddings are more for the “family.” For parents to invite the whole community etc.
I know I’m also so jaded bc I can’t freaking go to any more weddings mentally after mine. When I say I can’t I mean don’t want to(Indian ones). We have 5 weddings this summer. Anita one summer we had 8. This summer only 2 Indian out of the 5. The others will be more chill and laid back – and I wont be actively Involved per se because they are my husband’s friends.
So the reason for this nonsense. Well Anita it’s your best friends wedding (well very close friend; my first best friend is My husband and sister and dog lol). So you support in every way.
Oh and to clarify when you go to the wedding you usually stay at the hotel for one night since it ends late. The comments about the $350 hotel are in regards to the cost of the hotel at her venue. The anger comes from- you have enough money to invite 600 people to your wedding. But not enough to find a more appropriate hotel accommodation for guests that’s not $350. In fact in this scenario my father in law would say. Why don’t we invite 100 less people and pay for the hotel rooms of our close guests so that they are not burdened by this cost to attend OUR wedding. That’s courtesy.
July 9, 2019 at 11:10 am #302605
- This reply was modified 6 days, 20 hours ago by Cali Chica.
Dear Cali Chica:
There’s your first lol.
Placing myself in your shoes, every wedding invitation I get, in its earliest stage will bring about my thought: not another one, no, don’t want to!!!
anitaJuly 9, 2019 at 11:12 am #302607
Yes, what do you think about my explanation of S To you in regards to her wedding (and cultural context) and the edit I made explaining the $350 hotel?July 9, 2019 at 11:24 am #302615
I’ll read your reply, in the mean time I thought about how my anger at S and wedding is probably anger at the stupid culture of these weddings – and how it doesn’t actually value anything. If she or other brides valued friends ore than the production – they wouldn’t pick such expensive hotels.
So the whole wedding aspect of my culture I think I am disgusted at – and S and her wedding planning shows me that more and more.
Also reminds me of how I time and again put the needs of others before myself. My husband same if not more. We would NEVER ever send an email like that. My in laws would feel so shameful as well. They would say “if we have the money to throw such a big wedding – we surely have the money to make it easier on many of our guests.” Thinking of others before themselves.
S email just reminds me of how most people don’t think about others. She didn’t have shame and guilt sending that ridiculous email. Why? So many people do that for Indian weddings. Who cares! But I would care. It just shows how people continue to do what suits them and makes their lives easier and have no concern how that looks or affects others.July 9, 2019 at 11:25 am #302617
Dear Cali Chica:
I think your father in law thinking, inviting less people, close guests and paying for their hotel accommodations is the way to go. I do not like guests having to pay $350 for accommodations, in addition to travel and gifts and whatnot. Maybe if a guest has a lot of extra money, and money is not an issue, but it is not right to burden people like that.
anitaJuly 9, 2019 at 11:44 am #302625
for crying out loud, you don’t need that headache
Is right. That’s it. I don’t. The only reason I will go is out of obligation and friendship. I’m not sure if you read my post before this as it pasted at the same time as your reply. It starts with “I’ll read your reply”
I don’t need any headache Anita. No one else’s at least – I have my own daily (lol again)
Please remind me again when necessary –that I don’t need external headaches will you? Thanks in advance!!
And yes another reminder of how people can be kind and good friends, but still selfish in the sense of getting their needs met in any way without regards to shame and guilt.
So much shame and guilt I have to relinquish!
I’ll continue with whatever flows.
So I think it’s ridiculous that people just do whatever they want. God. But we talked about it before Anita the concept of them “getting away with it.” It’s useless way to see it.
More importantly is the concept of shifting focus. Not acting like idiot teenagers for God’s sake!!!
But the shame Anita oh the shame! My mother planted the shame and guilt tree deep didn’t she? Everything guilt and shame. Don’t answer a text – guilt. Don’t attend an event – guilt.
Yes I am working on it. I think a key is the exprirement. Just like the one with mean lady doc.
Do it and see what happens. Ta da!
Nothing! You didn’t feel so bad after all did you. Perhaps with this practice and NOT explaining myself , just doing (such as simply not answering S phone calls and being distant on text and not involved or enthusiastic) is key.
Just do itJuly 9, 2019 at 12:22 pm #302627
Dear Cali Chica:
I got a headache just reading about that wedding in a few posts, so I took a break. (I don’t want to read more about it, truly, it is unpleasant).
I will remind you about you not needing unnecessary headaches either. You are right, lots of people are selfish, so watch of others’ selfishness and don’t avail yourself to being used, or misused by others, being taken advantage of. But notice, your mother complained about other people getting away with .. selfishness is what she meant, but she got away with the same behavior herself, with her two innocent, vulnerable girls.
Don’t misuse others and don’t allow others to misuse you, both.
Regarding the shame and guilt… anger will help with that. It will be a process, expressing your anger and all.
About culture, I grew up in the Moroccan culture (although not in Morocco, never been there), very focused on hospitality and feeding the hell out of anyone and everyone, strangers, everyone, going the whole way to accommodate guests. I have a very hard time being in someone’s home, for example, and that someone not offering me anything to eat or drink. I am half Moroccan, by the way, half Romanian.
anitaJuly 9, 2019 at 12:33 pm #302631
Wow just wow! Morocco is one of my FAVORITE PLACES IN THE ENTIRE WORLD! I will elaborate more on that one day.
I knew it! I knew you had a unique background. And I don’t want this to sound strange but omg the beauty! Moroccan and Romanian wow exquisite. Oh Anita I feel even more true “affection” towards you – I also feel a closeness to you further than before knowing that you have cultural understanding from an “ethnic” or immigrant perspective as well.
Wow – I feel amazed and I feel a nice sweetness.July 9, 2019 at 1:10 pm #302635
Dear Cali Chica:
I felt comfortable sharing that with you, comfortable. I share that nice sweetness you mentioned, telling by the smile on my face and the nice feeling in my heart.
anitaJuly 10, 2019 at 1:11 am #302691
Comfort is important. True comfort that is. Developed and “earned”
I recall in my 20s finding “comfort” way too easily. Trusting the judgement and opinions of people who far from deserved this sort of value, respect or “adoration.” Yet not being grounded to find comfort where I truly needed to – within myself and true supporters (at that time first of all boyfriend)
Can’t get annoyed at the other party – as it was my lack of guidance – not the opposite party’s doing. My blinders.
More than a decade later – that pattern and scenario continues. Perhaps not overtly but covertly. Looking to others as a guide versus my husband and I.
Well that is the work we do here isn’t it?
In My next post I will continue the anger exercise. Rest assured the migraine inducing wedding will not make a return to our conversation. And let it be a reminder for not taking on any un- needed headaches. How much of life stress is from the concept of taking on more headaches when you already have a daily Central one so to speak.