Dear Anita,

I want to hold on close to that nice sweetness. Back to the words we used: softness and tenderness. After our last conversation when you opened up to me about your background. And the interaction we exchanged – it brings me back to the feeling of innate natural CC.

Soft tender and very appreciative of deep human connection.

Dear Anita,

Absolutely not your fault, nor mine. Yet how easy it is to forget that. How easy it is to simply take on this “identity” – of course, we didn’t know better. Even as adults my age or yours – or any – our intelligence can not supercede deeply ingrained emotional patterns.

The sheaths on the neurons can’t be simply peeled away with awareness. It takes daily work doesn’t it. That which we do here.

Yet I want to talk about that innate self. How beautiful it is. To have humor, passion, and a zest for life – despite what we have been through. How incredibly special.

Yes it takes a special person to embark on the journey. On the path. May we always remind ourselves of this pearl. It is this quality that will allow us to move forward each day, always,  no matter what the history and no matter how many steps back the day before. Net forward.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Thank you. Yes I recall that cool grass, slightly wet- Dewey. On a cool morning, beads of water and texture. Vibrant green. The feeling of your feet coming out of your shoes and touching that cool refreshing grass. Oh what a pleasure!

Every time I go to Central Park and I am wearing sandals (summer of course), I make it a point to touch the cool refreshing grass. Nowadays, a respite for often tired achey feet.

Yes that zest comes in many forms. Many to do with nature – just like you described. An appreciation for the vast and ever changing beauty of nature, animals, and yes – human beings.

I love children. Seeing young children play with my dog is exquisite! So much pure joy, surprise, awe, excitement, fearlessness.

There is so much amazement in each day.

That is precisely why many, that think like me, suffer. As they know there is beauty and joy, but are often bogged down by the madness and frenzy within.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

I will continue the anger exercise. It almost makes me laugh – as here I was talking about zest and the simple pleasures of life – and now back to anger!

Well that’s the reality. It’s not enough (for us) to know what we love and enjoy. That’s not difficult or profound. It’s imperative to also understand what hinders us from those moments, in our mind – From within.

I will write what comes to mind without edit.

You (mother) are so foolish. I see you in your weird stupid skirt, frizzy hair and red lipstick. I remember showing my friend a picture of us in Morocco. And we did have a great time- I mean a beautiful country and people now could we not. But I remember showing him this picture and the first thing he said was that you looked crazy. Now this guy was a jokester and extremely brash – but still. So I instantly wanted to defend you. Wow like a parent defending a child! I was about to say oh no don’t say that! That’s my mom’s favorite skirt and she loves bright colors and lipstick. That’s her.

Always jumping to your defense. Painting this smiley amazing unique bright picture of who you are. Of who you told us you are. I was Instantly at your defense. How brainwashed!  And then I looked at it and you look insane!!! Like a psycho 50 something year old wearing random clothes from a child’s closet mixed with luxury items. Ridiculous and tacky and no not bright and unique. That stupid airy smile. What’s behind it. Nothing!

So yes when he said that I should have said – ya you’re right – she looks insane like a clown whore. I look normal and modest compared to her!!!

Always putting on a show were you? The queen? Queen of what? Your own little town where you reigned. Oh how we believed it, my sister and I. That you were the coolest Chick in town growing up. Always having the most fashionable outfits, friends with everyone – happy as a clam.

Oh and how your happy world crashed to an end once you arrived to the US.

But how? So you have zero coping skills, or any skills of value – yet back then as a child and adolescent you were awesome. Hmmm

What kind of story is this? Your autobiography chapter 1 and 2. How stupid. How utterly juvenile and stupid.

Yes you’re a child.   Not a sweet cute innocent one. No a stupid pouty child stuck in an adults body – no a mother’s!

You spent your entire life applauding what type of mother you are. You don’t even know what the definition of mother means. For one it means putting your child first. No really first. Not in the ways you did. But in reality.

Anita told Me I was searching for parental figures and guidance in all of the friendships and people I valued incorrectly. She is right. And even to this day it is hard to see my husband – who helped save me from you – as that sort of “authority” or go to. Yet I do rely and depend on him so heavily for support.

Sound familiar?

You taught me this selfish and destructive behavior- the type that destroys people. You treated dad like this, despite whatever he did. You used him to get “somewhere” which was nowhere and stomped on him. Most of all you did that to me. No wonder this is how I treat the person now closest to me. No wonder! Modeled behavior.

So back to that picture of us. It’s funny how many lies it shows. 1) that you look cool and stylish. 2) that we are best travel buddies 3) that you are a mother and I am a daughter.

1) you look horrendous and clownish and yes embarrassing – no nice clothes don’t only look good on tall people it’s not that – but you need to dress for your age and body you psycho

2) we aren’t best travel buddies. Did you forget I was a medical resident at this time. You’re lucky I have abundant energy back then and enthusiasm. What I truly needed during a vacation was sleep and solace – but I never knew this. No. I loved going everywhere and doing as much as possible. I enjoyed it. But it wasn’t what I NEEDED. It was never about what I needed – it was only ever about what YOU needed. So here I am years later bone tired. So tired.

3) in this picture there is a smiling mother and daughter. But the reality is that it’s a young woman learning about herself and the world (me) and a mentally deranged person feigning motherhood.

It’s a perfectly sane kind person alongside a psychopath that will eat her alive and dangle her around. It’s a motivated dedicated young woman and her pimp next to her, her manager, her circus director.

There’s also a sane strong and smart young doctor, and her major client : her selfishly ailing blood sucking mother.

Dear Anita,

I know you won’t see this until later – and I would like to read your reply to the cutting of the frenzy Fear line – before you read this.

But I would like to journal about what cutting that line is or means – since it is fresh in my mind now.

Seems like cutting the line — hmmm. Catching the frenzy in its tracks. I remember learning- stop drop and roll.

This was ingrained in our brains as kids. Of you sense a fire- stop drop and roll.

Entirely useless it seemed at the time and I haven’t thought about that in over 20 years – but it came to my mind right now.

The visual is stopping in your tracks, dropping to your knees and rolling on the floor.

Stopping in your tracks –

sometimes it’s that simple. I have trouble often not completing the intense or anxious thought or action. For example if someone around me is triggering me for whatever reason – it is hard to in the middle of responding just stop. It feels like a pressure to have to continue. A more direct example would be- a person saying oh I don’t really like NYC don’t know how people can live there … I’ll start my response by saying “oh I can see that, well for some….” And right there I realize I don’t need to be responding or explaining myself or ANYTHING. It’s useless filler talk and feeds the frenzy. But it is difficult to stop it in its tracks. So the convo continues. The few times I have stopped – such as above I started saying “oh yes I can see that…but” and ending it with simply “but ya…” Stopping my input. Done. Fine and so much less energy wasted. It works. But one must be comfortable stopping in their tracks.

Next – Drop-

This Is a tough one. To drop to ones knees is a symbol of vulnerability. And in this visual exercise I believe that the drop to vulnerability is key. Stop and sense the trigger or FEAR (fire). And then have the vulnerability to almost surrender to it and accept it.

Example here would be- noticing that this person’s comment about NYC makes me feel defensive or judged. But then realizing it’s a general comment and not about me. Or – good for them who cares if they aren’t a city person. Or – yes they are judging decisions of those who live here – but it doesn’t matter, yet it does trigger me. That last one Dropping down to vulnerability of knowing that I am easily triggered and perhaps sensitive to such comments (just an example). Perhaps due to my uneasy of our decision to move back here at first.

Next example, say the horrific wife of the friend comes over because she had to for some reason. I am triggered and I don’t see it clearly but I am all sorts of frenzied. Running around making sure there’s enough food. Continuously asking everyone how they’re doing or if they want something to eat or drink. Not sitting. Frenzied energy and frenzy unto my husband. Stopping would be key. Literally putting the plate down. Literally being in the kitchen about to open the fridge and saying to myself – nope not needed everything is fine. But also the next drop. Saying to myself – this person is triggering and that’s okay. I surrender to the effect it has on me and how it brings out worse than baseline frenzy. Surrender to accepting that this is happening and it’s okay. Isnread of judging and resisting myself for feeling extra frenzied because of this person. Understanding this and allowing myself to drop to this level will result In letting myself…

Roll.

Change direction. Roll away. Roll within. Roll back home. Wherever is safe.

In order to roll to safety I must first stop and drop. And to end the above example – roll could be – sending husband a discrete text saying – I feel triggered I’m going to take the dog for a walk and get air. It could be myself announcing we need to head out. It could be anything. But knowing there is a need to find safety. And that safety DOES exist. This extremely triggered state leads to all sorts of frenzy. I am able to change it. (Obviously using this wife as an example. Ideally she would never have and now never will come over!)

There it is: stop drop and roll.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

I look forward to your reply. I have this deep feeling that this topic – the cutting of the line between fear and frenzy. The link to frenzied behavior will be useful to us both. It is a good feeling that we are doing this work together – on our own in our separate lives, as well as in our “journaling” here.

I am heading to a “big fat Indian wedding.” Yes wedding season has begun. 4 day family wedding (by family I always mean my husband’s family – as you likely know). His cousin is getting married and we are very close (he has many female cousins from the age of 20-40 and we all have a great time). Thus – starting this evening there will be celebrations until Sunday. I look forward to spending some quality time with my in laws, cousins, and most of all my husband.

I will circle back on Sunday. I look forward to whatever is written in the meantime. I smile as I write this – that deep tenderness for my dear friend Anita.