Some encouragement for you.

I just read through this entire thread and just wanted to put my two cents in because I don’t think it was mentioned and I relate.

I relate to you Dave in that my parents did so much for me, that it has caused me to wrestle with laziness and lack of motivation past a certain point. I am in a relationship where I do sometimes feel he is doing work around me, wakes up at 5am and comes home at 8pm, but never complains he’s just a hard worker, and former college athlete, which I think plays into it. I have found that it affects my self confidence, makes me feel like I am not doing enough, but then when I do more I exhaust myself and slow back down. I am only in year two of my relationship, and no kids so your tale is a warning to me I feel.

He swears that he doesn’t think I am lazy, but admits he does judge lazy people, but he also struggles to take a break. Do you relate at all? It is so important for our SO to appreciate us, and potentially what you brought to the table for her was some relaxation, and she didn’t see you as inferior, but perhaps more free than her to rest. Does this resonate at all?

Yes there are always things to improve on and lack of motivation is a big one, but have you thought about why you weren’t motivated? We may be similar in that if someone criticizes me, it only makes me want to quit altogether, whereas when I am encouraged I shine, and when I am valued I am even more encouraged and it just builds on itself. If she lost sight of what you brought to the table, breaks from work and just genuine fun, then she started to not value you, which could have caused a downward spiral –> you don’t feel valued, you aren’t inspired/motivated, you start to forget what you did bring to the table and slowly lose yourself to lack of motivation and all this turns her off and sounds alarm bells to her mother brain.

Along with the alone time you now have where you can self discover and be a good example to your sons (which I strongly agree with the above post, speaking as a woman, will make her see you in an attractive light) also perhaps take the time to re-find what you did bring to the table! and bring it back 🙂 She fell for you for a reason, she said you were falling apart 5 years ago, not even the majority of the relationship! You did not fool this woman for (14 minus 5) 9 whole years! Give her, and yourself, some more credit, you were compatible, equals, and it is possible for you guys to re-tip the scale.

Goodluck to you Dave I truly am rooting for you guys!

Dear Dave:

A summary: in Jan 2023, you shared that you met your wife when you were in your early 20s, still living at home with your parents, had 2 children within 3 years of being married, and a 3rd unexpected child, eight years after the second. Back in Jan this year, at 40 or 41, with 2 pre-teens and a 3 year-old, the relationship with your wife was unhappy and you were sleeping on the sofa. She told you that the two of you are “just too different” and that she “feels trapped“. She complained that you are “lazy, sarcastic, unmotivated and show a general lack of initiative“.

On Feb 7, the two of you attended your 1st couples counseling session as “the last and final thing we can try before starting the official process of separation / divorce“. It was a good session and the morning after (you still sleeping on the sofa), she wanted to cuddle with you, and you felt somewhat optimistic. Shortly after, the two of you and the two older kids went on a short vacation to Amsterdam, and it felt very awkward between you and your wife.

On Feb 14, the two of you had your 2nd couple counseling session where your wife complained that you didn’t communicate well, that you lacked initiative, that you were “negative, defensive and letting her lead on everything“, and that you were “constantly around as opposed to having our own things going on“. You complained about the lack of intimacy, and you were “in a constant state of feeling out of control and emotional about our situation“, not knowing if “she either wants to try and work with me or make a decision to part ways” (Feb 15).

Exactly 4 months later, on June 15, you posted a 4-month update: in early March, while still living in the same house with your wife, you stayed the night at a friend’s house following having had too much to drink, and you lied to your wife about where you stayed that night. She found out, and “coupled with the fact she thinks we have nothing in common, I never tell her what I want/don’t want and effectively behave like a 4th child in the house – this is all too much for her, and she wants to end the relationship“. Following that early March incident and confrontation, the two of you were “separated and living apart amicably, meaning I can come to the house and see my children including taking my daughter to bed 3 nights a week“.

On July 3rd, you shared that the two of you were “now selling the family home“, that you very much love your wife and wanted it to work out with her, but living with her, you felt that she was your superior: “I have been pretending that I am her equal when mentally I still feel inferior and I need to dig into that“. You believed at the time that “moving into my own place and setting up a separate life… I feel I will start to  work out more who I am and what I want…  I have to discover the real me…  to be at peace with who I am and what I stand for“, and you were concerned that once you realize your true self, you “may not want to go back into the relationship“.

You were about to start individual counseling at the time and “embrace a voyage of self discovery“.

Five months and a day later, today (Dec 4), you posted another update: a couple of months or so after moving out, the two of you “enjoyed some time in the bedroom, but it felt like that’s all it was, just a physical thing“.  The separation is now six months old, and the two of you “are still in a good place in terms of communication back and forth regarding everything including the children, which really helps. Nothing has really changed on the relationship front, we are still very amicable and text most days but very surface level and transactional… I am spending Xmas eve and day at my old house and we are going to sleep separately to be there together for the kids“.

You (now 41) still feel drawn to her but you don’t believe that there is a chance to reconnect with her, and you are ready to “go out on some dates and meet someone new! At the end of the day I could continue to wait around for her to change her mind which doesn’t seem likely or I can try and get myself back out there. Or am I making a mistake? I don’t know…“.

My input: I don’t think that it is a mistake for you to give up on your marriage and start dating again, as long as your highest priority is being an attentive, involved father to your three kids. It is clear to me, from what you have shared, that in your early 20s, still living with your parents, you were not ready to get married. You needed to live apart from your parents for the first time in your life and go back then on the “voyage of self discovery” that you are aiming at 20 years later.

It is not likely that you can embrace this journey of becoming the real, independent and mature you, if your relationship with your wife resumes because she has perceived you as “a 4th child in the house” for too long, a perception that is probably deeply embedded in her mind, and it will be in your way of embracing your self discovery journey.

Make sure that as you start dating, that you are aware of the possibility of dynamics in a new relationship that may resemble the dynamics of the old.  Keep your mind focused on being a good father and on being and becoming “the real me…  to be at peace with who I am and what I stand for” (your words on July 3rd). This objective is.. definitely not a mistake. I wish you well and hope to read from you again.

anita

Dear Dave:

You are welcome. “For all the time I have hope I put myself in limbo. Meaning I hope she will change her mind and reconnect, but then that makes me pause at trying to move on – catch 22 scenario and the cycle continues!!“- sometimes hope is not a good thing, sometimes it’s time to give up or let go of hope.

“Taking the control for myself is all I can do“- and it’s the best you can do, the right thing to do.

“I will continue to be a loving and supportive father and I have the children with me 50% of the time including through the week and weekends and I really do not anticipate any change there“- you are a good father and a good person.

“I feel very alone when my children are not there and I am a very affectionate and loving person. Holding on to a hope of reconnecting is me looking backwards instead of forwards“- you are human, which means that you need to connect, to love and be loved. Hoping to reconnect with your ex keeps you lonely.

“But it has been 17 years since dating and being with another woman…“-  It’s been 17 years.. How exciting it can be to date again, and to date wisely: with awareness and clarity of mind.

“One thing I am sure of is that I feel equipped and ready as an independent father and responsible adult to allow myself to move on and meet new people“- You are equipped and ready. Thank you for being an independent father and a responsible adult!

“I will of course keep you updated as the journey continues“- I am looking forward to your updates and thank you for being here!

anita

Dear Dave

Just a quick heads up you may need to speak to an accountant about the tax implications re selling both properties. ie the smaller property is now your principal address so maybe for you no capital gains tax on that property, but your wife may have to pay tax on her half and then vice versa for the larger family house. Therefore your tax burden could possibly be greater.

As for your new romance, since i guess you have been upfront & both the lady you are seeing and your ex know about each other.  Enjoy .