Michele thank you this forum has really helped and Reading that what I’m feeling is normal and others have been there  we can go for a walk so I’ve been doing that everyday and will continue to.   Lockdown has made moving forward hard feel like I’m stuck here alone with my thoughts and my mind is just in repeat why what how has this happens after 3 months I thought I’d be better     I think this with and lack of contact from ex and family has compounded my sadness x One day at  time positive thoughts  and fresh air

I cant delete my PREV post but I’m feeling better. I decided to ring Jay myself. I didn’t want to undo my hard work , I told him the news had made me very anxious and he said I was being silly to think he didn’t want to deal with any of my anxiety attacks and it would be more painful to him to know that I didn’t feel comfortable to reach out to him. He said he accepted this was a part of me and still was going to stick around. I didn’t tell him I had thought what if by the end of lockdown he didn’t want me. I felt reassured in the way he spoke to me and didnt want to open can of worms or let the negative thoughts win. He said if I wanted to be rebellious and desperately wanted to see my mum he was willing to drive me down and we can meet from her from the window and then return. I declined as if anything happened to him or his parents I’d never forgive myself. Then he said let’s do some meditation together so we video called and i felt so much calmer. He jokingly said I was banned from reading the news and if I did the would be withholding his kisses when we meet (I went from grip hold anxiety to feeling really giddy like a teen) He said he would update me on any relevant news. I decided to think happy thoughts and everyday I’m going to reaffirm them. I just can’t believe how lucky I am to have someone who accepts me for who I am. So far he has just seen mainly the uglier side of me. I haven’t had the chance to show him the fun me, the soppy me And he still thinks I’m amazing. I really can not wait until this is all over. I need to see it as things to look forward to instead of things I cant have. After all absence does make you appreciate what you don’t have more. Sorry chicks for the rants.

The day after my last drink binge was horrific. I never want to experience that again. Enough to put me off for life.

Today I just feel very very anxious like I needed to put up a front because my friend and her husband have gone beyond for me. I didn’t want to let them down. So I asked for them to drop me back to my own place. My friend was really sad but respected my choice. I’ve agreed to facetime them at certain points of the day so.they know I’m surviving. I don’t think at least I hope I don’t ever go to the depths of those dark thoughts again. It was difficult being around them it wasn’t making me deal instead I was faking a smile and front because the guilt of troubling them at this time. This was exhausting.

Being around them also made me jealous. I wanted what they had. They were very conscious to not be overly affectionate with each other in front of me but I caught them a few times. I feel like ill never have that again and it made me sick. I had to get out of there.

I’ve cried today not the loud screaming cry but the painful tears which trickle down and show no sign of stopping. It dawned on me I had put too much into this relationship and it was really over. He is never going to change and if he loved me he would have for both of us instead he chose to walk away every time we met a crossroad rather than work hard on the relationship . He ended it 4 times. It took 4 times for me to finally realise this, where was my self worth? I miss him terribly but I’m angry he did this to me too. That is what I need to recognise and I’m starting to rather than holding onto some foolish hope of reuniting. It is bin day tomorrow I gathered all the stuff he had given me as I looked over them , the memories made me think was it all a lie? So I wanted to know @shelbyville or anyone did you throw out the stuff your ex gave you? How soon? Did it help to move on or not have a constant reminder?

I feel blindsided, I felt he had changed and was going to propose. I’m so angry not at him but myself. 4 years these days is a lifetime together yet I still wasn’t good enough for him. The state of the world today makes me feel life is short… Should I be grateful he chose to finally end it when we could have carried on years going back and forth. By then I would have lost so much time and been a bigger wreck? I have the opportunity now to rebuild and find someone who does want me. So many emotions swirling in my head. I just wish there was a switch to turn them all off.

@cb you are strong. I know on your thread anita is helping and she seems like expert. You will do your son proud!

@sammy , I know you asked @shelbyville but here’s my take oh chick in a way you’ve been through your worst day and survived. That is progress, coming off the drink and not doing anything stupid. Your emotions will be up and down for a while until you accept his decision and realise you deserve a relationship where you are loved. Why be with someone who doesn’t reciprocate it, if you did get back together you’ll hit the same block again and again and like you said what a waste of time and energy that would be. I think you should have stayed with your friend. It’s a very lonely time right now so having someone around to pull you out of the spiral you can get in is good. However you have this thread and I for one am on it daily. It’s helped me so much when I’ve been close to losing all control.

I wouldn’t make a hasty decision on throwing away stuff just to move things along, it will happen naturally. If you reached that point do it. Everyone’s different for me it took few months after the final break up which was Feb 19 to do it but I felt it was progress in letting go. Dec 19 I was very low had hated what I’d become. Jay was really my turning point and even this relationship has been a battle but a good one where I’ve grown and he brings out the best in me. If i had known I’d meet someone like him, I’d never have gone down the road of “best way to get over someone is to sleep with someone else” I feel ashamed but it’s all a lesson. This is all a journey to finding the best person for you who will love you for who you are unconditionally in return. I promise keep believing and you will find it.

@Becca from what I understand you have a partner who you are aware of is cheating on you and living a duplicitous life? GET OUT Now! You have children think of the consequences on them. Keep it cordial for the sake of your children but this relationship is toxic. This is what happens when you stay in a relationship which is one sided. Resentment sets in and the partner starts to cheat or hurt you. Hurting a person is not always physical it can be psychological. When only one person puts in the effort and the other becomes complacent or doesn’t care enough to meet you half way you’ll have a recipe for disaster. You are allowing him to treat you this way. This is not love. Please don’t sacrifice yourself and worth in this way.

Genie thanks for your kinds words inside I was doing my son proud it’s been 3  months and I’m still overwhelmed with thinking about my ex all the time where is he what’s he doing what’s going on with his parents it’s become obsessive and is only getting worst due to lockdown feel ashamed that I’m thinking only of myself in these times who have I become

Sammi @ Becca you are both stronger than you think your on here trying to move forward that’s a massive step keep posting stay strong

Genie kind words but in this madness we are all going through I was hoping I’d gain strength to move forward and find myself instead I’m overwhelmed with sadness that I not with my ex in our family unit it just goes round and round in my head consuming my thoughts it’s exhausting and not healthy

@adelaide so good to hear from you. I feel like very drained of energy and bit of slump to so I get you not wanting to type up.

Time and the mind does that to you. I remember I used to sit for hours not even eating thinking about scenarios of meeting my ex and then us being all happy ever after. It is co dependency and it’s the feeling of being in that situation and loneliness that drives those thoughts. Not the want of being with that person. The fact you have realised this and know objectively that your are projecting and your ex will not make you happy and meet your needs, is another amazing stepping stone and PROGRESS. I’m so proud of how you are so self aware and this is proof you are beginning to value yourself more as you are putting your needs first. Go chick!!!

I dont think a wonderful person like you will let yourself become bitter so I know when it is right for you and your family things will improve with your brother. How do you watch Netflix at a distance? I’d wanna watch a romcom with Jay wink wink.

In happy you checked in. You have been a big support for me. I hope @shelbyville is well. She said she had a covid test due. Check in shelby like adelaide even if brief so we all know you doing ok. @michelle you too you have just come from abroad..are you ok ?

Hey all.

Yep, all good here, no issues with symptoms or anything like that. Just getting used to being back in the UK and dealing with everything.  It’s actually not that different for us since we’re used to being together 24/7 from traveling for long periods and since I retired we’ve figured out a decent ‘at home’ routine anyway. Obviously not being able to physically visit people and places is a huge restriction but I understand why we’re all doing it and just get on with making the most of our time with what we can do here, one day at a time.  I tried signing up for volunteering now that we’re past the 7 day wait post travel – but it’s all full! So have to wait a couple of weeks until they are ready to take on more people.

@ Genie. Yeah – give up the news feeds whilst you know they make you anxious! It can be helpful to seek out ones which aren’t quite so emotionally-driven as there’s an awful lot of unhelpful reporting going on and it can be easy to get overwhelmed if you have that kind of disposition. We can all freak out at times so it’s important to know how to ground yourself again. It’s really good to hear Jay’s helping you with that and as importantly you’re helping him. Cool.

@Adelaide. The downside of more time eh! Brains sometimes love nothing more than a good wallow, especially when they’re feeling down already, let’s pile on some unhelpful self-torture of wishful thinking and denying reality – awesome?! The best bit is I know you understand that’s what happening and that it isn’t real – being able to stop that downwards spiral is a big step towards ensuring that when triggered they don’t last as long or as deep as they used to.  Absolutely, when you feel those triggers starting, reach out and connect to people. Get outside for your daily fresh air, do something constructive, anything really. It’s always when motivation is at it’s lowest when it’ll have the biggest impact. Get over the inertia and feel the energy come back.

@CB. Yeah, I know it hurts. Adapting to your new reality of a completely different life is tough enough after 27 years. The inner strength takes a while to come, longer for some than others – hugely dependent on how co-dependent the relationship was and your level of self-esteem. After that long it’s tough to know who you are as a person since you are so used to being defined by your role as wife, parent, carer etc. It’s one of the big reasons relationships often struggle at the mid-life stage – it’s a big changing point for most couples and you either grow into it together or grow apart and want different things.  It’s painful to accept the reality that the old life has gone and all your expectations of what the rest of your life was going to be like are going to have to change. You can’t change his mind but you can change yours and your perception of yourself and your new future life. Basics first, home, money, friends, family, health etc. Baby steps remember. There’s lots of ways to reach out and connect during these tough times – like for Adelaide, when you are feeling lowest – reach out. Either online, here or otherwise, or to people you know.  A lot of people are struggling with loneliness right now and there’s a lot of help and willing volunteers to listen. Including here 🙂

@Shelby. I know you are avoiding being online but it’d be good to know you got through your test ok or not and how you are doing in your family. I hope it’s all ok as can be.

@Kkaxo. Just saying hi and hoping likewise all goes as well as it can in London right now. Are you still able to move in with your sister or has that been impacted by the quarantine restrictions on house moves?

@ Sammy. I hope you continue to post here or in your own thread. You are going through tough times and I know from my own experience all support helps.

@Becca – You know just from posting here that what you are living with isn’t right – I can’t imagine how hard it was for you to write in after so many years of living like that. I really hope you do reach out for help, here or wherever you are most comfortable with.

Take care all & reach out.