Hi DoseofReality.

Entirely understood. For total clarity – I did not think you had any intention of malice at all. I understand you  only want to help try and shake people up enough to appreciate what they have – and to get on with taking control of their lives to make them the ones they want them to be. On all this and much more I suspect we are agreed. Whilst I actually think you could continue to help people on here with your clear perspective and awareness of how to actually improve your life, I respect your decision to focus on those people around you. Remember, you have already had a great impact on many lives, some knowingly and some unknowingly. All lives matter and make a difference to someone.

I know you do not want sympathy but you have mine anyway. Such a diagnosis gives total clarity on what is truly important and what isn’t worth spending time worrying and fretting about. It is painful to watch others waste their lives – and can only be harder when you are acutely aware of how short life is. It isn’t the same but in the interests of showing I understand a little of what it is like, I went through a breast cancer scare 15 months ago – which I am now currently having to re go through. Knowing the end could be closer than you ever imagined is the kind of shock which does wake people up. A does of reality as you say.  I have nothing but admiration for you wanting to reach out and help others and I hope it brings you the meaning you are looking for. I for one will be here if you ever do need a place to be able to scream, cry, inspire, whatever. But otherwise, clearly, I just hope your remaining time is whatever you need it to be for you. Thank you for sparing some of it to try and help others here.

@doseofreality please don’t leave because you feel your message got lost. It didn’t, as Michelle said you perspective is required. I think having you remind us when we slip up will have been so useful. You have such a clear perspective and it already has made us question the choices we are making. If you are leaving because it’s too much that’s fair and I respect you so much for reaching out so selflessly at a time when most would feel defeated. Your last message really touched me as it was personal. Life sucks and it has become more clear of how short it is with the current climate but it is really the way we handle it and what we get out of it. I know you don’t want sympathy you must get it each time you break the news. I am so sorry though and I too will try and use your tips to control my anxiety, even if you decide not to post . Michelle will keep us in good form as you two have very similar perspectives and could be soul sisters!
I wish you the very best ending in your journey and hope you realise you have impacted lives. Thank you. Your loved ones are very lucky to have you. Love and peace to you too. If you need anything you are welcome to ask anytime xxx

@michelle how brave are you too? I have a whole new level of respect for you. I’m sorry you are going through a cancer scare again. I admire your courage and attitude towards life and still living your best life and having such a positive attitude. Not once did I stop to think you may be battling issues so I’m sorry for not asking if I can be of any help and just harping on about my ex and Jay. Please do not hesitate either to ask if you need anything, I feel like the only way I can help is to take on your and @doseofrealitys advice more seriously as you have the wisdom given your circumstances and clearly just want us all to take control and be happy. Your advice given so far carries even more significance for me at least. I hope your results are good and I’m here for you just like you’ve been for me xxx

Hope all you ladies are doing ok I read your threads and think how brave you all are    I take a great deal comfort reading them     I’m really struggling to come to terms with my split its been 3 months and I still can’t quite believe he left me. for 27 years I’ve devoted myself to him and his family and now that’s all gone   this week we agreed financial terms on our family home   I can not believe it’s only taken him 12 weeks to moved out move on and sell the family home   that’s it were don’t no need further contsc   this week mother in law in hospital very unwell won’t be coming home we can’t visit. I reached out to ex and family I love this women like my own mum   well nothing didn’t even text back. I’m devastated and feel so alone

Hey all. How’s everyone doing?

@Genie. Cheers but I don’t really think of it as brave exactly. It’s just dealing with whatever life throws at you in the best way that you can. Like I’ve said many times ( often irritatingly 😉 ), you can’t control life and make yourself safe without shrinking your world so small that it isn’t really living. Sure, I freak out occasionally over the ‘what if’s’, especially if I spend too much time on Google. So like any anxiety or fear, you learn the triggers and you manage them differently. And then you get on with living your best life – which is what DoR’s advice was all about.  It doesn’t make my advice/perspective any better/worse, like DoR, it’s why I didn’t share the news as people do react to that, rather than the message.  All of this is about building up your own ability to tell what is worth is considering for you and what isn’t – without being governed by fear. You’re doing well and it sounds like Sammy has come a long way too.  I understand your guilt about DoR leaving but I think it’s misplaced.  If anything, it was my message they’d considered but he/she is clearly someone who makes up their own mind about to do – and they have chosen to focus on the people closest to them. At this point in their life, they have much bigger things to worry about – which was the point they were trying to make afterall. You have no way of knowing if they did/didn’t read our appreciation for them and that’s ok. What matters is that you expressed it honestly.

@Sammy. You sound like a different person already. I’m happy to hear DoR gave you the kick required and look forwards to hearing you continue to move forwards and on to better things. Deleting all contact is a great step but I love that you will look to surround yourself with better people. A huge part of a great life is about removing things that aren’t good for us, even if we really want/enjoy them. Figuring out those choices and actioning them is awesome.

@CB Yeah it sucks getting used to your new reality when it isn’t one one wanted or choose for yourself. It can make you feel very powerless if you let it. But this is your life and at the end of the day the only one who can improve it is you.  I’ve seen a lot of people in your situation turn very bitter and never being able to let go of the anger at your ex for moving on and taking your life away. I’ve also seen a lot of people get stuck in hope they will come back and it will all return to normal. Neither of those things work out well for you – what you need to focus on is accepting your new reality. I would strongly expect that your ex has been edging to this for the last few years at least as he has built up his own life outside yours. So it isn’t a surprise to him and it’s something he wants – which is why it seems so easy for him to move on.  You need to accept that caring for the family is no longer your defining role in life. And that’s why it’s scary – you probably have no idea who you are without that role to define you. But is was only that – a role. It isn’t you. There’s a way out of this which leads to a new you – and it is up to you whether that person has a meaningful, loving, happy life or if you get stuck pining for the old one. No – it absolutely isn’t easy and everytime something happens to remind you of the fact that life is gone, it’s going to hurt. All that got me through was clinging to the thought of that future me – and doing my best in small things everyday that helped bring her a little closer. I hope that makes some sense and helps.

@Shelby. Yeah – amazing what can become a privilege that we used to accept for normal eh. It’s bizarrely a great way to appreciate the little things again for sure. Being able to get a bag of flour at our supermarket will feel like a huge win when it happens!  I love that you are learning Spanish – it is absolutely one of the best travel languages and I love you are already thinking about your next adventure. I admit I’m a little stir-crazy not being able to plan out any travel – our UK Gov has just effectively banned it ‘indefinitely’. If so, I’ll have to emigrate!  Hope the test result comes back ok and all your family are doing well.

Take care all.

@michelle I am doing better because I’ve chosen to think , feel and be better. I don’t have control over him leaving and not working to love me in the same way. But I have control on how I deal with myself, my feelings, if I allowed myself I know I would hurt and cry for many more days or even the rest of my life because when I allow myself to think like that it spirals to depth of despair like no other. I don’t want to waste life anymore that became more acutely obvious in this crisis and from DoR words. So now I allow myself to have a little cry but replace the thoughts with hard truths and goals for the future. All the advice here, my family, my best friend is to accept and move on. These are the people who love me and want the best for me, since blocking him and deleting everything I feel an accomplishment in taking control of my life back. I feel if I had left the door open i would have gone back shamelessly begging again and again by making contact to see if we could reunite somehow. But what would be the point? 4 times is too many and a 5th would end the same as the issues were always the same and this person couldn’t commit to me and meet my needs now so I think it was @Genie or @shelbyville who said it but she was right, do I want to eventually coax someone into commitment or marriage for him to leave me again because resentment he had sets back in that would be awful. I want someone who loves me and recognises it would be silly to let this woman slip away because I love him back equally wholly.

Since coming off the alcohol I also have a lot more clarity the fact I had considered ending my life for someone I love who didn’t love me back in the same way for whatever reason and I would have left all the people who do love me devastated, that hit hard and hurt. It was a wake up call. How low had my worth sunk? I was willing to do that for someone who didn’t see me. See the value of me. Accept me flaws and all. Wow that really hurt.

So from now on I’m going to improve myself. That begins by surrounding myself with the people in my life who appreciate me, the ones who accept me, these are the connections I need to build on.

My friend said rejection is God’s way of protection that you are heading in the wrong direction. As a child I grew up going to church every Sunday. In this crisis I’m finding faith again and appreciation of things I took for granted . So maybe that’s why I feel stronger this time around, to fight to get the control over my demons. First time in my life as an adult I want to go to sunday service for Easter but I can’t because of the lockdown. I’ll be praying for you all. Wish you good health @michelle. I see you dont want sympathy so I hope you get lots of years for more exciting travel adventures!

Hey all.

@Sammy. Thanks, appreciated. It’s wonderful to hear you doing so well now.

@CB. Glad you understood my words and they helped even a little. Absolutely, you do deserve better. And you can have it. it seems to me you were always the stronger one in the relationship so I know you will do just fine once you get through the shock.

@Shelby. Glad to hear you are out of your room and able to enjoy a few more things again. Hope the test results come through soon to put your mind at ease on that front too.

@All. Sammy’s words actually struck me hard too. They made me realise I haven’t been able to help Shelby & Kkasxo much more over the last year or so. and all our new friends are in good hands helping & supporting each other, which is awesome.  Therefore I think at this point I need to take a back seat from this thread and take a bit of a page from DoR’s thoughts to focus on others who I can hopefully help more effectively. I just wanted to let you know just incase you got concerned when you don’t hear from me going forwards. I still plan to try and provide support through this forum so if you think I can help feel free to ask me if you want and I’ll get back to you.

You are all strong women looking to improve your lives – you wouldn’t be on this forum if not. So whether it feels like it right now or not, I know you’ll continue to improve as you make your ways through and onto your own paths. Take care everyone – onwards and upwards to better things!