Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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This topic has 2,307 replies, 62 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 9 months ago by Anonymous.

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September 17, 2020 at 1:31 pm #366878

Shelbyville
Participant

Hi Sammy,

Dont worry I know you have good intentions. And people on here often give advice based on their reading of a situation, some of it lands true, some of it doesn’t. I appreciate the advice.

At the moment, I’m sad. I was feeling poorly today – have a female infection- so I got a doc appointment for my lunch break. Was awake most of the night with discomfort. Anyway, I didn’t get much caring from the guy. Again, so different to how he was before. When we first met, I had to get a brain scan for an ear- ache. Unnecessary and a waste of time but doc insisted. When new guy found out he was very very put out that I hadn’t told him and that that’s something important and almost like – why wouldn’t I tell him, like he already has us as a couple in his mind. I was taken aback at the tone but also touched by his caring. Today he texted and said ‘feel better’.

The communication has been bland again today and we were in convo via text tonight about work and the news and stuff and I asked him a question and he’s just decided to not reply further. So yeah, it’s all very strange and odd. No talk of meeting this weekend or doing anything together. So yeah, I’m sad.

I’m also hormonal too which doesn’t help, but highly satisfied that I’m most definitely not pregnant – as there was a 1% doubt in my mind which was niggling me. But at least I can let that worry go now.

My face is also breaking out with a coldsore like virus these past 5 wks or so. I feel like I’m just dejected in so many ways now! Btw I might not address all things you mention as it’s quite detailed and honestly, some of it doesn’t apply to even, but I read it all and reference the things I feel have relevance to me.

I hope you’re improving slightly Sammy and are finding little distractions to keep you going for the next week or two.

September 17, 2020 at 1:55 pm #366884

Adelaide1
Participant

Hey Shelby!

It’s been awhile since I have posted here but I still read semi-regularly.

Firstly I wanted to say that I am really proud of you for putting yourself into the dating arena again! Such a slog.

Second, I wanted to suggest you read up on attachment styles. I know I talked about them a little awhile back. It have been a really useful framework for me to understand how I act in relationships, especially potentially romantic ones, why others may act like they do and how it triggers/affects me. Like you I am very much anxious-preoccupied and perceive changes in people’s behaviour easily that make me very very anxious. Sorry to say that this guy sounds very much avoidant, and I think without him recognising and committing to address that there is little hope of you having a fulfilling relationship. Check out the “attachment theory” reddit and you may recognise some patterns there- I found it helpful, anyway!

I should of course say that is easy for me to say; harder to live. For example, I recognise when my anxious attachment is triggered very easily now, and when potential dates likely have an avoidant style but I still struggle hugely knowing what to do next. For example, I’ve been talking to someone solidly for a few weeks now and had a nice date with them this past weekend and not hearing from them consistently is causing me massive anxiety even though I know it’s just because my attachment system is triggered, and I can also tell they likely have an avoidant style. But I’m not sure if that means I just cut my losses, give it a few weeks and reach out again, or just reach out now like I want to. I wish this stuff came with a rulebook!

Anyway, hope your infection clears up and you are feeling better soon. That’s a lot to deal with on top of dating anxiety. Xx

September 17, 2020 at 2:01 pm #366888

Kkasxo
Participant

@shelbyville,

Your tags have been going to my junk! Looks like I have quite the catching up to do >.<

Life has been so meh on this end, the best way to put it.

Anxiety, PTSD and hopelessness is kicking the absolute shite out of me recently. One of those ‘episodes’ again.. but we’ve got to keep moving forward, even if it feels like we’re exactly where we started and nothing is actually moving forward.

I will try to catch up over the next few days and come back to you.

In the meantime, sending you big hugs as always x

September 17, 2020 at 5:04 pm #366897
Sammy
Participant
@Shelbyville,

Its good to hear from you, sometimes I lack tact so I was worried.

I’m so so, I need that routine, I feel myself slipping and I think the idea of undoing all the progress being back to square 1 is frightening me.

What are the odds we both had a pregnancy scare? At least you had better odds with you dating currently mine was just pure stupidity!! Crazy hormones.

Lady infections are crappy, try cranberry juice for it!! Medicine quickly sorts it out so you did the best thing going to drs.

The cold sore could be from oral play or kissing, have you had it before? If not you must have got it from him. Or it could be a rash from wearing masks if you have to use them regularly.

I’m sad to hear you feel so low, him behaving like that is a reflection of him, not you. If he isn’t consistent in caring then it tells you it was a front. A genuine caring person remains good regardless.

I really don’t know what to make of him. Is he depressed so he is unable to offer more? Or is he just stringing you along because he is bored but disinterested in taking it further?

All I can conclude is he is disturbing your peace of mind, he has made you feel more negative than good maybe it is unintentionally and it is arising because of a lack of compatibility. That should be speaking to you, telling you to cut your losses walk away. You still haven’t explained why you feel compelled to put up with it?

In your own words just to name a few things you feel so early on;
- Bland texts/conversations
- Lost the magic
- Called you moody
- Scant communication
- Inconsistent behaviour by him – care
Maybe KKasxo can give you a fresh perspective. In the meantime, I’m happy to offer advice too which may be direct but it is with your best interests. Have you seen your therapist?

Don’t spend tonight feeling sad over someone who doesn’t deserve it, you should feel sad for him that he doesn’t appreciate a person who is so loyal, giving, and attentive. You deserve more Shelby.

Don’t run around like a headless chicken. He should be just as excited to see you, planning days with you, not leaving it all to you, if he isn’t don’t you dare bend over backward for him. People take advantage!

Virtual hug x
September 17, 2020 at 7:20 pm #366910

Shelbyville
Participant

@kkasxo, so good to hear from you. Yeah things seem to be pretty crap for both of us right now I guess. I don’t feel I’m in a great place, really upset and anxious. How have you been coping? Are you still working? Are we back to the watching Netflix survival technique again?!!!

Adelaide, thanks so much for the advice. Yeah attachment styles can be useful frames of reference. I’m definitely anxious, potentially anxious-avoidant. I really thought he was secure initially, but then felt he was more anxious. At the moment – avoidant, so honestly I don’t know what he is.
Trust me I know what it’s like to find dating difficult to navigate. When we feel the need for reassurance and a little more certainty. Maybe when not to heavily invested in someone to start, you could try practising moments of discomfort with less contact than you like? I feel that’s something I need to practice too. Not everyone has the same way of communicating in a relationship I guess.

Sammy,

I’m definitely hurt, though that was not his intention this eve. He got pretty crap job news which has thrown him and created uncertainty for him so he’s been in poor form this evening & less than super communicative.
I tried to explain (via text as he didn’t pick up when I called) that I’m upset & hurting a bit & not sure what’s going on. He said he’s sorry I feel crap but he has a lot on his mind & doesn’t feel like getting in to it & just wants to watch tv & not think or talk about it. I explained that I am here to listen and support from someone who cares can really help a crappy day but he said he didn’t have the energy to get in to heavy stuff tonight.

I told him I missed him and care about him and asked if he could see it from my perspective, and that I’m there to listen at any time & im not sure why he’s shutting me out. He said he’s not shutting me about but that some people like ‘quiet time’ and that if I were there he’d give me a cuddle but that he’s done talking and thinking tonight. He said he’s sorry that I’m feeling crap. I had previously suggested in the previous message meeting up tomorrow eve after I travel home after work but he said he’d rather spend tomorrow night alone.
I said I had been looking forward to seeing him and giving him cuddles. I said that I was sorry he didn’t feel the same. I added that I’d give him a call on my journey home tomorrow with a little x at the end. He didn’t reply.

Nothing points to this working. Nothing. I’m aware. And yet it makes me so sad to think of it not working out. I get this ache in my tummy when I imagine him not with me & going off and meeting someone else. I try not to dwell on that too much. My friend has tried to explain that some people deal with things differently and that men in particular, can deal with things without talking & that he was having a crap day & didn’t want to get in to a big heavy thing with me too on top of all that.

Im gonna have to manage my upset through Friday and try to make it to sat & pray that he’ll accept to meet me cos I can’t let this go on any longer without sorting it out one way or another. I’m dreading this….please be on standby Tiny Buddha family as I have a feeling I may need ye badly.

While you can’t leave the house, is there a new routine you can stick to in the house? One that would keep you on track like the runs did. My sister used to give me a notebook to write in times. Like a school class schedule to stick to to get me through from one end of the day to the next. It really helped, like she would allocate ten mins to getting dressed and brushing hair etc. Half hour meditation, half hour journaling. One hour baking etc etc and it was those baby steps that ultimately helped me get to the days when I no longer needed the list. X

September 18, 2020 at 12:20 am #366918

Sammy
Participant

@Shelbyville

Now that you have given context it is understandable and obvious in this instance he needs space and not deliberately neglecting your needs. Your friend is right. People deal with things differently. You may like to talk it out with cuddles and affirmations. Others like to just retreat. That is completely normal.

It’s how it makes you feel which is the issue. That’s down to incompatibility and attachment styles. But if you continue to try and make it work you will end up contorting to allow this behaviour but it will end the same, I think you’ll always feel shut out > anxious > hurt. This is to do with who you both are fundamentally and not easily changeable. It would take major change of behaviour by both to work. Currently as you are one of you will end up resentful.

Listen to what he wants which is space right now. Allow him time to digest that news. You’ve told him you are there for him. In the meantime focus on you. Sorting out the infection and lowering your stress as the cold sores. Poor immune response is usually down to our bodies being stressed!!

The ache you are getting is due to the potential you see and ideals in your head. Also because you being so self critical you’ll consider this as a reflection of yourself and feel not good enough, etc. That is not the case it is just not a good fit.

Dealing with a loss of potential which may never have transpired is better than being in a long term relationship and being unfulfilled and feeling anxious/hurt constantly. If it gets resolved now something else will pop up down the line, the more time you invest the harder the break will be. It hasn’t even been 3 months usually this period of dating is a way to determine if it will work and you are learning about each other. The break up sounds inevitable. Just try and reframe it think of it as a blessing you have realised how incompatible you are early on rather than years in.

I’ll be stuck in doors and on stand-by. I think personally think the right thing to do is walk away for your peace of mind. However let him digest the news of his job in peace. I have a feeling if you both are actually insecure and avoidant to a degree you will not do the healthy thing for each other and just allow it to continue because some of your needs are getting met. Long term this is unhealthy and will lead to toxicity.

I didn’t even think to adapt a new routine indoors. If there was alcohol in the house, I probably would have slipped back into that! So I’m grateful for not going that backwards..so far! A new routine is actually a really good idea and if I can find a coping technique indoors it may make a huge difference. A list may work. I like structure. I’ll try it.

Anyway thinking of you Shelby. I hope you managed to get some sleep. How are you feeling this morning?

September 18, 2020 at 5:01 am #366921

Adelaide1
Participant

Glad there will be some kind of conclusion this weekend, Shelby, even if it’s not the one you are hoping for. Sometimes I find the uncertainty of a situation so much worse than the actual outcome, even though I know it’s not the outcome I want. I hope you will feel relief on some level that you at least don’t have to question yourself and your and his feelings so much anymore even though it will hurt. And hey, you can be proud you tried. You could have just played it safe, but you have put yourself out there again, risked your heart. That’s what life is about, even if something doesn’t work out. You should still take heart in the experience.

As for me, yeah you’re right that people communicate differently. I think part of it for me is that I feel it takes so much bloody effort to get to this stage that it seems like a waste not to keep communicating at the same pace but I can see how that is off putting to some people. If I’m honest with myself anxiety about lack of contact always happens regardless of the person but it lessens with time if I let it, and then I am able to assess the situation much more objectively and actually reflect properly on how I feel about them. So, here we are again! Riding the wave and waiting for clarity. My gut says that this particular person is not compatible with me but would make a good friend, but then I wonder if I am just writing them off because of past experiences and hurts. Guess we will see.

Anxiety huh. Wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Thinking of you!

September 18, 2020 at 7:50 am #366931

Sammy
Participant

@Shelbyville do let us know how you are coping and if you are ok, even if it a short message and if you still need us on stand by so I’ll check TB for your messages x

September 19, 2020 at 5:07 am #366948

Adelaide1
Participant

Hope you are doing okay @Shelbyville! Been thinking of you.

Haven’t felt the need to post here about the breakup I had which prompted me to join this forum in awhile but I ran into my ex today for the first time since I last saw her in January forum and it brought back so much anxiety. So strange because I was literally thinking minutes before how strange it is I haven’t seen her around. I immediately felt extremely anxious when I saw her, but decided to do the decent thing and stop and say hello and we had a brief chat. She seemed a bit sheepish. I suspect she feels guilty for how she handled things.

It’s so interesting how a few minutes like that can bring back a flood of memories, both good and awful. I never felt safe in the relationship as she was not consistent in her behaviour, so seeing her triggered that same unsafe feeling. I am trying to just observe my reaction rather than cast any judgement but I do feel annoyed she still can still affect my headspace. I feel no desire to reconnect with her, really, just a lingering sadness someone can be such a massive part of your life for a time and then just not. I guess that’s how life works. Not seeking any response in particular, just journaling, though as always welcome hearing how others felt in the same situation. Wish I was one of those people who could genuinely keep up a friendship with an ex but as I say I find the sudden change in dynamic difficult to navigate. I also don’t really see the point of putting time and energy into something that has broken down for whatever reason – unless of course people have children together, that’s different. Do others feel this way?

September 19, 2020 at 5:50 am #366949
Sammy
Participant
@Adelaide1

It is nice to read you are still as insightful as ever. That person meant something to you so it’s normal to feel confused when running into one another. Try to remind yourself why you broke up, did that person add something to your life that is worthwhile keeping some contact ?

I’m of the opinion friendship after dating is very difficult even if there was an amicable break up. From experience if you loved or had strong feelings it is difficult and I couldn’t remain friends with my ex. I normally had to go NC to move on.

I also believe M/F who find each other attractive on any level can not be friends, sex always gets in the way. I don’t know if that’s applicable to F/F. It would be nice to stay friends or acquaintances with some people but it’s not always possible.

@Shelbyville is quiet and that usually means things are going well or she’s having a good weekend (I hope you are! do let us know how you are so we don’t worry!!) I think she is nc with ex but still friends with her guy friend she dated so in theory there must be no attraction and feelings there hence easier for her? She will probably be able to give you a better idea of how and if it’s worth the energy to remain friends.
- This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Sammy.
September 19, 2020 at 6:17 am #366951

Adelaide1
Participant

Thanks @Sammy for the reassurance! It’s useful to read about your experience. I agree, NC is the way to go for me too – lesson learned the hard way in this one, trying to keep casually in touch for a few months after, very detrimental to healing.

I don’t think she adds anything to my life that other friends don’t. Of course I loved the connection we had at one point but that is no longer there. I think trying to be friends, or even keep in casual contact with her would cause more negative feelings than positive – not because I have feelings for her or find her attractive any longer, I don’t think I do, just that it would remind me of the hurt of the breakup. I guess it really depends on the circumstances, as thinking about it I have managed to keep a solid friendship with someone I tried dating for a while after we had been friends for many years, but I think that is because we had that base of friendship first and the decision not to date anymore was very mutual. I did not have nearly as strong feelings as I did here, nor did I get dumped out of the blue.

Seem to have answered my own ponderings! Also just read an article that said that running into someone previously important to you unexpectedly triggers the flight or fright response, so the physiological reaction I experienced is to be expected. Brains eh!

Hope you are feeling ok Sammy. Been good to read that you have been making so much progress and got yourself into a good routine rather than drinking. Well done!

September 21, 2020 at 3:27 am #367003

Sammy
Participant

@ Adelaide1 It all depends on circumstances, whether the person brings positive energy in your life or not. Thanks, it’s a journey but I’m trying hard to not let the latest train of thoughts derail me.

@Shelbyville I’m hoping and assuming you are fine hence no correspondence. However do let us know as I’m worried because you asked us to stay on stand by and not heard. You mentioned when your anxiety was heightened in the past you were scared to do something stupid. I hope you are ok. x

September 21, 2020 at 5:51 am #367005
Sammy
Participant
“>Feeling like a drop in the ocean
But don’t anybody notice
Maybe it’s all just in your head
Feeling like you’re trapped in your own skin
And now your body’s frozen
Broken down, you’ve got nothing left

When you’re high on emotion
And you’re losing your focus
And you feel too exhausted to pray
Don’t get lost in the moment
Or give up when you’re closest

All you need is somebody to say It’s okay not to be okay
It’s okay not to be okay
When you’re down and you feel ashamed
It’s okay not to be okay

Feeling like you’re lost in illusion
And lately you’re secluded
Thinking you’ll never get your chance
Feeling like you’ve got no solution
It’s only ’cause you’re human
No control, it’s out of your hands

When you’re high on emotion
And you’re losing your focus
And you feel too exhausted to pray
Don’t get lost in the moment
Or give up when you’re closest

All you need is somebody to say It’s okay not to be okay
It’s okay not to be okay
When you’re down and you feel ashamed
It’s okay not to be okay

@Tim @Michelle @Shelbyville @Lucie @Adelaide1 @Kkasxo
- This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Sammy.
September 21, 2020 at 4:48 pm #367053

Sammy
Participant

@Tim how are you? How are you coping with Rupert? I miss your correspondence. I hope you are ok would love to hear from you.

Anyone there? I feel really lonely of late.

i feel I’m slipping. I’m trying hard to talk myself out of it.

September 22, 2020 at 4:30 am #367070

Rhaenys
Participant

Hello @Sammy

I can talk with you here if you wish.

I’ve been reading this topic, and you’ve been really brave and strong, you can do it.

When I have a crisis, I read posts that I choose from tinybuddha, I even reread some that I find helpful the most for me, did you try that?
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