@Shelbyville I hope you can give me a view but Ahh where do I begin? It’s long……..
I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t this for sure. I asked him to come to mine, I thought it would be the safest option. I’d have control and could ask him to leave without anyone publicly witnessing any drama if things got emotional. I’m sure my curtain-twitching neighbour spotted him though!
He came on time, knocked on the apartment door using the secret knock we had for whenever he used to lock himself out which made me grin. I opened the door and there he was 204 days (yes I kept count) since he walked away through the very same door. He looked good and happened to be wearing a sweater I had brought him, I thought was he trying to impress me?
He turned up with chocolates and a bottle of Hendrick’s, my favourite. Why?! I looked on stunned at the fact he brought something (he was notoriously bad at spontaneous gestures and remembering special dates) yet he remembered my favourite gin. All I could think was how to explain my sobriety he’d probably want some himself. Don’t judge me, I lied, at this point, I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing I had been drinking myself into oblivion as a result of the breakup, so I said thanks but I’m not drinking, it’s in aid of charity. I know, I should have spoken the truth or said something else and I feel bad but I will donate to ease my conscience, it is all I could think of on the spot!
Then the moment I feared, hit me like a tonne of bricks. I started to feel the chemistry flood back as we joked around on the doorstep about how he had forgotten the cucumber for the gin and some naughty innuendos around that and whether I was going to invite him in.
When we first met, we hit it off, there was an instant connection, as that night wore on I remember because he made me feel so at ease I had wanted to take it slow, not ruin it, but he couldn’t keep his hands off me, our chemistry had always been great. He was gentleman enough to wait until we became exclusive. Seeing him again after so long took me right back to that night, and today I still had that same feeling like we had known each other forever, never been away and this time I wanted to touch him all over.
The fluttery feelings soon gave way when I reminded myself of the cold truth of how he left me feeling after things ended and brought me back to reality. I had cooked lunch, so I offered him some. We sat with the TV on and exchanged talk about our families and work. How he had found lockdown etc. It just felt so normal.
Then as I went to put the dishes in the sink, he came up behind and pressed against me from behind when washing his hands, in honesty, I think it was just habitual and he quickly apologised and backed off. For a second, I just wanted him to stay in that position and hold me, bury his head into my shoulder like he used to. I’d missed it. Ugh! But something just made me snap – you’re just here to get laid aren’t you
He said that’s not true or fair and that’s not why he came over and it was me who had suggested a non-public setting not him. I retorted, well it wasn’t for that! He said he cared about me. I said how can you? Then he just walked off sighed and clutched his head whilst he sat on the couch. He always had difficulty communicating his feelings transparently.
I told him I had wanted answers. He chose to walk away after saying his piece, it was immature and for months there was radio silence causing questions to swirl in my head and his sudden interest in my health felt like a mere facade when throughout the relationship he had let me down when I needed support.
There was a prolonged silence but his face was full of dismay. He then said maybe I should go. I said you’re not going anywhere. We may not be in a relationship so you have no obligation or responsibility to me anymore, I may mean nothing to you now but as a human, the very least you can do is give me a truthful response.
He mumbled you don’t understand. I just felt like screaming have the fucking balls then, to speak your truth! I restrained myself and uttered then explain.
He said his family had been devastated, his sister wanted me as a bridesmaid and had been in his ear. Everyone including his best mate had commented to make amends.
I cut him off here as I got pissed and I asked him so he was here selfishly to fulfill his own needs and to look like a decent person in front of his family and friends, that was what prompted him rather than actual concern for me? He became exasperated at this point and said if I didn’t care would I even bother coming? He got up to leave.
I got upset and said, typical stonewalling (I know you’re probably thinking I was being impatient but after showing him patience for so long, I wanted to be heard) there’s the door, walk away just like you always do without confronting the issue and any regard to the impact of your behaviour. I tried to hold my tears back but they just fell. He sighed and held my hands and said I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I said then give me the answers to help heal some of the pain you caused.
I spewed out a dozen questions. Why he left the way he did? Was there someone else when we were together? Some stupid ones like am I unattractive? Etc
He said he never cheated on me at all in the time we were together. He had been following the news and knowing we were heading into lockdown in March, the idea of being in quarantine together without any space from each other made him feel suffocated and trapped and he immediately knew something wasn’t right. He said knowing he couldn’t escape by going to the pub with his mates or gym for his space made him panic. So he decided to call time.
He said he now saw that he took me for granted over the years, I always did so much for him. Everyone had told him he was lucky but something had made him question it all, something made him feel smothered (prob my neediness when I felt him being inattentive). He felt we didn’t match up and it caused friction and recognised he didn’t appreciate all I did, in the way I deserved. He said it made him feel resentful and angry when I would then question his lack of commitment and attention, and ask him to return what wasn’t coming naturally to him but he saw it differently now.
He said he knew I was nothing but super supportive, kind, blah blah. He said whilst I was encouraging him to be better, he felt he had not done the same for me because he was questioning certain traits I had in his head and nitpicking.
I pushed him to reveal what specific traits but he said you don’t understand that’s not the point, it did not matter. It’s the fact he was doing it. He didn’t answer if he meant physical or personality traits.
He said he didn’t know at the time if he needed to experience more or whether he had some maturing to do. It was his only serious relationship and we were still young. Everyone around him he discussed it with said him walking away was something he would really regret. (I felt pissed he discussed it with everyone so transparently except me!)
He said maybe we met at the wrong time and if he had been in a different headspace back then he would have treated me better. But he knew he couldn’t do “that” to me anymore until he knew what he wanted because he saw me losing myself from the person I was when he first met me. I asked him what he meant by he couldn’t do “that” he just furrowed his brows like I’d asked him whats 4567890 x 4678. I pushed him to answer was I unattractive to him, he sternly said Sammy this is not like you, what’s wrong with you? (My self-esteem you shattered that’s what but even I found myself thinking why did I ask him this ?!) he then went on to say you’re beautiful, he was always initially attracted by whatever appealed to his sight, that all men are physical and wouldn’t date you if they are not physically attracted in the first place. I said I wasn’t concerned about other men. I wanted to know if he found me attractive. He paused and then said the ongoing issues had destroyed some of that attraction for him. I asked him in what way physically or what. I desperately wanted validation clearly to ask persistently? He didn’t answer kind of looked bemused.
To be honest, this is more I got out of him than all the time we were together. He then said I do care about you and I realise I do love you. He said he always did that’s why he went cold turkey to move on. I don’t get it??
I just cut him off at this point and said stop. All I heard was he had lost attraction and it hit a wound, he never once told me this when we were together, it something we could have worked on. I said he didn’t know what love was.
I scoffed it wasn’t your heart it was your dick that supposedly loved me. You wanted the warm body etc and you knew I loved you with all my heart and wanted it to work so much that I had become incapable of walking away from you because of that love. You took advantage of that, you just manipulated my emotions, used me, and discarded me every time you were bored or got FOMO. If you loved me wholly you should have stepped up, I gave you ample time.
I said I was so blinded by my love for him that I accepted all his flaws although he was far from perfect. Meanwhile, I neglected to see he had been hen picking away in his mind about my flaws, making a catalogue of them whilst still taking advantage of my body, my emotional support, and whatever else he found useful.
I said when I met him I was such a confident woman and by the end he was right he had worn me down. I said you led me on making me believe we had a future. Discussing kids, marriage, etc when all along you were hen picking in your head and fucking my head up too with your own confusion. You dehumanised me, invalidated my feelings, and only thought about how things affected you alone.
I told him he should have left me a long time ago if he felt something wasn’t enough, I told him he dragged it out for too long with lies and breadcrumbs.
I could have been with a man worthy of me who loved me completely but he was selfish and he had left scars so deep in my soul that I don’t think I’ll ever want a relationship. I said he didn’t have the emotional maturity to be in a real adult relationship. All he wanted was passion and desire, sparks. But love was an action, a choice.
He never actually reflected on the consequences of his selfish behaviour on me. He only chose to walk away once he had completely drained me mentally. I told him I let him do it so I hurt myself too but at least I never inflicted hurt on him as he did to me. He only thought about himself and removed me so easily from his life like I never existed and I bet since has jumped into the next bed!
At this point, rage engulfed me I had never wanted to reveal this to him but it poured out. I told him the days after he left and just went radio silent. I felt suicidal because I knew I had been a fool in love. My best friend had to step in watch me around the clock for days whilst my family was unaware. I had become addicted to alcohol to numb those feelings because of the way he had made me feel about myself.
So whilst he thought I would forgive and forget because I was so good to him and move on. I was actually suffering in silence, tortured by the thoughts.
All he had to do was have had the decency to contact me and offer the truth, help me heal instead of being ravaged by the thoughts, once the initial dust had settled and given me proper closure, been man enough to take accountability for his actions. Not made me feel like it was all my fault. I would have done that for him if the situation was reversed. I hated how he showed such disrespect to me during our relationship. Did I deserve that?
Instead, he thought good old Sammy with the ginormous heart and Christian spirit would be cool. He could just ignore addressing the implications of his actions and I would be forgiving, accept it and to a degree, I did forgive him but that didn’t diminish the pain. I told him he couldn’t heal me. I had to do that for myself. I had to look inwards and love myself but at least I could look him in the eye and say I was good to you. I loved you with an honest heart. I tried. I just wish you could have been honest enough to admit the truth sooner and saved us both so much pain.
Then he just broke down. I’ve never seen him cry and that rage in me just halted. I didn’t know what to do. I felt like a bitch but at the same time, we both knew it was my truth. I couldn’t see him like that so I just automatically held him and told him it’s ok.
I just couldn’t see him hurting even if I was myself. I told him everything had been festering inside of me for so long, numbed by alcohol and I had just needed him to hear it in person and I was sorry for exploding in the manner I had. I felt so awful for him but I was also kind of relieved to see him embracing his emotions and releasing them in a healthy manner for once. Not being afraid to be vulnerable and worry about how he looked.
He continued to cry and my heart couldn’t take it, I felt responsible. He said he was so sorry and he had actually realised already he did me wrong, it was why he came and was dealing with the skeletons in his closet. He said the weight of it had become a tiring ordeal and he was so sad it took so much time to see the damage he did to me and grow from it. He said he knew it was all too late and if he could go back he would do it all so differently. For the first time in a long time, I felt he was accepting his culpability with sincerity.
He said a lot of sweet personal things, told me he did love me in his own way, and cared. He was sorry he never matched the love I showed him, he was sorry for taking me for granted and I deserved so much better. I almost got a sense he had insecurities and didn’t voice them in our relationship. This was the most vulnerable he had ever been with me.
After the tears dried up. we just held each other it was almost like the 4.5 years together flashed in front of me, I didn’t want to let go but I knew any longer my heart may betray me and we would end up with breakup sex. We had done it before, I wanted to believe it was because we loved each other that much when really it was just the chemistry we always had but overall the relationship was broken irreconcilably because we didn’t fit as we were.
I broke the embrace and thanked him for coming and talking it through with me, allowing me to process my feelings and him accepting his responsibility for his actions in person. I told him it wasn’t all bad, I had learned so much from him about love and I would always love him, we just couldn’t fit and work the way we were back then. It was now time to fully heal. He looked sad and asked if we could remain in contact and that his family also wanted to keep ties. I told him I’d have to think about it but right now I needed space to get myself back on track.
He laughed that the one time he thought to make a random sweet gesture and be thoughtful he only went and got me something so distasteful. He apologised and I told him it was OK he wasn’t to know, I appreciated that he remembered it was my favorite and maybe I could make use of it. He said no I’m taking it back, I joked I wouldn’t let him take the chocolates. He said he wanted me to be strong again, like the Sammy he first met and asked if there was anything else I needed and any other help with the alcohol, I told him I don’t think I’ll be needing it anymore. Today you freed me.
He gave me a kiss on the forehead and said thank you for teaching me to never hide my emotions, who I am, and the truth is better said than avoided. Thank you for being a wonderful human and always continuing to love me despite what little I provided. He said will you truly forgive me? I told him I was no angel and I wasn’t going to sit here and act like I was a saint in our relationship; I knew I had flaws. I knew it must’ve been hard for him to deal with someone who needed more, the overthinking, the persistence, some of the neediness. I said no more, we had hurt each other enough, it was now water under the bridge. I said it was time to say goodbye and I never thought I’d ever ask him to take his leave.
My heart and mind for the first time in a long time feel aligned. I realised my need to see him in person was more to be given full emotional closure.
As I shut the door, I slumped to the ground and sobbed. I felt overwhelmed it was an intense day he came at 1 pm left at 11pmish, I haven’t eaten and need to sleep. Some things hurt to hear, it’s so much to take in, I have written what I can recall so far, and writing it out has helped but I feel like I don’t know how to explain it, I feel like a tsunami is about to hit but right now the emotions have quietened down, I have some peace.
I don’t know what to make of it? I feel some things raised helped others have thrown up questions. I can’t tell another soul yet they would judge me and that’s not what I need right now 🙁
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