Thanks Sammy, not only the next day I didn’t even enjoy it in the moment either! I just didn’t know what to do after learning of that information on Thursday and just didn’t appeal to have a bender over the weekend so have I just chilled and coming to terms with it. The social media I will leave off until I feel like I can go on there without the temptation of seeing something that will disturb me any further, I’m not that active on there so it won’t do me any harm to not have access to it for a while.

I think I have suffered from anxiety beforehand but has just been amplified since going through this on/off relationship for 18 months, last couple of days has probably been the worst its been, I’m sceptical whether a doctor would been able to help me and I really don’t want to take any medication but people close to me are adamant I should speak to someone.

I don’t even feel angry about it to be honest, I want her to be happy and at some point when I feel like I can without harming myself mentally would like to have some sort of friendship although that’s probably a long way off.

I am gonna get through it in time I know that, how long we will see, thanks for your supportive words, they have been a comfort to read

@Sammy1 Hope you had a great Easter! Things with ‘B’ are great, I struggle a little with the whole cultural and large extended family thing, it’s not what I’m used to.

There’s two sides to it, but in planning our wedding I didn’t realise how many voices there would be to keep happy. When I get flustered I just remind myself who I am going to spend my life waking up next to and when it’s me and her alone I feel incredible.

We’re still trying to find our forever home. One things for certain it will not be in London!

I must say Sammy, I think you don’t quite realise how strong and amazing you are. The growth you’ve undertook is far more than most could do in a lifetime also you exude amazing qualities. You’re giving, you’re truthful you are very empathetic and possess an intuitiveness that can help others. You do go the extra mile for people and that shows in your responses to @Jay2023 where you’ve taken time out to make sure he is ok.

I’m really impressed with the way you have dealt with your ex and I do hope that your new boyfriend treats you the way you deserve. I’m glad you worked on achieving happiness in yourself first! Well done mate !! So what’s he like?

@Jay2023

Bro! I’m sorry but not surprised to read she’s moved on. Did you manage to salvage any of your Easter?

Social media can be your best friend or your enemy. Some utilise it to spur them to achieve the happiness they desire. Others can become engrossed in what they don’t gave. So based on how it makes you react, I’d decide if a hiatus will help or hinder.

How are you feeling? I think like I said in my first post to you, asking for help as a male is a step in the right direction. Especially with toxic masculinity so rife. If that means involving your doctor then do it for yourself, forget the ego, the notion of it makes you weak. If you aim to seek the help you need there’s no doubt you’ll move on from this heartbreak.

I agree with Sammy, there’s a certain peace you achieve being civil or mature with an ex. It was part of my healing process too. We are not friends either not because I worry about the circumstances leading to sex, oh no, my first ex betrayed me enough to never want to go there but because we genuinely grew apart and other than my best friend she cheated on with we have nothing in common. God forbid if ‘B’ and I split I know it would be impossible to be friends at first and I do agree if there is a certain amount of chemistry then being best friends will be impossible. But the type of person ‘B’ is and how she changed my life, I’d hate to lose her forever so I’d work damn hard to get to that space at least.

If you really feel your ex was a great influence, you grew and change for the better because of her support etc then aim for being a part of each other’s life one day but accept what you wanted is never going to happen. Then if you ever to reconnect it will be with the right intentions. You care but want nothing more. Not a ruse to win her back.

Ah @Jay2023 mate you seem to be in the thick of it. Seriously though well done for speaking to your doctor. I hope this step helps take edge off your anxiety, so you can get better clarity.

Maybe I missed it amongst the posts but what did you see on social media? Was it her new partner? If it was,  whatever you do don’t let your mind drive you into comparison. Dont let yourself be convinced you’re not enough. You are more than enough. Keep repeating that.

One week bro, hold on then with more restrictions lifted you can get a haircut to uplift you, hang out etc start planning your escape. Where do you want to go on holiday mate?

You hold on to that belief even when it’s slipping that you will be happy. You will when the times right find better and be better. Don’t let go of that! But let go of all the other crap pulling you backwards.

@Jay2023

Oh no 🙁 I feel partly responsible, I thought it was a friend who informed you but instead it turns out a picture on SM has been your undoing. I’m so sorry, I feel I encouraged you to not actively avoid her or actively seek her on social media but it turns out it’s hurt you and maybe a blanket ban or complete NC with her would have been more suitable. The only other thing I can say is even though it deeply sucks right now, I don’t think it can get any worse. She’s moved on, how that transpires is not your concern. However it has cemented at least you and her were not meant to be. In the long run finding this out now will help.

I’m so happy to read you contacted your GP. Jay just stop and look…you are doing things actively to move on. If you were still caught up in the fantasy of it all you’d be stationary. You’re moving it may be snails pace but you are moving. This will lead you to your rightful destination. I think you should dream about Asia and who knows you may find a wonderful Asian and even better adventure. Only you can limit yourself.

I don’t know about Danny but this thread helped me when I was very low and it would be selfish to leave when I’m in a good place. I want to offer hope, I’ll help as much as I can.

You know Jay there are wonderful women out there with hearts of golds, who would dote on you and really support you. Maybe as you mentioned the obsessive thinking and attraction for whats not good for you is a deeper issue it might be worthwhile exploring.

Also you mentioned to Danny you’re looking pretty trim,  is that from a lack of eating though? Heartbreak does two things…comfort eating and piling on the pounds or losing ton of weight! However I’m happy to read you’re treating yourself to some retail therapy! You doing so much better than you give yourself credit. Be kinder to yourself!

Hi Sammy, please don’t apologise, I’ve was looking before you even said anything and even before the hook up in January, I’m limited to what I can see but intelligent enough to work stuff out, anyway I’ve well and truly burned my fingers doing it because of how’s if made me feel but I would rather know because curiosity would eat away at me, I know it hinders the whole healing process when your seeing up to date pictures and even the name in text which is why I haven’t been getting any better but I feel I’ve learnt my lesson now.

I did feel anxious about contacting my gp but after the weekend I felt I really didn’t have a choice in the matter so we will see how that goes, I do feel a bit of weight off my shoulders for doing it because it is positive and my mum and sister are really pleased as they think it will help me find light at the end of the tunnel. All I want to do now is drop this attachment and move on, the last 18 months if I’m honest has been very detrimental to my well being but also taught me a lot.

I really do hope at some point I can find someone who can return the love and support I can provide and experience a whole different relationship, your words give me the belief I will find it.

The trim look is a combination of both I guess lol, I am eating everyday although not as much as I used to but the job I do now I’m averaging 12k steps in walking so that is helping me and thank you I know I’m doing well considering the circumstances, I just want to keep building and eventually get the place where I want to be.

And @Jay2023 just to add I don’t doubt once you’ve worked on your self esteem you’ll make better choices. Sometimes we think we know what’s good for us until we experience these types of heartbreaks and then realise what we actually need to feel fulfilled. Then comes the realisation that what we needed was in plain sight all along but it was the bad choices that led us in the wrong direction. You’ll realise it for yourself one day . So hold that hope she’s out there because believe me she is. When you find each other the timing everything will fall in place and you’ll forget all the hurt that got you to that moment.

@Jay2023

I’m glad you’re feeling a little better. I’m not very informed on medication but does it work overnight? If not, does that mean the placebo effect proves its in our mindset? You think the medication is doing it but really it was you. Does that make sense? That’s a great sign though if it is placebo effect because you’re healing with guidance on tour thoughts can be sped up without having to actively rely on medication.

Are you seeing a therapist? I was wondering if you have OCD in any other aspects of your life that may be leading to relationship ocd?

Don’t beat yourself up if you do slip up in your SM ban , it’s so addictive to gocompletrly cold turkey takes determination and will power of its own.

I’m actually really impressed and proud of you for all these active measures you are taking. It might not seem like it but you’re doing great Jay!

@Jay2023 What do you suffer from mild ocd in? Is it in checking stuff, cleaning,  hoarding,  ruminating?

It would be interesting to see if the professional therapist can find a connect. Also you mentioned that you were spying? Can I say that??? On her during your relationship on social media, again this is a massive red flag. It doesn’t mean you’re crazy it means something within that relationship was lacking. First being trust, second being security in yourself and your relationship. A healthy relationship if something feels off the first thing you do is talk to your partner. A healthy partner will be receptive and reassure you. If you still need reassurance after a healthy discussion then that’s a problem within yourself. But if your partner is stonewalling or not concerned it highlights a huge flaw within the relationship.

My ex and I could never have mature constructive conversations, he often swept things under the rug. This escalated into bigger issues within me and in our relationship. Thats why the biggest thing I appreciate in my current partner is his sensitivity,  expressiveness and the ability to just talk it out.

I’m glad your own mind is starting to think more positive. The light is there. Just need to keep searching for that glimmer and before you know it you’ll be flooded with happiness.

Excuse my spelling or errors just multi tasking!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Sammy.