- This topic has 2,306 replies, 63 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 8 months ago by Anonymous.
October 25, 2018 at 1:42 am #233149
I don’t think he’s having the time of his life tbh. He clearly stated that he wants to re-unite with you and he has not re-united with you, so therefore he has to be unhappy. Men are different the way they handle things.We THINK they’re coping much better but they’re just better at boxing stuff off.
Did the contact last night, merit a reply. If it didn’t, maybe try and refrain from contact until you have a final decision and contact him once then to let him know. Your life won’t always be on pause. My hair salon is next to where my ex works and I can’t go there since we broke up but I’m hoping that won’t last forever.
I am a little more rational this morning, saying I will be okay, without him, one day. But Im sure by 6pm I’ll be singing a different tune. Maybe if we try to tell ourselves, ‘we’ll be ok, it’s hard now, but one day we’ll be ok’ and keep repeating it, will it sink in.
S xOctober 25, 2018 at 2:14 am #233153
No it didn’t merit a reply, it was just more of an explanation of how he doesn’t want to argue and most definitely doesn’t want this to determine whether we’re going to be moving forward together or not etc. I’m just going to leave him to it now.
I’m glad you’re feeling okay this morning. I’m going to try to stop moping around also and just get a grip on myself and my life. I’m going to be okay whichever way I go. I’ve decided i’m going to get my nails done after work then dye my hair, maybe put a face mask on! Get a bit of pamper on to distract myself from not going to the event!
You girls are a life saver for me at the moment too! So thank you for that!October 25, 2018 at 2:35 am #233155RebirthandRestart2018Participant
Ah Shelbyville I’m really glad that my some of my words did reach you yesterday. Your inner light never goes out, it gets dimmer when you’re wading through grief, but it’s always still there waiting for you to look and feel it again when you’re ready 🙂 I loved reading your most recent post where you were encouraging the other ladies – look at the guidance and positivity you wrote out to them. I also saw that you included some of your own progress…..I’m not sure if you meant to, but read it back to yourself and see if you can notice the lighter tone and uplifting words you use several times throughout it! THAT is awareness of self and progress right there.
Yesterday you asked how we actually learn to love ourselves. That is a question I’ve literally looked at on my computer screen and scoffed at thinking “yeah it’s ok to say it but how the hell do I even go about it?!” I think it is down to individuals, BUT, for me starting out recently, I’ve found that it’s more based in action, rather than thinking/feelings. I’ve learned that a lot of self love is about boundaries. It’s about knowing what we will and won’t accept, then acting upon it and standing up for ourselves. It’s showing up for ourselves and giving ourselves permission and compassion to say “no, this isn’t for my highest good and it doesn’t make me feel happy, calm or safe….so I’m not going to do it or go along with it”. It empowers you to be true to yourself in all ways that are right for you. It’s cutting everyone else away for a moment, including your ex, and putting yourself in a white bubble of light, with swirling colours within it and leaving your racing thoughts outside of the bubble, even for a moment. It helps me to calm down and clarify my little light within. As HSP you might find it quite easy to envision this….fingers crossed. So something as little as those actions go a long way to self love and accepting where you are on your journey right now.
Kkasxo – do you have any plans for what you’re going to do for yourself tonight instead of the concert? It’s so easy for our ego’s to tell us that we aren’t someone else’s priority because it reinforces the fact we don’t think we’re good enough. But it’s not the truth. If you’re ego is telling you that you aren’t his priority, then step into your power that you know is in there and choose to be YOUR priority. Even just for tonight. Believe me, he’s likely not going to be having a whale of a time tonight as he will be aware that given the different circumstances, he would have gone with you. Men do grieve in different ways. My ex made himself super busy in the following days after he broke up with me – this is a way of not confronting the sadness they feel face on. Men are wired differently to women and are more action based, rather than emotional. So all you see in your mind is him not giving you even a thought whilst he’s there partying, but I can promise you that he will be consciously aware of the situation. You said that you’re angry you’re having to put your life on pause – the truth is that by not going tonight, you’re not pausing, you’re protecting. You’re choosing to protect your healing, your heart and your mind. You’re choosing you.
Victoria – I can totally relate to where you’re at. Sorry if I missed it in a previous post of yours, but when you broke up with him, did you sit down with him and open up about the reasons you felt it was necessary? I’m talking the raw, deep stuff. If you did, what was his reaction and what did he say? Did your gut instinct tell you that he was clueless as to where you were coming from or did you get a feeling he was able to take it in and acknowledge it? He’s probably feeling as confused as you at the moment, so he’s trying to take space and protect himself. I know you want him to come running after you, promising you that all your needs will be met from now on. But that’s sadly not how things work….I know this all too well. If you feel you have issues to work on, then focus on taking action to do that for yourself, not just for him or your relationship. His perception of things will be different to yours, because you’re two separate people. You ended the relationship for specific reasons – go back to those reasons and list what you need to do to start improving those things within yourself first. Your spirit will always be stronger than your ego – so don’t go into a fear habit of just looking for a quick and useless fix online.
xOctober 25, 2018 at 2:36 am #233157
Thats a fantastic idea. I too am getting my eyebrows done in salon after work, I’m hoping it will help me feel better when I look at myself in the mirror! I know it has to come from the inside, but whatever helps with that journey!
You girls are my lifeline too. Honestly if I was going through all this alone, I would feel like the biggest weirdo ever- not getting over an ex who has chosen not to be with me!
I have never met ye, but I already feel like ye are friends!
I still feel like contact, but what I’m going to do is 48hours of affirmations that I’m better off now and I’ll be ok and see how I get on.
Another work meeting keeping me somewhat distracted this morning!October 25, 2018 at 3:57 am #233167
R&R2018 – I originally did think of not going as a way of protecting my peace of mind. But I think where he popped up again with all the words of hope to reconcile it was a natural reaction to think he’d perhaps consider asking for me to come with. It would’ve been very awkward to attend the same event and pretend that we don’t know the other person is in the same place at the same time. I have let this go now. I had my moment of upset and I’m over it now. Tonight is all about me, nails, hair and all about making myself feel a little better!
Shelby – yes! You girls have definitely been a major part of my support network through this! I like the idea of the 48 hours of affirmations. I might just join you. I’m going to spend the rest of this week trying to learn about the concept of self love and how I can help myself feel better in this situation.
We’ve got a new member of management coming on board with us today at work so all the paperwork has kept me busy today! The hours are passing by very quickly so I am glad! Are you feeling better from your cold by the way? Did the night nurse do the trick?October 25, 2018 at 3:58 am #233169
Thank you for saying that, sometimes I feel like I’m making no progress and I will feel this way forever. I see that self love means not settling for less than I deserve, but my difficulty is trying to WANT better for myself. I don’t feel it’s possible so it’s like winning the lottery – something I never think will happen! He’s on a pedestal, that he shouldn’t be on I guess, but how on earth can I knock him off it?! I can see how I can’t settle for the uncertainty and lack of commitment from my ex because it wasn’t making me happy…..but THIS doesn’t make me feel happy either!
Sometimes I find it all so confusing. I know…..I genuinely know I need to love myself more, regardless of anything else at the moment and I’d like to do that. But heartbreak is taking the most space in my brain and heart at the moment unfortunately.October 25, 2018 at 4:35 am #233181
Shelby – don’t worry! I find it confusing too and not quite sure where to start! Aside from glamming up, treating myself to healthy meals and hot baths I’m not really sure what to do! I’m going to try and do something productive this evening and read into the notion of self love a litte.October 25, 2018 at 5:10 am #233191
Im feeling a little better thanks. It’s terrible but the idea of being out of action and not able to work filled me with dread- not cos I love my workplace, but just because days off are horrendous for me. That in itself says something I suppose- although I don’t know what.
I will try to work on my self love but I also think, 5 weeks ago today the love of my life left me. I’m still in love with him, I built my world around our relationships and I’m truly heartbroken and lost. And sometimes there is just no escaping that. I’m broken hearted and it’s not mending any time soon. So here is where I am.
A day will come I think when I says, ok now dear one, it’s time to let go of the pain. Time to make yourself happy again. But I’m not there, I’m just not. I’m still in the phase of trying to figure out how to reconcile, that this might all be a bad dream and I can go back to the way things ‘should be’. I feel foolish for that sometimes, but that’s who I am. Yes I should said it’s his loss and he couldn’t make me happy and I’m better off, but I’m not there. I need to be where I am.
Be where you are. Even if it’s a terrible place, there are no secret exits. You are torn and miserable and heartbroken and conflicted. That’s your position right now- say ok. That’s where I am. I’ll keep working through this and make decisions I feel are best when I can and just do my best.
My best might not be good enough to a headstrong confident independent woman who would scoff at any man who couldn’t see her worth, but it’s MY best for the type of person I am.
Sending sister support today to you all xOctober 25, 2018 at 5:55 am #233205
You most definitely sound like you have your rational thinking cap on today and I must say it is very refreshing especially that I seem to be absolutely filled with anger today more than anything else.
I think you’re right in saying that if we cannot currently accept our circumstances, we must at least accept the feelings that are flowing through us! I’m going to try this one, giving myself some pep talks to let myself know it is absolutely okay to feel shitty about this! It is shitty!October 25, 2018 at 6:20 am #233211
Girls, I’ve just been having a real think about how I’ve been feeling and what emotions are running through me and linking it back to my attachment type (anxious-preoccupied). In a nut shell I am forever in need of my partner to be my saviour, to prioritise me in all matters and basically live his life proving to me that they love me and will never leave.
All across the forum you see people going really deep into childhood and previous life traumas that may have caused us to be the way we are now as adults. Now it has been playing on my mind as to what could’ve possibly turned me into this needy person. I have an amazing childhood, a mother and amazing step father who I call dad as he has been around since I was practically newborn! I have two incredible sisters and a loving brother. All in all, my memories from my childhood are only happy ones – as far as the conscious mind can remember.
I never really thought deeply into this as years later the hurt just isn’t really there in a sense, i’m all numb about this and hardly ever think about it however it occurred to me this afternoon – my biological father, could this be it? He is someone who too has been a part of my life from childhood through to the age of 18. My mum and stepdad both had a wonderful friendship with him and he was always around, he’s in all of our family outings, all of our family videos etc. Again, all of my memories with him are great as far as I can remember BUT he did always have an issue with alcohol abuse. I can remember him drunk on a few occasions as a child, then into my adolescent years I remember him drunk quite a few times also. Then at the age of 18 my father cut complete contact with me. I think the last time I spoke to him was about 4 years ago at my grandfathers (his father) funeral and that was just a brief exchange of hi how are you.
Now as I say, this isn’t something that I think about often. To be honest, hardly ever. I think I used to think about it a little more when he first completely cut me out of his life. All the questions of why? Why suddenly I’m grown up you want nothing to do with me? And I guess I never got the answers for it. But sub-consciously is this it? Could this be the thing that has caused me anxiety? Am I fearful in my relationships now because he left me so suddenly? because I no longer feel love from my dad? Because somewhere in my mind maybe I am the hurt little girl who wasn’t and isn’t a priority to the one man in your life that is supposed to do right by you?
I have no idea. Just trying to explore.October 25, 2018 at 6:30 am #233219
That’s some very good introspective work by you, but honestly I can’t say. It would really need to be a therapist who looks into that, but it’s somewhere to start.
I explored the childhood thing with my therapist too and while I’m conditioned to be a people please etc since youth, he didn’t or I didn’t come across any major trauma which could have caused this anxiety, he feels it’s just my first love and were this to have happened me at 16 & 17 it would be more understandable to completely think the WORLD HAD JUST ENDED in a dramatic fashion. However it’s only happening me now but with the added pressure of age I feel the world is still ending but now have anxiety about where my life is not going.
Hopefully once you get your appointment, you can seek the insight you need.October 25, 2018 at 8:09 am #233253
yes perhaps you’re right. I dunno I guess I’m just trying to look for any explanation as to my feelings right now.
I feel like absolute shite this afternoon. God damn it this is bloody draining!!!!!!October 25, 2018 at 9:00 am #233275
I think that’s normal. I’m much the same, every self help, psyche blog/book I can read. I think it’s a need to understand or control in a world where everything has turned on its head.
Im with you this eve feeling like crap, there is nothing I want to do more than contact him. Well actually I’m dying to but too afraid to. So it’s a constant conflict. I think it’s normal though.
I’m trying not to berate myself these days for feeling how I’m feeling. It’s a balance though, because I need to heal too and I can’t do that if I’m stoll holding on, so I need to be careful. But it’s 5 weeks today so I’m not gonna stress too much yet that I’m stuck.
How are you faring this evening? If you lived where I lived I’d invite you round with Netflix and throw ourselves a pity party! But I don’t think we’re doing too bad a job on here- an online girl crew! And the odd guy poster too sorry!October 25, 2018 at 9:25 am #233285
Haha a pity party sounds fantastic right now!
Ive gone to get my nails done, just treated myself to an at home pedicure too & I will dye my hair. Self love and that.. other than that not coping at all. The plan is to distract myself all through the evening and tomorrow’s a new day!
Well done on hitting the 5 week mark pretty much cold turkey! It may not feel like an accomplishment but you are officially 5 weeks closer to recovery from this miserable phase of your life! 🙂
What are your plans for the evening?October 25, 2018 at 10:03 am #233299RebirthandRestart2018Participant
I completely agree with you both when you say that you’re just right where you are as it stands today. That is literally all we can do. Not to regress backwards or try to push forwards into things/feelings we aren’t bloody ready to do or feel yet. I (happily…or not) think that is actually the healthiest state of mind to be in, in this moment. It’s just acceptance and an ‘its ok’ to feel all the feelings as they come up, or we just end up boxing them up and they’ll come up full force in another time. Not pretty!
Kkasxo – It’s so hard to say for your situation as like you said, the only thing popping into your mind would be your biological dad leaving that got into your subconscious and it’s kicked it all off in this situation….hopefully once you get your appointment, yes, it might help deconstruct things a bit that you didn’t realise played a part. I actually thought my family life was ‘normal’ for years, because that is all I knew! I used to rack my brain whenever I kept reading on family reasons being the real issue for lots of people’s emotional baggage. Then only a couple of weeks ago it clicked. My home life as a child was so dysfunctional! Yet on the surface, because I had a mum, dad, nice house, got all my presents, food cooked etc, it was fine. The relationship between my parents was just craziness and full of resentment. So, maybe look into the relationship dynamics between your relatives? It might or might not bring anything up.
A little insanity to make you girls laugh tonight….I’m on the app Meetup to try and find new groups and interests I can go along to, in the hopes of making my own life better without needing a partner (new goal). So I joined this group called something like “self realisation and true life purpose”. As it’s based in London and I don’t live nearby, the organiser agreed to give me a 1:1 on skype this afternoon. I thought ‘ great how kind of her to reach out to me and help me make a start on my new journey ‘. Within 10 minutes she mentions this ‘seminar’ that changed her life forever and now she has everything she has ever wanted. She kept dropping in this ‘seminar’ and quite quickly I realised she was doing a sales pitch! I was quite disappointed as I thought it was just a support group I was entering into. She then tells me the next seminar is in Barbados on Paradise Island and a man called Dr Tony Quinn leads it. She started barking on about scientific proof of the people who finished the seminar had massive changes happen in their lives through changing their subconscious via this seminar. I checked in with my intuition and got that feeling in my stomach, so I cut off the call. I logged out to ignore her attempts at calling me back. I googled this Dr Tony Quinn and it’s part of a cult! He believes he can see through walls haha. These seminars are £12,000 for 2 weeks! My god my search for a bit of support and hobbies turn into me nearly being recruited into some weird spiritual cult!
Hope that made you smile 🙂