Home→Forums→Relationships→Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up
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November 15, 2018 at 2:26 pm #237033
ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
Sorry for the delay in replying. I went to my gp after work with what I thought was a simple problem and all of a sudden I got extremely ill in the waiting room. I was dizzy and nauseous and completely off balance. Turns out I have vertigo! Lovely! He gave me an injection and monitored me for 30 mins, but I was not allowed to drive so I had to leave my car there and call a family member to bring me home.
I’m feeling better since I slept for a few hours thankfully, but I’ll be off work tomorrow and it’s just a time I don’t want to be off work. Also, I felt so vulnerable this evening and upset because I just wanted to call my ex to come look after me.
You sound like you’ve had one heck of a day. Well done. Well done on going ahead with therapy despite the nerves. Well done for addressing the scariest parts of your heart and mind. It seems impossible to conceive of now, but you HAVE started your healing process. You’ve chosen to do something to help yourself. Don’t worry about finding the answers, they often don’t come straight away, but you’re giving your emotions and hurt valid ‘airtime’. You’re acknowleding out loud what happened to you.
I do believe you will heal. Over the course of life people have recovered from the most horrendous of atrocities. You deserve to be happy therefore you have to fight for that better life. It may not be easy and it may take a long time, you might feel broken, but you’re not broken beyond repair. You have too much self awareness to let what happened destroy the next 30,40,50 years of your life.
Take it baby step by baby step and feel it out as you go.
November 15, 2018 at 2:30 pm #237035ShelbyvilleParticipantValora,
You’re absolutely right. One of my biggest challenges in life has always been to just try and accept things when they are not as I want them to be. I feel the need to control, fix, change. Things outside my control seems like an alien concept.
I agree, I will keep experiencing that lesson until I get it, but I have no clue how. Have you any advice about how to come around to that level of acceptance?
November 15, 2018 at 2:44 pm #237037
KkasxoParticipantShelby,
Oh dear I’m sorry to hear that! My ex’s sister had Vertigo and it did not look pleasant at all so I wish you lots of rest and a speedy recovery! Did they say what could’ve brought it on? Is there anything that you can do to prevent any further outbursts? I can only imagine how difficult it is for you to withhold calling your ex to come and look after you! I find in times like these, times of need it is most difficult and most hurtful when you realise you actually don’t have anyone to call! I hope you feel better soon!
Yes, although today has been difficult it does too feel like a weight lifted off my shoulders. It feels like a new beginning… a beginning of my journey to heal!
For a long while I have avoided speaking to my family members about anything that could potentially bring up the events from the summer so not to hurt them however I disclosed to my mum today that I will be off to my first therapy appointment today. She approached me after to see how it went.. bless her she’s probably worried that I’m not doing as well as I may make out! I was honest with her and opened up about wanting to move past this horrible time in my life and that I am trying my best to rebuild my life. She then went on to mention that during her weekend away at my Auntie’s in Italy back in September my situation somehow came into conversation and it shed some light for her on what could’ve been my ex’s reasonings for his behaviour. She then went on to say that she believes if I wanted to, that he deserved a second chance provided that we reached a mutual understanding of the events around our break up. Absolute shock. She was reminiscing on the wonderful relationship that I had with him and said herself that she’s never witnessed anything like it before in her life. It was clear that we were meant to be. It is the first time she has spoken of him since June.
It doesn’t change anything as I am still unsure of how to proceed with my ex but it was nice to hear that she doesn’t completely despise him. Perhaps all this time she was on her own journey of forgiveness..
November 15, 2018 at 2:57 pm #237041ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
No idea what brought it on. Could be a virus, or maybe stress. I hope it’s a one off and I don’t get stuck with it, I have enough to be dealing with!
Thats incredible about your Mum. I’m glad you filled her in a little about your situation. It’s important for you not to always have to hide things around the people you love the most.
It also does take away a level of anxiety about reconciling if that’s what you choose to do as your family may be more understanding that you anticipated.
Keep going with the counselling and perhaps as the weeks go by things will become clearer. Maybe you do need to move on without any connection to those involved in the summer trauma, maybe your relationship could be like a phoenix and get stronger with your ex.
At the end of the day, we have one life and the point of it is to be happy. So whatever way that’s most likely, go for that! x
November 15, 2018 at 8:26 pm #237069
ValoraParticipantValora,
You’re absolutely right. One of my biggest challenges in life has always been to just try and accept things when they are not as I want them to be. I feel the need to control, fix, change. Things outside my control seems like an alien concept.
I agree, I will keep experiencing that lesson until I get it, but I have no clue how. Have you any advice about how to come around to that level of acceptance?
I think listening to Kyle Cease’s YouTube videos has helped me with that more than anything. That and just reading things on the internet about how to let go of control. It takes some work and a lot of self-talk, and you kind of have to reprogram the way you think, but it helps. I still have moments where I fall back into feeling like I need to know an outcome or like I want some sort of control over a situation, but that’s just where I have to remind myself that I don’t really NEED that and question WHY I want it. If I can figure out WHY I want to know that or what I think I’ll gain from it, I can sort of look at things more objectively and figure out if I really neeeed to know it or if I’m hoping something else will come from it and what the likelihood of that something I want happening is and then if it DOESN’T happen, how will I feel? Better or worse? Then I usually decide that the not knowing is better and I should just leave the past behind me and do my best to move forward.
November 16, 2018 at 12:58 am #237089ShelbyvilleParticipantThanks for the advice, I will watch those videos and begin to work on it. Through therapy I probably realise where the need for control began but it doesn’t help me get rid of it now!
Im feeling scared again this morning, due to being ill and so I’m out of routine. I have been functioning trying to fill my time in a manageable way- ‘controlling’ as much as I can again. But now I have no choice but to rest and be. I guess I’m afraid of the pain or dark thoughts moving in. Bed has been a difficult place to be the past 8 weeks and now I have no choice but to be here….
November 16, 2018 at 6:03 am #237129KkasxoParticipantHi Shelby,
Sorry for the late response I have been so busy with work today I literally haven’t had a moment to myself! Quite happy as the hours have managed to fly by without a thought of him! Yippeee!!
Are you feeling any better now at all? Have you been resting?
I do think all of the stress and anxiety is what might have brought on the Vertigo so it is important that you try to get lots of rest!
November 16, 2018 at 7:04 am #237773ShelbyvilleParticipantI’m definitely better today than I was yesterday. It’s been a really really tough day though as I plan most days off but had no plans for today as I was unwell so I’ve been feeling very down.
Im all day wondering how on Earth I’m going to be happy again without him. I’m so lost still and can’t envisage a time in the future when I’ll feel okay again. I really want to return to my old life but at the same time, I know I can’t. It’s torture.
Im so glad your day is flying by, that’s fantastic and let’s hope it continues. Any plans for this evening?
November 16, 2018 at 12:18 pm #238073ShelbyvilleParticipantI’m struggling this evening. It’s over 2 months since my ex broke up with me and I’m not over it. I’m not over him. I’m extremely lost without him and I spoke to my sister today and she says it’s up to me to change my life and live a better one.
I feel like I’m doing everything I possibly can, but my core feelings are not changing. I want to be back in his life. How am I going to come to terms with this? Anyone reading this thread will know, there is not a option to go back, so what fantastical daydream am I living in?
The therapist says I’ll feel better when I start to let go and move on, my closest family and friends say the same. But how on earth does one do that when every moment of every day is given to thoughts of him, despite engaging in as many distractions as possible?
Im so unhappy and the life I’m living right now is not a good one, it’s existing. There is no joy, no hope, no happiness.
November 16, 2018 at 1:28 pm #238077ValoraParticipantI’m struggling this evening. It’s over 2 months since my ex broke up with me and I’m not over it. I’m not over him. I’m extremely lost without him and I spoke to my sister today and she says it’s up to me to change my life and live a better one.
I feel like I’m doing everything I possibly can, but my core feelings are not changing. I want to be back in his life. How am I going to come to terms with this? Anyone reading this thread will know, there is not a option to go back, so what fantastical daydream am I living in?
I don’t know if this will help any, but 2 months really isn’t that long, especially depending on how you felt in your relationship. It literally took me at least 7 months to start feeling good again but I’d still cry often and missed him terribly and then it took another 3 months to feel better regularly, and now, a year after the breakup, I feel almost 100% back to normal. I still have my days where I get sad and wish he was still in my life, but they are much, much fewer now and I am not at all worried about whether or not I’ll find love again. I’m just sort of enjoying the good I have in my life. So be patient with yourself and give yourself as much time as you need. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel so that you can then let it go. No matter how long it takes you. It’s okay to not be over it yet and it’s okay to still be sad. I was sad for soooo many months and it HAS gotten better… way, way better. This year has been HARD for me, but working through all of the struggle has made me learn a lot about myself and it’s set me on a path that I’m happy to be on. These things just take time and some soul searching, but you can come out of it better than you ever were before.
November 17, 2018 at 10:32 am #238189ShelbyvilleParticipantValora,
Thanks so much for your advice. It makes me feel a whole heap better. I guess I get scared I’m not dealing with things properly if I’m still missing him, hoping he will come back, etc. You’re right, it has only been two months, and I guess from an outside perspective that’s not long, it’s just felt like an eternity to me.
I hope to one day wake up and feel happy in myself and not missing him or thinking about him every moment of every day. I just want to be happy but you give me hope that maybe that’s a possibility. Thank you.
November 18, 2018 at 9:18 am #238271KkasxoParticipantShelby,
Sorry for going offline for a little bit. We went ahead with our conversation yesterday as planned and it was quite a bit to handle at the time.
How are you?
November 18, 2018 at 11:05 am #238285ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
How are you doing now? Did it go okay for you?
Im ok today, I just have no idea why some days are manageable and some days I feel like I’m drowning without him. What makes one day different to another?!
November 19, 2018 at 5:51 am #238401KkasxoParticipantHi Shelby,
Our conversation was quite emotional but it did indeed feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders now that I have this in depth understanding of the motives behind his actions around the summer period.
I feel more, free. That’s the best way I can describe it.
Every day on this journey will be different. There will be days on which you almost find yourself living again rather than surviving and others you’ll struggle even getting out of bed. This is normal.
Can you maybe somehow relate this time to the last time you split up? How did you get through it last time?
November 19, 2018 at 2:03 pm #238525ShelbyvilleParticipantI’m really finding this split a lot different to the last. I was so naive the first time and also we weren’t as long together and I didn’t know at that point what I wanted for the future.
Also, other grief I hadn’t dealt with came up and really derailed me with anxiety at the time so the focus was not really on the breakup at all back then, it was about getting on top of crippling anxiety and panic attacks.
This time it’s more about him and the relationship and the plan I had in my head which is gone.
Im really glad you got some clarity about the summer. Do you think it’ll help you on your journey to decision or to heal?
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