Hi all,

Really sorry for going awol again! I won’t bore you with the ins and outs of the past few weeks as I have just read back on the posts and Oh Shelby!…

I’m so sorry to hear this. Michelle is right. You are a brave and courageous woman for going ahead and giving it that one last chance. For following your heart despite past experiences etc. You went against the odds and followed what seemed right for you and if that isn’t bravery, then I don’t know what is.

I honestly believe you have so many amazing times ahead of you, although it may not feel like it right now. You are a beautiful soul and feel like an incredible friend to me after only a few months of our communication, I can only imagine how much of a wonderful addition you must be to your dear family and friends!

You are a strong, kind hearted, educated, funny, quirky woman, any man would be lucky to have you.

As always I am here for the highs and the lows. Anything you need at all. I will keep checking back to hear back from you.

Sending you loads of hugs! Xx

Hey both,

Good to hear from you Kkasxo, hoping all goes well with the move – not too far off now I guess?

Shelby, glad you are getting through the days ok. Yeah, it can be hard when everybody else is pairing up and settling down, especially when it’s the ones you thought would be single with you for a while yet. It used to make me feel even lonelier at times if going out with happily-couple friends. But comparing yourself to others is a one-way street to disaster on anything, everyone has their own path, there is no such thing as where you should be, what you should have done by now etc, despite family/society pressure to say otherwise.  It just takes confidence to be able to ignore those opinions, especially when yours has just been badly knocked again, that’s all.

And if you want any travel advice – I’m your gal 🙂   What does your gut say about what you would like out of trip? How long do you want to go for? I wouldn’t worry too much about knowing what you want next, whilst your life is upside-down again for a while you will be all over the place with go/don’t go I think.  Or you could end up with the “s*d it, I’ll just go try” when you get tired of thinking about it all too much..

Hope you enjoyed your night out/away – sometimes when I least felt like gong out was when it was exactly the right thing to do!

If you are still on this forum, I am interested to know how you are doing now?  I’m hoping you have made progress and are coping better.

Hi Shelby.

Technology eh, how helpful – nothing like having to retype something you have already done…especially when tired and busy.

Anyway, good to hear from you as ever. I hope your Mum’s memorial went ok, that’s got to be tough to get through still.

But fantastic news on your first booking – that’s great! Yeah, scary but first steps and all that. Just imagine where it could take you 2 years from now! Good on you.

I know you didn’t mean it to be funny but did have to smile at the idea of travelling to the shop being too far, know what you mean there.  Yeah, I always thought a break-up was two kind of losses, one of the actual person/relationship and the other being the future you had imagined in your head, knowingly or not.

The second loss is the one that caused all the confusion for me, as in ‘well, if I’m not doing that then what am going to be doing’.  It takes time to refigure out who you are without the relationship & it’s planned future/way forwards.  The best thing I found was to not focus on imagining a future as I would start to panic with the not knowing and change from what I had expected. Instead I would literally focus on only doing things that made me feel better/good. So for me it was getting fit again, rebuilding friendships I’d dropped and trying to make new friends at the job I had just started – which was great timing when feeling like cr@p! As I felt better about myself, the rest started to drop into place – just don’t rush it and don’t feel the pressure to be dating again just because you think you should be “at that stage by now”.  There’s no scoreboard in life, only you.

Dear Stella:

We had a short exchange only once, and that was on October 12 of last year. On that day, before you signed your post with this name, Stella, you wrote to me: “as I mentioned before, I had a stable, caring upbringing as far as I can remember!”. Then I wrote to you, on that day, “Insight into the origin of your anxiety.. is a necessary part of healing.. a necessary beginning”.

On that same day, Oct 12, this was typed and submitted by you, Stella. It was the one and only time that you ended a post with Stella or mentioned your name otherwise. I am assuming it is your real name. (You did write later that Shelby is a nickname).

That one post is this: “I can think of one tiny small incident that may have scared me a little, but I never told my parents, I didn’t want to make a big deal of it and I wasn’t that young, maybe 10-12. If it’s something from younger than that, how would I ever remember it to heal it? Thanks, Stella”.

In the most recent post by Shelby, yesterday, she wrote: “a good sister, daughter and aunt. Is that what my life is meant to be? Am I meant to be here for them and try and make their lives better?”

Well, Stella, I noticed long ago that living for your family, being what you referred to as a care taker, a role that you chose or it chose you (your words) is that life experience you referred to repeatedly as “Meh”, surviving, not thriving, keep going just so to.. keep going.

This man in your life, that this thread is about, that was part of Stella’s life, not Shelby. He has been Stella’s desire, Stella’s passion. It was not part of the Meh, it was not part of the family care taker role, he was something of her own. Shelby is … sort of a side show for her family, there to make their lives better. But this man, he was Stella’s chance of being in the center stage of her own life.

Shelby is not very honest with herself or with others, but Stella, oh, she is honest and she is passionate, problem is she is locked in there. It’s been months since I have been thinking of Stella as this locked in child and I have been appreciating her desire for this man as her most authentic desire, almost as strong as authentic as her desire for life itself.

I have no questions for you, Stella because I don’t think Shelby will let you answer me. She will probably think I am a … dangerous online presence that will damage you.

I am smiling at the moment, thinking of Stella. She is so very precious. She deserves more than a Meh life. I hope she gets to experience the kind of life she desires so intensely.

anita