Hey both.

Yep, Cape Town was as awesome as ever. It’s also a huge culture shock even after your first trip, especially as we tend to explore outside the normal tourist areas too. Honestly, people in the UK have no clue what poor means in comparison, some of it is truly shocking – more so with the huge gulf to the wealth that is there too.  So I love it as much for opening my eyes to the reality of the worldas I do for it’s amazing natural beauty, food and ofcourse wine and beer!  We are now in the heart of the Winelands which is just a stunning place – a real treat to be able to stay here and enjoy everything the region has to offer. Hard to describe, just so generous and friendly and so alive.

So Shelby, what’s been the highlight so far – best thing seen/done/eaten??  Glad to hear you were looked after well when you got sick, I know that was one of your fears and seeing how it turned out just fine must be a comfort.  But seriously, wasting your time and mental energy on missing your ex, not surprised it’s pissing you off – it would me!  What a waste.  Ofcourse he isn’t thinking about or pining for you in the same way but nobody ever wants to hear that I know. It was still a right slap in the face when I found out my ex was seeing someone else as I defn still had those romantic notions so I get where your head is at. Tbh, it was helpful finding it out – no more pretending and hoping for me then!!  But hey, you are who you are and as ever you have two choices, look forwards or backwards. Up to you as ever.  It’s not about what you do – as you know, you can’t simply run away from it. It’s about accepting that it’s gone, be it for good or bad reasons, it doesn’t actually matter – it’s not going to happen how you want it to happen.  Look forwards to hearing more of your adventures and hope you manage to enjoy yourself a little at least.

Kkasxo – how goes it?? Did the seratonin help shift it all this time around? Hope the job search et al isn’t getting on top of you totally and that Mr A is doing his bit to be strong for you this time around at least. Take care eh, still here if you need us.

Hey both.

Absolutely I know what you mean about it gets in your soul – it’s inspirational stuff in all kinds of ways.

Whitsunday Islands look absolutely stunning in pictures so I can only imagine how good the reality must be!  You should be incredibly proud you have made it there by yourself – I know it isn’t how you wanted it to be but instead of regretting never making it in twenty years time, you now know you’ve done it, achieved one of your dreams and made it happen yourself – that’s awesome powerful stuff to know you can do.

I think everyone gets a little homesick when travelling around – it’s one of the big reasons why I stay a long time in each one – I like getting to know people there, having them recognise me and chat like friends. It’s funny – we’ve (re)met by accident several people that we befriended on previous visits entirely by accident and it really helps feel like you fit in like a proper local.  It’s not too surprising you started having stronger regrets on your ex when feeling low from being ill, a bit homesick and then rushing around whilst amazing is also incredibly tiring. It’s pretty natural to want your go-to comforter (in your case, your ex) when you are feeling a little less than awesome, a bit like the grown-up equivalent of a teddy bear for lack of a better way to describe it!  But knowing you are still having moments you are loving the experiences, where you are proud of yourself for making it happen – they’re the ones to cling to and let sink in. And just do what you need to recharge those batteries so you don’t feel quite so lost and tired and therefore needy.  A big hug from here in South Africa anyways to help you along the way to enjoying your next place!

Morning ladies,

Shelby, I’m so so so proud of you!!!! Look at you! Thoughts of the ex or not you are on the other side of the world, living, breathing, creating lifelong memories, it’s incredible! So so pleased for you!

I’m meh haha, is the best way to describe it.
I’m looking for a new job, recently celebrated my birthday and now feeling the extreme pressure of the ‘ticking clock’. I KNOW maybe it’s not necessary yet but nonetheless it is real. I think getting older puts into perspective how much I am completely not where I want to be in my life at all, and what makes it worse is that I am not actually even actively working towards that? Or so it feels like anyway. Myself & Mr A then celebrated our non-existent 4 year anniversary (I’ve got to laugh at this one, what’s there to celebrate?!) I kind of fell back into my deeply depressive modes and only slowly dragging myself back out. The up and down of it all is definitely a process. But I won’t bore you with my stuffs! Same old over here! Tell me about your travels 🙂

Hey Shelbs,

Sooooo as promised, my reminder popped up on my phone this morning to check in with you – a whole year later! Can you believe it?! Grateful for  crossing paths with you, although some miles away I feel as though you have been a very big part of my journey!

So seeing as we promised to ‘update’ a year later let’s try do exactly that. I think the last year has been one hell of a ride, a whirlwind to say the least. I definitely hit rock bottom, a rock bottom I didn’t even know existed prior to all this but then I came out of it. I think I made some good decisions & some bad which I am seeing now in hindsight, but hey that’s the thing about hindsight isn’t it! I am healing, I am learning everyday about all of my triggers and managing a life with PTSD. Of course I have had my ups and downs in the process but I am alive, I am breathing, I am going forward in whatever small steps I may be taking.

On that note & in response to your previous post, I think my birthday was a particularly difficult time as our family dog (who was with us for 16 years) got quite poorly and she actually passed away the same night so it was quite emotional, it’s still taking some getting used to not having her around when I’m at my mums. Things with Mr A are ‘good’ but more and more there are conversations of being on different pages. In actual fact, the last two or so I have said I wanted out.. that I think it’s for the best that we go our separate ways because I’m growing unhappy as a result of simply outgrowing him. He is holding on for dear life to put it simply, he gets it, he understands, but in his eyes we aren’t on different pages, it’s just our timings are a bit off and therefore we are ‘giving up a good thing’ without actually seeing it through. So who knows, i feel as though things are getting a little clearer for me each and every day. I’ve got this real motivation & strength at the moment to continue practicing my boundaries, follow my gut and do what’s best for me, even if it is scary and the outcome is ultimately unknown.

You though. I cannot put into words how proud I am of you for taking this leap of faith into travel and actually enjoying it. It’s amazing to hear how far you’ve come, even if you don’t think you have. What you are doing is extremely brave & definitely something you will remember for the rest of your life! This is a trip you will be telling your grandkids about in years to come. ‘Nanny went half way around the world by herself!’ It’s incredible.

I hope you’re enjoying your last days of travel & be prepared for the cold back here in the UK, autumn is really taking over in full now!

@shelbyville it is oh so nice to hear from you! For a second there you had me worried that something had happened on your travels, welcome, lovely to have you back 🙂

Ah anxiety, the dreaded anxiety eh! Don’t I know it all too well! Although I would say allow yourself to feel it all because it is another transitional period in your life now where you will be settling back into ‘reality’ so to speak, and the job search etc. I won’t lie, I’m on the anxious side of things also with no income as I’ve been out of work since the end of Sept now, eeeeek!! It’s not as though I’m not actively trying, I am!! I am continuously applying and speaking with recruitment agencies etc but I think it is just a tough time of the year for hiring with Christmas approaching etc? I don’t know. I really do hope that I find something soon.

Do you have any idea what you may be looking for in terms of work now?

Things with Mr A are the same as have been. Actually to be honest, I realised the other day that I couldn’t actually fault him because he is trying beyond belief. He’s so cautious and taking into consideration my anxiety, my mental health state etc, it is A LOT to deal with. He’s absolutely got his hands full with me (not purposefully) and it’s actually kinda admirable in a way…. but on the other hand I can sit and almost appreciate it but still feel like something is missing? I love him, no doubt, but is this it? I couldn’t say. In fact, I’d probably say I highly doubt it. Perhaps there are some similarities in this to yourself & your ex with the exception that I am clearly not capable enough to make the bloody decision!! It’s so frustrating! Although I do think that there are several factors that play a part in all of this, perhaps comfort, perhaps some feelings of love, history maybe? Or maybe fear? Maybe the idea that my trauma has completely changed who I am and maybe I am just waaaaaaayy too difficult for someone new to come in and understand etc. Who knows. I really really don’t.

Oh and to add to the equation, my childhood friend and bestest friend (the one who stuck by me through all aspects of my trauma) has just gotten engaged and is completing her purchase of their first home together this month! My heart is absolutely overjoyed for them both but I wouldn’t be lying if I said it was a little bittersweet.

So I guess in a sense things are a little bleak on my end too. No job, an up and down relationship, I have no idea what I really want. Or maybe I’m just incapable of working towards what I want? Or maybe I’m just one of the unlucky ones?

Tell me some more about this guy! You’re enjoying his company so he must be doing something right?! Also I’m happy that despite the history with your ex, the heartache and the worry that you’ll be alone,  have been proven (and fairly quickly too!) that there are indeed men out there who absolutely cherish the ground you walk on. Do you think this could potentially turn into something?

Yes it’s definitely not nice not having an income. I think slightly different for you as you spent your well earned money on a life-changing trip whilst I’m literally sitting at home, forever cleaning & cooking and absolutely rinsing every single Netflix series there is because I am simply bored! && yet the rent and bills aren’t going to pay themselves (although Mr A has been great & is very much taken on the role of ‘provider’ lol).

It is actually interesting that you mention the whole idea of maybe I might be preventing my own self from being happy despite ‘thinking’ that a relationship & commitment is actually what I want…. it’s definitely something I might explore. I think one of the things that I kinda noticed only a year or so ago is that my relationship with my biological father may have had some sort of knock on effect on my romantic relationships in my adult life. I think the fact that he was in my life up until I was 18 (that was his unconditional love for me right? The father to child love right?) and then disappeared without a trace with absolutely no need/want to be a part of my life… I think that hit me hard and perhaps sometimes I don’t allow myself to feel that. It’s something I never quite understood but nonetheless moved on from and it definitely isn’t something I think about often anymore. But I do believe that all the happenings around my trauma and the way Mr A left at the time felt very much like just another man who I trusted with my absolute life has decided I’m no longer good enough, he’s ‘done his bit’ and now he’s out. And with that I just cannot trust him in the way that I did before maybe? Im not sure. They’re all just notions aren’t they… I do think another thing for me is like we’ll be okay and then the future thing, that God damn future notion, it really is an issue!!!! We can go on and on and on and be absolutely fine and then I’ll get random spurs of OMG I NEED TO PLAN MY FUTURE! What are our plans?! Where is this going?! Are we on the same page?! And I read a beautiful article on Instagram actually that I really related to, and it said; ‘You can’t win an argument against your true nature, there is no wrestling your soul into a space with no growth and you cannot tell your spirit that she’ll have to wait because you are in love’… and that really resonated with me. Perhaps yes I really do want this to work by any and all means but my soul is just all round rejecting it because ultimately I cannot contain or restrain who I am at the core of me. I want what I want and that is just it. And the longer I try to excuse why it isn’t happening, or come up with reasons to remain in a place that isn’t actively working towards those things, the more my soul will keep pressing and the more random outbursts of panic I will have….

I understand the thing about not necessarily being alone but not being entirely happy and utterly head over heels in love. I do wonder though, is there absolutely nothing romantic that you see or could see in this guy? Forgive me for assuming because of course like anything, everything is always more complicated than it seems but some of what you say does sound like fear talking. Like you may indeed be cringing at the heart on th sleeve thing. Ultimately, you enjoy this guys time, he clearly makes an effort with you, to make you smile etc. Maybe at this stage it would be best to just take a relaxed approach to the whole thing?? Enjoy your time with him as you have been and let things pan out how they are supposed to without overthinking? I know it’s easier said than done!!