@shelbyville,

Hello Shelbs! Happy Valentine’s Day to you!!

I’m not doing too great, you can probably tell by my complete of lack of communication. That is throughout to be honest, my friends are wondering why I’ve gone awol again too but in all honesty life is just a little much sometimes.
The place I’m working at is extremely demanding and very exhausting mentally.. I found myself the other day having to lock myself in the toilet for a couple of mins at a time for a little breather. Although I couldn’t even get that as I was having terrible flashbacks – ah good old PTSD!!!!! I’ve never had it happen in the day, only at night which would keep me awake all night so this was news to me, I didn’t quite know how to deal with it in all honesty.
To be honest, I’m not good. I’m better than I was yes, but I am not good. I’m not happy. I have no purpose in life, I am floating from one day to the next with no idea where I am going. I’m incapable of making any real choices and decisions around my life. Ugh.

I am currently laying on my sofa watching Netflix with a banging headache whilst drinking a cup of coffee – nothing new this end unfortunately.

how are you? How is the job hunt going?

@adelaide so glad you had a good bday chick and you managed to make it about you. Keep going chick you are doing amazing

@shelby sorry to hear your feeling pretty much the same. I don’t  think you see how far you come but as Michelle said only you can pull yourself out..you’re at a crossroad abd need to let go of this narrative your existence is nothing without your ex. If you really think that then go get him and go make your life about him and do something be proactive you won’t need to be sad or broken any longer.

Why you are so pessimistic I do not know. However I think maybe  you didn’t like much of what I said in my last post so I’ll keep my beak out.

@Sarah sorry to hear you are going through another heartbreak but be proud you Carried on and gave your heart to someone again. The right one will treasure and you give hope to me that even after 5 years of being consumed by my ex I will fall again and love again. I hope you are doing well x

@Adelaide you’re welcome chick. I’m ok I have my low days too where I feel the same.. .why did i fall for him and i was happier person before “love” but one thing that changed within me was I refuse to let him define my future because there is better out there and I’m determined to experience it. Can you imagine what being with the right person will feel like if the wrong person made us think we found real love? It will be much more amazing. I want to be happy and only I can make myself happy so I have continued to push through. My new boyfriend is away on holiday and I’m finding it harder than I thought. I’m scared of falling too deep again but he has the patience of a saint. The more understanding he is the more it motivates me to be better. My ex was toxic I just couldn’t see it. The whole avoidant thing I get completely. It wears thin. You end up despising yourself and destroying your own self esteem. It is toxic and what my ex used to do. One day be very affectionate and next day disappear or go cold. You dont need “love” like that in your life. It is purely selfish. Real love is the opposite a person will meet you halfway at the minimum.

I’m sure you looked beautiful in your dress! Keep going chick. You deserve better. We all do otherwise we our hearts wouldn’t be breaking the person we love would have loved us better too.

Hi Shelbyville,

I’ve been reading this forum and although I haven’t had chance to read the full thread, I feel like you still haven’t found the hope you’re looking for ! I just want to share my story with you.

I’m 29 and I met my ex boyfriend 3 years ago, and in comparison to the other men I had previously been in relationships with, I thought he was amazing. He was funny, handsome, emotionally available (to an extent), caring & generous. I thought I had finally hit the jack pot! Within a few months we were completely in love….

After approx. 1 year, I started to feel anxious, and had a sense of dread most days. I was unsure what triggered it but my anxiety seemed to be based around my boyfriend leaving me. Perhaps I had intuitively picked up on him distancing himself from me? We were arguing regularly about him going out too often with his female friends, and me being uncomfortable with how close he was to them (it was a bit ridiculous).

Anyway, after coming home with me to meet my parents, he broke up with me several days later. This had been my only experience of men so far, that they break your heart, but I had convinced myself that he was different and wouldn’t do that. I was devastated. Much like how you describe your pain in your initial post. The feeling went on for weeks. I would wake up in the middle of the night and cry, or at the weekend I would find my own company intolerable. Great friends helped, working helped, running helped. Not much feeling the void in my heart, apart from time to heal and acceptance. I would say it took 6 weeks for the pain to subside even slightly, and a full year for it to go away. You begin to realise your greatness and worth without the other person, and you build a life for yourself. You see other men around and start to notice them. You realise that everything seems to happen for a reason, and a break up is a blessing in disguise.

I am now two years down the line, have been single up until very recently when I met a new guy who is absolutely lovely. Who knows, maybe this won’t last either, but I have way more faith in myself go cope, and the universe to keep me on the right track. Chin up, keep doing what you’re doing and it will pass.

C x

P.S a journal really helps too!

I’m having a very weak day . My friend / mew boyfriend (we haven’t defined it yet or imay well not even get the chance now.)  He came back from his holiday. He was tired and I went round uninvited to see him but he wasn’t very enthusiastic. So I let my anxiety and mind go into over drive and started accusing him of being cold and having another person in the picture from holiday maybe. He is normally so patient but snapped and said he has tired and insulted i had accused him of cheating and that he has always been there for me working hard and taking it slow for me  ( I have been slow to get too physical because bonding like that is a vital part of a relationship so it frightens me as I worry what if I fall and lose him) he said he didn’t want to get into a barney and it would better if I left. So I left.

He left a message saying being in his position was so hard and he was trying. Then he hasn’t been in touch. He has switched off his phone. I’m scared now I ruined it. I ruined something good for me. I’m angry because my ex has a hold of my life still. He couldn’t make me happy and now I’m ruining everything for myself due to baggage from that relationship. I have taken my new friend/ boyfriend for granted. His love for granted. I’ve ruined it. Now he might not even want to try anymore. What shall I do? My anxiety is at sky high I feel like I’m going to be physically sick. Why couldn’t I have appreciated his efforts before I opened my big fat mouth. I’m selfish maybe I dont even deserved to be loved by someone like him.

@shelbyville and @adelaide thank you for replying I really do appreciate any input and the guidance.

Yesterday I was overwhelmed to the point I just felt overcome by my emotions i couldn’t breathe but now even though I’m feeling anger towards myself i also am calmer to at least collect or try to make sense of my thoughts.

Anxiety will always be a part of my life in some form. I’ve suffered since a child with anxiety. It only occurred in a heightened or really destructive way after my last relationship

Those around me who I’m close to and I trust say I am in the wrong for the way I have been treating him and have pointed out something which if I am brave enough to acknowledge will determine exactly what path I take.

l know they are right and being honest for my own good. I’ve never appreciated bias and I often feel therapists or some people (with no bad intention) can sugar coat things or say what we want to hear in that moment to make what we are doing appear not so bad. When really the cold hard truth is what is needed to progress because when you remove your own blinkered glasses facts are facts.

I could ease my own guilt or be kinder to myself by explaining my silly behaviour or actions as a result of my past circumstances but truth is like my close ones have said I am still doing wrong by Jay (my nn for him I dont want to call him friend or boyfriend because he is more than that he’s a human an amazing one too)

The hardest or frustrating part is I don’t want to be doing that to him. I really don’t. Yet I find myself here acting out 🙁 but why? the consensus amongst my close ones is I’m actually falling in love with him unconsciously even if I chose not to acknowledge it properly and I actually think there’s truth in it..

@shelbyville you said the right relationship will not give anxiety but I feel most of my anxiety arises or is rooted in me being scared to acknowledge my actual feelings whereas before I would have allowed it to happen. This is all because the prev man who I thought I’d loved and would never hurt me, did hurt me. I’ve gone past the stage where I pined for him and what I thought was my happy ever after. If someone was to ask me do you still love your ex. I’d say yes a part of me always will. I gave so much of me to him. But I don’t want what we had anymore it wasn’t enough and because it took so long to realise that it has ripple effect on my current life.

When I stop feeding this fear and be rational like I’m trying to right now I see as clear as day.
When I met first met Jay i was in the get under someone to get over someone phase. I thought that would heal my broken heart. Then he walked in and was just different, a breath of fresh air. I wasn’t ready for anything real but at the same time I found I couldn’t not have him around. I was in a very bad place and would pull him in and then push him away. At Christmas when I was at my lowest and at a point I questioned my existence I realised enough was enough I wanted to be happy me again. The time away from him made me still want to reach out to him and my feelings made no sense I thought at the time is this because he filled a void. But today as i type this up and think about him with clearness and time goes on I realise how he adds to my life not takes. He brings me warmth and makes me happy . He supports me. He encourages me to be a better person because he could do so much better than me but he still chose me so I want to be better for him. He is the most patient man I’ve ever met, he makes me laugh and most of all healthy for me, when I don’t give into my insecurities and into my critical thoughts.

You say it’s my own issues, yes they are . I’ve tried working on them. But in life you can’t stop and do things in order. Chaos is something that is often needed to push you or else you miss the opportunity. I know I will regret it if I don’t see sense and let go of being selfish because I want to protect myself. I wasn’t a selfish person in matters of love before I met my ex. I fell for my ex wholeheartedly. It angers me that I allow myself to be overcome by the aftershocks of my ex relationship and everyone sane can see I’m ruining something good. I just don’t know how to face it without anxiety winning.

Jay is more of man than my ex will ever be because in our current state he has shown me more than my ex did over 5 years, he pulled me out of my depths of despair when he could have easily walked away. He stayed when he so easily could have left at such an early stage of our relationship.

I’m tired of the “work on myself” it isn’t moving me towards him I feel it’s hindering me. I just want to enjoy him. I have a person who is emotionally fully available and the way he treats me he deserves the same Genie who fell hard without fear like before. Whether it works or not is another story but to sabatoge it before it’s even begun is foolish of me. I have been selfish and not acknowledged my behaviour.

I give him him crumbs to stick around then end up pulling stunts like the above. You say I shouldn’t be scared of losing him and if I am it means it’s not healthy but are we not scared of losing anyone we care about aren’t all humans like that? If I end up losing him now..will that mean he was toxic for me too? I don’t think so it would mean I let my demons win.

I miss the old me but I can never be her again as part of her died in the 5 year relationship. I don’t know what to do. If Jay decides he has had enough I have to accept it was my selfish actions in trying to protect myself that pushed someone I actually love away. Right now I just want him to hold me but I can’t because I’ve ruined it. I pushed too far.

Hey all,

Checking in from KL. Last day in Malaysia, fly out to Vietnam tomorrow. Georgetown was fantastic, loved every second of it. Awesome food, comical art, gorgeous buildings, our week flew by. Now in KL which is, well, a city. So it’s fun to see the famous sights but I’m fine to be moving on after three nights.

Seems like everyone has been up/down whilst I’ve been ‘away’. If it helps;

@Genie. First up – breathe! Get outside, get running, whatever it takes to calm down. At the moment all your actions are coming from anxiety and fear.  If it’s as good as a relationship as you believe, this one argument is not going to be the end. Nor do you want to go jumping into bed with him or declaring your undying love just because you are scared of losing him now. You guys sounded like you were on a good slow path, have faith in yourself and him and the relationship.  There’s always risk involved in anything we do – what’s important is choosing what risks we think are worth taking. It does sound like you owe the guy an apology for turning up unexpectedly and then accusing him of cheating on you.  That’s just your fear and lack of self-confidence talking – no evidence/facts.  Where are you guys at now – have you contacted him to talk?

I do tend to disagree with Shelby – all relationships can cause anxiety if you let them. So it isn’t a case of finding the right person who doesn’t you make you anxious but understanding your own triggers. Then instead of reacting and responding out of fear when you are triggered, you can sit with it, knowing it’s ‘just’ your fear and wait for it to pass.  Then you can choose how to act, not simply react. A huge difference.  So no, you shouldn’t wait until you are completely fine and have finished working on yourself – because that is never going to happen for any of us – life is an never-ending learning curve, that’s what makes it interesting! But likewise – don’t jump in just because you are now scared of losing this guy – that’s just reacting out of a different fear. Reach out for him from a position of hope, of making the relationship even better. Think about what you can offer him emotionally/for support too. Be ready to be a partner, not a dependent.

@Adelaide. I’m glad your day went ok. It sounds like you have come a long way still – the piece you mentioned about the anxious types is spot on. As above, the more you understand about what triggers you, what you want – the easier it gets to find it – and as importantly – to say no when it isn’t what you want. This is why it’s so powerful you understand that not continuing with your ex is the best thing for you, even when it makes you sad. Absolutely, if you were in a more secure emotional position yourself, it’s amazing the difference it makes to how you perceive the same situation. So keep it up! I admit, I’m a bit skeptical of some approaches suggested. For me, it’s always been the combination of learning and action. One without the other makes no sense. It’d be like training for a marathon by “thinking yourself fit” or vice versa “running around bare-footed and starving hungry and wondering why I can only do a few miles”!! You get the point 🙂   It’s by learning how to see things differently and then acting on it by stretching ourselves outside our comfort zones, that we grow as people.

@Shelby  Hey m’dear – sounds like you are doing pretty well to me! I know you think you haven’t progressed but if you read back over these you truly have. The Shelby I ‘met’ at the start would never have had the courage to do some of the things you have now done.  I think the approach you are taking to make it less about the ex sounds right – mostly as I remember that eventually it became less about missing my ex specifically but being aware that I was lonely without a partner.  If it helps, it was over a year before I was vaguely interested in the idea of trying to date anyone else and the first couple of those were disasters, in that I quickly realised I wasn’t interested in that way! Bit like you and your current guy/friend I guess.   So absolutely – stop with the “I’m still sad, broken and missing my ex”. You are much more in the “I’m sad and lonely at times but capable of doing much more than I thought which gives me confidence to work on the next step”.  If you have managed to get back to your therapist I’m guessing at some point they will encourage you to revisit the idea of talking about your Mum & best friend, which I hope helps you come to better terms with attachments and accepting the lack of security that goes with them, regardless how good they are.

@Kkasxo.  You sound like you are struggling and withdrawing – I hope you are finding support from your family and if possible from a referral back to the therapist who at least helped a little before. You know we are always here for you but I know how hard it is to have the energy to reach out when you are down. So we’re reaching out to you instead and hoping you are doing ok.  I can see you also avoid replying about Mr A, so I am guessing you know deep down he isn’t helping your situation but it’s just something else that’s too much to deal with on top of everything else right now.  And that’s ok – it’s whatever you can deal with, one step at a time. Take care.