@Michelle I’m glad you are having a great time on your travels and even more glad you gave had bit of time to log in and give me perspective.

@adelaide and @shelbyville did a great job if calming me down. Like I said in my previous post I am starting or in love with him, I just couldn’t see through my fear but you are right it would be silly to declare it at this point as it would be a knee jerk reaction. Jay got in touch with me himself to check how I was doing and reassure me that he just needed space but still wanted to progress this , that alone made my heart hurt because of how I’ve been with him and equally feel alive because he saw something worth working on too. I agree about the working on yourself concept you can’t expect to do that first then try at a relationship. We would miss too many opportunities. I feel like I have a very good man here. He encourages me, supports me , he accepts my flaws. I just wish I could let go of the anxiety entirely that can be so gripping but it’s part of me and I just have to learn to control it.

I have apologised to him and I am working on a few ideas to make him feel valued too once he is ready. I just hope I don’t act out like an idiot again and I can contain myself whilst he needs space.

@michelle @shelbyville,

Evening ladies,

I have no idea why I no longer receive the notifications to my email when I am being tagged in posts.

I still very much check back on the forum often but have noticed our new ladies here on the forum and just don’t want to interrupt the productive trail of thought – silly way of thinking really so but I guess we’ve got my PTSD brain to thank for that! I’m so glad this is still such a safe and understanding place to come to! It has absolutely been my life saviour at one point and I’m glad it’s being just as effective to others. You ladies are incredible!

Michelle, you are absolutely right. I’ve been in withdrawal mode for a little while now again. I guess the demands of this job aren’t helping as I am constantly so drained from energy I really don’t have the will to do anything other than work and sleep, as if I am already not emotionally drained enough! My family have finally decided that they’ll be going in May. It’s official, date set etc. Shock. It’s crazy because no matter how much you prepare yourself it’s still so sad when push comes to shove. So I’ve made the decision to move back into my family home so I can live with my sister for a while during this transition… Mr A included although I don’t really know if we’ll proceed with that in the end.
The reality is, we are good but we are not good at all. I don’t actually know if there is love like that there per say. I do love him, I think in some way I always will but am I in love with him like that anymore? Who knows. I’ve been trying so hard to figure everything out and it seems I can’t even find the answers to my own questions. I don’t think I’ll find answers in the end.
I’ve decided though to not be so hard on myself about the decisions I’ve made post-trauma (or try not to anyway) because it’s all deeper than I can really comprehend and I guess you can never be angry at yourself for following your heart, which is what I did when we were getting back together. Trauma bonding, a shared trauma, years full of love, an idea of a future together, my PTSD, my shattered self-worth, the idea of being so broken beyond repair that no one will ever want me again, I guess they are just a few out of a long list of things that contributed to my decisions over the last two years.

In a way, I think my PTSD will mean I’ll never really be able to make a decision without questioning it. But this illness is one I’m going to have to learn to live with I guess, I just hope one day ‘enough’ really isn’t enough because I won’t lie when I say it is exhausting every single day.

I hope you are both doing well.

Michelle, you never fail to share with me your greatest life advice. But how is life treating you? I hope you are well and content and happy and no doubt planning another exciting adventure somewhere?

Shelby my love, I wish I could take all this away from you to be honest. I really cannot wait to see the day when I come on here to read how utterly and blissfully happy you are.

I really did think we would be so much further along the line at this point. And yet so much like you I feel I’ve come a long way and yet have not moved an inch really! It’s so frustrating and confusing.

Sending you both the biggest of hugs!

@Kkasxo

I’m sorry you felt you shouldn’t comment incase you interrupted my drama lol. But this is yours & @shelbyville thread. You two both have amazing courage and have come much further than you think. You should be proud of yourselves. I think you too don’t give yourself enough credit after facing such a traumatic time. Keep swimming chick! Thank you for creating a space where others like myself can feel safe to comment.

I hope we all find love again and our happy place in this rollercoaster ride called LIFE! Jay and I have stalled and I just feel numb. Do I push him to see I want the relationship or let go and if he is meant to be he will return?

Sometimes our own actions cause a ripple/domino effect on what’s to come I just wish I knew that sooner.

I just need someone to give me their perspective. Jay and I have been a bit distant but he met me for lunch today and it was lovely, I laughed and felt like I always do around him..HAPPY! I was scared to discuss the situation between us so just ended up enjoying his company and keeping it light. So we didn’t touch on anything. Although we haven’t gone all the way because intimacy that deep still scares me. We always used to kiss etc but he didn’t, instead of giving me his hand, he gave me his arm to link. I’m now scared I know I have real feelings for him but he seems to have backed off.  When I got back I messaged him thanks for a wonderful lunch and I would like to talk about where we stood… he said the best thing for my wellbeing was to be friends and not put any expectations on it from his end and if it becomes more then it does. My anxiety is starting to rear its ugly head but I’m trying to breathe… telling myself it was always going to be a slow burner and that is what I initially who didn’t want to rush in and get my heart broken. But now i feel i won’t even get the chance as he seems to have had enough? What shall I do.. I feel panicky but I’m really trying to think it’s ok, I need to let ho of this need to control it in my way and let it be. Breathe. Help?!

@shelbyville this has been running through my head since I read about your description of your ex on your 3rd time. What if Jay just wants the physical intimacy and then leaves? Or that was what he wanted but given up to find it elsewhere. Like you said you and your ex didn’t get affectionate at first when you rekindled the 3rd time, I used to do the same with my ex but would end up giving in but hortly after we would part ways again. My ex knew he could get me because I loved him.What if your ex just wanted to get laid and you were the easy option. My ex would do the same when we would try again at first I would be reluctant but end up giving in but hortly after we would part ways again. My ex knew he could get me because I loved him, I wanted him so he had a hold over me hence the feeler texts . What if Jay does the same… what if he’s using me. Why are my thoughts so crazy right or is there substance to them ?

Hi @adelaide,

My thoughts got out of control. Reading back over the last post I feel so stupid. Better said here than to him. He is nothing like that and nothing like my ex so I shouldn’t expect the same behaviour of him or to automatically categorise him as someone who will hurt me when he’s been nothing but patient and supportive whilst getting nothing substantive in return. I think because I finally realised my feelings are more it’s scary to thing about the loss now. I cherish him being part of my life , it was a slow burner and that’s what I need to accept i can’t control everything now that i want it to go faster and enjoy it. He may need his time. It’s only fair and he deserves the best and if he now has doubts I can’t really blame him after how I was. So I’m going to try and be patient. Meanwhile show him that I want him as that was something he felt he didn’t feel..wanted by me. Anyone got any tips?

Adelaide I’d say good on you for enjoying a hit of a flirt but tread carefully I wouldn’t recommend continuing this if you don’t see something fruitful or anything more appealing in that person. It’s not worth the short buzz and you would be selling yourself. short. You’ll end up relying on things like this to boost your self esteem when that has to come from within. That kind of stuff is best enjoyed in a unison where both of you feel more, drawn to each other on other aspects too then in person that electricity helps develop it into a relationship..don’t do hook ups it will just damage you further. My opinion only.

I’m so proud of you though chick for carrying on and being so self aware. Xx

Hey @genie. Sorry you are feeling so lonely girl. Don’t feel stupid. Like you say, better said here than to him. I think your answer lies in the last post where you say that you can’t control everything and just have to be patient. I know that that’s hard to deal with when you are feeling particularly anxious; I find it almost impossible, but it’s true. I think you are doing very well by choosing to clarify your thoughts here before taking any action with him; that in itself is choosing not to give in to anxiety. Are you guys seeing each other in person at the moment? Maybe when you organise to meet up next time you can ask him if he’d be willing to chat about where you’re both at, that way he has a heads up that it’s coming. Make it clear that it doesn’t have to be a totally ‘reveal all’ discussion, that you just want to check in because you really like him. And also that if he needs more time that’s fine too, that you appreciate the patience he has shown you and you are willing to do the same. Only you know whether doing something like that would work as you know yourself, him, and your relationship better than I do… but it does seem to me that some kind of conversation needs to happen as anxiety inducing as that prospect is.

Thanks for your advice re this new person I am talking to. You are right, of course. Hookups and getting short buzzes from flirting is more damaging in the long run. I don’t want that really, I want intimacy and that’s different. We’ve kept chatting and have got into some deeper conversations as of late. I told her that I am trying really hard to be more vulnerable and authentic in the connections I form with people  even though that’s scary, and she responded well.  I don’t know if it will eventuate into anything but I do enjoy talking to her. It’s clear that she has her own anxieties and baggage as I do but she promised to always be honest about where she and her feelings are at. So we will see… personally I am proud of myself for putting myself out there again even though it may well lead to more hurt in the long run and acknowledging I still have work to do to find validation in myself rather than seeking it from others.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. I would say that the “old Genie” is still there and still strong, she’s just had a knock and is hiding at the moment. She’ll be coaxed out with time, patience, and kindness. Always here if you need an ear!