@genie, sorry at the time I posted you hadn’t yet but my post required approval, I guess because I posted a link. I am beyond thrilled to hear about your chat with Jay going so well! Like Shelby said you absolutely deserve this, and I am so proud of you for taking such a considered approach even when all your instincts are telling you otherwise, and even when you know there are risks! That is truly triumphing over anxiety. And undoubtedly there will be times you feel gripped by it again but the important thing is that you can rely on yourself to get through and let it pass. Amazing!!

I agree that this thread has helped me through some extremely low days, and I have endless gratitude towards you all in taking the time to give me reassurance, encouragement and honest advice. I would be in a very different, much less strong place without it I feel.

@Michelle it is so nice to hear from you! Glad you are safe. Fingers crossed things remain under control and you are able to get out! Thanks so much for valuing my contributions. You’re right, ignorance truly is bliss… but then I guess as the saying goes knowledge is power! And yup, the people pleasing is such a hard habit to break and there are a plethora of logical reasons why, as a disabled woman, I have developed it – so I don’t begrudge myself for it but like you say, about taking the opportunity to recognise it and react differently. Thanks for your reassurance about reaching out to my ex. She replied and thanked me for being so lovely. And my poor heart for a moment divulged in a fantasy about getting back together, but the difference from a few months ago is that I can much more easily correct that thinking with a dose of reality. And the reality is that neither of us would be able to meet each other’s physical, emotional, and communication needs- I mean god, that was hard enough when we weren’t in the middle of a global pandemic with her respective health needs and my accessibility ones! So yes while I still care for her a lot, the fantasy of her being the person for me is over and that feels good tbh.

I’m also currently coaching a friend through a breakup and it feels really gratifying having all these lessons to pass on. He’s currently trying the “I’ll just try keep in casual contact, I can’t do no contact” approach which I remember extremely well. But people have to figure this stuff out in their own time. You definitely all helped me with that too.

The world is certainly a scary place to be at the moment. Unlike a lot of countries we don’t have community spread here yet and the govt has taken extreme border measures early. But only a matter of time it seems. Feeling thankful for how adaptable being disabled has made me – I am used to living with extreme uncertainty, having to change plans and make peace with having restricted access to things all the time – but also acutely aware of my and many friends’ vulnerabilities as a result. Very sensible to avoid the news and just take things one day at a time.

Shelby, so impressed with the reaction to your ex’s text!! You have come a hugely long way. Really!

Sending love and calming vibes to all. xox

• This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Adelaide1.

So anxiety has reared its ugly head real bad. London is going to go on lockdown where my family is and I’m scared. I’m scared as I’m alone here and have a runny nose and can’t be with the rest of my family due to the severe risk to my sister! I contacted Jay to tell him I’m lonely but he has no choice but to stay with his parents so I’m trying not to be selfish but the irrational part of me is feeling abandoned.

On top of that my ex can you believe it my ex after over a year He contacted me..asking about my sister and saying take measures and care. What is he playing at? Looking for someone to quarantine with? My head is now analysing this and my chest is tight! Help make sense please?!

Hey all.

Well, fun and games here in Vietnam still, all a bit crazy as you can imagine 🙂  Several flight cancellations and a lot of time spent figuring out a way home that wouldn’t trigger a mandatory 14 day quarantine!  But hopefully will be arriving back in the UK on Tuesday morning.

@ Genie. You said before you appreciated people being honest with you. I’m with Adelaide on this one. Your ex is contacting you purely because you have a long history together and he knows you have a higher at risk than most sister that you will be concerned about. It is not a sign he wants to quarantine with you or to get back together in anyway, simply a normal human reaction to make sure someone he knows is doing ok in these crazy days.  Re Jay, I’m still with the wise Adelaide here too. Whilst you are so worried and anxious, your chances of reacting badly with him are sky rocket high. Put it all here. He has not abandoned you and it is not his job to look after you. This is your chance to show him how you can conquer your anxiety and be supportive, not draining and something else he has to worry about. Yes, it’s tough and scary on everyone as it’s all changing so rapidly. Honestly, the more you read about it, the more anxious you will get. Trust me, you guys know I’m pretty level-headed and have a good risk attitude but even I’m having to limit checking my flights still exist to once a day! It’s really really easy to get caught up in the media. A runny nose is not a symptom of anything but a normal cold or an allergy. Not C-virus.  Try as best as you can to stick to the facts of what’s known, manage what risks you can do something about – i.e. staying away from your sister and staying as healthy as you can. We are never in control and that’s what is scaring most people as this situation exposes that so bluntly. It will pass but it will take some time.

Hope it helps – take care all eh.

Hey Genie. First up, don’t ever apologise for your rants – that’s exactly what this forum is here for – a safe place to dump out everything that’s worrying you.  I also think it’s just useful to get a different perspective on it, especially when you know you are prone to anxiety.  Some people would have got angry or defensive at my response so kudos to you for understanding how it was meant – see, you are tougher than you know and think 😉

Yeah, your ex may well likely be sniffing around to see what’s possible, after all, that was your pattern. But what’s really important here is that you have changed. You know he’s no good for you and the relationship isn’t going to give you what you want long-term.  You are starting to investigate truly what’s possible with Jay. I suspect your ex will be surprised when you (hopefully!) turn down any ‘kind’ offers of  another short-term buzz of your physical connection and some company – you already know how that will play out and I hope you choose better for yourself 🙂

Re Jay and the parents, clearly your decision as always but perhaps try and think it through without letting fear win and drive your anxieties. It’s not that long ago you were writing on here about falling in love with him and wanting to try a relationship with him. Meeting the parents simply means as much or as little as you and Jay want it to mean. It would be a good way of showing him you are trying to be closer, which is what you do want? Otherwise can I suggest you explain it well to him just so he understands and doesn’t feel like it’s you pushing him away again, simply because of your fear.

Take care all.

PS Flights still on as of now & I only checked twice yesterday, see, we’re all very human 😉

Hi everybody,

Firstly @Michelle you have a wealth of experience and are straight to the point and right. It would be stupid of me to ignore your advice and go on the defensive. It will only cause me to go backwards and I really don’t want that for myself anymore.

Ii have made another step in progress , I was strong and when the opportunity rose I did turn down his “help”. For once he may be feeling what I felt after each break up or surprised at least like you said. You are right I’ve recognised even though I loved him he couldn’t meet my needs. If we went back there again, it would only be a matter of time before we had the same commitment issues and me bending over backwards for him and not have my needs met. I don’t want to ever go back to those dark feelings after each breakup for a short buzz even if that physical aspect has always been tempting. It’s done and over. I can’t help but carry a bit of love for him but I know he isn’t healthy for me now. I think even if Jay wasn’t around I’d decide the same so I’m really feeling this has been a big change in me.

Meeting the parents for me has always been a big step. What worries me is that I don’t feel I’m at my best and don’t want any anxiety to ruin it for me. I’m glad you mentioned to convey it to Jay. Because in my fear and anxious moment I didn’t even think to see what impact it would have on him. This is where I feel I I don’t deserve him, I can be so selfish which was never me before. I really need to work on that. Jay was understanding as ever. I actually sent him something to make him feel appreciated after you mentioned that.

I didn’t think I’d find love again, I didn’t even realise it was there. But this is a different kind not the rush of excited highs with my ex. It’s a steady warmth, calming encompassing one that makes me feel like I can finally be the unmasked version of myself, I feel seen and understood. It’s incredible. He really taught me to have more self worth. It’s amazing when someone shows you real love. I would be a fool to mess this up so I need to take it slow and not get ahead of myself. It’s hard to explain. I really want the whole thing but once I have it I’m scared I guess of it heading the same way as my relationship with my ex or me messing it up due to the scars from that relationship. But at the same time Jay is x10 the man in terms of meeting my needs so I need to have more faith.

@michelle I hope you got your flight safely home. Fingers crossed.

@adelaide as you mentioned you and @shelbyville got a text from ex too. You too made the hard but right decision to understand it’s very easy in times like this to go back to what you knew and were comfortable with. However we do deserve better for ourselves. You will find someone who you connect with and can totally be yourself, needy in the ways you want and met half way to have a much healthier relationship. I really hope you get to experience that as that feeling of finally being seen for who you are is amazing. It will make you realise what true love is bringing out the best version of each other and working hard equally hard together to make it work.

Dont be hard on yourself about your interactions with your acquaintance. But it’s not worth it chick. Few post ago I mentioned I was in that mindset when I left my ex but those superficial level connections give you short term ego boost but long term damage your self esteem. Does this person even care for who you really are? No, so don’t put your thoughts into this person.

You can learn new skills, online courses. Puzzles, learn new cooking recipes,watch Netflix, clean my place is sparkly now for once.

I hope you all stay safe and healthy. I hope our families and loved ones are safe too. We should aim to make it out the other side as better people and it really is a time when you realise the good people in your life. So hold onto.them. love you all chicks. Xxx

Hi @Sammy,

@shelbyville has created a great space for us all to rant and work through our issues . I know I’m grateful for the wonderful chicks on here.

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through heartache from your break up. Anxiety is a bitch. No one understands until they have experienced it. I’ve had it in varying forms all my life but with coping techniques and support I find it can be tamed. So firstly you need to breath. INHALE. EXHALE. It will go away. I’ve found doing mindfulness and the calm app lately has helped greatly.

I know you probably deep down know the answer but don’t want to come to that realisation but my advice is always straight up. What you choose to do is your choice though at the end of the day.

I know right now you want to hear everything will be ok and your ex will see sense and the fact you were together for 4 years means the love is strong and you will make your way back to each other. But the reality is it is over, it was over the moment he repeated the same actions without really implementing any change. It is over for a reason. I’m not denying you love him, but the sooner you recognise that you deserved that same pouring of love in return, your perspective will change.

This comes from loving yourself and having good self worth. The reason why most of us on here find the heartbreak so intense and letting go hard is rooted in our own insecurities.

Our own lack of worth, our own battles with the mind that we will never find someone again so we put this person on a undeserving pedestal and berate ourselves. If you have read the thread then you’ll see my journey and the reality is even if you make your way back for the 5th time it will end the same if you have different wants, needs and communication styles. Your friend is correct, all relationships have issues. It requires work. The ones that work though are when you have two people who are willing to communicate and put in an equal amount. The foundations of a relationship needs to be based on strong communication without that it simply will not work during the rough patches. If the same problem arises due to avoidance by one party, it is clearly toxic and that’s when one person pours way more of themselves into a relationship like you have like I did resulting in you losing who you are and your identity. I did it for 5 years we were on and off again and it almost broke me.

I too felt why was I not enough? Instead I should have been telling myself if after I have accepted this man for all that he is and he can’t love me back the same way then he does not deserve my love.

Do you want to get back together and get engaged or married only for him to decide he wants out again as he hasn’t grown or changed when you have returned back to each other? Do you want to live with that kind of thought at the back of your mind..it will lead to much bigger issues.

It will not seem like it now but he is doing you a favour. You DESERVE more.

It is hard to believe but let me be your hope. In December last year I thought I wanted to kill myself as I thought I would never find love again like I had with my ex, the thoughts were dark, I was exhausted I felt like no one would match him. I had started sleeping with random men to fill a void to get over him. Then I met an angel, my Jay. If you read the thread you’ll see how I self sabotaged and almost ruined something so good for myself. Now by taking it steady, love started to grow for me again. All I can say is he has changed the way I view love. He is real love defined. The love you deserve is waiting for you.That journey starts with recognising you do deserve better and someone who loves all of you for who you are.

Use this lockdown to work on yourself. Cry, get angry, feel those emotions but keep reaffirming you deserve more. Don’t beg for love off someone who can’t see your value because if he did value you, the same problems would not exist. He would have done everything in his power to prove it to you. Love yourself first.

Self worth is the hardest thing to do but once you have it you’ll find acceptance easier and let go.

I’m sorry if it’s not what you wanted to hear. You can choose to take the long road and hold onto hope of a reunion but be wary the outcome will be the same. Save yourself pain again and again, feel the sadness and block him and remove him permanently from your life, begin to heal. With time you’ll unblock him again accept you’ll always care and love him in a way but when he reaches out..because let me tell you he will, you’ll be where I am today..ready to reject that and focus on you or being in a new fulfilling relationship with someone who accepts and values all of you. Sending love xxx

@shelbyville maybe your using the thermometer in the wrong 0place? Each one is calibrated for a certain area armpit etc. Hopefully it’s nothing serious. It is why I chose to stay here and not even risk my sisters health in the slightest. The anxiety of that would kill me.

I’m really really surprised to hear your friend hasn’t been there for you after the way you have talked about in the past. It makes me think are you expecting more like I did from someone who you didn’t give in return to. Is it like Jay and I where I took granted? Even though he is amazingly generous you know how he felt. It’s strange how your relationship with your friend reminds me of the beginning stages of mine. Maybe your friend is troubled too..have you reached out to him? Rather than expecting him to reach out to you.

Your ex doesn’t seem like he was after a booty call like mine but everyone’s exes are crawling out the woodwork and when this is all over it will be interesting to see how many stick around when they are not lonely anymore.

That was a very nice human thing to do by giving you supplies. I worry you don’t recognise your ex most likely moved on long ago. I know it must hurt as you probably anticipated maybe more will come from your encounter but you need to start loving yourself shelby you are awesome. Don’t hold yourself back anymore like I said to @sammy you deserve more. Way more! No one can change your mindset other than you. X

Hey all

I have been thinking of you all as we navigate these unprecedented times. I’m glad to see you check in @genie and @shelbyville and wish we could meet under better circumstances @sammy! You poor thing. Shelby and Genie have given great advice. And yes the people here are incredibly helpful and lovely. I hope you find some comfort in being able to share your struggles here and that things start feeling a little less intense soon.

@shelbyville what strange circumstances to be meeting with your ex eh. It’s no wonder your feelings are all over the place, especially in the scheme of everything else happening. Be kind to yourself; everything happening at the moment IS a lot! A lot is a huge understatement to be honest, given the situation with your family members too. And you are coping really well, even if it feels like you’re not. It’s totally understandable you feel hurt by your interaction and the thought that you are not in the same place as him yet-  for what it’s worth, I have felt the same way with mine. Still don’t think you give yourself enough credit- it’s clear to me that you have learned plenty of lessons and that you have grown a lot. Your advice to Sammy and Genie shows that, as does the way you dealt with the interaction with your ex!  Feeling you on the collective anxiety and lack of control front- it’s exhausting! But sounds like you are putting great strategies in place- again, evidence of growth! Hoping you and your family stay safe and well. They are lucky to have you!

I am ok! bewildered… if I look back on the last few days, I just have to laugh because the amount going on feels surreal. The Prime Minister here escalated things at the start of the week and has placed the country into a complete lockdown for 4 weeks; no going out except for essential services. We are officially on day 2. It was announced that there would be 48 hours for people to get ready, make last minute travel plans etc.

I got a call from my parents on Monday night that my brother decided my sister, who was supposed to move in with him, couldn’t anymore because she worked in a supermarket and his girlfriend was worried about the risk of infection. Long story short I had to take control of the situation and book her a last minute flight home before the borders shut completely, which cost almost $1000. I was extremely taken aback by my brother’s response- while him and I and him and my sister are not close, I actually cannot believe he let his girlfriend talk him into hanging his younger sister out to dry in the midst of a global pandemic. I was so upset about it, for her and my family dynamics. He got word that I booked her a flight and messaged me basically justifying his decision- no appreciation of the fact that he has put our immunocompromised parents at risk now. I just have no time for his selfishness and will not be taking any steps to repair our relationship; any reparations have to come from him. Stark reminder of what ‘love’ can do to people’s brains…. In more positive news she is back and in quarantine in my parents’ house now. Who knows when I will see them but I am so glad she is back!

So there was that… and then the sister of my housemate, who I am isolating with, got tested for Covid and she was over here the other day, and my housemate herself fell ill. So we have had to take extra measures to ensure she can strictly self-isolate while waiting for her sister’s test results. They came back negative at least! Still some residual anxiety though as they are not testing people here who have not been in ‘close contact’ with a confirmed case, so my housemate won’t get tested. Rationally, it does seem like she just had a cold… so hope she continues to get better, and we continue to keep well. There is literally a house across my street with a piece of paper in the window asking people to keep their distance because there is someone in the house with it. Extremely weird times…

On top of that, have been pulled into various pandemic responses for my work – from home obviously. As Shelby says, everything is a lot at the moment!

As for my ex… have been so distracted by everything else it seems like small fry to be honest. We have had a few messages back and forth, the last of which was after the lockdown announcement telling each other to stay safe. I assume she took the opportunity to travel to her parents, but feel there’s no point in asking or checking in with her again really. I have taken the attitude that those who want me in their lives will check in with me during this period of time and will make the effort to do so. As I said to a friend, if people are not able to demonstrate their care for you to the same extent as you are them during the most significant crisis of our time, friend or otherwise, there is no way in hell that you can have a healthy relationship in normal times. While in an alternative reality my ex and I would be in love and lockdown together and I yearn for the fantasy of that somewhat,  I recognise it as just that: an alternative reality. I am just so done with even seeking a response from both her and my flirty acquaintance, I just have no energy for it. I wish them both well, but want to put my energy into connections that are fulfilling and will be strengthened during this time, not connections that cause anxiety. Nothing like a global pandemic to clarify one’s priorities eh.

Anyway, have rambled more than I intended as usual. Thanks for checking in with me! Hoping we all remain safe and well; like Genie said hearing from everyone is really reassuring – so hope you are both ok Michelle and Kkasxo. xx

• This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Adelaide1.