Tash, I don’t recommend being friends. I thought I could but it just gave me false hope. It hurt way to much. And knowing that she is happy with someone else is like murder to my soul.

I think I’ve figured out that love it true love is bullshit and a scam. I really believe you only find that once in a lifetime. I thought I had it but apparently no matter what she said or felt about me she really didn’t. Otherwise she would of wanted to try to fix our problems before just giving up.

Ive decided it’s going to be easier to be alone. It’s not worth the pain of trying to be in love with someone again. It hurts now really bad and I do t know if that pain will ever completely go away. So I’m just going to date and have fake/surface relationships that don’t mean anything. Easier to have a hardened heart than a giving one. That’s for sure. I do get lonely but at least I won’t be broken anymore. I hope.

As for counseling. I can’t afford it right now. I wish I could but I can’t. And when I did go that didn’t seem to help anyways.

I appreciate all your guys help and advice and am grateful for the support. I just can’t keep going thinking I will find someone again and feel like I did/do about her. It was too amazing and wonderful to lose it all. I don’t want to go through that again.

I just deleted all of our pics I had stored on my phone. I had almost 500 taken in less than a year. And everyone of them everyone said we looked so happy together. Which I thought we were.

Im just going to try to learn how to be happy by myself.

Well Brandi, i failed.  I went two days and then was able to retrieve the photos off dropbox.  I couldn’t do it.  I wanted to so bad, but the thought of losing all memories of her or us was killing me.  It’s pretty amazing how much i really loved this woman.  Yes she did make me feel better about myself, but shouldn’t you when you are in love with someone?  should’t that make you feel like you are on top of the world?

i have been known to be cold and frigid before.  in fact before my ex.  If someone rubbed me the wrong way, i would say “screw them and good riddance”  Screw them all!  She changed me, helped me see that there is love and it can feel good and wonderful.  Then she took all that away.  So at this point…  I would tell my daughter. ” F%^& them all!”

As far as my childhood.  Long story, i will try to make it short.

Just me and my older sister(by 4 yrs)

parents divorced when i was very young.  before kindergarten i think.  We stayed with my dad and his girlfriend in Vegas and my mom moved back to oregon.  We lived with my dad for a year or 3(from what i can remember),  then we moved up with my mom. My mom was making minimum wage raising us.  Well one day she couldn’t do it anymore and left my sister and i at the babysitter after school for a week or so, until my dad could come up from vegas and get us.  I believe this was in the 2nd grade for me?  i think??.  Hard to remember that far and those memories can get mixed up.

We then lived with my dad for another year (he moved around a lot) or so before he couldn’t do it.  I don’t know why(can’t remember).  So we then moved in with his parents.  They still had younger kids.  my aunt and uncles were all under 18.  We lived with them for about another year or so until they couldn’t do it anymore.  Then my mom was “better”  so my grandpa flew us up to oregon around xmas time (i was now in the 4th grade).  I honestly don’t ever remember saying goodbye to my dad.

Well just a couple months after we moved back to oregon, my mother got a phone call from my grandmother telling her that my dad had a car accident and had died.   That sucked.

So i guess i always have had some guilt.  not ever knowing if i did tell him goodbye before we left.

Mom was still making minimum wage.  We moved a lot. If i remember right i went to 5 or 6 different schools between the 4th and 6th grade.  and she had a few different boyfriends over the years.  By the 6th grade she had met someone that she was with thru my high school.  He was a dick to me.  or that’s what i remember.  in the 7th grade we moved out to the country and i was able to stay in the same school thru high school.

my moms boyfriend though, i hated him.

When my sister was 15 or 16(I was 11 or 12), she decided to leave home and live with a friend from school and gave me the option of coming with her.  I decided to stay because i didn’t think my mom could handle it if we both left.  So that sucked too.  It was always me and her, now she was gone.

I don’t ever really remember my mom going to much of my school stuff.  In fact there were times when she would forget to pick  me up after track or something.

After my sister graduated, she moved to cambridge, MA to go to school.  I was a sophomore by now.  At this point, my mom kind of let me off my leash.  Basically she just wanted me to graduate high school.  So i barely did.  I was actually flunking english when i did, the teacher passed me anyways.  After high school i continued to make bad decisions one after another.  Drinking, partying, breaking the law.  ended up doing about 6 months jail time (just driving infractions and stuff) when i was 20-21 and had my first daughter at 21.  I had no  business having a kid then.  but it is what it is.  I really didn’t get my shit together until i was about 26 yrs old.

meanwhile my sister was the successful one.  She did collage at MIT and has done very well for herself.  She now owns her own brewery.  I’ve always been the “black sheep” or whatever you would call it.  My sister loves me to pieces and would do anything of me and she has helped my so much over the years, i don’t think i could ever pay her back enough.

That’s my childhood till 26 summed up in a nut shell…

1) yes my mom is still living and i do talk to her.  In fact she is coming by tonight.

2) I try to, but she is very busy with her business

3) We mainly discussed my break up and getting over it

4) I was living with my older cousin at the time and realized i didn’t want to be like that at his age.  that’s when i met my ex-wife.  Yes i am 45 now.

I’m seriously at a breaking point in my life.  Part of me just wants to pack up and go away somewhere.  I feel like i’ve struggled my whole life and overtime i have something promising in the future, when that time gets close it all falls apart.  I try so hard to be positive, but i can’t.

I found out my sisters long term relationship went to shit also.  She is not the needy type though, just the opposite, very independent and strong.  She has always been driven and goal minded.  Which makes sense to me because she has always had to be the one to take care of me growing up.

Yes i get angry at my mom sometimes.  In fact i was talking to a friend last night about it and said i really don’t know if i even love my mom.  I feel like i’m obligated to play the role, but if i didn’t see or talk to her in the next year or more.  I don’t know if it would bother me one bit.

Another thing about my outstanding mother…  about 6 yrs or so ago my 11 yr old was 5 and her appendix ruptured.  We had to go to a hospital about 2.5 hours away and stay there for a week.  At the time my oldest daughter,17 at the time, was living with us.  I had asked my mother if she could come over and just stay the night overnight  because we also had our 1 yr old daughter there.  She could go home during the day and i would of paid for gas.  She only lives about 25 miles away.

She said no, because she couldn’t leave her cat alone at night by herself!  WTF!  My middle child is on the brink of death and i’m in an ambulance going to another town for surgery and i get that answer!

So yes, i’m angry with her.  I act like it’s all good, but honestly, if i never saw her again…  I don’t know if it would really bother me at all.  Sounds harsh, but it’s true.

You know it’s funny that you said something about me pulling away as soon as I get a scent…

I am still dating, or trying even though i said i’m done.  I met someone recently that her youngest is 16, she is successful, pretty, and takes care of her self (girly girl) which are all things I like and find attractive.  And she only lives about 1.5 miles from my house!  Our first date we hit it off.  She actually kissed me.  I was going to be slow and easy because she had talked about being friends with someone before getting serious and she had also said she is looking for long term, life partner.  I was like “sweet” !  maybe this one will be it.  She likes a lot of things that i do, same taste in music, likes activities that i like, and loves little girls!

Well like i said, first date went really good.  She is really busy with work and her family/friends.  But it seemed like there was always an excuse not for a second date.  So i made it a point and she had me over to her house one night.  I didn’t know that her 16 yr old daughter was going to be there.  I felt a little uncomfortable because this is only my second time meeting her and i’m meeting her daughter?  Even if she is 16.  Still felt a little strange.  So that didn’t go as well.  I was kind of quiet and shy.

Well she still said she was interested and everything, but then it got to where it was even harder to seem for her to have time to meet again.  I told her a couple times, if she is not interested, then just say so.  That that is part of dating and it’s okay.  She would never say that, she said she is and thinks we connect, but then told me she is 99% sure she is moving next month to colorado for work and didn’t want to get to involved and hurt her or me.

Well guess what?  I got all fucking needy again.  Sorry bout my language.  I was blowing her up!  It’s like i took all the neediness from my ex and instantly put it on her.  I began to wonder if she was really moving or just using that as an excuse.  So i then noticed that she was still frequenting dating sites online.  Then i got crazy.  I made up a fake profile and messaged her with that one.  Sure enough she jumped all over it. was telling me what she was looking for and we were even supposed to meet up after we talked on the phone.  So i dropped it and left her alone.

Well that hurt even more.  Why would someone go through the trouble of making up a lie about moving away instead of just saying your not interested.  Especially if you give them the opportunity twice to say so?

WOW!.

Again, that brings me back to saying screw them all and just being alone.

I lost track of my point, sorry.  Yes as soon as she started loosing interest, i freaked out.  What’s funny(not haha funny) is that i know i’m doing it.  I tell myself, okay don’t text her or talk to her until she does you.  What happens?  i wait half a day or so then bam, send a text.  and then my freaking texts end up being books!  Why can’t i write one liners?  “hey, how’s your day” and leave it at that?  instead i get all novel writing talking about everything!  Oh man i feel so messed up.

Obviously she is not for me because she is lying and such, but damn. Why can’t i be patient and let them come to me?

Oh yeah, because of my abandonment issues.    I also think that that is something i subconsciously desire.  The need for someone to be there, but not fully there or committed, like i need the chase or need to need.  With my ex, we were in love and she showed it, but she wasn’t here and there were times when she would cancel and be hard to reach.  i think that made me desire her even more.  With the gal with the kids.  She was willing to do anything it took for us.  Anything.  She just wanted to love me and make me happy.  well, I lost  interest.  It’s funny because that’s all i wanted.  Although her having two young kids full time all the time was a big flag for me.

So then when i met this last one.  Same thing as my ex.. Acted and said she was interested, just gives me enough to keep my interest and desire, but then keeps distance and hard to get.  really hard to get..  so of coarse i jump all over it like a fool instead of just telling her when she wants to see or talk to me, then she can make the effort.

WOW i’m really pouring today!  sorry about all of this.  It does help me to be able to take about it all.  I know i’m kind of all over the place today.