What kinds of things have you been doing to try to stop your thinking? Do you just let yourself get sucked into constantly thinking about it or have you found any ways that effectively distract you?

Writing the letters wasn’t a bad idea at all because it’ll help get the thoughts out of your head, but definitely don’t send them. I’d maybe even write your thoughts on paper and then burn them because I’ve heard writing letters and then burning them is pretty cathartic when it comes to releasing thoughts.

I also think your current relationship isn’t helping you with this any. You’re basically miserable right now, so it seems reasonable that you can’t help but think about the relationship that you were happiest in. You’re likely comparing the two a lot, right? So I think once you are finally able to get out of the situation you’re in, that will help some, too, when it comes to thinking about your ex.

Seeing her again and having her fall for you doesn’t have to be a fantasy illusion, but it’s definitely not a guarantee either, so it’s best to just be mindful of how your life is today and that she is not currently in it so it’s doing you no good to lament that you’re not together… and if the law of attraction says anything, it’s that emotionally feeling want only leads to more feelings of want (I believe this is why exes tend to show up out of the blue once you’re over them). Feelings of lack bring more lacking. That’s why it’s important to redirect your thoughts.

If you really have trouble getting your mind off of it, though, and it is causing you a lot of suffering, I really, really think you should see a counselor, even if just a safe space to get the thoughts out. I know you’re doing that here, too, but professionals really have a lot of knowledge and tools to help people to be able to counteract these thoughts.

One of the biggest things I think you should learn to do here that would help with your suffering is to detach from your ex. You’re still very, very attached. And I get it. It’s extremely hard to do and I don’t know if it can ever be fully done. I still have those days where I miss my ex very much and it makes me very sad, but I’ve worked hard on detaching, so those moments don’t last anywhere near as long as they used to and I get over them quite quickly. That’s probably where your goal should be, too. Feel it and let it pass quickly. Like… 10-20 minutes of sadness and then you feel good again type of quickly.

The point is to know that it’s okay to miss your ex sometimes and it’s okay to feel sad you’re not together, but you can’t let yourself drown in it. If you are, then you need to really, really work on detaching more. Get to the point where you feel like it would be awesome if life did lead you and your ex back to each other but you also truly understand and believe that there are other options out there and you feel truly open to them…. you just have to work on yourself in the meantime and your relationship with your girls and trust that you’ll end up where you need to be.

No matter what… right now, with the way your life is right now… it is NOT the right time for a reconciliation or for the right person to come along. You don’t have space in your life for the right person right now.  And you won’t have space until your current relationship ends plus a period of time where you’re single and are able to get back to being your true self.

Yeah, if you’re getting worse, it’s definitely a good idea to seek counseling. Go to someone different than before if you don’t feel like the last one helped you.

You seem really frustrated every time you post about her. Is it the fact that you’re still thinking about her that’s upsetting you or something else? Have you tried anything else besides trying to stay busy and distracted?

If it’s the fact that you’re thinking about her that’s frustrating you, you might just have to accept that she’s going to be on your mind and be okay with it. Don’t fight the thoughts when they come, but don’t encourage them either and don’t let yourself long for her. Not fighting the thoughts and being okay with them passing through whenever they come might help you diminish them. But lots of things still remind me of my ex, too. I think about him daily, and my son even talks about him quite often, but I’m just at the point where I appreciate that he was in my life and made such an impact on us, and it sucks that he’s not here now, but it is what it is. I’m okay with not having what I want because maybe I don’t have him because something better is on the way. Working to a point where you feel that way, though, where you’re okay with things being as they are for the time being helps a lot with the suffering.

I think it’s okay to feel like you’re meant to be together too, though, but just make sure you’re keeping your options open… like you want her or someone better.

 I know ” if we connected so deeply, then why couldn’t we communicate?”

Honestly, that doesn’t really make any sense anyway. Just because you’re connected doesn’t mean either one of you have exceptional communication skills. That’s why you hear sometimes of people breaking up and then getting back together years later and it working so much better because they’ve grown and learned to communicate better in the time they were apart.  Also, from what you’ve said, you were very much focused on how you were feeling at the time, and it’s hard to communicate effectively when that happens.

She was your best friend… but have you ever had a different best friend (girl or guy) in your life that you don’t talk to much now? I know I have, and it sucked to lose them at first, but eventually you stop missing them so much. If you’ve had that experience, take this as the same as that, even if the feelings are stronger or different with her. It still doesn’t mean she was the best you’ll ever get.

I think counseling will really help, too, and it’s a good idea that you’re planning on trying it again. There are several really good books on detaching and also healing from breakups. What do you think about reading books with advice on how to heal from heartbreak?

The only best friend i really ever had is my buddy that i still see on a regular basis, we’ve know each other since we were 12.  so for 33 years now.  There have been times when either of us moved away for a year or two and it didn’t bother me.  Not like this.  It’s so hard to explain.  There a so many times in a day when i see something or do something, and I just want to tell her.  Not even a romantic thing, just because that’s what we did.  I guess a way to put it in perspective is if a family member or animal died that lived with you, for the begging, you forget sometimes and when you get home you call out to them or think they are there.  I guess that’s kind of how I feel, but it’s a year and a half later!  We did not communicate very well in the end, but before that freaking weekend trip away.  Even though we were 120 miles apart,we were in separable.  We kept in touch frequently throughout the day and night every day.

Again, if there’s anyone here that understands this, it’s me. I totally get it and you don’t even have to explain it. I know exactly what you mean because I’ve felt the same way about my ex and had a very similar relationship with him as you did yours, so I want you to believe me when I tell you that it’s killing you because of the meaning you’re attaching to her in your mind and the things you’ve been telling yourself over and over for the last year. If you tell yourself over and over and over that she was your best friend ever and you’ll never find another and you’re miserable and empty without her, that’s exactly how you’re going to keep feeling because you’re constantly reiterating and reaffirming it to yourself.  There’s a video by Kerwin Rae where he talks about saying “This is simple. This is easy. This is fun.” when you’re doing a job you don’t want to do and it makes the job more enjoyable because you’re basically tricking your brain into feeling like it’s enjoyable. That’s the kind of thing you might want to start doing when it comes to your ex. When you get some time, Google that video and it’ll explain the psychology behind it. What you’re doing right now is the exact opposite of what you want to be doing if you truly want to feel better.

My point about the best friend thing was that you aren’t lamenting it when they aren’t in your life, likely because you either expect that you’ll talk to them again at some point, or even if you don’t expect to, you know you’re capable of living without them… and if you’re capable of being fine when your best guy friend isn’t in your life all the time… you’re absolutely capable of being fine with your ex not in your life… you just have to stop telling yourself that you aren’t.

Aside from that, I STILL think of my ex daily, miss him very much, and I’m always thinking of things I want to tell him, so I understand where you’re coming from, but it doesn’t kill me because I don’t tell myself constantly that it’s killing me. My life is good. I’m okay and happy overall, and I know that. I don’t NEED him. I just want him. There’s a difference. If you’re feeling like you NEED her, then you have some work to do before you’ll ever be able to actually be with her again. But anyway… sometimes when I see a meme I wish I could show him, I’ll just save it in a folder on my computer to share if we are ever in each others’ lives again, and then I move on with my day. Maybe if you tried that… start a word document. When you think of something you want to tell her, just write it in there like you’re telling her, and then move on with your day. Don’t lament the fact that you can’t actually tell her… just write it like you’re telling her and move on.

But I can tell you one thing…. no matter what you do, you will never feel better if you keep telling yourself that you’re empty and miserable without her… even if that’s what you believe right now. Your feelings on that are showing you that you need to change that belief.  It’s not a real thing. It’s just your attachment to her. You’re only thinking that way because you’re allowing yourself to believe it.  And again… this is coming from someone who also had an extremely deep connection with her ex who felt like home and we were inseparable and texted nonstop when we were apart, and I still do think there’s a good chance we’ll end up back together at some point. You don’t have to give up all hope to be together in order to feel happy and whole. You DO have to give up the idea that she is perfection and there’s no one better for you. Keep hope alive if you feel you’re meant to be but also keep your options open.

Also… if you can only read a couple pages of a book before your mind wanders, meditation would probably be a good idea to start doing regularly. Train that brain to be able to focus without constantly having intrusive thoughts.

Why do you have to handle your current situation before you start counseling?  You’re still planning on the breakup this weekend, right?