i see your point.  I just wanted more answers.  And i did say I won’t text her again after she gets my letter and reads it.(i think ).   I was bitter that everything she told me that she didn’t like about me was everything i had recognized on my own and were points I brought up in that letter, that she did not get yet.  I just wanted to make it a point to her, that i have seen that and that she should of actually talked to me about these things when they were becoming issues.   I am done now though.  There is no more reason to contact her.  Yes i would love to know what she thought about my letter, but it really doesn’t matter.  The fact is she is “in love” with someone else.  Or she says she is.  Which that kind of burns me, well really burns me. but it is what it is.  She made it a point that I’m not perfect for her or what she needs.

She always told me she has been 100% honest with me about everything.  The more i think about it the more i think that that was bullshit.  Maybe in  her mind she was, but really…  This is the same woman that had told me that She is not meant for a relationship and probably never will be.  Then it was barely a month after we broke up that she had met someone else.  Actually she met this guy before we had a chance to exchange belongings.  And of coarse  she said it was nothing.  Then when i asked her if it’s serious, she said we’ll see, it’s not a real relationship anyways.  Then when i ask her if she is in love with him, she says yes…

I don’t know.  Maybe it’s me misunderstanding everything.  But to me, if someone is heartbroken and hurt like she was, then there wouldn’t be a possibility of any kind of romance.  Especially if she was “broken” and “not meant for a relationship”, then why in the hell would you put yourself out there again.  The more i think about shit the more just doesn’t add up with her.

She was amazing, and showed me more love than i’ve ever known.  I really felt like she would do anything for me.  But then when i think about it.  I was never a priority to her.  Which i’m not saying i should be her #1.  (cause she has kiddos).  But your significant other should feel like it.  Not feel like you are always on the side, just waiting for her to be ready.  That’s what it did feel like.  Waiting.  at her convenience.  When she did see me or do stuff with me it was fantastic, she did make me feel special.  but it  was only on her schedule.

OMG, i’m rambling again.

My point is this.  I love her, probably always will.  There is nothing i can do to end that except time.  I know this.  Are we compatible.  Honestly, probably not., but in my head i always thought where there is love there is a way.  I guess that’s the romantic in me.  I’ve seen too many movies.  LOL.  She may have not loved me like either of us thought.  Otherwise she would of communicated and tried to help me see so we could of worked on it.  Yes i wish she would of given me a chance.  But as i think about it.  A chance for what?  another long distance, waiting for my turn relationship?  why suffer like that again.

I  do hurt,  i do love her and it sucks.  I wish i was the man she was with.  but i’m not and never will be. I need to be okay with that.

Getting the response from my ex, hopefully will give me the closure i need to move on.  Last night i did talk to the woman i was seeing recently.  I’ve told her everything.   She does want to see me more.  I’m going to take it slow with her.  She does have her problems, but i think i was comparing her to my ex. and that was making it hard for me to see everything.  I was jaded.   I can’t do that.  everyone is different.  And i do know this.  Everything i did crave from my ex that she wouldn’t give me, this woman wants to do that without me asking.  which is something in itself.   Like i said though, taking it slow.  I don’t want this to be a rebound or “second best” thing.  I have dated a few different woman after my break up( i was freaking mess and needed something)  a few of them were really great woman, but i didn’t have a desire to be with them long term.  With this gal, if we can work through some of the flags i see, I do see possibilities.  (you have to think if it would work long term, or why waste time).

So we will see.  I know i’m a wreck.  But i have told my recent about it all and i am completely honest with her about everything.  And she is with me back, doesn’t hold anything in, which is nice.

Okay i need to get back to work.  I will keep you all posted on the “days of my life”  lol.  feels like a freaking soap opera!!

Brandy, thanks again.  you continue to make good points.  I am really trying.  It is hard.  i guess when i say some of those things, i am desperate.  and i’m sure it sounds desperate.  i will really try to get through this and on.  I do have a lot of good in my life.  Great bunch of friends, beautiful kids, going to be a grandpa in november, and a potential good woman that want nothing but to take care of me(if i can figure out if i can do that with her)  Man i just wish i could forget how my ex made me feel.  It’s like i keep seeing her as this golden intangible thing that i have to have.  stupid.  i really don’t want to text her anymore, or make any contact.  I’m going to try my best.  No point in it now that she said what she did.  just prolongs my suffering.

please keep talking to me.  I really do like this support you give to me.  i need it.

Brandy. She did say she loved me. Over and over. And she showed it in ways I never felt. Yes she also made me feel like It was at her convienence at times though. But she really did express the same feelings I did for her.

I think you may have a point though. She is beatiful. Succesful, independent, and did things that I really admired.

I cant explain it. I do know when she left I felt like I lost myself. So maybe she did make me feel more worth of myself.

i Didn’t feel like I was good enough for her. No matter how she acted or what she told me. I was always afraid I wouldn’t be good enough. It caused me to become insecure and i think that’s when I started to get controlling. I was trying to plan our relationship. Have set days or weekends instead of  just letting it happen like I did before.

As far as my camping trip. Holy broken quads Batman!  Well my sister came with us(haven’t seen her in 4 years). I took her for a quick ride. Then the first morning I took out my quad and broke some stuff. Had to drive for 4 hours to get parts I needed.  I ended up working on it all weekend at camp. Got it fixed by 5pm the last night so I could go for one ride. (My current friend/girlfriend/whatever she is showed up then)  Then my daughter quad broke too.   Got some work to do before the fourth. You play you pay. Right. Lol.

I did have a fun weekend though. Definitely need to change up the RV though. Still had a lot of memories. ?

I think as time went on I just started feeling like I wasn’t good enough or something. I really think it was a combination of all of her problems and her really needing time to just be alone to deal with it her way. I didn’t know how to handle that and it did make me feel insecure. I did try bringing it up to her and she would get upset. Like it was all about me. Which I do see know that she needed just for me to be there for her when she needed to help her on her terms. Instead I took it personal and freaked out.

is what it is. I am trying to accept that. Maybe it’s my ego. I don’t know. I am looking forward to the day that I don’t tbink about her or miss her anymore. Today was not one of them. All I thought about was her camping with him this year. Wondering if she had fun. I’m sure she did.