Dear Murtaza,

I see you’re not too keen to work with a therapist, and not necessarily just because you don’t have money

oh really ? please tell me why on earth i would refuse a unconditional love, acceptance and compassionate

Because you said twice that you don’t want anything that requires “therapy or people”. You earlier said that you lost people – as in, you don’t really have close contacts with anybody except your sister. If  I understood well, you only communicate with people online. All that lead me to believe that your rejection of working with a therapist might not be just about money. But I might be wrong about that.

you even know the amount of luck to find such female, if she even exist in iraq?

When I said that healing happens in the context of a relationship, I didn’t mean romantic relationship but a therapeutic one. Any good therapist is trained to give you the so-called unconditional positive regard, to have compassion and understanding for you, to be non-judgmental, to see you and validate you. We cannot expect our romantic partner to be our therapist. We first need to work on ourselves so we can be capable of a healthy, fulfilling intimate relationship.

You can work on yourself by yourself, without a therapist. I gave an example of a youtube channel where you can start. There are many such channels, with lots of free material, if you’re interested. There are also online courses at affordable prices, which provide more in-depth information than the free stuff. So you’ve got options, you don’t have to “suffer in peace”.

Dear Murtaza,

I am sorry you had a bad experience with a therapist. What she told you doesn’t seem professional. Like when you complained about apathy, she told you you must forget about it and start caring. Not a good approach, I think. Instead, she should have explored the causes of apathy with you, rather than telling you to think positive.

that’s why i don’t like the idea of therapy, i don’t want anyone to advice me, no one is allowed to do that

I hear you. A good therapist doesn’t give advice, or only rarely, but rather helps the client come to their own conclusions. Helps them remove the obstacles to their happiness.

already watched hundred of videos on YouTube about mental health, all have the same themes “workout, meditate, drink water etc” the same bullshit

The channel I suggested goes a bit deeper than that, but it’s true that it’s quite practical, it gives suggestions what to do to reduce anxiety, better regulate our emotions, better deal with depression etc. But if you want something really deep, which talks about childhood trauma and how it leads to our adult problems, specially addiction, watch Gabor Mate’s videos. He’s just released a 1,5 hour film, called “The Wisdom of Trauma”, and it’s free to watch until tomorrow. You can access it at wisdomoftrauma . com (without spaces).

Dear Murtaza:

“I thought it was about my past remark, so I point it out to make sure”- glad you asked.

“wouldn’t be a mercy if I just ended my life?… I was asking only for validation (and the hope is to be wrong)”- maybe one day it will be an act of mercy, for you.. for me. Not yet, not today.

In regard to things you enjoy, such as listening to music, watching a good movie, seeing the way your little sister sometimes looks at you, etc., you wrote: “I don’t see these things worth it honestly”, saying that you detailed those things so to “not be advised to change my lifestyle, since I already think this is the best one for me”. I understand.

“Do I wanna survive? Yes, do I wanna live? No (by living I mean the normal way), Is survival worth it? No”- you acknowledge an inborn want to survive (true to all living forms), and a cognitive evaluation that surviving is not worth it, an evaluation possible only to thinking humans. I wonder what would happen if you were magically transported to a magical parallel universe where life is just what you would want it to be, such that would make you want to live that life. What would that life be (?)

“These days, I feel so numb, a numbness like no other, I sometimes miss the sadness I used to feel all day when I wasn’t on drugs, the insomnia, the killer boredom, the urgent desire for intimacy, I’m glad all that is gone, I always wanted to live like this, a zombie, just existing”- detachment/ dissociation from emotions.. not alive (not experiencing emotions) but not yet dead.

“I wanted to ask you something.. I’m sitting comfortably, watching a movie, and I remember what I lost (females)… When it comes fast in my mind, it feels like a slap out of nowhere, I get annoyed for 5 sec then it goes away, this happen often… When I see someone else has what I really craved for, then I remember it’s my fault, then I just remember it doesn’t matter to me anymore, when this happen often I laugh or just say F**K, sometimes even loud, I remember reading something about this for the people that have OCD, though this is bit different, what do you think?”-

– I think that within your brain there is a Normie Murtaza whose loyalty is to the Normie World, and once in a while, it slaps you, adding words that are too quick to clearly hear, such as: you *&** (name calling), it is all your fault, you are not like the rest of us, you are less than us.. (slap!)

* A few days ago, riding in the car, bored.. I happened to hear a familiar song on the radio, Bohemian Rhapsody, and I thought of you, that it is as if you wrote many of the words (and it has the Arabic touch “bismillah”, in the name of Allah): “Too late, my time has come. Sends shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time. Goodbye, everybody, I’ve got to go. Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth. Mama, ohh.. I don’t wanna die. I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all”-

– Even before I connected the song to you, hearing the words “I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all” brought up in me a strong emotion, because I thought it myself many times. Strange thing, after feeling that emotional pain in I-wish-I’d-never-been-born-at-all, I felt better. When a painful emotion gets to be invited out, such as in being invited by this song, a good emotion follows- a feeling of being alive.

In my mind’s eye, I am seeing you right now on the roof, under the night Iraqi sky, singing Bohemian Rhapsody.

anita

Dear Murtaza:

Having just read your last line with the happy face emoji.. you saying that you like my image of you singing on the roof- it made me feel love for you, what a nice feeling it is, hard to describe, it brings a smile to my face. It’s there, the feeling and from time to time it awakens.

“To answer your question, I will answer it in two ways, the magical one (which is impossible to achieve).. to be a baby again..  to have a mother that actually knows what love is, I actually think this is heaven, and I don’t want to grow up in that universe, infinite unconditional love”-

– When I asked, I thought of this answer because you described it before. I think that you are right, this is heaven.. and that very early-life experience (when a baby still feels loved and protected) is a great motivator in adult behavior, such as in when a man falls in love with a woman,  expecting to re-experience heaven (that expectation is what the euphoria of falling in love is about), followed by disappointment, of course.

“and the middle ground one.. to have a normal life, a wife, maybe even a daughter, though I would at least ask for a wife that I can be myself in front of, seems like a good life”- if only there is just one woman, just one (in the area where you live), who would be okay with you not working, etc., you just need one for this parallel universe to be your own.

“I really don’t think having some normie qualities bothers me, since I know it was uncontrollable to have such”- oh, okay- that’s better that you are okay with having an inner-normie. I agree: it’s uncontrollable.

“No it’s not like that”- let me see: you learned to accept that you will not have a woman in your life (girlfriend/ wife). But often, you are sitting comfortably, watching a movie, and out of nowhere a thought in regard to not having a woman in your life hits your brain, feeling like a slap, and you get annoyed for five seconds and then it goes away. When you see (in a movie or in social media) another man having a woman in his life, you feel jealous or envious, and you tell yourself that it is your fault (but not in an angry way), and you then laugh or just say f***, sometimes loudly. You asked me if I thought it is an OCD thing-

– the term intrusive thoughts came to my mind but what you described doesn’t fit the term. You described a thought appearing out of nowhere- but that’s usually the case when it comes to thoughts. What you described though is not just any thought appearing uninvited, but a powerful thought that slaps you, so to speak. A way to think of the word emotion is e-motion, or energy in  motion. The thought of not having a woman in your life has an emotional attachment to it, and like a rocket, the emotional attachment drives the thought into a crash with your brain, which feels like a slap.

Annoyance, jealousy, anger- these are energies-in-motion that are attached (at least at times) to thoughts of other men having what you don’t. What all this is telling me (according to my current understanding) is that sometimes you feel peace or indifference to the the idea of never having a woman in your life, but too often you don’t feel peace or indifference to the idea.

anita

Dear Murtaza:

You do notice when I enjoy talking to you (and when I don’t). I am impressed.. you are keenly perceptive when it comes to emotions.

“if only there is just one woman, just one (in the area where you live)..”—“even if there is, its nearly impossible to talk to her, since in Iraq there is no social settings… even if I somehow talked to her, then what?”- I just looked at photos from the summer of 2020 at avax. news/ a look at life in Iraq, to see how women are dressed and a bit about how daily life looks like in Iraq. I also read some from Wikipedia’s entry on Women in Iraq.

“The way I see it, is that its just my programming, valuing women too much and have a dreamy thinking on how it could be to be in a relationship.. the truth.. if you say relationship in Iraq, the very next thing that appears to anyone minds is marriage (responsibility), to me this feels like a cage.. I will never bring anyone into this world, unless I know they gonna have a happy life, with this mindset.. most females won’t marry me, since their parents would want babies.. it’s actually smarter to just give up and save the unnecessary suffering, I actually have no choice here, I know that this is the truth, and I’m obligated to lessen my suffering and go for the easy way…  would HATE myself if I do such thing”, such a thing as getting married, taking the expected route of work, marriage, children.

I took a long time reading this morning. I slowly read the paragraph above, letting it sink in, and I understand you today better than ever before. I see your choice as thoroughly sensible. Even more than making sense, I see it as a GOOD choice because it includes not hurting anyone (!) and not bringing children into a life that’s likely to be a lot of suffering (!!)

I get it. I hope to read from you soon.. what is the temperature there, I wonder? And is there a lake close to where you live where you can get into the cool water on a hot summer day?

anita

Dear Murtaza:

We have very similar view of bringing children into the world to suffer vs adopting. Connecting this to the title of your thread: it would be mercy to .. not bring children into this world.

It is 6:45 pm in Iraq, evening, the temperature is down to.. right under 40 Degrees Celsius. The temperature will go down further to its lowest at about 5 am, when it will be 26.6 degrees, and from then on, it will go up to 41 degrees tomorrow. Good thing that the humidity is low and that you have air-conditioning in every room.

In Southern Iraq, in Nasiriyah, the provincial capital of the Dhi Qar Governorate, Haidar Al-Fatlawi, a musician with a passion for electronics invented a solar-powered, long-range surveillance camera- it works  without electricity or the internet (today’s Shafaq News)

In Northern Iraq, in Kurdistan, 458 new Covid-19 cases and 6 new Covid-19 deaths were recorded in the last 24 hours, while 537 people who were infected, fully recovered, the Ministry of Health said today.

I am listening right now to “Hatem El-Iraqi- Ya Teir” music, I like it very much, pleasant to hear it as I sit comfortably, my back against soft pillows, lights are dim and I am looking outside the window at the green trees and pleasant sun. I imagine that you don’t like this  music but I like hearing it, hearing the language you speak and hear every day.

Looking at random news stories and listening to this music makes me think that Murtaza really does exist in a place that really exists.. far away and yet, close. I will be submitting this and continue to listen to this music, still like it.

anita

Dear Murtaza:

I want to re-read your recent post later and reply then, a few hours from now, or so. I feel the love!

anita