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The 7 Types of Overthinking That Drain Your Energy

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Many years ago, I clearly remember celebrating a strange victory. I had only spent one day overthinking a problem.

I was triggered by the end of another situationship. I could feel them pulling away. Something had changed, but I didn’t have the answers. I was stuck in that painful limbo space.

For that day, I had done what I always did. I replayed conversations in my head, searched for hidden meanings, imagined different scenarios, and mentally rehearsed what I would say if I could turn back time. I checked my phone more times than I could count and searched YouTube …

Why You’re Drawn to the Wrong People (And It Feels Like Love)

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“The heart that’s been through the most can sometimes mistake chaos for connection.” ~Unknown

I remember the exact moment I knew something was wrong.

We had been talking for three weeks. Every conversation left me either floating or deflated, never just… okay. Either he said something that made me feel like the most understood person on earth or he went quiet for two days, and I spent those two days mentally replaying everything I’d said, looking for what I’d done wrong.

And yet, when he came back, I felt relief. That rush of “he’s back, everything is fine” was …

Why I Stopped Expecting People to Love Me Like I Love Them

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“Expectation is the root of all heartache.” ~Unknown

I turned forty this year. And I am only now figuring out something I wish someone had told me at twenty.

Most of my pain—the kind that sat in my chest for days, the kind that made me replay conversations at 2 a.m., the kind that made me wonder what was wrong with me—was not really coming from other people.

It was coming from what I expected them to do.

I know. That is not an easy thing to hear. It wasn’t easy for me either.

My Mother Never Knew She Taught

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How a Toxic Workplace Made Me Doubt Myself

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I used to think I was just bad at coping with stress.

Every Sunday evening, I felt anxious about the week ahead. My chest would tighten when certain emails appeared in my inbox. Before meetings, I’d rehearse what I wanted to say over and over, trying to avoid saying the wrong thing.

At the time, I blamed myself.

I told myself I needed to be tougher, calmer, better, more resilient. Everyone else seemed to be managing, so I assumed the problem must be me.

What I didn’t understand then was how deeply a toxic workplace can affect your sense of

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Overcoming Codependency: Breaking the Cycle of Unhealthy Relationships

By in Blog, love & relationships

“A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.” ~Melody Beattie

From a young age, I felt insecure in my own skin. I was a highly sensitive child and, subsequently, struggled with low self-worth for most of my life.

Although I had many friends and a good family, I consistently looked for approval outside of myself. I grew up believing that the opinions of others were the only accurate representations of my core worth.

As a teenager, I witnessed the crumbling and eventual demise of …

The Problem with Being the Easy One

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“We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others, that in the end we become disguised to ourselves.” ~François de La Rochefoucauld

“So, in your relationship, do your partner’s needs always dictate how things go?”

My therapist looked at me quizzically after I’d just shared with him that our dinner plans had suddenly changed the night before because my partner was tired from a long day at work, and I just went along with what he needed.

He had initiated a night out, I had dressed up and prepared for a restaurant meal, and when I arrived at his place, …

Learning How to Live Life to the Fullest with Mental Illness

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There is a famous Latin phrase that I absolutely love: Carpe diem. It means “Seize the day.” Younger people might be more familiar with the phrase “You only live once,” or YOLO. Both phrases encourage people to live their lives to the fullest.

I have struggled with depression and anxiety since my childhood, making it difficult to live by these phrases and enjoy life. I’ve missed out on a lot of precious moments with loved ones.

Recently, however, my mental health has been taking a turn for the better, and I’ve been doing my best to make up for all

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What I Learned from a Lifetime of Feeling Different

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“Not until we are lost do we begin to find ourselves.” ~Henry David Thoreau

I’ve spent most of my life feeling like I was standing just outside the circle.

Not always, but whenever I stepped back and looked at the whole of my life, the thread running through has been a sense of being on the outside looking in.

I think that feeling drove me for a long time. I wanted to prove something, to earn my place through effort and excellence. I wanted to be the kind of person people were glad to know.

I pushed myself in sports, …

How My Need to Clean Was a Childhood Coping Skill

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“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” ~E.E. Cummings

When I was a little girl, I had the smallest bedroom in the house.

It was tiny. Honestly, probably the size of a small walk-in closet. But it was mine. And for the first time, I got to choose what it looked like.

I remember picking out baby blue wallpaper with little pink flowers on it. My mom put it halfway up the wall with a wood border, and the top half stayed white. I chose a soft blue carpet to match. I had a twin …

What Happened When I Stopped Managing Every Reaction

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“Peace is not the absence of resistance. It is learning to stop judging yourself for being human.” ~Unknown

At the time of writing this, I am on vacation.

My wife and I are parked beside a quiet lake in our RV, our small moving version of home. We’ve always loved that part of it: bringing our little piece of the world wherever we go. Our coffee mugs. Our blankets. Our favorite foods. Our routines. The small familiar things that make an unfamiliar place feel like ours.

This morning, the lake looked perfectly still.

Rain tapped softly against the windows. The …

The Wonder and Heartbreak of Life Under Our Sky

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“The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.” ~J.R.R. Tolkien

It was my son’s fifteenth birthday. His basketball game got canceled, so my wife, my son, and I climbed back into the car a bit disappointed and started the drive home.

We were just heading back to the house as we always did after games. My wife was mid-sentence when something caught my eye before she could finish it. …

How to Suffer Less When You’re Waiting for Answers

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“Rule your mind or it will rule you.” ~Buddha

Some mornings I wake before dawn and lie still, listening for signs that the house is awake.

A cough down the hallway.

The sound of a drawer opening.

Water running softly in the kitchen sink.

My mother is ninety-seven years old now, and before my feet even touch the floor, part of me is already listening for proof that the world has not changed overnight.

When I hear movement, I exhale.

Only then do I reach for my phone.

I tell myself I’m just checking messages. But lately I’ve realized I …

What Was Really Behind My “Laziness” and What I Know Now

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“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” ~Carl Rogers

I remember sitting on the living room floor one evening while my boys were playing nearby. One of them was trying to build something out of Legos and getting more and more frustrated every time it collapsed. I don’t even remember exactly what he said now, only the feeling I got watching him.

Because I suddenly recognized that frustration in myself.

Not just in that moment, but from most of my life.

That feeling of wanting to do something, sometimes

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How I Reframed Letting Go So I Could Move on from My Painful Past

By in Blog, change & challenges, letting go

We are truly free when we let go of the thought that the past could or should have been any different than it was. This is so hard.

The challenge is born from our desperate need to validate our feelings and experiences. It often feels like we are invalidating ourselves if we let go of the thought that the past should have been different. We have been through hell, experienced things most people don’t know about, and it initially feels so devastating to think of just letting it go like it never happened. Where is the justice in that?

I …

Why Being Ignored Causes Such Deep Pain and Damage

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“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” ~Laurell K. Hamilton

My older sister had four years over me. As a kid, I worshipped the ground she walked on. She was so smart, so pretty, so cool. I wanted to be wherever she was, doing whatever she was doing.

I was desperate for any crumb of attention she might throw my way. I even let her loosen my baby teeth so she could pull them out one by one. In those moments she was lavishing me with attention.

Other …

How to Be More Present Through Sound, Silence, and Stillness

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“Music gives color to the air of the moment.” ~Karl Lagerfeld

I used to think I was a good listener. I could hold eye contact, nod at the right moments, ask thoughtful follow-up questions. But one afternoon, sitting cross-legged on a yoga mat in a small studio in Rishikesh, I realized I had never truly listened to anything, not even myself.

The teacher asked us to close our eyes and simply notice the sounds around us. A ceiling fan turning slowly overhead. A dog barking somewhere down the street. My own breath, uneven and shallow. And then, beneath all of …

The Hidden Survival Patterns I Mistook for Brokenness

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“The wound is the place where the light enters you.” ~Rumi

I grew up in a council house in the 1970s, in a world where children were seen and not heard.

We were kicked out in the morning and told to come back when the streetlights came on. On the surface, it looked normal. But what was happening behind closed doors didn’t feel normal at all.

I didn’t have the words for it then, but I always felt different.

People thought I was shy. And I was. But it was more than that. Being around people felt overwhelming, like I …

How Cheating Death Changed My Perspective on Life

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“Only when we realize that our time is limited do we begin to appreciate the value of every single day.” ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

I didn’t expect the trip to begin the way it did.

In December 2003, I decided to take a holiday over Christmas. I booked an eco-tour of Sri Lanka, traveling around the country and staying in different locations. It was something I had been looking forward to for a long time.

But during the flight on Christmas Eve, I started to feel unwell. At first, I thought it was just a stomach issue. Nothing unusual when traveling. …

How I Stopped Being the Victim of My Own Story

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“The most common form of despair is not being who you are.” ~Søren Kierkegaard

A few years ago, I was catching up over coffee with an old friend I’ll call Ray, a trusted mentor. He’s a few years older than me, silver-haired and down to earth, the kind of man who listens with his whole heart.

We were at a small coffee shop near my house. I told him about my first year as a director, how I’d gone from being a counselor whose identity was built around listening and connecting to suddenly managing budgets, writing evaluations, and holding people …

I Don’t Miss My Ex—I Miss Who I Was with Her

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“Nostalgia is a file that removes the rough edges from the good old days.” ~Doug Larson

I don’t miss Zinia.

I miss the Zinia I made up.

The real Zinia—the one who fought with me for hours over things that became bigger than they should have, who said things I told myself I’d never forgive, who was wrong for me in ways I kept pretending weren’t there—I got rid of all of that somewhere along the way.

I kept the laugh. The chemistry. The way she got my humor without me having to explain it. The conversations that ran till …