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What I Learned from a Lifetime of Feeling Different

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“Not until we are lost do we begin to find ourselves.” ~Henry David Thoreau

I’ve spent most of my life feeling like I was standing just outside the circle.

Not always, but whenever I stepped back and looked at the whole of my life, the thread running through has been a sense of being on the outside looking in.

I think that feeling drove me for a long time. I wanted to prove something, to earn my place through effort and excellence. I wanted to be the kind of person people were glad to know.

I pushed myself in sports, …

How My Need to Clean Was a Childhood Coping Skill

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“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” ~E.E. Cummings

When I was a little girl, I had the smallest bedroom in the house.

It was tiny. Honestly, probably the size of a small walk-in closet. But it was mine. And for the first time, I got to choose what it looked like.

I remember picking out baby blue wallpaper with little pink flowers on it. My mom put it halfway up the wall with a wood border, and the top half stayed white. I chose a soft blue carpet to match. I had a twin …

What Happened When I Stopped Managing Every Reaction

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“Peace is not the absence of resistance. It is learning to stop judging yourself for being human.” ~Unknown

At the time of writing this, I am on vacation.

My wife and I are parked beside a quiet lake in our RV, our small moving version of home. We’ve always loved that part of it: bringing our little piece of the world wherever we go. Our coffee mugs. Our blankets. Our favorite foods. Our routines. The small familiar things that make an unfamiliar place feel like ours.

This morning, the lake looked perfectly still.

Rain tapped softly against the windows. The …

The Wonder and Heartbreak of Life Under Our Sky

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“The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.” ~J.R.R. Tolkien

It was my son’s fifteenth birthday. His basketball game got canceled, so my wife, my son, and I climbed back into the car a bit disappointed and started the drive home.

We were just heading back to the house as we always did after games. My wife was mid-sentence when something caught my eye before she could finish it. …

How to Suffer Less When You’re Waiting for Answers

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“Rule your mind or it will rule you.” ~Buddha

Some mornings I wake before dawn and lie still, listening for signs that the house is awake.

A cough down the hallway.

The sound of a drawer opening.

Water running softly in the kitchen sink.

My mother is ninety-seven years old now, and before my feet even touch the floor, part of me is already listening for proof that the world has not changed overnight.

When I hear movement, I exhale.

Only then do I reach for my phone.

I tell myself I’m just checking messages. But lately I’ve realized I …

What Was Really Behind My “Laziness” and What I Know Now

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“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” ~Carl Rogers

I remember sitting on the living room floor one evening while my boys were playing nearby. One of them was trying to build something out of Legos and getting more and more frustrated every time it collapsed. I don’t even remember exactly what he said now, only the feeling I got watching him.

Because I suddenly recognized that frustration in myself.

Not just in that moment, but from most of my life.

That feeling of wanting to do something, sometimes

…

How I Reframed Letting Go So I Could Move on from My Painful Past

By in Blog, change & challenges, letting go

We are truly free when we let go of the thought that the past could or should have been any different than it was. This is so hard.

The challenge is born from our desperate need to validate our feelings and experiences. It often feels like we are invalidating ourselves if we let go of the thought that the past should have been different. We have been through hell, experienced things most people don’t know about, and it initially feels so devastating to think of just letting it go like it never happened. Where is the justice in that?

I …

Why Being Ignored Causes Such Deep Pain and Damage

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“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” ~Laurell K. Hamilton

My older sister had four years over me. As a kid, I worshipped the ground she walked on. She was so smart, so pretty, so cool. I wanted to be wherever she was, doing whatever she was doing.

I was desperate for any crumb of attention she might throw my way. I even let her loosen my baby teeth so she could pull them out one by one. In those moments she was lavishing me with attention.

Other …

How to Be More Present Through Sound, Silence, and Stillness

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“Music gives color to the air of the moment.” ~Karl Lagerfeld

I used to think I was a good listener. I could hold eye contact, nod at the right moments, ask thoughtful follow-up questions. But one afternoon, sitting cross-legged on a yoga mat in a small studio in Rishikesh, I realized I had never truly listened to anything, not even myself.

The teacher asked us to close our eyes and simply notice the sounds around us. A ceiling fan turning slowly overhead. A dog barking somewhere down the street. My own breath, uneven and shallow. And then, beneath all of …

The Hidden Survival Patterns I Mistook for Brokenness

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“The wound is the place where the light enters you.” ~Rumi

I grew up in a council house in the 1970s, in a world where children were seen and not heard.

We were kicked out in the morning and told to come back when the streetlights came on. On the surface, it looked normal. But what was happening behind closed doors didn’t feel normal at all.

I didn’t have the words for it then, but I always felt different.

People thought I was shy. And I was. But it was more than that. Being around people felt overwhelming, like I …

How Cheating Death Changed My Perspective on Life

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“Only when we realize that our time is limited do we begin to appreciate the value of every single day.” ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

I didn’t expect the trip to begin the way it did.

In December 2003, I decided to take a holiday over Christmas. I booked an eco-tour of Sri Lanka, traveling around the country and staying in different locations. It was something I had been looking forward to for a long time.

But during the flight on Christmas Eve, I started to feel unwell. At first, I thought it was just a stomach issue. Nothing unusual when traveling. …

How I Stopped Being the Victim of My Own Story

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“The most common form of despair is not being who you are.” ~Søren Kierkegaard

A few years ago, I was catching up over coffee with an old friend I’ll call Ray, a trusted mentor. He’s a few years older than me, silver-haired and down to earth, the kind of man who listens with his whole heart.

We were at a small coffee shop near my house. I told him about my first year as a director, how I’d gone from being a counselor whose identity was built around listening and connecting to suddenly managing budgets, writing evaluations, and holding people …

I Don’t Miss My Ex—I Miss Who I Was with Her

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“Nostalgia is a file that removes the rough edges from the good old days.” ~Doug Larson

I don’t miss Zinia.

I miss the Zinia I made up.

The real Zinia—the one who fought with me for hours over things that became bigger than they should have, who said things I told myself I’d never forgive, who was wrong for me in ways I kept pretending weren’t there—I got rid of all of that somewhere along the way.

I kept the laugh. The chemistry. The way she got my humor without me having to explain it. The conversations that ran till …

The Truth About Time That Most of Us Avoid Facing

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“The biggest adventure you can take is to live the life of your dreams.” ~Oprah Winfrey

My father died at forty-nine.

I was young when it happened, still soft in the way grief makes you when you are not yet equipped to hold it. I was so consumed by the loss itself that I never stopped to do the mathematics of it. Forty-nine years. That is all he got. Forty-nine years to do everything he wanted to do, to become everything he wanted to become, and to say every word he still had left inside him.

I did not let …

How Better Communication Changed My Relationships and My Life

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“When we avoid difficult conversations, we trade short-term discomfort for long-term dysfunction.” ~Peter Bromberg

Have you ever looked around at other people’s lives and wondered, “How do they do that?”

How do they seem so steady, so connected, so… together?

From where I stood, there appeared to be a certain kind of person—someone confident, kind, thoughtful, and at ease in her relationships. And because she enjoyed her relationships, she seemed to enjoy her life.

I was not her.

For a long time, I thought I was the “nice” one in my relationships because I avoided confrontational conversations. But …

What Letting My Dad Go Taught Me About Love

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“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.” ~Hermann Hesse

My dad was intubated, so he couldn’t say the words back to me.

I told him I loved him anyway.

Instead, he slowly pointed to himself and then to me.

“You love me too?” I asked.

His eyes widened ever so slightly, and he nodded gently, giving me the biggest response his body could offer. I held onto that moment like it was something solid in a room where everything else was slipping away.

It was the last moment we had together before

…

What Helped Me When My Life Felt Uncertain and Unstable

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“Sticking with uncertainty is how we learn to relax in the midst of chaos, how we learn to be cool when the ground beneath us suddenly disappears.” ~Pema Chödrön

Evicted. The word stared up at me from the letter in my hands.

It was the summer of 2022, near the tail end of the Covid pandemic, when life was supposed to be settling back into normal—or so my husband and I had hoped.

I read the letter again. My chest tightened.

We’d always paid our rent on time. We’d never broken the terms of our lease.

Our landlord was selling …

Embracing Slow Growth: The Big Turning Point That Never Came

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“It gets easier. Every day it gets a little easier. But you gotta do it every day, that’s the hard part.” ~ BoJack Horseman

If you’d told eighteen-year-old me where she’d be at twenty-eight, she would have laughed nervously and changed the subject.

That was her move, by the way. Laugh it off. Deflect. Eat another biscuit.

She was the girl who cried in bathroom stalls and called it “being sensitive.” The one who said yes to everything because no felt too dangerous. The one who googled “how to be more confident” at midnight and then did absolutely nothing about …

The Simple “Analog Basket” That Helps Me Unplug

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“Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.” ~Anne Lamott

You know that familiar routine: an exhausting day at work, a long commute, children, errands, messages, dinner, and notifications.

And then—finally—rest at the end of it all.

A soft, welcoming couch that curves in all the right places. A new episode of a beloved series that whisks you away to a rugged farm in rural Montana. And some short videos that make you laugh: AI-animated cats reviewing street food, influencers in wigs enacting the bickering of a married couple.

The flickering screens distract …

From Blending in to Belonging: My Journey Out of Self-Consciousness

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“True belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world. Our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” ~Brené Brown

For years, I felt like I was always one step behind everyone else.

Not in a way I could prove. Not something visible or measurable. It was quieter than that—persistent, internal, and hard to name.

It felt like everyone else had been given something I missed. An unspoken understanding of how to move through life. How to talk without overthinking. How to walk into a room and feel like you belonged …