fbpx
Menu

Category “love & relationships”

Why People Ghost and Advice for Coping (or Stopping)

By

“Life is a balance of holding on and letting go.” ~Rumi

A few months ago, someone I had dated briefly seven years ago reached out to apologize for his past behavior.

Many of us know how being ghosted can evoke a mix of frustration, bursts of anger, and an underlying sense of utter powerlessness. Degrees of intensity can vary, of course, depending on the depth of the relationship and personal circumstances. This was not one of those heart-wrenching cases, and in a way, an apology seemed excessive. I had long forgiven and forgotten.

Nonetheless, I almost immediately realized I was …

4 Fears That Create People-Pleasers and How to Ease Them

By

“It feels good to be accepted, loved, and approved of by others, but often the membership fee to belong to that club is far too high of a price to pay.” ~Dennis Merritt Jones

Like a lot of people, I grew up putting others’ needs and wants first. I learned early that doing things for other people and accommodating their wishes gained me attention and approval. It was only in those moments that I felt good enough and deserving of love.

As a child, I liked nothing more than feeling indispensable and being told I was a good and …

What Unconditional Self-Love Looks Like

By

“Love is the great miracle cure. Loving ourselves works miracles in our lives.” ~Louise L. Hay

When I first began painting my art over twenty years ago, it was not my intention to paint about self-love. In fact, at that time, I had no idea what self-love was. I was just painting as a form of therapy.

A few years prior, I thought that I did know what self-love was, but then, when I lost my health to a chronic illness and could no longer do the things I once had been able to do, I lost my ability to …

It’s Time to Stop ‘Fixing’ (Because They Need the Struggle)

By

“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” ~Maya Angelou

I have always been a “fixer.”

I liked to fix people’s problems.

Someone feeling down and out? Let me fix it by trying to take away their pain.

Someone on the wrong life path? Let me fix it to get you back on track.

Someone I love making unhealthy life decisions? Let me fix it so they can be happier.

‘Fixing’ people made me feel good.

It made me feel needed and purposeful.

It made me …

How Highly Sensitive People Can Feel More Fulfilled in Their Relationships

By

“Truth can be stated in a thousand different ways, yet each one can be true.” ~Swami Vivekananda

Highly sensitive people naturally bring some really beautiful, love-promoting qualities to their romantic partnerships. But these same qualities can sometimes end up undermining the strength of their relationships. This was true for me in my first marriage and led, in part, to it ending in divorce.

We HSPs are known for our caring, conscientious, and considerate natures. It matters deeply to us that we do our best to be loyal and caring in our relationships.

And because we tend to have high …

How to Overcome Relationship Conflict with the Internalized Other Practice

By

“You can only understand people if you feel them in yourself.” ~John Steinbeck

In the early stages of my relationships, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what the other person was thinking. Hours of pondering whether they liked me, over-analyzing every text message, and worrying that every fight meant it was over.

Over time, in a good long-term relationship, these challenges settle down. While longevity is not the only marker of a successful relationship, feeling safe and comfortable with someone over a decent stretch of time is undoubtably lovely. All those fear-based worries and insecurities fade,

…

I Forgive Forcefully (An Act That Takes Great Strength)

By

“You don’t have to rebuild a relationship with everyone you have forgiven.” ~Unknown

“Forgive” and “forcefully” are not two words I have ever joined together before.

My idea of forgiveness involved kind and gentle meekness.

Goodness.

Altruism.

Compassion.

But never forcefulness.

Well, not until I waded through the choppy waters of forgiveness after I had the courage to leave my abusive marriage.

Forgive is a Verb

Forgiving isn’t an emotion. It’s an action. It’s a process that has no time limitation or expiration date.

It can’t be ordered, demanded, or rushed.

When I first discovered that my husband had been …

How I Overcame Self-Hatred and 6 Ways to Love Yourself

By

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Sharon Salzberg

When was the last time you looked at your reflection and extended love to yourself? Before I discovered the life-changing power of self-love, I had not extended love to myself for years. This is the story of how I transformed my self-hatred into self-love, how it changed my life, and several tips to practice in your life.

For a long time, I believed self-love was something to be avoided at all costs. Like many, I had become habituated to the “hustle and …

The Alchemy of a Broken Heart: How to Transform Your Pain into Purpose

By

“Life changes. You lose love. You lose friends. You lose pieces of yourself that you never imagined would be gone. And then, without you even realizing it, these pieces come back. New love enters. Better friends come along. And a stronger, wiser you is staring back in the mirror.” ~Preetham Mohanty

One year ago, I quit my high-stress job. Then my husband quit me.

There had been signs of our unhappiness in the six months prior, but I thought it was dissatisfaction with our work lives, not with our relationship. It was clear, though, that our dynamic had changed—we were …

A People-Pleaser’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Life: 6 Ways to Say No

By

“Self-love, self-respect, self-worth: There’s a reason they all start with ‘self.’ You can’t find them in anyone else.” ~Unknown

Have you ever found yourself stuck in the “yes” trap, even when your gut screamed “no”?

I have.

We people-pleasers struggle with boundary crushers, and there are a lot of them out there continuously knocking over the barriers we put up!

But here is a secret I have learned: I’m allowed to say “no” without drowning in guilt. In fact, it’s a vital part of my self-care journey to give myself permission to freely say “no.”

Empowerment of “NO”

Saying “no” …

How I Healed My Strained Relationship with My Addict Mother

By

“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” ~Sam Keen

Like so many of us, my relationship with my mother throughout my life is best described as complicated.

We’ve had our fair share of turbulent times in our journey, and her alcoholism and drug abuse while I was growing up fueled great dysfunction on every level: literal physical fighting when I was a teenager (yep, Jerry Springer-style), seemingly continual acts of rebellion, a total lack of understanding, deep mistrust, unwillingness (or likely even an inability at the time) to …

When It’s Time to Let People Go: How I’ve Lightened My Emotional Load

By

“Love yourself enough to let go of the people, thoughts, and habits that are weighing you down.” ~Karen Salmansohn

More than a year ago I started unpacking and cleaning out my ‘backpack’ of life in a different way.

I have always tried to remain friends with exes, and even though we didn’t necessarily socialize together, there was still the odd keeping in touch, helping them with a favor, or “Happy Birthday” text.

While most of them are generally nice people, the truth is that if I never dated them, I probably wouldn’t be friends with them now. We’re just on …

Why It’s Hard to Hold a Boundary and How to Make It Easier

By

“The only real conflict you will ever have in your life won’t be with others, but with yourself.”  ~Shannon Adler

I sat in my chemistry class during my junior year of high school staring at the periodic table and wondering if I was going to make it through. Bored and lost, I struggled to find value in the class or make sense of why I was there. It felt purposeless.

Until I met Kevin.

Kevin sat a few seats away from me and was a senior. I knew of him, but I had never really noticed or paid attention to …

How I’m Learning to Feel Confident Without Approval

By

“Children need to feel seen. Adults do, too.” ~Unknown

As a teenager, I played the flute for about nine years. I never practiced—apart from that guilt-ridden last half hour prior to my weekly lessons. It was important for my parents that their children learned a musical instrument, and so I was given the flute, while my brother played the clarinet (bizarrely, because our grandmother had wanted someone to play Mozart’s clarinet concerto at her funeral).

Truth be told, I think my brother would have much rather learned the guitar, while I was very envious of his clarinet (he got around …

Why I Give Without Expectations (and Don’t Think It’s a “Toxic Trait”)

By

“Some of the kindest souls I know have lived in a world that was not so kind to them. Some of the best human beings I know have been through so much at the hands of others, and they still love deeply, they still care. Sometimes, it’s the people who have been hurt the most who refuse to be hardened in this world, because they would never want to make another person feel the same way they have felt. If that isn’t something to be in awe of, I don’t know what is.” ~Bianca Sparacino  

I recently came across a …

A Little-Known Truth About People-Pleasing and How to Stop (for Good)

By

“Being a people-pleaser may be more than a personality trait; it could be a response to serious trauma.” ~Alex Bachert

Growing up in a home, school, and church that placed a lot of value on good behavior, self-discipline, and corporal punishment, I was a model child. There could have been an American Girl doll designed after me—the well-mannered church girl with a nineties hairbow edition.

I was quiet and pleasant and never got sent to the principal’s office. Complaining and “ugly” emotions were simply not allowed. Though I was very rambunctious and “rebellious” as a toddler, all of that was …

Dysfunctional Family Survivors: 7 Myths that Hold Your Healing Hostage

By

“I have never known a patient to portray their parents more negatively than they actually experienced them in childhood but always more positively–because idealization of their parents was essential for their survival.” Alice Miller, Thou Shalt Not Be Aware: Society’s Betrayal of the Child

If we’re born into dysfunctional families and, by some miracle, manage to recognize there’s something really wrong there, we can end up devoting a huge portion of our time on Earth (if not all of it) to piecemealing a life not defined by the despair and pain we felt as children.

…

The Friend I Couldn’t Fix: A Story of Love, Loss and Letting Go

By

TRIGGER WARNING: This post deals with an account of domestic violence and may be triggering to some.

“You can’t heal the people you love. You can’t make choices for them. You can’t rescue them.” ~Unknown

Every story starts at the beginning. But how far back should I go? Birth?

I was born at Our Lady of Lourdes Hospital in Camden, New Jersey, in May of 1972…just after three in the morning.

No, wait. That’s not morning. It’s still dark outside.

Forgive me. That’s an inside joke.

You see, just a few years ago a friend of thirty years came to …

Why I Didn’t Love Myself (and All the Suggestions That Didn’t Help)

By

“Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving yourself and see what happens.” ~Louise Hay

There is a lot of hype around self-love these days. The media and marketing world often bombard us with messages insinuating that the key to self-love lies in consumerism. For a long time, I bought into this idea.

I would see an advertisement urging me to treat myself to a high-end face cream for a dose of self-care. Or a promotional email landing in my inbox might suggest that a calming lavender bubble bath was just what I needed …

Navigating Social Anxiety: 10 Powerful NLP Tools for Personal Growth

By

“We need each other, deeper than anyone ever dares to admit even to themselves. I think it is a genetic imperative that we huddle together and hold on to each other.” ~Patch Adams

A few years ago, I was invited to a work event. When I received the invitation a few months before, the idea seemed fun—a friendly gathering with colleagues, filled with vibrant conversations and laughter, enabling me to create human connections in the workplace.

As the day approached, a familiar knot tightened in my stomach, I couldn’t breathe deeply, and an overwhelming sense of unease took hold. I …