Hi Peter

Thanks for sharing! That was beautiful and a lot of food for thought. 🩵

I had never really thought about it like that. I don’t really think about things that much. But I think I see where you’re coming from.

I think love is a journey that unfolds in time.

I guess this is where individuals decide their values.

I tend to be open minded and listen. For me, it helps me to learn. I try things out and try things out. Perhaps it might not work the first time. Maybe with repetition it will. I’ve found this approach helpful. Everyone has their own way though.

I guess, it depends how attached you become to the goal and the results. Holding it gently. Being curious, I don’t think is a bad thing. Persistence can be helpful, at the same time you need to know when to put something down.

In itself, judgement can be a good thing or a bad thing. Is it dangerous or not?

I guess that is the truth of conditional and unconditional love. One is seen as harmful. Only valuing a child that wins awards for example can cause pain. Loving a child whether they win awards or not. There are a million things that can cause harm.

Interestingly, moral dread, guilt and shame are viewed as positive qualities in Buddhism. Trying to do the right thing is important after all.

I think all we can really do is try our best. Nothing else. If we do that, the outcome is what it is. There is only so much we can do. We are not gods. Being gentle with ourselves is important.

Even this conversation is an elaborate way to define things. It is what the mind does. It brought a smile to my face and perhaps that is what counts. 😊

What if this is just what minds do?

Thinking of you Peter! How are you doing? 🩵

Hi Mark

I’m sorry to hear you’ve been experiencing anxiety and dealing with stress. Do you want to talk about it? 🩵

I don’t think there’s a quick fix. Most people have anxiety when things are stressful. That being said, there are things that you can do to make things easier.

Mindfulness, meditation, puzzles or something that engages the purely logical state of mind, calming music, socialise, talk to some you trust about your problems, weighted blankets, therapy, journalling, medication. I’m sure there are many more.

But yes, practicing the self-soothing muscle, focusing on being safe in the current moment. In time, that muscle gets stronger. Of course, what really matters is what you get on best with personally. What you have an interest in?

I’d love to hear your thoughts. 🩵

Hi Miss Duchess

How are you doing? Sorry I’ve been so busy lately. 🩵

I think social media makes things look better for people than they are. Everyone suffers in different ways.

Perhaps the painful questions you’re asking are why haven’t I got a boyfriend yet despite being a good person? And why do others who aren’t very nice have experiences you long for. 🩵

Birds of a feather flock together. Nasty people find nasty people.

Social anxiety has made your life hard. You will get there, you’ve proven that much to me with how hard you’ve worked on changing your life. 🩵

I know it’s painful waiting but I’m not afraid for you. I have faith that you’ll meet someone. You’re still young and have plenty of time. 🩵

Hi Tommy

Bless your soul! It’s nice to be missed. 🫂

Things have slowed down for me finally and gotten less stressful. It was wild for a bit there.

How are you and your family doing? 🩵

I understand what you mean with the forum. It is the nature of the website to push older items to the next page. I think in busier periods some messages have been missed because of that. 🩵

Hi Mimia

It sounds like you were in a very difficult position when you moved country, but you did the best you could to get out of that situation as fast as you could.

Sleeping with 6 people for money is not many. Ignoring stigma and other people’s judgments. How does it make you feel that you went through that?

Anyone with a good heart would give you grace.

It sounds like your boyfriend’s comment about not dating sex workers struck a bit of a nerve. But maybe he was thinking about someone who currently does that. Or someone who did it for much longer, more seriously. It sounds like it was a very temporary emergency situation for you.

I’m so glad to hear you’ve been going to therapy and you choose people who treat you well. You deserve it! Very well done on creating a wonderful life for yourself. 🩵

It’s up to you if you tell him. Do you worry that if you told him he wouldn’t accept you? 🩵

Please feel free to share your thoughts! 🙏

Hi Tee

Thanks! 😁 Always lovely to talk with you. 🙏

I’m sorry for the late reply. It has been so busy.

I think I will reply to a message you sent on one of my threads, if that’s ok? I was thinking about it for a while and I didn’t want to disturb you after because you said you were working on a project. I don’t want to disturb Serenewolf’s thread.

I’m sorry to hear your mum was like that. It’s not fair for kids to not be allowed to be kids. Everyone deserves to enjoy their childhood. 🩵

It’s okay, I understand what you mean. It’s a complicated topic. You’re right, kids do respond to how the people around them act. 🩵

I think socioeconomic status, gender, communication skills and emotional regulation skills are all factors too.

When I was in primary school all of the boys were fighting in poor areas. Some of them grew out of it by High school some took a bit longer. The girls definitely fought much less. It’s just not seen as socially acceptable for girls to act in these ways, whereas boys are expected to do these things with a boys will be boys attitude. Which causes really big problems if they continue behaviours into adulthood.

For younger kids who don’t have the level of language to support communication. Hitting, biting and such are still fairly common. But it’s only really the biting that hurts. A toddler doesn’t really hit with force. Of course, being tired, teething and hungry are all factors too.

For sure, I agree it’s important to handle these things with love. 😊

My son feels bad when he feels like he’s being told off for something and gets upset even when I’m reassuring him and giving him a hug. It is difficult with toddlers because they are always trying to get into mischief. Sometimes they just don’t want to be told no.

He saw a friend give a dog a light slap because she was sitting in her seat and went around hitting things for days.

Yes, definitely. I agree with you about signs of healthy or unhealthy behaviour. I like to people watch because I feel like if people behave a certain way to others they will behave that way with me. I’m not a fan of drama.

For sure, I think for a long time I’ve struggled with standing up for myself and tolerated things that I’m not comfortable with because they are common behaviours. But being a mum, it’s really important to stand up for your kid. Somehow it’s easier to do that than for myself.

Yes, that’s true. And the other pattern where people apologise and keep repeating the behaviour and never change it. It’s important that people actually try, instead of just talking about it.

Thanks for the enlightening conversation! 🩵

Dear Anita

Thank you for your kind wishes! 🤍

I’m glad to hear that you’ve been well, relaxing with Bogart.

Yes, I’m sorry it does take time. I just like to make sure I give serious topics the time and focus they deserve. It wouldn’t feel right to half-ass it because you matter and your feelings matter. 🤍

I think that you understand what it means to be terrorized by a monster. I felt it too. There is no other word to describe it because it goes well beyond fear, being scared or afraid, into terror. You have been through so much and experienced so much damage as a result. Does a cake fix it? What would have been much more valuable than a cake to you would have been having some freedom, or your mother developing a level of self-control. But for someone who doesn’t want to hold themselves accountable a cake is a way to dismiss the painful experience you endured at her hands and a way to make herself feel good and alleviate some guilt.

At the same time, these reward experiences can seem meaningful to children. I developed a deep attachment to these reward foods. Little crumbs of kindness can feel like a drink in the desert.

I’m curious, do the ticks ever get less the more relaxed you are? And worse with more stress? 🤍

It occurred to me that there were a lot of parallels for you between the challenges you experied growing up and the climate in the world right now. I remember you once spoke about going to shelters when you were younger. It must have been difficult growing up with a war on both fronts. A personal private war at home, and having to literally hide from missiles.

It is something that a lot of people who grew up in the west are privileged to not have experienced.

I think one thing the book made me realise. A feeling of safety is something I’ve never really had. And I heard that it helps with anxiety, so it is my new quest to create a feeling of safety. I wonder if it’s something that you have an interest in too? I’d love to hear your thoughts on developing feelings of safety. 🤍

Thinking of you and Bogart! 🤍

Hi SereneWolf and Tee!

Nice to see you both around again. 🩵

I just thought I’d give my two cents on unconditional love because it’s a fascinating topic. I hope that’s okay? 🩵

It’s interesting to learn that as a parent a ton of “bad behaviours” are developmentally appropriate up into your teens.

So they are not really to be viewed as bad behaviours, because developmentally executive function doesn’t develop fully until adulthood. I guess that is why it’s called that. 😅

So part of being a good parent is staying calm and trying to teach your child how to process and manage their emotions in a healthy way and set healthy boundaries.

I think I only really started properly understanding unconditional love as a parent. It’s a unique experience. It is doing something for someone else, including experiencing “bad behaviour” and expecting nothing back. You just appreciate the person for who they are and enjoy spending time with them. Have faith that they will figure out their difficulties in time and find their own way in the world.

I think for adults it probably looks like something different. It’s important to love ourselves unconditionally too. So it is a balance between loving ourselves and loving others. Obviously, “bad behaviours” are not developmentally appropriate as adults and there are a lot of expectations socially and in the workplace.

I think it comes down to personal choice. What are you willing to accept? How do you view others mistakes? In very stressful circumstances are mistakes forgivable? How severe are mistakes? How much do mistakes negatively impact you personally? Where exactly is the line that you set to protect yourself because you are also important? 🩵