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anitaParticipantDear Clara:
“It’s such a roller coaster ride to have fear, anger, sad, etc… the emotional ride is exhausting phew.“- I wonder if there are Emotion Regulation exercises that you are not currently practicing that can help regulate the ups and downs today and every day, particularly in the next few weeks.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Carol:
You are welcome! I can see how happy you were when your friend texted you this morning, and I understand that you appreciate the 2-3 times that she helped you with advice in the past year, once replying to you very quickly. (I am sorry to read that your sister was sexually assaulted).
I hope that your bus ride was smooth, and I am looking forward to your next post.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara:
Un-bubble the bubbles at night, and so will I. Thank you, you are welcome, and good to read from you again after all these years. Till next time we talk, good morning/ night.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara:
I believe it’s Thurs 10:48 am where you’re at, Wed 7:48 pm here. Have a good day, Clara and post again anytime. I’m here.
anita
anitaParticipantedit: rise above fear and suspicion, a weak state of mind, to => empathy and courage and trust (in you and in her), a strong state of mind.
anitaParticipantDear Clara:
This, right now, is an opportunity for you to rise above fear and suspicion, a weak state of mind, to => courage and trust (in you), a strong state of mind. Abandon the weakness, embrace Strength, strength now (not when/ if she’s back to you sometime in the future).
Now, as it is, as things are.
anita
anitaParticipantContinued:
I have been happy recently. I didn’t even know what happy means until most recently. I used to.. hate the word “happy”, and here I am, happy. I feel that I am over my Mother-Monster, like I finally- after a half a century- moved on from her, leaving her behind, in my mind.
I didn’t know what happy means until the last couple of days, I mean HAPPY within myself, being happily okay.. being ME. Being okay with being clumsy and weird perhaps, and not being afraid anymore of being negatively judged.
This is all not a rational- dry experience but an emotional experience. All of my life, I was not okay about being me.
Now, as imperfect and humbly humble as I am, I am perfectly okay being me.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara/ Chau:
“The issue is how to catch myself when I want to overreach and blame her“- since this has been my behavior (!) I came up with the NPARR strategy: when I Notice increased stress within me, I Pause (I don’t say or do anything), I Address the situation; is there a situational problem that needs to be solved, or is the problem bad programming on my part/ distorted thinking that needs to be corrected,; is there a different way to view the situation? then Respond-or-not: say, type, do, or not, and lastly: Redirect: redirect distorted thinking => correct, balanced thinking; judgment => empathy.
“I am also feeling insecure that she will only want to break up with me, which is entirely possible. Although we did say this is a ‘break’ hoping for a restart, not a ‘break up’“- you are suspicious of her, aren’t you (that’s why she had to tiptoe around you)? How about Redirecting your judgment of her (as a suspect) => empathy for her. Think of what she may be feeling right now, her hurt, her despair perhaps. Operate out of Empathy for her.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara:
You are very welcome!
“maybe overreact when she goes out… blaming her for not coming home early and reacting, or maybe overreacting sometime, stressed her our and wore out the relationship… she mentioned her not feeling much, and she had to be on tip toe all the time“-
-I wasn’t there to personally observe your home life with her, but seems to me that indeed, like you say, you overreacted (on a regular basis, or frequently, or repeatedly), and as a result she felt that she had to tiptoe around you, as in walking on eggshells, so to prevent the next overreaction on your part.
Walking on tip toe all the time, being so careful to prevent trouble does block carefree feelings such as love.
If you can change these two things: to no longer overreact, and to no longer blame her- once the break is over- the relationship and her feelings for you will resume- I hope.
anita
anitaParticipantOh, as far as the question in the title of your thread: “Is this a temporary ebb in friendship?“- I think that ebb is an understatement. I think that this loss of friendship is likely temporary if her relationship ends and therefore, her focus is no longer on him, on his friends, on his world.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Carol:
You are welcome, and thank you for being kind even though my answer was painful to read. I am afraid parts of this post too will be painful to read, I am sorry.
“Is there a specific part of my post that makes you think we are no longer friends but more acquaintances?“-
– yes, the following things which I boldfaced: “she takes a dozen of days, if not more, to reply to my texts… I haven’t met her partner… (she) does not ask me how everything is going for me, or if she does, it’s really rare…I am going through a decisive time in my career. She hasn’t contacted me to see how it’s going… in January, I was really down and I had let her know that I was struggling mentally… I received a text from her 6 weeks later, asking how I was“.
If her relationship was one month old, and she is a busy working woman, or a busy student, I’d understand if she was 3 days late texting you back, or a whole week if she was overwhelmed with work/ studies and a new romantic relationship, and I’d understand her not introducing her partner to you yet.
But she met her partner a whole year ago. Unless she and her partner are long-distance (and only meet once a month, let’s say), and/ or she lives very far from you, how can a best friend not meet the other best friend’s partner for a whole year?
That you told her that you were struggling mentally and she did not inquire about your mental health for 6 weeks demotes her (in my opinion) not only from the title best friend, but from the title friend.
Unless the word friend means not an enemy, or if it means acts friendly sometimes– in that case, I suppose she is a friend.
Like you, English is not my first language and sometimes I am not aware of the connotations of words, but from having looked up friend and acquaintance online just now, the difference between the two is that friends share an a bond of mutual affection, and acquaintances don’t necessarily.
Seems like her affection for and her attention to you as her friend has been redirected elsewhere, not only to her partner but to her partner’s friends (“she hangs out with his friends often“). You wrote that she’s obsessed with her relationship: maybe she hangs out with her partner’s friends so to solidify her relationship with him, to be more of a part of his world, as in, getting his friends to think well of her and encourage him to stay with her.
And since you, Carol, are not a part of her partner’s world and have no power to influence her partner on her behalf of her, you are of no use for her when it comes to her #1 priority by far (her partner). What do you think?
“Also, I don’t really know if I should talk to her about this or just let it go ? Sometimes, I think it’s a bad idea but other times, I feel like I would at least like to clear the air just in case there has been a misunderstanding? Maybe I could to share my feelings with her, in a non accusatory way, and to give her the benefit of the doubt and let her space to express hers?“– I wish you could let it go, but can you?
The reason I wish you could let it go instead of sharing how you feel with her, is that from what you wrote in your original post, she has not shown interest in how you feel for a long time, and because although she ” insists that she is still ‘there if I need anything‘, in practice, she has not been there for you: not when you had let her know that you were struggling mentally, and not during the decisive time you are going through career-wise.
In the message you think of sending her, you wrote: “I feel like things changed between us and I would like to talk about it because I value our friendship“- you mean that you used to value the friendship you had with her in the past, not that you value the friendship (or “friendship”) that you have with her now, correct?
anita
anitaParticipantI want to add, Carol, that you are welcome to share more about your thoughts, feelings, about this loss and hurt that you’ve been experiencing for some time now. I would like to read more from you and communicate with you, if you would like that.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Carol:
Reads to me like the friendship is gone and all that’s left is an acquaintance. I am sorry that you are hurting for having lost a person who was important in your life, having lost her as a friend.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Chau/ Clara:
I was wrong: we first communicated on May 31, 2016. Here is an amazing fact: you posted on June 26, 2016, exactly 8 years ago, and on June 26, 2017, exactly 7 years ago.
On June 26, 2016, you wrote (I am adding the boldface feature to quotes selectively): “what I am missing is someone who cares for me when I am distressed, and someone who shares my life when I want to share“- having read much of our past communication this morning, I boldfaced the part above because, seems to me, your pattern has been wanting a close relationship on one hand, and wanting to be alone, on the other hand. Anxious-Avoidant Attachment Style, or something of the sort: wanting closeness and being scared of it, moving toward a girlfriend and pushing her away.
You wrote early on about the first ex you shared about: “Occasionally, I treated her with tantrum… I did have quite intense temper tantrums, and we did take a few breaks“- could have been the scared, panicking part of you throwing tantrums, pushing her away.
“I am disappointed at the fact that I wasn’t able to treat her well when I was dating her, I had always been very reluctant to connect with her emotionally“- this is the Avoidant part of your attachment style.
You’ve done a lot of traveling alone, for long periods of time, like the time you backpacked through South America. I think that predominantly, you find comfort in being alone. When in a relationship, there is a conflict: needing closeness and being afraid of closeness. The solution of the scared-part of you is to push the girlfriend away (is what I am thinking this morning).
Exactly 7 years ago, June 26, 2017, you wrote: “Recently I have become quite close to someone… I have told her I developed my liking and attachment on her… but recently I feel the urge to cut the tie, primarily to cut off the attachment (to) her… I am afraid of losing it all, well, while I haven’t even got it“- I boldfaced the solution of the scared-part of you, and the nature of your fear: closeness. To the scared part of you, closeness means losing: losing relative safety.
I think that this conflict was born in your childhood which you shared about: you were very much a child alone and timid, afraid of people. People represented danger to you, back then, and relative safety was about Avoiding people.
On Oct 7, 2018, you shared (in regard to your current on-a-break-girlfriend): “I recently got quite close with a person, we have been talking mainly on texts for a few months… she had never disclosed that she had a girlfriend… when she met me she was on a break/broke up with her partner, and later on, her partner came back to her and they got together”.
Your last post before yesterday’s was on Oct 18, 2018: “I have decided to take a break from her… it’s been a few days since I stopped contacting her, its a bit uneasy at times. but I think this is the right move…”-
– that was 5 years, 8 months and 8 days ago. I suppose you and her started dating a couple of months after your last post.
June 25-26, 2024: “my 5.5 years partner is now taking a break (from) me, she can’t figure out whether she still loves me or are we just ‘good friends’ who live together…about a month or two ago, I raised the million dollar question ‘do you still like me’, to which she responded with silence… I proposed this (the break)… eventually we feel we had a bit too much negativity, and we decided to take a break”-
– did you propose breaks before? Has there been negativity between the two of you throughout the relationship, perhaps you repeatedly bringing up the fact that she didn’t tell you back in Sept/Oct 2018 (while you were texting, not yet dating) that she had an on-again off-again girlfriend?
anita
anitaParticipantThank you, Chau. No rush indeed. When I re-read tomorrow, I will keep in mind that 2016 was a long time ago (way before you met your now-on-a-break partner), and that you have grown since. I’ll be back to you!
anita
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