Dear Emily, Dear Hero, Dear Ms. Independent… Dear I am Building a Healthy Routine, Dear Jasmine, Dear Shandrea, Dear Joy:

I remember you, in all your screen names, and I miss you.

anita

Dear Klast:

It is amazing that you posted about your bran scan (revealing two black holes) only 10 hours before a doctor ordered a brain scan for me because I told her about my pulsative tinnitus in one ear. I hear it now, but when it started, or when I noticed it for the first time (weeks or months ago, I don’t remember) it was very, very loud, late at night. Seems like a blood vessel in my brain is either somewhat blocked or twisted, or.. I may have a tumor that’s pressing against blood vessels.. scary.

“We are those baby sea turtles that get injured on the way to the ocean. Once we get there we cant deep dive with the others very well. We mainly hang around just below the surface“- very well said. Increasingly in recent months I’ve been hanging around with others deep in the water, so to speak. It’s a very different emotional- social experience than being sad, scared, lonely and numb just below the surface.

“Don’t get me wrong, fate isn’t completely absolved. It still was the root cause of my seed trauma (prolonged febrile convulsion), and choosing neglectful/abusive parents for me. But realising this and understanding the overall effect on my life is a big relief“- who did the choosing of neglectful/ abusive parents for you? (I am not intending to argue with your belief in fate, which brings you a big relief, only to understand it better).

“Yes, I have read about how the US health system is run by the insurance companies. They aren’t keen on having new diagnoses added to the DSM“- there is a saying about understand how the modern world operates: follow the money.

“Where I live, the CPTSD label has no real effect on my life, unless I can convince a psychologist, to convince the government/insurance, that it has stopped/severely reduced my ability to do ‘my normal occupation’. How vague is that, especially when I have never had a ‘normal occupation’“- falling through the cracks..

“all through the first 30 years or so of my life, I never met someone with any sort of epilepsy. Let alone someone with an invisible disability like Arrested Psychological Development. I was constantly alone“- a human being is not meant to be alone.. or Arrested in any way.

“Now I am going to do some intense research on how to deal with APD in adults“- I just read this sentence for the first time, and again, I am amazed that only yesterday, I was ordered a brain scan in regard to my pulsative tinnitus. I also told the doctor about my Hissing/ white-noise type tinnitus, which she said is indicative of hearing loss..

anita

You are welcome then❤️& 😊!

anita

Dear Taylor:

“I guess that’s how anxiety works, you just want the answer. I get impatient to know if someone is going to work for me or not, but it’s obviously not that black and white“- the someone who is going to work for you is the kind of someone who is honest and straightforward, a black-and-white kind of man when it comes to certain things. Otherwise, you’d be confused and anxious.

“I do struggle with what the ‘appropriate’ response is as you say. I feel like I can’t trust myself to know what behaviors will lead me to a healthier place, or will be digestible by the person on the receiving end“- I think that you will struggle way less in regard to an appropriate response if you are interacting with an appropriate man for you: one who is honest and straightforward.

“It could be that you’re right in this case I should have just ignored him – problem was he was still contacting me, and I don’t feel comfortable ghosting people“- if you knew that he was contacting you for the purpose of using you selfishly/ taking advantage of you, you wouldn’t feel badly about ghosting him, would you?

It’s important to figure out the man’s motivation in contacting you. You can ask a man in a straightforward way: what is your motivation with me, what is it that you want? and listen to his answer (or lack of answer.. which would be answer enough).

“I guess this comes back to boundary-setting“- boundary setting with a motivationally compatible man would be very different from boundary setting with a motivationally incompatible man.

“– do you suggest just asking people to stop contacting you when you start seeing evidence that are ‘a little bit interested, but not that much’?“- if you are looking for a monogamous, committed relationship with a man, and he is looking for occasional sexting or hookups, then yes, tell him to stop contacting you due to.. a significant difference in motivational compatibility.

“This brings things back to the original title of my post which is how to know if it’s my own insecurity with normal fluctuations in interest, and it scares me that I’m pushing away good people who really are interested“- there are normal fluctuations in interest in men who are only interested in hookups and in men who are interested in monogamous, committed relationship. Everyone’s interest fluctuates in regard to any topic.

* from previously: “I told him that I get anxious when I feel like connection is inconsistent and that I need reassurance that he’s still interested… it’s been 2 days and he hasn’t responded“- you did not push away a good person in this case. You pushed away a man who does not care about how you feel and what you need (if he cared, he would have responded in the last few days).

Yesterday, I commented on the above quote: “you talked to him as if there’s been a long-term relationship with him going on, years-long. What you told him was probably too much/ too heavy for him”. I am editing and adding today: you talked to him as if he cared how you feel and what you need. Seems to me that this is a man who is interested in a very casual on-again, off-again relationship with you, so hearing about what you feel and need beyond the casual would be indeed too much/ too heavy for him.

But what is your loss in it being too much for him?

You lose a casual on-again, off-again thing, that’s all. Not a real loss, is it?

anita

Thinking about you, Lily-Mae.

anita

Dear Taylor: You are very welcome. I will reply further Thurs morning (it’s Wed evening here).

anita

Dear John:

“Every person has an inexhaustible creative and innovative energy. We can mobilize this energy in order to grow… Daoist saying: ‘When you are ‘sick’, do not seek a cure. Find your centre (Hara) and you will be healed.’…

“Practicing Hara breathing… With your mouth closed, breathe in, only using the muscles of your lower abdomen, gently pushing and breathing out. With each inhalation feel your abdomen filling and expanding – like a balloon…  Gradually slow down your breathing, allowing an ever-longer interval of time after each exhalation and before the next inhalation”.

(End of Quotes). The boldfaced above is very meaningful to me, and the Hara breathing- I will practice it. Thank you.

anita

Dear Taylor:

I read all the posts in your thread, and now, I will re-read from the beginning and add my thoughts.

1st post: “When dating… I tend to chase them and help them with their problems“- you chase them to help them. So, they are sort of.. running or drifting away from you, or you perceive that they are.

“In the latest case, I had been dating a guy for about 2 months. I remember exactly the moment when the energy between us changed“- changed into a running away/ chasing energy..?

“We had a great date where he cooked me dinner and afterwards told me how much he appreciates me and likes spending time with me… and then suddenly his communication became very flat and much more sparse… (he) continued to become more distant. I asked him about camping and he said he had forgotten about other plans, and couldn’t go“- it seems to me that you overestimated how close he felt to you when he cooked dinner for you and told you what he told you. Maybe in your mind, you rushed that extent of closeness and felt that it was much more than it was. And then, after the..  greater (in your mind) than great date, when his words and actions ceased to appear as great, it felt as if he was distant, while in reality, it may have been that he felt a bit close during dinner, then less close, as in normal fluctuations of closeness.

“We agreed to see each other that Thursday… and he bailed last minute citing work stress. I asked him if I could help“- chase him to help him.

“I started to feel very anxious, thinking I did something wrong to drive him away… instead of… continuing to wait it out at the increasing cost of my own mental health (what I normally do), I decided to go to the opposite direction. I asked him to call me when he was ready, and when we talked I told him that it makes me feel like he’s not interested when he bails on plans“- thing is, he really is not interested when he bails on plans, it’s not open to interpretation. Seems like you thought that maybe he was interested in you but failed to express it by committing to get-together plans.

“he was cold and shut down, and I told him that I would rather be friends“- chasing a cold-and-shut-down person for friendship? Seems like leaving him alone would be a more of an appropriate response.

“I didn’t really mean to end things in that conversation… he was understandably closed off at first since I had ended things“- it seems like the great things you imagined (the extent of closeness that wasn’t there) weren’t there to maintain or to end.

“However communication increased on both sides and we ended up talking on the phone for 2 hours and he then initiated sexting… then of course, the same pattern came again and he ended up never responding when I asked to hang out“- seems like his behavior fits the normal fluctuations of a man who is interested in a woman a bit, but not much.

“This time, I decided to try yet another way to break the pattern which was to be completely honest. I told him that I get anxious when I feel like connection is inconsistent and that I need reassurance that he’s still interested… I apologized and acknowledged that I was reactive… it’s been 2 days and he hasn’t responded“- you talked to him as if there’s been a long-term relationship with him going on, years-long. What you told him was probably too much/ too heavy for him.

“He was attentive and solid and responsive“- at one time he was, during that great date, maybe at other times, and in your mind, you rushed this and saw it to mean much more than it meant.

2nd post: “My mom is a very anxious person and I’d describe her as codependent (for lack of a better term, I don’t want to paint her in a negative way). She has described her relationship with my dad as him ‘saving’ her. She sought approval from her abusive father despite him rejecting her over and over, literally until the day he died“- she chased her father to save her, but he didn’t. Her husband “saved” her, but she needed more saving, and kept chasing her father to save her. Her little girl thinks something like (maybe): I will save you, Mom, I will! 

But mom doesn’t see her daughter as savior, even though daughter cares more than anyone. So, daughter chases mother: I will help you! I will save you! Please let me!

And every time daughter experiences some success, something she said or did made mom feel good, mom looks at daughter with loving, grateful eyes.. daughter imagines she has helped her mother a lot (much more than just a bit, temporarily).

Love-starved, closeness-starved daughter waited alone and lonely for so long, that a bit of closeness feels heavenly, and she thinks something like: from now on, everything will be wonderful!  But closeness evaporates sooner than later (because mother was not helped for long), and daughter is devastated. Again.

3rd post: “Only after I sensed him distancing did I start thinking about the relationship a lot and craving more closeness. This is consistent with my pattern“- a pattern of chasing mother for closeness.

4th post: “Yes I do think that accurately describes the pattern! I am always thinking about how I can make the men I date comfortable and happy enough to eventually support my needs. This is also I think why I used to stay in relationships too long, waiting“- Waiting.

“The one guy I felt this pattern with a few years ago, I ended things amicably after about 3 months and he is now one of my absolute dearest friends. Once the expectation of a romantic relationship is gone, I can appreciate people for the things they offer“- once the chasing and waiting are gone..

“when you recognized the source of your pattern, what work did you do to make peace with it?“- I will answer this in regard to parts of the patterns that I believe I shared with you: I was surprised to hear my therapist back in 2011 telling me something like: you are chasing your mother! I was surprised because I’ve been so angry at her for so long, that I don’t remember wanting closeness with her. All that I remembered was wanting to get away from her. I had no idea that I was Chasing and Waiting for her to.. finally reciprocate my love for her.

And I imagined that she loved me so much that she couldn’t live without me, that I was so important to her. I wasn’t able to see reality for the longest time. I wasn’t able to see that I was not important to her, not as a person. This is why she looked up to others for some kind of help, never to me. Others were important to her. Not me.

I have no contact with her since sometime in 2013 (last time I talked to her on the phone). It took me years after the no-contact to stop chasing and waiting for her. So deep is a girl’s love and need for her mother. It starts so early, when the brain is developing.. before we have words.. so early that we forget.

I finally stopped chasing and waiting for what was never there for me.  I don’t chase and wait for anyone- romantically or otherwise- to.. redo my mother, so to speak.

5th post: “I am in therapy and boundaries is an area I’m working on a ton. One of those boundaries is not participating in relationships that don’t serve me… in past relationships I have stuck around for many years feeling in limbo with inconsistent connection. Or perhaps.. it doesn’t really matter what I decide on any given relationship – if I can’t heal myself a relationship won’t feel good regardless“- regarding the inconsistent connections, like I suggested earlier, it may be that in your mind (because of chasing and waiting for too long), you exaggerate the closeness, and then the distancing (part of normal closeness- distancing fluctuations) feel too intensely, intolerable.

I would look in therapy into your past and current relationship with your mother, and the one with your father, if I was you. That’s were patterns are born.

anita