Forum Replies Created
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AuthorPosts
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anita
ParticipantDear Clara/ Chau:
“The issue is how to catch myself when I want to overreach and blame her“- since this has been my behavior (!) I came up with the NPARR strategy: when I Notice increased stress within me, I Pause (I don’t say or do anything), I Address the situation; is there a situational problem that needs to be solved, or is the problem bad programming on my part/ distorted thinking that needs to be corrected,; is there a different way to view the situation? then Respond-or-not: say, type, do, or not, and lastly: Redirect: redirect distorted thinking => correct, balanced thinking; judgment => empathy.
“I am also feeling insecure that she will only want to break up with me, which is entirely possible. Although we did say this is a ‘break’ hoping for a restart, not a ‘break up’“- you are suspicious of her, aren’t you (that’s why she had to tiptoe around you)? How about Redirecting your judgment of her (as a suspect) => empathy for her. Think of what she may be feeling right now, her hurt, her despair perhaps. Operate out of Empathy for her.
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Clara:
You are very welcome!
“maybe overreact when she goes out… blaming her for not coming home early and reacting, or maybe overreacting sometime, stressed her our and wore out the relationship… she mentioned her not feeling much, and she had to be on tip toe all the time“-
-I wasn’t there to personally observe your home life with her, but seems to me that indeed, like you say, you overreacted (on a regular basis, or frequently, or repeatedly), and as a result she felt that she had to tiptoe around you, as in walking on eggshells, so to prevent the next overreaction on your part.
Walking on tip toe all the time, being so careful to prevent trouble does block carefree feelings such as love.
If you can change these two things: to no longer overreact, and to no longer blame her- once the break is over- the relationship and her feelings for you will resume- I hope.
anita
anita
ParticipantOh, as far as the question in the title of your thread: “Is this a temporary ebb in friendship?“- I think that ebb is an understatement. I think that this loss of friendship is likely temporary if her relationship ends and therefore, her focus is no longer on him, on his friends, on his world.
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Carol:
You are welcome, and thank you for being kind even though my answer was painful to read. I am afraid parts of this post too will be painful to read, I am sorry.
“Is there a specific part of my post that makes you think we are no longer friends but more acquaintances?“-
– yes, the following things which I boldfaced: “she takes a dozen of days, if not more, to reply to my texts… I haven’t met her partner… (she) does not ask me how everything is going for me, or if she does, it’s really rare…I am going through a decisive time in my career. She hasn’t contacted me to see how it’s going… in January, I was really down and I had let her know that I was struggling mentally… I received a text from her 6 weeks later, asking how I was“.
If her relationship was one month old, and she is a busy working woman, or a busy student, I’d understand if she was 3 days late texting you back, or a whole week if she was overwhelmed with work/ studies and a new romantic relationship, and I’d understand her not introducing her partner to you yet.
But she met her partner a whole year ago. Unless she and her partner are long-distance (and only meet once a month, let’s say), and/ or she lives very far from you, how can a best friend not meet the other best friend’s partner for a whole year?
That you told her that you were struggling mentally and she did not inquire about your mental health for 6 weeks demotes her (in my opinion) not only from the title best friend, but from the title friend.
Unless the word friend means not an enemy, or if it means acts friendly sometimes– in that case, I suppose she is a friend.
Like you, English is not my first language and sometimes I am not aware of the connotations of words, but from having looked up friend and acquaintance online just now, the difference between the two is that friends share an a bond of mutual affection, and acquaintances don’t necessarily.
Seems like her affection for and her attention to you as her friend has been redirected elsewhere, not only to her partner but to her partner’s friends (“she hangs out with his friends often“). You wrote that she’s obsessed with her relationship: maybe she hangs out with her partner’s friends so to solidify her relationship with him, to be more of a part of his world, as in, getting his friends to think well of her and encourage him to stay with her.
And since you, Carol, are not a part of her partner’s world and have no power to influence her partner on her behalf of her, you are of no use for her when it comes to her #1 priority by far (her partner). What do you think?
“Also, I don’t really know if I should talk to her about this or just let it go ? Sometimes, I think it’s a bad idea but other times, I feel like I would at least like to clear the air just in case there has been a misunderstanding? Maybe I could to share my feelings with her, in a non accusatory way, and to give her the benefit of the doubt and let her space to express hers?“– I wish you could let it go, but can you?
The reason I wish you could let it go instead of sharing how you feel with her, is that from what you wrote in your original post, she has not shown interest in how you feel for a long time, and because although she ” insists that she is still ‘there if I need anything‘, in practice, she has not been there for you: not when you had let her know that you were struggling mentally, and not during the decisive time you are going through career-wise.
In the message you think of sending her, you wrote: “I feel like things changed between us and I would like to talk about it because I value our friendship“- you mean that you used to value the friendship you had with her in the past, not that you value the friendship (or “friendship”) that you have with her now, correct?
anita
anita
ParticipantI want to add, Carol, that you are welcome to share more about your thoughts, feelings, about this loss and hurt that you’ve been experiencing for some time now. I would like to read more from you and communicate with you, if you would like that.
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Carol:
Reads to me like the friendship is gone and all that’s left is an acquaintance. I am sorry that you are hurting for having lost a person who was important in your life, having lost her as a friend.
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Chau/ Clara:
I was wrong: we first communicated on May 31, 2016. Here is an amazing fact: you posted on June 26, 2016, exactly 8 years ago, and on June 26, 2017, exactly 7 years ago.
On June 26, 2016, you wrote (I am adding the boldface feature to quotes selectively): “what I am missing is someone who cares for me when I am distressed, and someone who shares my life when I want to share“- having read much of our past communication this morning, I boldfaced the part above because, seems to me, your pattern has been wanting a close relationship on one hand, and wanting to be alone, on the other hand. Anxious-Avoidant Attachment Style, or something of the sort: wanting closeness and being scared of it, moving toward a girlfriend and pushing her away.
You wrote early on about the first ex you shared about: “Occasionally, I treated her with tantrum… I did have quite intense temper tantrums, and we did take a few breaks“- could have been the scared, panicking part of you throwing tantrums, pushing her away.
“I am disappointed at the fact that I wasn’t able to treat her well when I was dating her, I had always been very reluctant to connect with her emotionally“- this is the Avoidant part of your attachment style.
You’ve done a lot of traveling alone, for long periods of time, like the time you backpacked through South America. I think that predominantly, you find comfort in being alone. When in a relationship, there is a conflict: needing closeness and being afraid of closeness. The solution of the scared-part of you is to push the girlfriend away (is what I am thinking this morning).
Exactly 7 years ago, June 26, 2017, you wrote: “Recently I have become quite close to someone… I have told her I developed my liking and attachment on her… but recently I feel the urge to cut the tie, primarily to cut off the attachment (to) her… I am afraid of losing it all, well, while I haven’t even got it“- I boldfaced the solution of the scared-part of you, and the nature of your fear: closeness. To the scared part of you, closeness means losing: losing relative safety.
I think that this conflict was born in your childhood which you shared about: you were very much a child alone and timid, afraid of people. People represented danger to you, back then, and relative safety was about Avoiding people.
On Oct 7, 2018, you shared (in regard to your current on-a-break-girlfriend): “I recently got quite close with a person, we have been talking mainly on texts for a few months… she had never disclosed that she had a girlfriend… when she met me she was on a break/broke up with her partner, and later on, her partner came back to her and they got together”.
Your last post before yesterday’s was on Oct 18, 2018: “I have decided to take a break from her… it’s been a few days since I stopped contacting her, its a bit uneasy at times. but I think this is the right move…”-
– that was 5 years, 8 months and 8 days ago. I suppose you and her started dating a couple of months after your last post.
June 25-26, 2024: “my 5.5 years partner is now taking a break (from) me, she can’t figure out whether she still loves me or are we just ‘good friends’ who live together…about a month or two ago, I raised the million dollar question ‘do you still like me’, to which she responded with silence… I proposed this (the break)… eventually we feel we had a bit too much negativity, and we decided to take a break”-
– did you propose breaks before? Has there been negativity between the two of you throughout the relationship, perhaps you repeatedly bringing up the fact that she didn’t tell you back in Sept/Oct 2018 (while you were texting, not yet dating) that she had an on-again off-again girlfriend?
anita
anita
ParticipantThank you, Chau. No rush indeed. When I re-read tomorrow, I will keep in mind that 2016 was a long time ago (way before you met your now-on-a-break partner), and that you have grown since. I’ll be back to you!
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Chau:
I just clicked on that link and could see that my first reply to you was on June 13, 2016, EIGHT years ago, 4 years longer than I thought it was. It’s Wed night here. I will be back to you Thurs morning. Try to find some peace in your mind and heart, while in this difficult situation. It’d be way less difficult once you accept what it is that you cannot change, and have the courage to change the little that’s in your power to change.
Be back to you in about 11-12 hours.
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Chau:
“thinking if you are the Anita whom I knew“- yes, that’s me (I deleted my account back in Feb 2023, I think it was, and returned to the forums Aug the same year, under a different account, but same screen name (anita).
“are you able to see any posts that I had before?”– no. I can look for your past thread if you tell me the month and year you last posted.
“All sorts of insecurity, sadness, a bit of anger, lost, helplessness… Doubting the intent of the break, she mentioned she needed time to clear her mind and ‘restart’, but sometime I also double if she just want to use this time to break up… she can’t tell everyone, she is not as openly gay as I am“- yes, I remember you shared about her not being openly gay. It must have been 4 years ago, or so.
“I am sensitive and sometime overthink, and I believe this may cause stress to my partner also. I am thinking to go therapy to clear my minds and see what insights I can get“-
– if quality psychotherapy is accessible to you, that would be the best. Emotion Regulation Skills are very helpful when it comes to anxiety-filled overthinking and emotional over-reaction. It’s about finding strength within you, strength you can count on, so that even if your partner breaks up with you, you will still be okay.
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Mr. A:
Excellent summary of suggestions. To be a good spouse is indeed to cultivate/ show/ express the following: genuine compassion, empathy, encouragement, self-control (to remain silent instead of complaining), patience, peace of mind, and focusing your time and energy on what is in you control (not on what is not in your control).
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Chau:
Welcome back! I remember that we communicated for a while, and it was indeed ages ago. You posted today under a different account, so I can’t see our previous communication when I click on your screen name. If you didn’t delete your previous thread and if you don’t mind me re-reading it, can you locate it for me?
“This is just day 3 and I find myself having all sort of thinking and feelings that may/ may not have basis at all“- would you like to elaborate on the thinking and feelings you are referring to here?
“we are a lesbian couple. So I guess there are some suppression here and there“- and would you loke to elaborate on the suppression you are referring to?
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Kshitij:
You are welcome. Good thing you saw your therapist again.
“Regarding the question I asked you, is there a medium (email or anything else) through which I share that thing with you“- do you feel comfortable to post an email address here for me, on this public forum?
Keep in my mind that sharing these thoughts with me does not mean that the thoughts will go away.
anita
anita
ParticipantHello again, Mr. A:
(I am adding the boldface feature selectively to the quotes) This is what you shared about your wife’s intelligence: “her intellect is something that cannot change fundamentally… I am sacrificing everything for her – intelligent conversations“. About your intellect: “(I) am in the top quartile of intelligent men“.
You shared that your wife is not smart, not confident, not fit, not energetic and not lively (“I have seen so many confident, fit and smart women… far more energetic, fit and lively… I understand comparison will only make me sad”).
The only positives you mentioned about her: “a good homemaker- cooks for us and takes care of the house. She also works and does it sincerely… her career“.
The only negative you mentioned about yourself: “My problems are I have limited friends and little social life“.
About your interaction with your wife: ” I have certain expectations of her which I had clearly communicated before marriage as well… I have been complaining about her to her and trying to improve her (which seems to work at a snails pace, but does work in a few areas). But her intellect is something that cannot change fundamentally.”
My thoughts this morning (evening in Mumbai): you think so very little of her, too little: that she is inferior to you and inferior to other women, a woman with an inferior intellect that you say cannot be changed. And yet, (1) having had conversations with her before marriage (having had adequate opportunities to learn about her intellect, with your stated superior intellect), you expressed to her your high expectations for a marriage with her, and proceeded to marry her., (2) you want to have a child with her, a child that may inherit her supposed inferior intellect..?
* I am surprised that given her supposed inferior intellect, she manages to have a career, which is more than a job?
I suppose that you have a high dry IQ but not a high emotional- social IQ, and perhaps a low self-esteem to go with it, and that’s why you married a woman you perceive to have an inferior IQ, and why you have limited friends and little social life?
You call her “my wife” but it sounds as if a more accurate term, given your perception of her, would be that inferior, unintelligent, obese woman who is an embarrassment to me.
If I was her, knowing how you thought about my intellect alone, I would want to get away from you as quickly as possible because it’s just too humiliating to be thought of this way, day after day, with no end in sight.
“I have been complaining about her to her, and trying to improve her (which seems to work at a her intellect is something that cannot change fundamentally“-
– I think my suggestion right here is just what you need: improve your emotional-social intelligence.
And set her free, help her get relocated elsewhere, so that she can live with dignity as a non-inferior person. It saddens me how so many people are treated as inferior to others, it creates such an intense emotional pain inside.
In my first reply to you, I mentioned empathy, so I will close this post with empathy: please set her free from the prison of your low opinion of her (this is my empathy for her), and please learn and improve your emotional and social intelligence: there are many books on this topic, as well as workbooks, YouTube videos, courses and such (this is my empathy for you).
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Teni:
I’d like to elaborate on my short reply of yesterday:
About your partner, you shared: “My partner is a person who deals with problems by getting mad… they get annoyed/ mad/ sad when I sleep earlier than them… if I oversleep or during sleep in like midnight… they have said this a lot, like ‘I think I would kill myself if you broke up with me“.
About yourself: “I don’t like getting mad at all… I am usually sensitive to anger, whether its light or heavy… I don’t feel comfortable sleeping earlier than them… I get anxious when I sleep… I get scared showing my feelings as I get anger back… I want to end but, but I am afraid they might hurt themselves“.
As I see it, within the relationship, your partner is often, or predominantly angry and you are predominantly anxious, and your partner’s anger fuels your anxiety (everyone is scared of being the target of someone’s anger)
About compatibility: “I am unsure if we probably are not compatible because of the differences in anger“- unfortunately, the combination of a predominantly angry person and a predominantly anxious person is a combination that is “compatible” in the context of abusive relationships: the Angry person being the Abuser, and the Anxious one- the Abused.
Most often, both parties are suffering, but one person’s (inadequate, distorted) solution to their pain is to Attack. The Attacking party gets to feel empowered by witnessing the Anxious party surrendering. For the otherwise powerless-feeling individual (the Attacker), the feeling of power over the other individual is pleasurable and addictive, so they want more and more of it.
Your partner asserts power-over you when threatening suicide. An abusive relationship is about power-over, not love, but with a twist: there are times when the abuser is authentically vulnerable, honest and lovable. But those are only moments within an abusive relationship, confusing moments. Confusing because unlike in cartoons and some fictional movies, where the bad-guy is always bad, in real-life, no one is always bad, and everyone has moments when the good, loving child-within expresses itself through the abuser.
And when it happens, the Abused may want to help the loving, lovable child within the Abuser, but alas, the adult abuser won’t let you because they are already helping themselves to you.
anita
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