Dear Clara:

You are very welcome!

“maybe overreact when she goes out… blaming her for not coming home early and reacting, or maybe overreacting sometime, stressed her our and wore out the relationship…  she mentioned her not feeling much, and she had to be on tip toe all the time“-

-I wasn’t there to personally observe your home life with her, but seems to me that indeed, like you say, you overreacted (on a regular basis, or frequently, or repeatedly), and as a result she felt that she had to tiptoe around you, as in walking on eggshells, so to prevent the next overreaction on your part.

Walking on tip toe all the time, being so careful to prevent trouble does block carefree feelings such as love.

If you can change these two things: to no longer overreact, and to no longer blame her- once the break is over- the relationship and her feelings for you will resume- I hope.

anita

Dear Carol:

You are welcome, and thank you for being kind even though my answer was painful to read. I am afraid parts of this post too will be painful to read, I am sorry.

“Is there a specific part of my post that makes you think we are no longer friends but more acquaintances?“-

– yes, the following things which I boldfaced: “she takes a dozen of days, if not more, to reply to my texts… I haven’t met her partner… (she) does not ask me how everything is going for me, or if she does, it’s really rare…I am going through a decisive time in my career. She hasn’t contacted me to see how it’s going… in January, I was really down and I had let her know that I was struggling mentally… I received a text from her 6 weeks later, asking how I was“.

If her relationship was one month old, and she is a busy working woman, or a busy student, I’d understand if she was 3 days late texting you back, or a whole week if she was overwhelmed with work/ studies and a new romantic relationship, and I’d understand her not introducing her partner to you yet.

But she met her partner a whole year ago. Unless she and her partner are long-distance (and only meet once a month, let’s say), and/ or she lives very far from you, how can a best friend not meet the other best friend’s partner for a whole year?

That you told her that you were struggling mentally and she did not inquire about your mental health for 6 weeks demotes her (in my opinion) not only from the title best friend, but from the title friend.

Unless the word friend means not an enemy, or if it means acts friendly sometimes– in that case, I suppose she is a friend.

Like you, English is not my first language and sometimes I am not aware of the connotations of words, but from having looked up friend and acquaintance online just now, the difference between the two is that friends share an a bond of mutual affection, and acquaintances don’t necessarily.

Seems like her affection for and her attention to you as her friend has been redirected elsewhere, not only to her partner but to her partner’s friends (“she hangs out with his friends often“). You wrote that she’s obsessed with her relationship: maybe she hangs out with her partner’s friends so to solidify her relationship with him, to be more of a part of his world, as in, getting his friends to think well of her and encourage him to stay with her.

And since you, Carol, are not a part of her partner’s world and have no power to influence her partner on her behalf of her, you are of no use for her when  it comes to her #1 priority by far (her partner). What do you think?

“Also, I don’t really know if I should talk to her about this or just let it go ? Sometimes, I think it’s a bad idea but other times, I feel like I would at least like to clear the air just in case there has been a misunderstanding? Maybe I could to share my feelings with her, in a non accusatory way, and to give her the benefit of the doubt and let her space to express hers?“– I wish you could let it go, but can you?

The reason I wish you could let it go instead of sharing how you feel with her, is that from what you wrote in your original post, she has not shown interest in how you feel for a long time, and because although she ” insists that she is still ‘there if I need anything‘, in practice, she has not been there for you: not when you had let her know that you were struggling mentally, and not during the decisive time you are going through career-wise.

In the message you think of sending her, you wrote: “I feel like things changed between us and I would like to talk about it because I value our friendship“- you mean that you used to value the friendship you had with her in the past, not  that you value the friendship (or “friendship”) that you have with her now, correct?

anita

Dear Carol:

Reads to me like the friendship is gone and all that’s left is an acquaintance. I am sorry that you are hurting for having lost a person who was important in your life, having lost her as a friend.

anita

Thank you, Chau. No rush indeed. When I re-read tomorrow, I will keep in mind that 2016 was a long time ago (way before you met your now-on-a-break partner), and that you have grown since. I’ll be back to you!

anita

Dear Chau:

“thinking if you are the Anita whom I knew“- yes, that’s me (I deleted my account back in Feb 2023, I think it was, and returned to the forums Aug the same year, under a different account, but same screen name (anita).

“are you able to see any posts that I had before?”– no. I can look for your past thread if you tell me the month and year you last posted.

“All sorts of insecurity, sadness, a bit  of anger, lost, helplessness…  Doubting the intent of the break, she mentioned she needed time to clear her mind and ‘restart’, but  sometime I also double if she just want to use this time to break up… she can’t tell everyone, she is not as openly gay as I am“- yes, I remember you shared about her not being openly gay. It must have been 4 years ago, or so.

“I am sensitive and sometime overthink, and I believe this may cause stress to my partner also. I am thinking to go therapy to clear my minds and see what insights I can get“-

– if quality psychotherapy is accessible to you, that would be the best. Emotion Regulation Skills are very helpful when it comes to anxiety-filled overthinking and emotional over-reaction. It’s about finding strength within you, strength you can count on, so that even if your partner breaks up with you, you will still be okay.

anita

Dear Chau:

Welcome back! I remember that we communicated for a while, and it was indeed ages ago. You posted today under a different account, so I can’t see our previous communication when I click on your screen name. If you didn’t delete your previous thread and if you don’t mind me re-reading it, can you locate it for me?

“This is just day 3 and I find myself having all sort of thinking and feelings that may/ may not have basis at all“- would you like to elaborate on the thinking and feelings you are referring to here?

“we are a lesbian couple. So I guess there are some suppression here and there“- and would you loke to elaborate on the suppression you are referring to?

anita

Hello again, Mr. A:

(I am adding the boldface feature selectively to the quotes) This is what you shared about your wife’s intelligence: “her intellect is something that cannot change fundamentally… I am sacrificing everything for her – intelligent conversations“. About your intellect: “(I) am in the top quartile of intelligent men“.

You shared that your wife is not smart, not confident, not fit, not energetic and not lively (“I have seen so many confident, fit and smart women…  far more energetic, fit and lively… I understand comparison will only make me sad”).

The only positives you mentioned about her: “a good homemaker- cooks for us and takes care of the house. She also works and does it sincerely… her career“.

The only negative you mentioned about yourself: “My problems are I have limited friends and little social life“.

About your interaction with your wife: ” I have certain expectations of her which I had clearly communicated before marriage as well… I have been complaining about her to her and trying to improve her (which seems to work at a snails pace, but does work in a few areas). But her intellect is something that cannot change fundamentally.”

My thoughts this morning (evening in Mumbai): you think so very little of her, too little: that she is inferior to you and inferior to other women, a woman with an inferior intellect that you say cannot be changed. And yet, (1) having had conversations with her before marriage (having had adequate opportunities to learn about her intellect, with your stated superior intellect), you expressed to her your high expectations for a marriage with her, and proceeded to marry her., (2) you want to have a child with her, a child that may inherit her supposed inferior intellect..?

* I am surprised that given her supposed inferior intellect, she manages to have a career, which is more than a job?

I suppose that you have a high dry IQ but not a high emotional- social IQ, and perhaps a low self-esteem to go with it, and that’s why you married a woman you perceive to have an inferior IQ, and why you have limited friends and little social life?

You call her “my wife” but it sounds as if a more accurate term, given your perception of her, would be that inferior, unintelligent, obese woman who is an embarrassment to me.

If I was her, knowing how you thought about my intellect alone, I would want to get away from you as quickly as possible because it’s just too humiliating to be thought of this way, day after day, with no end in sight.

“I have been complaining about her to her, and trying to improve her (which seems to work at a  her intellect is something that cannot change fundamentally“-

– I think my suggestion right here is just what you need: improve your emotional-social intelligence.

And set her free, help her get relocated elsewhere, so that she can live with dignity as a non-inferior person. It saddens me how so many people are treated as inferior to others, it creates such an intense emotional pain inside.

In my first reply to you, I mentioned empathy, so I will close this post with empathy: please set her free from the prison of your low opinion of her (this is my empathy for her), and please learn and improve your emotional and social intelligence: there are many books on this topic, as well as workbooks, YouTube videos, courses and such (this is my empathy for you).

anita